FAMILY HOLIDAY 2013/2014

At this moment I am sitting at a desk in an Italian villa that rests atop a hill. There is a window in the room that overlooks the Bay of Pozzuoli and I can see the lights of Naples, Italy spread out before me like a buffet for angels. It’s breathtaking. It is not a bad place to be for Christmas at all. The food I’ve eaten today is the stuff of legends; four different types of home-made pizza for lunch alone. When I say home-made I mean the woman woke up at 5am to make the dough from scratch! For dinner we had three different types of salad, two different types of fish and breaded vegetables and that was only the starter! The main course was a lobster pasta dish. LOBSTER PASTA! Who knew that even existed!? All topped off with desert, wine literally made by the hands of my girlfriend’s father and limoncello. Amazing! Throw in the sunshine and warm weather and one could hardly ask for more! I can’t complain.. I mean, I shouldn’t complain. It’s not really complaining at all. It’s just... I miss my family.

The last few years I’ve made it a point to go home for at least 3 weeks to the states around Christmas. It gives me the time to meet up with friends, soak up the sun and most importantly reconnect with my family. Even kinfolks require the opportunity to reinforce bonds and strengthen ties. I expected this year to be no different, me flying home around December 10^th lounging around catching up on YouTube videos that are blocked in Germany, sneaking around trying to eat more than my fair share of my mom’s famous sweet potato pies, riding a bike and trying to explain to people I’m not gay for being 38 and having no kids and am not serving time in prison for staying away so long from my family. But as we all know, life often has other plans for us.

Living in faraway lands for the past 10+ years is something I regularly express in gratitude to the travel gods. The number of fantastic memories I have created are uncountable. At the same time, I am painfully aware of the missed chances to make memories with my own family. It is a delicate balance us wandering spirits must constantly be aware of to keep the scales from toppling over. In all honestly, the scales I speak of would probably be more manageable if I were able to express myself a bit better face-to-face as I am in the confines of my journals. I often see those posts on Facebook that urge us to let those we love know how much we appreciate them being in our life, yet how many of us truly reach out to our loved ones and let them know how we feel? I do try, but we all have our scars that hinder movement and prevent us from reaching out as far as need be.

This blog entry is me trying to reach out as far as I can, as far as need be to reach out to my family to let them know why I make the effort to be around them every year, even if I don’t express it verbally enough.

To my mother.. at this point I should just take the sun, dip it in chocolate and then drizzle honey all over it and attach it to this post. There is no way to express in words how much I love my mother, but that image that may have flashed through your mind’s eye with that description you just read might give you an idea. The sun not only warms, but provides nourishment, it brings life, and it raises spirits. That is my mother. Then the chocolate cause I mean, who doesn’t love chocolate! And who doesn't love Ms. White!? For real though! Then honey because I believe we forget how great honey is at times. Honey is like nature’s super food. There are all these healthy benefits they contribute to honey and the public tends to forget that at times with all the commercials for supplement this or enhancement that. Honey is natural, wholesome, under-appreciated and if more people used it in its pure form we’d all be better off. Skype is fine with my mom, but I’d much rather have a real hug. Or just to lay my head in her lap for a few minutes... yeah, the sun dipped in chocolate then drizzled in honey.. that’s my mother and I love her immensely for that.

To my sister Niki, Nikki, Nicole or however the heck you spelling your name these days! I don’t think she realizes how much I love her. When I am home I am always reminded of how much she impresses me. I appreciate St. Petersburg more and more as I get older, but I don’t hide my... ambivalence for it at all. The city isn’t exactly a mecca for high fashion and creativity, nonetheless, my sister finds a way to be on point with anything she does. She walks around and I have to remind myself I am not in New York, London or Paris but South St. Pete with her fashion sense. She has taken a hobby and turned it into a profession. Even her peers recognize her vast talent and that’s saying a lot cause you know how brown people can be when it comes to acknowledging others! And her daughter, my niece... Talk about an amazing young lady. I joke that her Uncles have a huge influence on her awesomeness, but in truth, she is just emulating her fierce mother. Love you to death...

To my brother Corey who is the epitome of an Aries. I don’t always agree with my brother’s views on history, or politics or social commentary, but I can appreciate the fact that he isn’t accepting what the mainstream says and is rightfully questioning everything. It is much easier to accept the status quo than it is to seek the truth and find your own answers. His answers are not mine, but that’s probably because we are asking different questions. I respect him because he is asking questions. The day we stop questioning is the day we stop improving and the day we stop trying to improve is the day we begin to die. I embrace my brother’s will to keep living. That and he can keep his mouth shut. Oh the secrets Corey has about me and never shared, a very rare trait to have these days. That’s probably why I consider him to be one of my best friends. I love you.

To my brother Ryan who thanks to Facebook surprises me at least three times a week. He posts these random quotes and stream of thought updates that I have to catch myself from liking because more often than not I should be working and don’t want people to think I’m available. He has this way of cutting to the heart of the matter that I love. The other thing that impresses me is he’s fearless. He posts things that are windows into the very fabric of his thoughts and heart. At 24 there was no way I was capable of doing that. Hell, it wasn't until I was well into my 30’s before I could even begin to fathom that and he does it so effortlessly at such a young age. Damn that is extraordinary. Love you like a fat kid loves cake. And you know I love me some cake!

This blog entry is starting to get long, but it’s the holidays and everyone has a few days free so I have to also say:

To my brother Dana who somehow finds a way to constantly smile and be positive no matter the situation and being a good father in the absence of a positive father figure growing up. That is another entry all in itself but you show up every single day to put in that work. Utmost respect.

To my aunt Ms. Doris (Tiki) Who has shown me what “Ride or Die” truly means. This woman has taught me what sticking up for your family is meant to be about. I need somebody to have my back when we gonna be in the thick of it? I’m calling my Aunt Tiki. Bet.

To my cousins:

To Sir Brock who isn’t waiting for his dreams to become his reality, but turning his reality into his dreams.

To Nico who has raised the good husband and father bar to a whole nother other level!

To Yook I’m Him for keeping it real... since the womb. Real talk.

Every Christmas time my family gathers, we eat a lot of great food then we retire to the family room and play Taboo together as a family. All told it’s at least 15 people including wives and children. By far it is the highlight of my holiday. It’s that release of energy that is expressed through laughter and squeals of delight that manifests itself into the intangible bonds that bind us together as a family. Immersing myself into that is why I try to get home for Christmas every year. It is to be a part of that love and add my own to the pot. I don’t say it, but I love each and every one of them more than they will ever know. I am not with them this Christmas, but I do believe I love them a little bit more this year than I did last year. 

2012

At the start of 2012 there were three things I politely requested from the universe; move into my dream apartment, have someone I cared for deeply be more present in my life, and lastly was to get married. Ask and you shall receive because I was blessed with all three!! Sorta. Kinda. In a way... See, wha ha happened waz...

I did move into an enormous loft on Paul-Lincke-Ufer in Kreuzberg which is the equivalent of living on Flatbush Ave. in Park Slope (Brooklyn). At first glance the place was awe inspiring, exposed brick, open-plan kitchen, and three bathrooms which one of them had an actual Jacuzzi! I was living the high life! But, if you looked closer you noticed everything wasn’t as wonderful as advertised. The overall construction was shoddy, the plumbing was suspect, the floor wasn’t level and the noise from the surrounding renovations was literally deafening. And let’s not forget the owner, crazier than a sack of angry cats. He treated the place like it was his living room! He came and went as he pleased with his own set of keys (illegal in Germany). Even though my roommates and I paid a significant amount of rent he persisted in trying to make my roommates feel as if they were indebted to him for “allowing” them to live there. He was intimidated by me so never said anything directly to me, but eventually just had his Polish workers enter the loft unannounced and remove my things from my room. In the end, after a series of phone calls to the police and constantly calling my lawyer to make sure I was within my rights to whoop a MFs behind, my roommates and I all decided it was better to move out. In a single weekend there was a flurry of packing and rushed goodbyes and my dream loft was no more.

My marriage, now that was much nicer. I was married to a woman I’ve known for over 15 years and consider to be my best friend. That is an essential ingredient to a long happy union. Our union probably would’ve been long and happy if it wasn’t for the tiny fact she is already happily married with kids. She and I went to Istanbul together for vacation and her husband and father asked me to “wed” her to lessen any unwanted male attention. It worked. And at the end of the trip I was no longer a “husband”.

My final resolution; having someone I cared for deeply be more present in my life. That happened as well. We reconnected and would just hang out and chill. It was good and I enjoyed her company immensely. She even baked me a birthday cake for my 37th and offered me her sofa during my loft escape. But as you can guess from the other two resolutions, upon closer inspection there were cracks and it ended. The end was much sadder than leaving an apartment and way more final than being “unmarried”, heartbreakingly so.

With any setback or adverse situation the key is finding the lesson that’s always there to be found. What did I learn? Instead of beseeching the universe for an amazing apartment or a wife, I should be asking to provide a woman who has the possibility to be my best friend who will be someone I’d love to marry and together we will make a place a home. I need to be more present which in turn will show anyone how I expect them to be. Being present doesn’t mean just showing up and that being enough. Showing up entails active participation, expending energy to engage another person on a deep and meaningful level.

After a hellish period of living out of my suitcase and relying on the kindness of friends, I finally have my own space again. It’s very nice, but it’s not my home. What it is though is peaceful. After my last apartment I truly appreciate that fact. Being married to my best friend was like a preview I reckon. She dictated which sites and attractions we would visit, cancelled said plans when she passed a shop that contained anything that caught her eye... or backtracked to said shops no matter how far away it was with me in tow, scrutinizing what I ate and giving me the disapproving eye when she caught me looking back at an extremely attractive woman which I immediately exclaimed, “You knew how I was when you married me!” All jokes aside, it would be nice to have a wife who is also my best friend. Things would just be so... solid. And having a wife who is my best friend and not already married would be even better so we can actually consummate the marriage. Cause let me tell you that part of my marriage SUUUUCKED! You don’t sleep in a separate bed on the honeymoon!! Who does that?? Shouldn’t that be like after at least 15 years of marriage? Come on man...

As for the person I wanted to be a part of my life, I take responsibility for bringing about the end. Things were stagnant in my relationship with the person. We were in this no man’s land between the plains of friendship and the cliff of being more. It wasn’t doing either of us any good and movement was required. Didn’t matter if it was backwards or forwards, things needed to be put into motion. I forced both of us to emphatically state our place in each other’s lives and we mutually chose no place at all. In hindsight I’m convinced I did the right thing, but how I expressed why I was doing it... yeah ok. That was probably tangled up with some ego and insecurity. The universe made damn sure I understood yet again that when you write a script with your own expectations disappointment always awaits you at the end of the episode. In addition, people have their own director’s chair and will exercise their right to make alterations and yell ‘cut!’ anytime they damn well please. I can say this though, no matter what she thinks about me, I’m certain she knows how I feel about her. I was always honest, upfront and direct with her about my feelings knowing full well I would receive nothing in return. There is no question I never shied away from the truth in that regard, even if she wasn’t ready or didn’t know how to handle it. When I say it like that the ending doesn’t seem so melancholy, but still poignant.

Right, 2013 is about being extremely clear to the universe so there are no gray areas at all. With that:
Dear Ms. Universe, for 2013 I’ve decided these things are in store for me; a beautiful well-constructed apartment in Berlin, lots of space to entertain friends and start a family when ready. Normal open-minded neighbors who are friendly enough to say hi to me and invite me to their parties, but not so nosey they stick their head out every time they hear me coming and going. And if I rent, no Romanian landlord please!! Also, fruitful and rewarding business partnerships with people I would feel comfortable with calling friends. Oh, a wife who isn’t already married would be nice. Best friend material, aaaaand if she can cook well that’s a huge plus. Ok, ok, if she can cook AND got a nice booty I’d be hugely appreciative. So, best friend material, can cook well and a nice butt in addition to the standard, intelligent, intellectual, down-to-earth, etc etc. This list is of course amendable at any point during 2013, but you get the point. Thank you Ms. Universe for my forthcoming blessings in 2013 and thank you for the life lessons learned in 2012.