OBSERVATIONS OF GAY MEN

I am not gay. Let me say this again so there are no misunderstandings, I am not gay. I have just had gay roommates at different times (Boston and Madrid) and worked security at a gay bar in New Zealand. Throw in the gay friends I have and I think I have some insight into gay men and these observations. Some of you may ask, “Wouldn’t a gay man be better off making these observations?” No! And I’ll tell you why. It’s difficult to truly see a situation from all sides when you are right in the middle of it. I am ghetto. So you will never see observations from me on being ghetto. I do things I don’t even realize are ghetto because I am ghetto. That’s why I’m the best person to write observations on gay men. That plus I’m just so damn funny!

1.) Ok, this is an observation wrapped in some advice. If you are gay and do not want your roommates to know you are gay, PLEASE refrain from doing these things. The first...Don’t let your roommates anywhere near your music collection. This is easier these days with the advent of MP3s. But either way, just keep it away from the roommates. A red flag will go up IMMEDIATELY if your music collection contains these artists...For black gay men..Every CD produced by Diana Ross and Mariah Carey or those soundtrack to those damn corny black church plays with names like...”God No Longer Lives Here”, “God in the Grits” or “Angry God or Pissed off Black Woman, which is worse?”. For Latin gay men...Best of Gloria Estefan, Thalia, Jennifer Lopez and soundtracks to Spanish soap operas. Oh and side note, Selena is DEAD. Stop talking about her like she’s still alive like Tupac! The second...stop walking around the house with those damn bright yellow cleaning gloves! Straight men can be just as clean as gay men; however, we NEVER walk around in those things let alone prancing like we are Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The third...don’t have everything in your room matching. If your photo frames match the pattern in your bedspread, that is a sign. Have something odd and out of place with a funky color thrown in there to throw people off your scent. The last and most important...do not, I mean, never, never, never look your male roommate from head to toe while your shirt is pulled up to your chest and you are rubbin on yo stomach while lickin’ yo lips! That is gay! People will know instantly..trust me.

2.) This next observation is more for Republicans and Catholics than normal people. Gay men don’t choose to be gay. They are born that way. How else can you explain how creative they are?? I mean, there is obviously something going on with the brain in the womb. Ok, ok, not ALL male hairdressers are gay, not all male clothing designers or dancers are gay. But there are more than enough to make you realize something is going on. Too many gay men are walking around well dressed and put together for it to be a “choice” of lifestyles. That’s like saying white people choose to be such poor dancers. They can’t help it, something happens in the womb where they can’t hear the beat. All those nerve endings that connect the feet to the ears? Deformed.

3.) Gay men are great dressers. I think we can pretty much agree on that. Not all, but for the most part, I am impressed with their fashion sense. HOWEVER, get gay men amongst their own surroundings like a Gay Pride parade or a gay bar...That fashion sense goes COMPLETELY out the window. It’s like it’s illegal to wear a shirt with sleeves and not skin tight. I have seen gay men in San Francisco in PUBLIC, wearing leather chaps with leather thongs and open leather vests with no shirts.. I’m no cowboy expert, but I’m thinking cowboys back in the day never wore that get up in public. And the infatuation with mesh or sheer material is mind-boggling. How 80's is it to wear a mesh tank top? Then when a man wears cut off jean shorts WITH the mesh tank top you have what we call in Florida a “Look a mess!”. In a gay bar once I saw a man wearing shorts with the crotch all busted out so you could actually see his stuff. I have this sinking suspicion he did that to his shorts on purpose. Shorts with no crotch?! Eeeeeewwwww. What is the trigger that makes the gay male brain go all haywire and dress worse than straight men?? It’s like its permanent Halloween and the theme is LET YOUR BALLS HANG OUT!!!

4.) Ok, so I have had two gay roommates. I am open minded, do you is what I say. But I have observed that gay men get comfortable around people in away that is a little...well..a little gross to me. So I have to constantly remind gay men I’m not gay. I cringe and scrunch up my face when I see a half naked man on TV, cover my eyes when two men are kissing on a program, things like that. If I don’t, things get said out loud that they should only be thinking...Had one flatmate bust out with, “Damn I could suck a dick right now!” The thing is..if we were watching something sexual on TV it would have made sense. Would have still made me spit out my kool-aid like it did, but I could have understood. We were watching The Simpson’s at the time...Don’t even want to know what lead him to that train of thought, but my point is..what made him say it out loud like that?! I have never in my life bust out with some mess like that once while around my friends while sober. “Chiiiiiild I ate his ass like chicken last night!” Riiiight and you had to tell me that because you like seeing me puke all over myself?? Too comfortable I tell ya! That leads me to my next observation.

5.) I have NOTHING against GAY men. My problem is with MEN. You see, it’s like this. I have observed that when you take women out of the equation things go down hill real fast. Women are the upholders of all that is good and decent in relationships, the guardians of sensibility and good-taste! Take women out of the equation and you have...well you have gay men. I have personally seen pickup lines like, “So, what brand of anal lube do you use?”, “You look like the type who would give me a reach around while he’s fucking me in the ass.” and “I promise not to bust a nut in your eye.” work. Wait, wait....hold up....Ok. Felt queasy there for a second just putting that on paper. Making me realive sights and sounds I’d prefer to leave in the past. My point is...lines like that only work on women when the men are super rich, it’s their boyfriends/husbands role playing or they are hookers. Women make men bring their A-games. Straight men would use the same lines if women let them. Women make men pretend we are higher up on the evolutionary scale.

6.) This observation is for gay men and straight men. Reason being, I have been hit on enough by gay men to know what females must go through. And let me tell you it’s HELL. I have such a deep respect for women who don’t get pissed off and shoot like 3 or 4 men every time they go out. Buying me a drink does not mean I HAVE to do anything with you. I didn’t ask you for the drink....you offered. I told you I can buy my own drink and was trying to do so at the bar when you INSISTED on buying me one. Thanks for the drink, get yo ugly ass out of my face. Cheese and Rice is the drink you bought me a magnate??!! Is that why you are following me around the club like that??!! If I put the drink down will you be drawn to the drink so I can escape??!! And you don’t have to touch me to speak to me! Aiight now, like I don’t know that was you touching my ass. I don’t have vertigo MF, I can stand just find on my own without you supporting me so stop touching me! Maaan if you don’t back up off of me on this dance flo’! Oh hell no! IF I was interested in dancing with you, you think I would do it with you dancing like that?! Keep away you retarded muthafucca! I’m not playing hard to get, I PROMISE you. Women, you can at least escape to the toilets...Went to a gay club with a roommate in Boston...made the mistake of going to the toilet. First of all, it was one of the most surreal experiences in my life. It was like a Salvador Dali painting ...saw “women” going into the stalls and their feet kept on facing the toilet and I heard peeing, saw two, three and four men coming out of one stall at once, more than one man using urinals at a time....So the Orc that bought you the drink, keeps on trying to talk to you and grind with you on the dance floor can FOLLOW you into the toilets.... Think women how that would magnify your problems. You can’t use urinals in gay toilets. No, no, no you are asking for PROBLEMS! You have to go into a stall and bolt the door. Of course most of the locks have been taken off so you have to pee while twisting your upper body around to hold on to the door with one hand. You try doing that while drunk! And at the end of the night, if I haven’t spoken to you, danced with you or let you into my toilet stall....WHY do you think standing off to the side, licking your lips and rubbing on your lower belly is going to make me change my mind?? Oooh damn! The drink didn’t do it, the dirty dancing didn’t do it, but the way you are standing over there licking your lips like you have down syndrome and rubbing on your stomach like a Genii gonna pop out yo ass GOT me. Come on and let’s go back to my place. Sike you ugly bastard!

7.) Gay men always use these argument with every straight man....”It’s really much easier being gay. You don’t have to work as hard for sex.” Well my grandma said you appreciate things much more when you have to work for them. “Men know what other men want better than women.” Well Carl knows what he wants better than any gay men and Carl wants pussy. “How do you know until you try it?” Well, I’ve never eaten shit before, but I can pretty much guarantee I don’t need to taste it to know I won’t like it. Same goes for dick.

8.) Not really an observation but a statement...being drunk is not an excuse! That goes for women as well. I have been falling down drunk in gay locals and it NEVER crossed my mind..EVER. You are a man and sleep with a man you’re gay! Or at the least been thinking about it for a long time and needed an excuse. Alcohol does not impair your judgment and make you do anything you didn’t want to do in the first place. In saying that though, gay men do know how to make cocktails. They don’t skimp on the alcohol ever. But it’s still an excuse you sleep with someone gay and you are “straight” and say you were drunk.

9.) So my last observations...these are observations for females. If you notice these things about your man, most likely he is gay. Don’t hate on him, just let him know he doesn’t need to hide it in these open times and let him be so you can find a straight man. Signs he is gay.... He comes home from hanging with his boys and has hickeys on the BACK of his neck. You are doing laundry and realize he has booboo stains on the back AND front of his underwear..Oh, he goes to get prostate exams more than once a year. Being concerned about your health is one thing, having a person stick their finger up your ass more than once a year is a sign!