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Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts

Sunday, November 23, 2014

FINDING A ROOMMATE IN BERLIN (My Story)

So, it may seem like I don’t blog anymore since this is my first post in AGES! I do post, just more on my business blog at blog.funomenal.com. Starting a business is a lot of work and can be time consuming. As a result my personal blog posts greatly suffered. But I made a point to drop a couple of personal posts before 2015.

With that, I've been in a new apartment back in my favorite district of Berlin, Kreuzberg, for a few months now. My new roommate is cool as hell! He’s a writer. Often he’s in his room writing what I assume to be the next great German novel. Or a screen play about a roommate who kills and cooks his black American roommate. No idea but I hope it’s the first. He loves classic 90’s Hip hop and black women ALMOST as much as I do! I appreciate him. Seriously. I remember quite vividly what I went through to find this apartment before I lucked into this place. Let me tell you about a few of the people I met while looking for a new apartment…

When people are offering a room in their place I totally understand setting rules. A non-smoker saying you can’t smoke inside, or someone banning pets. I get it. Life is about compromise and you move in with a person you have to concede some things. What I don’t understand is a person trying to dictate how I can live my life if I live with them. I looked at one place owned by an older French woman who was an artist. This woman was a FRENCH ARTIST. She had the super strong accent and the airy whimsical way of describing a situation. Her apartment was well… it was minimalist at best. I thought she’d just moved in and was still figuring out the furniture arrangement. She’d lived in the place for 15 years! The only real furniture was a small kitchen table with two chairs and a desk in her bedroom. That was it! No sofa, no other chairs, tables, nothing, just that! In both bedrooms were a single thin mattress on the floor. Let me repeat that, a SINGLE THIN mattress directly on the floor. Not two mattresses, not one on top of a raised platform, just a lonely twin size mattress on the cold hard floor. When I asked her about the lack of furniture she said that’s how she wanted it. Too many man made things in her apartment “disturbed” her creative energy was her response. Ok, ok. Creative energy flow disturbance is the issue. But that disturbance can also go through walls from the other bedroom that a person is paying for and interfere with your art all the way on the other side of a rather large apartment? And does a second mattress also sends out bad vibes too? Does the brand of mattress help at all? And do synthetic material also affect your brain waves? Only cotton and wool clothing allowed? I can compromise to the Nth degree, however, I cannot pay someone to live like I’m in a Thai prison.  Needless to say that apartment was never really an option.

The second room I saw already was sketchy to me from the start. It was cheap, like super-duper cheap. I’m from the school that if something is very cheap then something must be wrong with it. But I decided to check it out anyway. Went to the apartment and sure enough.. very cheap often times is equal to super ghetto. The door to the building was locked, but there was a huge hole in the glass to the front door so someone could just stick their hand through and unlock it. I have to say though, the building itself wasn’t really the problem. It was the guy who lived in the apartment that was the problem. He was like a human Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh. He was so freakin depressing! He was about 50 years old and sounded like his entire life had been one big “Fuck you buddy!” from the universe. He was a private music teacher because he couldn’t get a band to accept him as a member, he wasn’t making enough teaching music so that’s why he needed a roommate and even then he might not be able to afford the rent. If he couldn’t get more private students he’d have to move back to his small village and live with his mother who had dementia. The last roommate had left without paying the rent for the last two months. He was OK with that because he must have done something to offend her. Why else would she not pay the rent? So he believed. He promised to stay out of the way if I brought a woman around so he wouldn’t scare them with his looks. Me being me I tried to be polite and offer words of encouragement. Get him to see things differently you know? But maaan, after like 10 minutes I had to get the HELL out of there! I almost ran into the kitchen and grabbed a spoon to try and slash my wrists! A lot of people have self-esteem issues and are insecure. It’s just, when you are talking someone into taking a room by saying they can pay less because you are such a horrible person when you’ve already said you can barely afford to pay your share as is.. It’s not really a convincing sales pitch. Poor guy. I searched the news for a week after that visit expecting to read about a single man around 50 who hung himself with guitar string in his small shabby apartment.

The last apartment I saw can best be described as all that glitters isn’t gold. Set up an appointment to see this place and I walk in and the place is DA BOMB!! It’s a very nice, totally renovated apartment. Everything is top of the line, custom fitted, just unbelievable. What would’ve been my room is HUGE! Had a massive plasma flat screen, separate seating area in the room with a sofa and table, nice little balcony. Kitchen had a gas range like you’d find on a cooking show with a fridge that would be at home in an American kitchen. I had stars in my eyes! I just knew I was moving in! Even did the “I found my apartment dance.” So, the owner of the apartment, a younger German male in his late 20’s, says he wants to get to know me better. Fair enough, that’s normal in Germany. They view the person who might live with them as more a potential friend than just someone who pays to live with them. My Spidey senses did start to tingle when he offered me a white wine in a glass the size of a baby’s head, but that shower! It’s the type with the massive shower head so it feels like you’re in a rain forest when you’re showering! So we’re in the living room talking and chitchatting watching TV. He asks me what I do blah blah blah. Then I ask him what he does. He’s a flight attendant. My Spidey senses are buzzing at this point. Now, I’m sure there are men who are straight who are hair dressers and flight attendants. I’m positive they exist. I personally have not run across any yet in my life. And that alone is not enough to worry me. Even if he is gay, it doesn’t mean he finds me attractive and wants to get in my pants. I pushed aside my homophobic thoughts and relaxed. This guy excuses himself and goes to the kitchen again and comes back with shots of Jägermeister. Shots of Jägermeister?? At an apartment viewing?? Mhmm.. I say I need to use the bathroom, but take the shot before I go into the bathroom, didn’t swallow it and then spit it out in the bathroom sink. Something told me being drunk around this dude might not be a good idea. I still was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. This apartment was too nice to give up on! I composed myself in the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and came back in the living room and sit back down on the sofa.  On the flat screen TV looks like a penis. My brain and my eyes started having this conversation between themselves.

Eyes: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! That’s a dick!”
Brain: “No, no. Couldn’t be. Contacts must be cloudy, look again.”
Eyes: “Muthafucca I know what a dick look like! It’s dick goddammit!”
Brain: “Are you 100% sure? Cause if that’s a dick then we are in trouble and we need to make damn sure that’s a dick before we react.”
Eyes: “Hmm.. Ok. Let’s see. No, actually, I was wrong it’s not a dick. It’s TWO dicks! IT’S GAY PORN, IT’S GAY PORN!!”

At that point my brain went into self-preservation mode and did all it could to protect my innocence, my eyes shut involuntarily as tight as possible and my hands went to my ears to block out all noises. I started humming gospel songs to prevent random sounds from the television making their way through my hands and I slowly rocked back and forth trying to find my happy place. Situations like that show a person’s true character. Maybe another man would’ve punched him in the face. Hard. Repeatedly. I honestly didn't want to hurt the guy’s feelings! Dammit I am so not a thug! If I remember correctly I believe I told him the wine didn’t agree with me and I needed to go because I was gonna be sick. What I DO remember is him saying I might feel better if I got undressed and laid down in his bed.. (-_-) That was the end of that apartment. There was even heated flooring in the bathroom! *sigh. After I’m out of the apartment this guy texts me, “Oh why did you leave? You could’ve slept over.” Etc etc. Again, I tried to be uber polite and explained I had a girlfriend AND I wasn't gay. At all. Like, not at all at all. He said OK and that he understood and the room was mine if I wanted it. He then proceeded to send me Whatsapp photos of his ass… Since then my phone hasn't worked the same since. His ass broke my phone!

Maybe it’s not a good idea if my current roommate reads this post. He might raise the rent on me knowing what I went through to find where I am now!

Epilogue

About a month ago I’m in my favorite café in my neighborhood. I’m relaxing, doing some work on my laptop. Two guys come in and sit across the room at a table. I pay no attention at all and only look up because they walk past. I only take notice when my ears pick up, “Flight attendant for a major German airline.” Then I paid attention. Yep. It was him. Mr. Gay-porn-showing-break-a-phone-wit-his-ass in the flesh! I started having flashbacks and almost hyperventilated on the spot! I had a hat on and pulled it as far down as it would go. Because of course that is disguise enough for a muscular black man in a café full of white Germans. Idiot. I didn't know what else to do! I packed up my bag as slowly and quietly as I could. I literally took the form of Voldemort in the first Harry Potter movie and slid out my chair. I dropped my jacket but because I was afraid bending down to pick it up would ruin my perfect disguise I didn’t try to pick it up. I had hid my face but not my ass! I kicked my jacket all the way through the coffee shop until I got outside. I picked that bitch up and ran home like the police were chasing me. At one point I thought I heard somebody yell out my name and a “Momma!” escaped my lips. I couldn't help it! I admit it! I was scared!  Besides, everybody know yellin’ “Momma!” creates a force field of protection around you. Say what you want to, but I made it home safely.  

Epilogue Deluxe
This guy now follows me on Facebook. Great. Just f*cking great. 

Monday, February 7, 2011

AROUSAL


You know those nightmares where even after you’ve woken up and began your day, the residual chill and fear you experienced the night before clings to the crevices of your psyche like sand between your toes after a day at the beach? That was the last 2 years of my life. I felt like I was in this fluid nightmare state whose grasp I couldn’t completely break free of. The inexplicable thing about the entire situation is, I wasn’t aware of the depth of my despair. I had no idea how far into the abyss I had waded. I’d created this alternate universe, a bizzaro world if you will of epic proportions, I wasn’t deserving of love, I was a fool to believe anyone would ever love me, no one was to be trusted and worst of all, my love had no power. The list goes on and on, and on..and on… I was so profoundly lost that the very notion of discovering a way out, finding me in the darkness seemed unfathomable, I was broken, but didn’t know what was broken and even if I did know where the breakdown had occurred, I was terrified I didn’t have the tools to rectify the situation. That feeling, frustration stacked on top of confusion, pressed upon disillusion caught upon insecurity creates a hopelessness of the worst kind.


I know I’m not the only person who has shed hot tears of dismay at night while writhing in tangible agony feeling powerless to make the aching stop, then, at daybreak, clutching at mental hooks to keep your sanity as you sleep walk through another meaningless day. The only sound is the loneliness you’re surrounded in echoing off the walls you’ve barricaded yourself behind. The only sensation the change between utter numbness or extreme fear. In quiet moments you find yourself wishing for that magical sleep where once you open your eyes you've begun the next lifetime where things may be better because they can't get any worse.


This desolate picture I’m painting only consists of swirls of gray, splashes of black and dabs of indigo blue. Yet, I had other colors available. There was a full pallet of intense yellows, brilliant greens and fiery reds ready to be incorporated into my life. I just was blind to anything outside my tunnel vision of depression.


Even now, as I squint in the light of remembrance, I sit back in amazement when confronted with the simple truth. I was never imprisoned in a world of darkness; I only had my eyes squeezed tight to brilliance. My solitude was entirely self-imposed. While I believed I was fighting against a current of blackness, in reality I was fighting against the arms of those who loved me reaching out to embrace me. When my insecurity had warped my mind and convinced me I was adrift in a sea of criticism, in actuality I was floating in a calm lagoon of encouragement. Worst of all, when I felt there was no one, with only the reverberations of emptiness to answer my cries for help, those rebounds were the voices of loved ones pleading with me to only open my eyes.


Now, after so many lost moments of being closed so long to the flame of possibility, my eyes are finally open. Completely, 100% open and I can see for miles in all directions and I can see the smiles of everyone who were waiting expectantly for me to rejoin them again in this life. Well, almost everyone… When people ask me now how I am doing, I always answer truthfully, amazing. Ninety days without sex is not my goal for the small minded people who read this, learning to always keep my eyes open is the ultimate target, open and facing the radiance of me. Day 10, and the learning continues…