It’s been a long time, since left you, without some funny observations to laugh to.. Things have been hectic here for a HOT minute here for me. It’s an observation all on it’s own of all the B.S. I’ve gone through. Two tears in a bucket, fuck it. So, here are some new observations.
Since September, I have lived here in the great city of Berlin. I’m not kidding either, Berlin really is a great city. Cost of living is extremely low, interesting city that is constantly changing with a vibrant cultural scene. I really made the right decision moving here. Of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t put a few things down that I have noticed from living here.
1.) I know most people, never having visited Germany, would probably if asked; state one generalization of Germans is that they follow the rules. You know what? They do!! Lord have mercy do they follow the rules! The pedestrian crossing lights are taken seriously here in Berlin. It can be 3am in the morning, no cars in sight and freezing cold. No one will move an INCH towards the opposite side of the street until that damn little light turns green. I can be crazy, but I’m not Jackass crazy. Being hit by a car isn’t my idea of fun. I look both ways, I judge the distance of the oncoming cars. When I cross the street with the crossing light red I have weighed a number of factors before taking that first step. Berliners act as if I walked into a televised governmental congress session, pulled down my pants and started taking a crap on stage or something. It’s only walking across the damn street people! As my sister says, “Focus!” Oh, and do you know you don’t have to pay to ride the subway in Berlin? Ok, ok, in theory you do. But there entire system is based on the honor system. No turnstiles, no barriers or even ticket takers keep you honest. They just have these machines that you SHOULD use to buy your tickets. Know what? Berliners for the most part pay! No way would this system work anywhere there were, oh I don’t know, black people?!?! Hell muthafreakin’ no would it work. But, people here generally follow the rules. To take it to an entirely different level. If in your culture, people generally follow the set status quo rules with out questioning the motives or ethics behind the rules then it really doesn’t seem like a stretch to see how the holocaust came about. Hear me out for a second.. A group comes into power and says these are the rules and the rules are to turn in everyone of this ethnicity, class, etc, etc. If your entire country is based on following rules and doing as your are told, it does explain why so few people stood up to the negative changes going on in Germany at the time. Now, people did stand up and say this isn’t right! Just not as many as one would expect. Don’t want any German people getting angry at me. This is just a hhhmm…. I wonder moment. Now if they had some Puerto Ricans in Germany doing that time?? Plu-eaze! All the Jewish people would have been saved because everybody knows Puerto Ricans NEVER follow the rules. In fact, I think they find out the rules just to do the opposite! You know I love you Boriquas so I mean it with love!
2.) Ok, this next observation is just strange. I can’t figure it out, and when I bring it to the attention of other Berliners they think it’s strange as hell also, no shower curtains. I shit you not; most bathtubs and showers here in Berlin do not have shower curtains. Ain’t that some mess?? Can’t turn the water up full strength cause it bounces and splatters all over the damn floor of the bathroom. Having to remember to turn your body to rinse off and not switch hands if you are holding the shower nozzle because you’ll flood the bathroom. What is up with that? Hella Germans I know just keep a mop and bucket in the bathroom and mop up after they finish showering. Now, on one level it isn’t a bad idea cause your bathroom floor is always clean. But do you have any idea how many pairs of underwear I soaked before I got the hang of showering with no shower curtain?? Let me tell you putting on soggy underwear is not fun at all. No, no, no not fun at all. Forget about taking a shower with someone. Finish up and you’ll be stepping in 3 inches of water when you get out of the shower. And don’t forget to wear sandals or flip flops either at night. You will always forget to mop up that one small puddle of water, wake up in the middle of the night to use the toilet, be all bleary eyed and not paying attention. You will do the Fat Boy Slim dance at 3am. What is the Fat Boy Slim dance you ask? You remember that group right? Fat Boy Slim. They had that song Praise You where in the video they were dancing in front of this movie theatre. You remember how retarded that white boy looked with the glasses dancing? That’s who YOU will look like as well. Get a shower curtain people! Focus! (I like that word. Might have to “borrow” it more often from my sis)
3.) Where is the rest of it? That is what I thought the first time I saw a bed in Berlin. Germans are fairly tall on average, but their beds? I thought I was in Japan with how low they are. Looking at different apartments, I can’t tell you how many “beds” was just a mattress on the floor. That I don’t get at all. It’s strange for a host of reasons. One, if you are tall and your bed is so close to the ground, it makes it more difficult to get up from the bed. A second reason and in my opinion one of the most important reasons, is sex! If the bed is at ground level, it completely negates the position of the woman at the edge of the bed and the man standing tapping it from behind. You have just rendered undoable one of the greatest sexual positions known to humankind! The man can generate more power using his legs standing than he can with his hips kneeling. Basic body mechanics people!! Damn little beds messin’ up my game! Another reason is storage space. I can’t even slide a box of cereal underneath my bed now. All the crap I managed to throw under my bed at the last minute to make my room look halfway decent are sorely missed I tell you. Now I just hid it under the covers. Just kidding!
4.) Now, this next observation might be more appropriate for all of Germany as opposed to only Berlin. However, here in Berlin I get nickel and dimed to death! You get charged for anything and everything here in Berlin. In McDonalds and Burger King you have to pay .20 cents for EACH packet of ketchup you get. They give you ONE free. ONE packet of ketchup?? What in the hell can a person do with one packet of ketchup but get them frustrated? You can dip about 6 fries twice in one packet of ketchup. I know, cause I’ve done my own personal study to measure it out. Then, you have to pay to check your own voicemail on your cell phone! The thing is, it’s not a flat rate either. You pay per minute! I used to be on pre-pay here in Europe until I finally just broke down and signed a contract. Sometimes a brotha wouldn’t have much cash to spare so forgoing credit on my mobile was often. I preferred to eat. But the damn service provider would send me these text messages reminding me that I had 12 new messages in my mailbox. I know dammit! I would check them if you didn’t charge me to listen to them! If you really want to do me a favor, tell me what the hell is in the messages so I can decide if it’s worth spending .30 cents a minute to listen to them. I would get angry at people for no reason cause of the messages they left me on my phone. “Yeah Carl, this is Sebastian, we are going to the movies and wanted to know if you are interested in coming. Call me back later.” Damn you Sebastian! You just cost my ass 60 cents and it wasn’t important! Wait until I see your ass. Imma get my 60 cents worth. You know those 800 service numbers most products have that you can call if you need help with something or have a question? It’s not free in Germany! The price is comparable to calling a phone sex line. When my laptop first started acting up, went online to see about calling the Dell help line here in Germany, 29 euros for the call. Oh yes, 29 euros for the call no matter if it was a minute or 30 minutes. For 29 euros you bastards are not only going to help me fix me damn laptop, you are going to help me deal with some life issues, tell me my horoscope, give me the winning lottery numbers. I want some damn value for my muthafuggin’ money! If am paying you like you are a phone sex operator then dammit why don’t you sound like one on the phone. When I call to ask about a problem I’m having with YOUR product, answer all breathy with a seductive voice. Make all of these sexual innuendos and turn everything I say sexual. “Hello Mr. White. You say you can’t get your laptop UP and humming? Don’t worry, I’ll just tell you where I would place my hands if I was there to get your.. HARD drive functioning properly. Oh yes I think I’m going to have to take you through this orally.” You feel me on this right? Give me some bang for my buck. Make me feel like they earned all that money I’m spending on a call that should be free!!
5.) My last observation is kinda a blanket observation for all Germans. Not all mind you feel this way, but too many in my opinion. WWII ended in 1945. Now, for us Americans, WWII is something that is out of sight, out of mind. It happened, and we read about it in history books, but we aren’t faced with physical reminders every day of it. Entire sections of cities completely new because they were destroyed. Whole families lost to concentration camps and things like that ring hollow to Americans. However, here in Europe it’s a different story. I have observed that many Germans still carry a lot of shame over WWII. I’ve even heard young Germans under 30 say they aren’t proud to be German because of the history of their countrymen. To me, this is all fascinating for a number of reasons. It’s like, Europeans are so angry at Germans because they did what they did to other white people. If I’m not mistaken, the English did some horrific things in India, the Middle East and the other nations they “acquired” during their empire years. Hello France?? You weren’t given all those colonies in North and West Africa and Southeast Asia. I’m not EVEN going to go into America and it’s history of slavery. I’m just curious to know why the rest of Europe, especially Jewish people, continues to point a accusatory finger at Germans when Africans and Asians could be doing the same to the rest of you. That’s my two cents worth anyway.
