Anyone who knows me KNEW this observation was coming. Seriously, how could you not have had an inkling it was in the works and on it’s way down the pipeline! As I said before, it is always better for a person NOT from or apart of the culture to observe those people. It gives you a bit of perspective on certain actions and ritual habits of the focus group. Also, for those of you who don’t know, I attended a very small, private, Christian school from Kindergarten through the 8th grade in the white part of the city. I have YEARS of seeing you all up close and personal. These observations are geared towards white AMERICANS. White Europeans are different I swear. My observations are never meant to offend, only make you laugh, so take them all in stride with a grain of salt white people. Don’t want any of you going postal up in here.
I love white people. No, seriously, on a certain level I do love white people. You all are so damn entertaining! I mean, this world would be a completely different place if it wasn’t for white people. You keep it interesting to say the least. You know what? I wrote down a few observations of the things you do that tickles me pink and makes me shake my head in wonder.
1.) Minorities in the USA are fighting to have equal representation on TV programs in America. They say that our media should reflect the diversity of our society. Fair enough, but there are some shows that I hope remain all white because frankly, they won’t be nearly as funny. And, I bet you a million dollars that black and Asian people won’t be fighting to audition for these shows… When Animals Attack They have this program in America where there are video clips sent in from bystanders, witnesses and even family members of when animals attack people. I love this show!! I would skip classes in university, cancel dates and not answer my phone to watch this show. It was an hour-long program of white people getting the living shit beat out of them by animals. For example, this white woman goes to the zoo and wants a photo of the Polar Bears. I mean, who wouldn’t want a photo of Polar Bears, even black people would want a photo of Polar Bears. There were even black people in the background of this video also, taking photos of Polar Bears…. from a safe distance! One of the Polar Bears ambles over to the fence and this white woman must have thought, “Oh! This will be such a great photo! All my friends will love this!” This crazy heffa climbs over the little fence thing they have, ignores the signs which CLEARLY state do NOT go near the Polar Bears and stands next to the Polar Bear, who is still in his enclosed area mind you, but still! While this woman is waiting for the person to take the photo, that damn Polar Bear all of a sudden, grabbed that woman like he was a Pimp and she was his bitch! He took her around the throat and started shaking the shit out of her. “Where my money bitch?! Don’t play with my money!” Her head was snapping back and forth like a newborn when you don’t support their neck. OR, he could have been saying, “Didn’t you read the sign?! Can’t you read?! It says stay the fuck away from the Polar Bears cause we are dangerous!!” What made this even funnier was in the background, as SOON as the Polar Bear attacked that woman aaaaaaall the black people SCATTED! I mean they ran away like the Polar Bear was going to get tired of shaking that woman around and start looking for black people next. “Well, that was fun. Now let me break out and try it on some negroes.” In my humble opinion, I think it was love. This woman was not small in the least AND she was wearing a white shirt. I think the Polar Bear thought she was trying to step to him and kick game. He did what any male Polar Bear worth his salt would do, tried to pull a 270 lbs woman through a space of 4 inches to get a piece of ass. Then there was the one, and this one makes me laugh just THINKING about it. This GENIUS of a white man decides to build a wooden whistle call thing that mimics the sound of a female deer in heat. In other words, he made a device that made a male deer think he was going to get laid. The fact he even built that is sooo white. You spend hours of your life that you will never get back building a device to make male bucks thing you are a female doe that wants to mate?? Anyway, Him and his wife go out in the woods, wife is videotaping; husband is blowing on that damn evil contraption. After some time, you see some rustling in some trees and this HUGE Buck runs out. I mean this thing had antlers at least 1.5 meters across. This is where the story gets really good! The Buck was shocked at first. I swear I saw shock on that animals face. Can you imagine how you would feel? “What’s that sound? Is that… Yes, I think it is. I’m sure it is! A Doe wants a piece of this Buck meat. Imma get laid, Imma get laid, Imma get laid.” So, you run your ass to the sound, full speed no less and instead of seeing a sexy piece of ass you see a bald, middle-aged white man with a goofy grin on his face. I would have done EXACTLY what that deer did. He took a moment to gather and compose himself, then he stood up on his hind legs and started to beat the living mess out of that white man. That is what made it so funny! He didn’t charge him with his antlers; he stood up like a person and started to whoop his ass! It was like when you were a kid, and your mom would spank you, but in between each word give you a pop on the bottom. “Now” bonk “How” hit “Would” bang “You” pow “Like” blam “If someone did that to you?!” I swear I even heard the Buck say, “Silly white man, don’t you know Trix are for kids?” He was whooping his ass like he was the Trix rabbit and caught him eating a bowl of Trix. Where was wife during all of this you ask? She never stopped filming! She didn’t run away, she didn’t scream for help, she didn’t throw rocks at it, NOTHING! Let’s say for the sake of comparison that the couple was black. I don’t know any black people who would go out into the forest PERIOD let alone to fool male deer, but for this example we will forget all of that. Now, as soon as the trees starting rustling, I PROMISE you the story would have been over. The black man might have got his assed gored by that Buck but we wouldn’t have seen it. Black woman would have been long gone, back in the car on the cell calling Jerome’s mommy to tell her what her crazy ass son did. Now, that same black woman would have gone back out there. Not necessarily to check on her man, but to see if she could salvage any footage to win some money on America’s Funniest Home Videos. What do you say to your wife after that? I mean, it was his fault he did something that stupid, but you would like to imagine your wife has your back. She didn’t even scream Look Out for Pete’s sake! Still though, that was some funny ish. Whew! Hold on a minute, gotta wipe the tears from my eyes… I know I’m not the only one who has seen that clip!! The deer stood up on it’s hide legs and started boxing this man like he was Muhammad Ali. And then the white man did what white people seem to do in situations like that…he fell. That deer stomped his ass like he was in the Rollin’ 20 Crips gang, “Break yo self fool!” The only time I saw a black person on that show was when they had no choice. Black lady worked as a dog catcher for the city. I think it was a setup personally. Why would you have a camera crew on had for a routine impounding of a dog? When it’s a Pit bull I guess. Of course the dog bit the shit out of that poor woman. You know what, he only got a hold of her once cause she ran her ass away. She left the truck behind and just ran. They had this little note up after saying Tameka never went back to work after that. You think?!?! Jackass is really a love/hate thing for me. However, I can appreciate it for its finer points. Seriously, without white people a show like that would never exist. It’s a show where they go around doing things to purposely hurt each other. The stunts they do are injury threatening, if black people tried to do them they would be LIFE threatening. How about that one white boy that always tries to catch the drop on his dad and beat the shit out of him. I was amazed when I first saw that. My first thought was, “Damn that man gotta big stomach.” Then I thought, “Damn! He is getting’ his ass tore up!” Then I found out that was his son doing it! I figured he had molested his son or something and through hypnosis at his Psychiatrist, the son has remembered all those horrible memories he had suppressed. How was I to know it was for fun he was slapping his dad in the face repeatedly? Now, a black son would get away with one beating if he caught the drop on his dad well enough. But he had better make it the beat down of the century cause one chance is all he would get! Black dad would have gone to the closet, got his pistol and hunted his own son down. God rest my father’s soul, but he was not the man to be going around slapping in the face. No, no, nooooooo you did not slap Carl White Sr. in the face. I mean, unless you had a death wish or something. What about the time Steve-O went and had his ass cheeks pierced together. I was horrified and entertained at the same time. It was like eating a good hotdog and reading the ingredients of the hotdog at the same time. All the times they walk around in thongs and jock straps playing ball touch games? Wouldn’t happen at all with Dominicans or Haitians. I love you white people!
2.) This is a serious question. No, stop giggling. In all seriousness white people, what is up with the diggin’ cheese in public. Since I am international, let me explain diggin’ cheese to all you non-Americans out there. It is when your pants, shorts, underwear, etc, etc get stuck in the crack of your ass, and you have to reach in the crack of your ass to get the article of clothing out. It happens to EVERYONE. It just seems white people don’t care where they are at. Now, it does seem that the white people I see doing it are in the parking lot of Wal-Mart or 7-11, but they are still white. It’s just, you don’t try and hide it at all. If it isn’t bad enough that you do it in public, do you HAVE to smell your hand afterwards?? Ok, ok, just the white guys do that but DAMN! Put your back against a wall and do it, there might be children around. Or have a family member walk behind you to screen the unsuspecting public. That’s what black people do.
3.) Another very serious observation here people so straighten up. White people are STRESSED! Really, you all are the most stressed people in the world. I personally think black, Latin, Asian, all of us need to go around America massaging white people and making sure there stress levels are in the normal range. How else can you explain all these white people getting fired from jobs they don’t like in the first place, then going back and shooting their office workers?? Is it really that serious? A Mexican gets fired…actually, Mexicans don’t get fired, they work too hard for such little money no one is firing them. Ok, so a black person gets fired, we don’t ever read about them going back and killing people. Now if they tried to play with a negros last check MAYBE! But I highly doubt they would kill anyone. Point a gun at the Head of Accounting maybe, but shoot them? Naaaaa, couldn’t get the money then. Walking into an office you have worked at every day for 6 years and shooting the person who sat in a cubicle next to you and never did a damn thing to you? Stress. OR, they are lonely. Adopt a white person black people. Yes, I am starting it here on this blog, Black Americans adopt a white person and become their friend. I’m tired of hearing about all these lonely white boys going into schools and killing classrooms of people. Adopt one, become their friend, it’s like a pre-emptive move on your part to save your own life and your loved ones. Hell, what is crazy is that white people might start sending their kids to black schools so they’ll be safe! Now ain’t THAT some shit!!
4.) If I Ruled The World, that is the title of a song by Nas. He said if he ruled the world, he would free all the convicts in Attica, send them to Africa. I’m not a poet like Nas, however, if I ruled the world, I would make it illegal for white people to have dreadlocks. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know a lot of you seem to like them, but they look disgusting on you. Think of this as some fashion advice, or an insight into what black people talk about. We are talking about how it looks like you have an ancient bird’s nest up on your head. Then some of you weave trinkets and charms in them.. WHY?? Who told you that would look good so I can go find them and choke them. Not every race can do the same thing as other races. Don’t get mad at me, take it to God. Axe the locks people, it doesn’t work for you. It’s like a black person putting white paint on themselves, putting on black lipstick and fingernail polish and trying to go Goth. It wouldn’t work. I have to admit, I have had a few crushes on Goth chics. Black women can look beautiful in damn near everything, but dressed up like a female version of Marilyn Manson is asking to get made fun of. If that is true, then walking around looking like a white Bob Marley is Yuck. Believe me, it’s yuck.
