I'M YOUR SON... BUT I WISH I KNEW YOU

Does it make you a bad person if you don’t feel anything when you find out your father has died? Am I inhuman? Does it make me callous that the person who helped give me life is dead and I feel nothing for him? Is there something missing inside of me that fuses compassion and memories into a single entity that I don’t share with the rest of mankind? My father, Carl D. White, Sr died yesterday, October 18^th , 2006 and when I heard the news my world did not change one bit. My father died, a pitcher for the New York Yankees died in a single engine plane crash, 9 more US soldiers were killed in Iraq and a family in Iowa was slain by the brother…All stories of death and dying, however, only one of these people called me son, called me CJ and I feel nothing…

Yes, we had our issues. Yes, I hadn’t had a proper conversation with the man in 13 years. Yes I had only seen him 3 times in the last 14 years. Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact he was my father. As much as I try to deny this fact, as hard as I try to distance myself from the truth, I am my father’s son. I have his jaw line, I bite my bottom lip the way he did, and when I get angry, I bite the inside of my cheeks, as he once did… He resides in me in every facet of my existence. Yet, my first thought was better him than my mother.

The pain he caused has faded and the wounds he opened have healed. I almost forget at times what it was like to be his son. Those stories aren’t worth mentioning now. Too many writers with more talent than I have can describe scenes of human suffering and agony at a higher degree than I who has spent years perfecting the art of suppressing emotions.

My father wasn’t the only father to die yesterday in the world, but he is the only father that I will ever have. When I think about it, that, and only that makes me sad. Because one is gone, I don’t receive a replacement with the hope it will be more loving and less volatile than the last. That’s it. I get one father, one dad, one daddy and the world moves on. What would it be like to have my father look me in the eyes and say he is proud of me? What would it feel like to have a father I could be proud of? What kind of man would I be today, if my father would have been that man yesterday? Well, I guess now I file those questions in the same cabinet with the, Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried and who really killed JFK questions that I’ll never find an answer.

One must always try to take the good with the bad in any situation. In some ways, I owe my father a lot. He taught me what it wasn’t to be a man. He constantly demonstrated what would happen if you let your insecurities and fears rule your life. How can I ever repay him for that priceless education? Yes, I am my father’s son, but I am not my father. Yes, we share the same name, but we do not share the same soul. Yes, we have the same face, but we do not have the same heart. My mother knows how much I love her, my brothers know how proud of them I am and my sister, if she doesn’t know, I will spend the rest of my life making sure she knows that she can always depend on me to be there for her. No, I’m not perfect, I have my flaws as does any other man, as did my father. Every day I try not to let those flaws hurt the people I love. That is what I would have liked to teach my father…That and, and that I had so much love I wanted to give him, if he would have only allowed me the chance. Just once chance is all I needed if he would have just opened up the tiniest bit…

I just hope that when my father passed, with none of his children at his bedside that he didn’t realize what he missed out on, that he wasn’t aware his family’s absence. What type of death would that be not to have such amazing people as my family around you in your final moments…to be a father and to die without your children’s’ love? I don’t wish that on any one, not my worse enemy, not anyone.

To Carl D. White, Sr. may you find the peace in the next lifetime that your family could not provide for you in this one… August 23^rd, 1950 – October 18, 2006

OBSERVATIONS OF WOMEN

I am infatuated with women. No, I don’t think you understand. I mean infatuated bordering on obsessed with women. I am not talking about something as childish as a collection of body parts like breast, legs or ass. I mean the essence of women, everything that goes into making you female I love it. That fresh natural way you smell after you’ve just stepped out of the shower, how a creature with so much strength exposes her soul if I touch the small of your back just so, how the secrets of life are exposed if I look into your eyes right at the moment of…. Well, a man can never consider himself truly blessed until he has the love of woman. Now that you know I adore women…I have observed some things about y’all heffas that I just don’t understand and makes absolutely no sense! Some clarification on why you do these things would be greatly appreciated!

1.) As a man, I have observed how women are constantly surprised at the resistance, fear and angst that many men have with settling down. I’m constantly being reminded how childish men are because we want to be players or bachelors for as long as we can in life. WRONG! Does that have something to do with some men’s reluctance to settle down? Of course! However, women, have you ever stopped to contemplate the rational behind that “fear”? I think you would be surprised…Why is it I have heard so many women saying that they prefer to have guy friends because we are less complicated?? We say what we mean and don’t expect you to read our minds, we are more accepting of new people into our groups and don’t feel threatened if someone more attractive attempts to join us and we don’t care what you are wearing when you are out with us. Seriously, think about it for a second. Most women don’t trust other women around their boyfriends or husbands cause you know how triflin’ bitches can be! Yet, when you are all out with your friends, you talk about how untrustworthy men have become. Hhmm…doesn’t make much sense to me. You think men SHOULDN’T have some reservations about marrying a woman and spending the rest of his life with the same people women say are too complicated and emotional to be friends with? Explain that one to me please! All the women with more male friends than female friends raise your hands please. Come on, don’t be shy, raise them up. Now look around…You see what I see? No one! Cause you are alone reading these observations, put your hand down before someone comes in the room and thinks your crazy! But I made my point though ;-)

2.) Ok, so men are dogs. Fine, I accept that statement. Although, if I accept that statement, then why can’t women accept the statement “If men are dogs, then women are cats and the only difference between the two is that cats cover their shit up.” Please stop puttin’ down men so much. Yes, a lack of good men exists in the world, I agree with you 100% women. To expand on that, I believe there is a lack of good PEOPLE in the world now. Women are cheating just as much as men now, being just as shallow, just as selfish and just as unrealistic. Just as many good men are being takin advantage of by women these days as women by men. AND, if you didn’t finish high school, have 5 kids from 4 different men, only read tabloid magazines and been going to nail school for 7 years and haven’t graduated you are not allowed to talk about the “lack of good men.” No, no, no not allowed! Also, can some woman define the term “real” man for me please? I have been hearing that a lot as well. Cause real means honest yes? Not fake maybe? Not hiding anything?? Riiiiiiight?? You wear heels yes? So that means you REALly ain’t that tall huh? You wearing makeup so your skin isn’t REALly that smooth. Oh, oh and I’m thinking your breasts REALly aren’t that big cause you have a wonder bra on. Real is a relative term, EVERYONE needs to be aware of that these days, not only men, but EVERYONE.

3.) Women are always talking about wanting a nice, stable, secure man who is generous and funny and appreciates you. Yeah right! I mean, women do want that, I know you do; it’s just how you go about saying it sometimes. You see, I am a firm believer that women are more evolved, more intelligent than men are. You are on this higher plain of existence that men need another 10,000 years to reach. Therefore, if that statement holds true, women you need to go about dealing with men with that principle firmly at the forefront of your interactions with men. Here is a theory I have. Please women comment and tell me if I am full of shit or not. Little Susie, Tameka, Sung Ye or whatever her name is, is being told by her grandmother from the time she can crawl that she needs to find a nice little boy to settle down with, marry and start a family. Little Brian, Jamal and Phu Tron are hearing the same things as well. Women reach puberty faster than boys, so when girls are 12 and 13 they don’t want to date boys their own age, they want someone older who is on their level maturity wise. Are they pining over the boy who is President of the Chess Club? Are they getting breathless when they see the Captain of the Debate Team?? Hell Muthafuggin’ no!!! It’s the boy who is absent half the days of the school year, smoking behind the gym and been arrested 3 or 4 times before he even turns 16. Ladies, the 13 year old boys HEAR you speaking about finding nice guys, but they SEE the bad boys getting ALL the play. It only takes seeing the bad ass make out with so many fine females before boys get the point, girls are saying one thing…but if you want any coochie you have to be a dick! So for the next ten years boys act like jerks…and get laid!! Often!!! When a woman finally decides she is serious about settling down and getting married, what do you say?? “I want a nice, stable, secure man who is generous and funny and who will appreciate me.” You know what men think? “Yeah right! She said that about 15 years ago and then had sex with the guy who kept calling her fat and cheated on her with her cousin. I’m not buying this, it’s just more of what she said before.” Again, if men are like dogs as women keep saying, then you have to realize a dog only needs to get hit so many times by a stick before he learns the lesson. Men have been conditioned to think you are all full of shyte when you truly do want a nice guy to settle down with. Does it excuse a man’s behaviour who lies, cheats and is disrespectful? No. Just think about that though next time you go home with that guy from the club who is driving his baby mama’s car, won’t tell you what he does for a living but always has money and won’t answer his cell phone with you around.

4.) I have observed that men can be INCREDIBLY shallow. I love how a woman will meet a man and even there isn’t a strong physical attraction at first, give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to try and impress her with his charm, intelligence and sense of humor. Men don’t do that and I truly appreciate that about women. However, I have observed that women are shallow in your own way… For example, a man walks into Burger King and sees a beautiful woman making French fries behind the counter; he’s ordering 8 Super Size French fries just to see her how her booty shakes as she puts salt on the fries. Then after, he’s trying to ask for her number to take her out tomorrow to McDonalds. Men don’t care really. We see an attractive woman and we are going for it. Now take the SAME Burger King, group of women walk in and the man making the milk shakes is handsome. No scratch that, I’m saying he is GORGEOUS, like David Beckham and Tyson Beckford rolled into one gorgeous. You all will smile at him, may even flirt with him, but I don’t see too many of you asking for his number. “Girl he was FWINE! Oh my God he was too sexy! But his ass workin at Burger King!! I can’t get down with that.” You know I’m right ladies. How many times have you written a man off cause you saw him working at a job you thought was beneath you? I kinda understand what you mean. If you own your own clothing line, you need someone more on your level than the guy selling oranges on the corner. But, find out about the man first though! Maybe he’s working at the gas station because he’s only in town for a few weeks visiting family and got bored sitting at his momma’s house all day watching T.V. He could be a world traveler on his way to Venice, Italy to be a coordinator for an English Program and his company gave him an extra ticket. I’m just saying, you don’t know what you might be missing!