OBSERVATIONS ON TURNING 40

Today I turn 40. I guess it’s a milestone, or a reason to celebrate. It’s also a fact of life, I mean, after 39 comes 40. Now, before anyone thinks I’m sitting in front of my laptop writing observations instead of celebrating there are actually some positives to technology. I scheduled these observations to post on my birthday at a specific time. At the moment, I’m in Northern Spain (hopefully it’s sunny) relaxing (or recovering) and enjoying the company of good friends and gearing up for the next 40 years. There are a few things I’ve observed in my time on earth. These observations might only be particular to me, but these are things I’ve noticed…

I don’t look 40. Now, I only say that with only a PINCH of ego. Yeah yeah “black don’t crack”. But I REALLY don’t look 40. I recently got a tattoo from one of the top tattoo artists in China. He doesn’t speak a word of English and everything had to go through his interpreter. They pointed out that two of my tattoos were fading. I explained that it’s normal for tattoos to fade after 20 years. There response was, “Are you Asian?” Confused I asked them to explain. They said I must be Asian to look so young. I admit it made me feel good. Who doesn’t like to hear compliments like that! After the tattoo the artist said it was a pleasure to tattoo someone with such healthy skin. My first observation is on why I think I look young for my age.

No kids. Hey, I love kids. Even though I’m now 40 I still hope to meet someone not too opposed to bearing the child of a middle-aged man. As much as children bring laughter and joy everyone knows they also cause stress. It’s a proven fact that stress ages the body. I am only concerned with feeding, clothing and caring for myself. I have eaten cereal for breakfast, lunch, dinner AND snack on more than a few occasions. I once wore the same pair of socks for a week straight without washing them. Ok, I was traveling around Central America and lost my other pairs but still. Try having a 6 year wear the same pair of socks that long. I only have to worry about myself and sometimes I mess that up! I know how much stress I caused my mother. I was devious and asked questions non-stop. How she worked a full time job, dealt with a husband and took care of house and home without swinging me around by my feet above her head like a helicopter to get me to shut up I don’t know. Point is, I stressed her. Now my mom looks great for her age, but if she didn’t have 4 kids she’d be running around here looking like she’s 35.

I’ve lived in many different countries and overall my stress level in foreign countries for 11 months equals the stress I experience being in the US for one. I worry less about what’s in my food outside of the USA. Big difference only needing to check the sugar and fat content of food and not if it’s been genetically modified or sprayed with pesticides or even real. I eat way less meat and smaller portions which in turn makes me healthier. I also snack less being outside the US, unless it’s cereal. Another thing that makes me healthier? Vacations! We don’t vacation in the United States. Loading up your bad a$$ kids and driving 10 hours straight to visit your parents for a 3 day weekend is not a vacation! When Europeans take a break from work, they BREEAAK! Work is the last thing on their mind for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! My American butt thought that was ridiculous until I moved to Europe and actually started vacationing. Talk about wiping the slate clean and recharging your batteries, whew! But the biggest factor that keeps me looking youthful from not living in the US is being alive. Real talk. I go to a movie theater in Europe my biggest concern is if I’ll need to use the bathroom halfway through, not if a person will walk in and start shooting. Matter of fact, everywhere I go in Europe I know the only people who will have guns are the police. That is a beautiful thing! Oh, and police don’t use black people for target practice in Europe. Yeah, that also keeps a brother looking young.  Ducking and dodging bullets ages a person! In saying that, I still have a sh!t ton of gray hair!

Which leads me to my second observation of turning 40. Women LOVE a man with a bit of gray. When I was in my 20’s I didn’t get why women my own age were all into men so much older than them. I mean, a man in his 20’s is normally in better shape, has more hair, more energy, more sexual stamina, and blah blah blah. Now that I’m 40 there are women who when I was 25 I would’ve had to put in WORK for are stepping to me. Being in your late 30’s and early 40’s for a man with some gray is not a bad place to be. I don’t know if they assume older man more money? Which makes no sense in Berlin since no one has any money here. Or older man more likely to be ready to settle down? Older men don’t chase it so we’re more of a challenge? No idea. I just know I ain’t mad!

A very very real thing I have noticed is the beginning of physical deterioration. Every time I hear someone who is 40+ talk about being just as good as they were 10 years ago I want to slap them in the face and yell “Snap out of it man! For the love of God wake up!” It’s called reality people. How many professional athletes are still playing at 40 years old? There might be one or two exceptions but for the most part there are none. And if they are out there they aren’t at the top of their game. I feel it when I work out. Every 6 weeks I need to change up my workouts to low impact body weight things to give my joints a rest. In my 20’s I could go two weeks without working out and eat like I was a prison inmate getting his last meal and not look any different. If I go three days now without working out and don’t have a strict healthy diet, I look like I came from a frat party where I played 12 hours of beer pong straight. Just the way it is. I know I can push myself to be in the best possible shape I can be in now, and it won’t match my physical highs of 10 years ago. Case in point, a couple of weeks ago I started a new workout that calls for me to do explosive vertical jumps. That’s simply jumping as high as you can, nothing more. But think about it, when is the last time you’ve jumped as HIGH as you can? Why would you? So I jumped. Now, when I was 13 years old I won silver in the AAU Jr. Olympics in the long jump. I jumped 20ft (6 meters). Where I'm from we call that hops. I could fly. COULD people, remember that. Spiritually I touched the moon on that first vertical jump. My soul soared and was like “Wahooooooo!”. In reality it was more like, “Wa!” cause I came back to earth so fast. My spirit hit its head on the roof of my skull from that rapid decent. I clicked my teeth I hit the ground so hard. My brain was like a woman who is celibate for years then finally decides to have sex and the man lasts like 3 strokes, “Is that all? Are you seriously telling me that’s all? I coulda kept my clothes on for that mess.” My physical body was like the man, “I don’t know what happened! This has never happened before! Let me try again!”. At that moment I perfectly understood the saying, mind is willing but the body isn’t able. You know what? I’m perfectly OK with that. Before I worked out to set personal bests in the gym. When I was 25 I weighed 170lbs (77kg) and benched 385lbs (175kg). Now I work out to look good naked. I honestly have no idea how much I can bench press and I could give two sh!ts. My tattoos are still in the same places now as they were 20 years ago and women still stare at my butt when I wear fitted pants. THAT is my measuring stick now. Now on the mental level?? TOTALLY different story! But for the physical? Yeah, I feel it. Extra 15 minutes for warmup before I work out, taking random days off to recover and  joint pain after walking up 5 flights of stairs is my life at 40.

I’m 40 and not married, never been married and from the first observation obviously childless. My past relationships failed for a number of reasons, admittedly mostly due to this. But I at least was smart enough to pick up a few things that at 40 I believe I’ve finally figured out. In my opinion there are 4 pillars of attraction to a successful relationship. They are Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual and Emotional. If you don’t have at least three of those things your relationship will tip over and crash. With only two you might be able to balance things for a while, but you won’t have a sturdy foundation to see you through the tough times. Yes, looks are going to fade, but you can’t see someone’s kindness and compassion across the street. It’s the first thing we see and it’s nice to have. One of my favorite things, right up there with cake, is to be in a shop or bookstore and see an attractive woman out the corner of your eye and think, “Daaaamn!!!” Then that woman walks your way and you puff out your chest and suck in your gut and you realize it’s your girlfriend. Then you get all happy cause you are like, “She’s with me!?! I get to see her naked!!” Physical attraction, helping people want to make babies since forever.

Intellectual for me is HUGE! And a sidebar observation, folks these days have forgotten what intellectual conversation means. Hell! People don’t even KNOW what conversation means! Conversation is a form of talking. Talking refers to a conversational exchange. Telling is used to inform or instruct. Talking is not the same as telling. When people talk they EXCHANGE ideas. Telling is when you provide information and is a one-way street. If you are always telling your significant other things you are not creating the environment for you two to learn more about each other and expand the boundaries of your intellectual capacity. There are only so many times someone can tell me about their day or what so and so did before I get bored. But if someone talks to me about the organizational structure of their job and how it prevents them from growing in a professional capacity or the behavioral basis for why people act a certain way I’m down like four flat tires to do that for hours. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds events; small minds discuss people.” People don’t talk as much as they did 10 or 20 years ago. There are enough posts about that due to a number of factors, but I definitely notice it as I get older on a personal level. Communication is the key in relationships and that entails talking, posting Facebook memes does not count! If you’ve been dating someone for months and you don’t know their views on politics, religion, relationships, sex, extraterrestrial life, Marvel vs DC Comics and sweet vs savory… you are missing one of those 4 pillars. And books, if a person doesn’t have books in their apartment or house, run. Quickly. And don’t stop until you can't hear their cries of “where are you going?!?”. Books provide so much fuel for great conversations I can’t see meaningful conversation without them.

Spiritual and Emotional are connected in many ways. A couple on some level should believe there is a higher power that brought them together. I know it sounds hokey but these are MY observations. I just believe when people act like there was a cosmic design to bring you together you appreciate what you have a bit more.  Hopefully you explore it and strive to comprehend it on a deeper and more fulfilling level which leads to a stronger emotional bond. If you’re with someone only because they have the right family name or enough zeroes in their salary, then your spiritual and emotional connection is weak. You're also not going to be interested in a more profound relationship either that works toward enlightening your spirits and strengthening your emotional bonds.

Ok, so in theory relationships lead to marriage and I am at that age now where a lot of first marriages are ending and second marriages are beginning. Lord knows as someone who has never been married I have no idea what it takes to be happily married or have a happy marriage. I have however observed enough relationships and marriages to have an opinion. Marry your first love or wait until you are as close to 40 as possible. Now, some people might read first love and imagine their first boyfriend or girlfriend and say, “Nooo way!”. I would have to agree. My first REAL girlfriend eventually became my fiancé. What a disaster that was! Best thing that ever happened was me not marrying that woman. After her though I met my first love. Oh that experience...Yeah, that experience went on to shape a significant portion of my life and put a permanent stamp on my definition of love itself. Your first love is pure and untainted. You only know endless possibilities and haven’t experienced heartbreak to be distrustful. You follow impulses and desire and treat every single moment as a treasure with no regard to the consequences. You love as if you will never be hurt and never doubt the source of your love and more importantly, theirs. There is no word in any language to describe a first love. It is an authentic force that never dies, it is only altered and continues to evolve for all of eternity. It’s never ever a mistake to dive into that love at the first opportunity and swim in it for as long as you can.

If by chance you don’t get that opportunity, wait. Again, these are my observations. In my late 20’s I felt an obligation to get married which is much stronger in certain cultures than others but still very prevalent. When your heart is clouded by the weight of expectations  it’s always best to wait until you can hear it more clearly. For me it’s as I’ve moved closer to 40. I’ve moved past a lot of insecurity and dealt with a lot of emotional issues that kept me from being able to truly commit to a person in a healthy relationship. I had to unlearn some harmful habits andstart trusting the voice of my heart again. A long and painful process but very necessary part of my journey. I’m not saying I’m 100% ready, but I am much closer today than I was yesterday and certainly more so than I was 10 years ago. My level of appreciation for someone who can not only put up with my scars but love me not in spite of them, but because of them is infinite now.  And that’s how I feel about that.

My final observation on turning 40 is getting older makes you long-winded! But hey, you can always stop reading! So, I've noticed that your circle of friends shrinks. As you get older the number of people you consider to be friends grows smaller. That is for a number of reasons and everyone has different ones. For me I realized that often times the people I thought were my friends were people who were cool to go out and party with. Not the same as being someone I could turn to when I felt lost and needed a steadying hand. I also confused someone being friendly with being my friend. A conversation I had with a very wise woman set me straight on that a few years ago. The gist of the conversation was that I was wrong in assuming I had a lot of female friends. She had one simple test for me when a female who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time tried to reconnect, ask if they were single. She explained that more often than not a woman reaching out to me was because she was currently or recently single and wanted to gauge the possibility of us RECONNECTING (nudge nudge wink wink). She was right. At my age the people who want to communicate with me I really like and I believe the feeling is mutual. There is no hidden agenda and they have my best interest at heart. That makes our interaction very… reassuring. compared to my 20's, I interact with much fewer people. I'm OK with that. The ones who are in my life now are meant to be there and even if our interaction is brief it's still extremely special to me. It has more impact and value. 

Ok, my last observation of turning 40.. Hey! My birthday, my observations, my rules. So

two last observations! Family. Family gets more important and you miss them more as you get older. You may have your differences with your family but you’ve never heard anyone saying that’s my ex-brother or my ex-cousin. You will always be family and there is something powerful and special in that. You share a bond with those people that goes back generations of a lot of different factors coming into play that produced that blood. With my family I am now Jesus. Not saying I’m turning water into wine or raising the dead! More like the forgiving part. Believe it was 7x70? In other words, people make mistakes and family should always get extra leeway. And I live in Berlin so I miss a lot of their mistakes also, easier to forgive what you don't know about! Ha! 

Yeah, that’s enough. Now back to my scheduled 40^th birthday celebration in Spain. It’s been a FUNomenal journey so far and I am looking forward to what the future brings. Hopefully some cake... *sigh I really love cake. 

OBSERVATIONS ON TRAVELING

Right, so when I say traveling I mean TRAVELING. Going to visit your cousins for a weekend is a visit. Going to some touristy place on some pre-packaged tour with 1,000 of your closest friends taking a trip. I mean traveling. Traveling is going to some place you either never been before and know no one, stay for longer than a week or you mingle with the locals and are the only foreigner. Ok, with that out the way, I have been traveling off and on, mostly on since 2000. I’ve seen at least 25 countries…give or take. These are things that I have felt, experienced or spoken to other travelers about. If you are a traveler as well I hope you find these amusing, and if you’ve always wanted to do some traveling, I hope it inspires you to at least consider it more seriously.

1.) One of the first things I realize about traveling is it makes you become more open-minded. You have no choice but to take a step…ok, steps outside of your comfort zone. At some point you are going to be in a town or village that has no McDonalds or Burger King (for Americans) for miles around and the menu is not going to be in English. You can ask what things are on the menu and then play charades with the waiter as they try to act out animal, “It’s an Ox! No? A bear!! Wait, wait, I got it! A gay gazelle!! Oh fuck it, just give me the soup.” Or you can just close your eyes and point. I’m black and from the south. Black people from the south aren’t known for being wild and crazy about branching out and trying new types of food. I know black people in Florida who would go to McDonalds and be afraid to order new things on the menu. It’s McDonalds! Not like they are suddenly going to serve McSquid rings or McBat burgers. Before I started traveling, I fit that description perfectly. In Guatemala, I was traveling around and my Spanish was practically non-existent at that time. Ordered a dish that was gooooooood, oh man it was good. Messed around and improved my Spanish and learned what I ate..it was a mixture of sausage and pigs blood. Then it was eeeeeewwwwwww! Now, it’s hey, it was an experience. Not only with food do you become more open-minded, but with people, ideas, ways of life. In Central America and Spain, they have these serious religious processions for Easter. Well, the centerpieces of these processions are these HUGE ark monument things dedicated to Jesus. The men who carry those things are always dressed as if they are in the KKK! They have the flowing robes, the pointed hats, everything down to the last detail except for the signs that say, “Nigger go home!” If I hadn’t become more open-minded I would have missed out on a great experience. In saying that, a brotha still made sure there was a clear escape exit just in case the sign mentioned above poked up out of the crowd. In the states if I am walking down the rode late at night and a man pulls over in his car and asks if I need a ride, I’m going to immediately translate that into “You want some dick?”. If I’m in some new country at night looking for my hotel and a man pulls over and asks if I need a ride….I’ll still translate that to, “You want some dick?” BUT, I’m more open-minded and think that maybe he only wanted to give me a ride.

2.) If you are away from your country for any amount of time, like any normal person you are going to start to miss things from your country. I’ve noticed it’s not the big things like oh I don’t know say freedom if you visit Nepal or alcohol if you visit Iran. I mean, I’m sure I would miss those things as well, but it’s those little random things you never think about until you are away from them for a significant amount of time. I was always take it or leave it with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I like them, but Lord if I don’t feen for them like they aren’t cocaine now! You know in New Zealand they don’t even have grape jelly?? How the hell is that possible!? They grow wine in New Zealand, what do they do with those extra grapes they don’t use?? No grape jelly?! It’s just not the same with blueberry jelly or fruit of the forest jelly. It’s good, but not the same. Did you know that outside of North America is NOT common for peanut butter to have salt? Do you know what peanut butter without salt tastes like?? NOTHING! It tastes like nothing. It’s just stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. You know what else I miss? Muthafuccin pop tarts! That’s right, I miss pop tarts. They are the perfect snack food. I mean, you can throw them in the toaster and it’s hot and a little more filling than toast. Can take them with you as a quick snack if you are running late….Man, if anyone wants to send some brown cinnamon pop tarts…oh, and hot pockets, oh, oh and some Lil Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Do any of you know what I wouldn’t do for some butterscotch chips right now so I can bake my special brownies!!?? 24 hour stores…………………………sorry, I was daydreaming about shit being convenient any time of the day or night.

3.) A very interesting observation….conservatives don’t travel. I swear. I have yet to meet a conservative on any of my travels. I’m sure they visit places, but being in a country for a significant amount of time? Haven’t seen any at all. Maybe they roam in packs, like wolves. No single American I have met outside of the United States voted for George Bush. Let’s think about this for a second. Why would conservatives not travel and mix with the locals? They have to be out there. Do they only mix wit the conservatives of the country they are visiting? That takes me to my next observation.

4.) Maybe conservatives do travel, but I find once you start to travel, you become more liberal. It’s one thing to see on CNN all the protests against the World Trade Agreement, shots of famine in Africa or hear interviews from survivors of military regimes. It’s a completely different thing to go to those countries and meet the people affected by all those events we see on the news. It’s difficult to be against legalizing illegal immigrants in the states when you have been one yourself in a foreign country. You know first hand what it’s like trying to fit in, find a job, learn the language and just plain be accepted. Any business practice that forsakes the basic needs of humanity just doesn’t sit well when you become friends with the people it would affect directly. In turn, it makes me wonder, is it unnatural then to be a conservative? I mean, when you travel and you experience life on it’s more basic levels, you tend to take on a certain way of viewing the world. If you are separated from the natural current of living, do you forget what the most important things in life are and you become misguided? Ok, a little deep I know, but a thought none the less I would love to hear people’s ideas and thoughts.

5.) Are Americans ignorant about anything going on outside of the US? Of course they are. Matter of fact, most of America is ignorant about things going on INSIDE of the United States. You know, most people in every country I’ve lived in are just as ignorant as Americans. That leads me to believe that if you have never left your country of origin, you are going to be ignorant to 99% of the world. I can’t count the number of times that people have tried to tell me, an American, about what goes on in my own country. “All Americans are fat.” “So you’ve been to the United States then?” “No, but a friend of mine knows this guy whose cousin went.” “So he said every American was fat then?” “No, he said there were a lot of fast food places and it was normal to eat sweet things for breakfast.” Riiiiiiiight, from that deduction EVERYONE in the US is fat. Otherwise intelligent people in other countries make “scientific” deductions based on films from the United States about the United States. Or, they take the most sensational of news stories and apply it to a country of over 300 million people. In Europe, they don’t dub every single film we make in the US, for some reason though, out of aaaaaaall the films made in Hollywood worthy of being dubbed into another language, they decided to dub Soul Plane here in Spain. Can I tell you the problems that film caused me?? Imagine a country where VERY few black Americans travel to and that film is shown in your country. SMDH….(Shaking My Damn Head) No different than what Americans do so no one in other countries can complain about the ignorance of Americans. Sure your fellow compatriots do the same damn thing. Only reason Americans endure the most criticism is because our actions affect the entire world. So I understand the criticism, just remember the ignorance flows both ways.

6.) You know what else traveling does? It reminds you what is important in life. I mean, yeah, yeah, love, friendship and all of that is important as well. I’m talking about in the context of traveling though of what’s important. Number one most important thing while you are traveling?? Underwear. Oh yeah, it’s the MOST important thing while you are traveling. Better yet, CLEAN underwear is the most important thing while traveling. If anyone has ever been stuck in a humid climate and forced to wear the same draws for 3 days straight you know what I mean. Clean underwear is like gold when you are backpacking through the middle of nowhere. And will someone please tell me why underwear are so damn expensive out of the United States??? It’s insane how expensive a single pair of draws are in Europe. Then they try and justify the cost of the damn things by hanging them up on a hanger. You can’t fool me! I know it’s draws and not a shirt or a pair of pants. And why hang them up?? You are selling them to men! Men don’t care. A man will wear draws until the crotch is all busted out and our balls don’t even stay inside the damn things. Along with the peanut butter and pop tarts, send some underwear. Better yet, I take that back. I think I’ll keep that job for my mother and grandmother. Seriously though, first time I left the states was to Costa Rica. I had bags so big I could have brought enough peanut butter and grape jelly to sell and become rich! I brought the most random things thinking I MIGHT use it. I never even used a third of all those clothes and things. Now? I can fit everything I need in one suitcase that includes my teaching clothes, teaching material, cold and warm weather clothes and personal effects. I traveled around most of Western Europe and North Africa for 3 weeks with a backpack that was 8 kg and I still felt like I had too much. The only things I would NEVER leave behind now are photos of my family and friends, cards from loved ones, items from the countries I’ve visited and my journals. In Madrid my backpack was stolen, it had my passport, camera, CD player, damn near everything…. The only things I felt loss over were the film in the camera, my passport (cause of all the stamps of the countries I had visited) and my journals. I keep two journals, one for my thoughts, and the other for my actions. I ain’t goin’ to lie, I shed tears over those journals. You all should too! Think of all the observations you’ve missed out on cause those bastards stole my bag.

7.) Traveling makes you younger. No lie, it really does make you younger. Or at least you look younger. Everyone I have met abroad who travels extensively looks younger than their years. In Madrid, I was the “baby” of my group of friends and I was 30. I thought they were all younger than me when I met them and the youngest one after me was 32. Maybe it’s the lack of stress we experience. It has to have an effect on you when you are worrying about paying the mortgage, if your spouse is cheating, is your child going to become an axe murderer. Those are issues with weight that cause lines in your face. My stress consists of deciding which country I should move to next, if I buy those shoes will they fit in my suitcase and should I feel guilty for going out 5 nights a week. Then again, maybe this observation is derived from the fact that lately I’ve been going out so much and my vision is blurry so everyone looks younger than they really are…hhhmm….

8.) Simple pleasures in life make you happy. When you travel you get the most intense pleasure from the most mundane things. I developed these strange upscale cravings while living in Madrid. For example, gourmet bread. Don’t know where it came from, but I had it. I was in the kitchen of my flat cutting my bread thinking, damn a toaster would be great right now. I hadn’t had toast in ages. Low and behold, I looked to my left and there was a toaster! It wasn’t magic, my flat mate had bought one and I hadn’t realized it until that moment. Didn’t matter. It wasn’t, “Hey, a toaster. Cool, now I can make toast.” It was, “Yeah booooooooyeeeeeee!!! We got a Muthafuccin toaster in this muthafucca!!!” I started doing my we got a toaster dance all around the place. I was singing while eatin’ the toast. I was happy, no ecstatic all over a toaster. Things I took for granted before stop me in my tracks…full moons, sun rises, little kids laughing, South Park in English and smiles from Spaniards. Damnest thing I tell ya, but it’s true. With that, I’m going to make some toast! Ciao!!

OBSERVATIONS OF WHITE PEOPLE

Anyone who knows me KNEW this observation was coming. Seriously, how could you not have had an inkling it was in the works and on it’s way down the pipeline! As I said before, it is always better for a person NOT from or apart of the culture to observe those people. It gives you a bit of perspective on certain actions and ritual habits of the focus group. Also, for those of you who don’t know, I attended a very small, private, Christian school from Kindergarten through the 8^th grade in the white part of the city. I have YEARS of seeing you all up close and personal. These observations are geared towards white AMERICANS. White Europeans are different I swear. My observations are never meant to offend, only make you laugh, so take them all in stride with a grain of salt white people. Don’t want any of you going postal up in here.

I love white people. No, seriously, on a certain level I do love white people. You all are so damn entertaining! I mean, this world would be a completely different place if it wasn’t for white people. You keep it interesting to say the least. You know what? I wrote down a few observations of the things you do that tickles me pink and makes me shake my head in wonder.

1.) Minorities in the USA are fighting to have equal representation on TV programs in America. They say that our media should reflect the diversity of our society. Fair enough, but there are some shows that I hope remain all white because frankly, they won’t be nearly as funny. And, I bet you a million dollars that black and Asian people won’t be fighting to audition for these shows… When Animals Attack They have this program in America where there are video clips sent in from bystanders, witnesses and even family members of when animals attack people. I love this show!! I would skip classes in university, cancel dates and not answer my phone to watch this show. It was an hour-long program of white people getting the living shit beat out of them by animals. For example, this white woman goes to the zoo and wants a photo of the Polar Bears. I mean, who wouldn’t want a photo of Polar Bears, even black people would want a photo of Polar Bears. There were even black people in the background of this video also, taking photos of Polar Bears…. from a safe distance! One of the Polar Bears ambles over to the fence and this white woman must have thought, “Oh! This will be such a great photo! All my friends will love this!” This crazy heffa climbs over the little fence thing they have, ignores the signs which CLEARLY state do NOT go near the Polar Bears and stands next to the Polar Bear, who is still in his enclosed area mind you, but still! While this woman is waiting for the person to take the photo, that damn Polar Bear all of a sudden, grabbed that woman like he was a Pimp and she was his bitch! He took her around the throat and started shaking the shit out of her. “Where my money bitch?! Don’t play with my money!” Her head was snapping back and forth like a newborn when you don’t support their neck. OR, he could have been saying, “Didn’t you read the sign?! Can’t you read?! It says stay the fuck away from the Polar Bears cause we are dangerous!!” What made this even funnier was in the background, as SOON as the Polar Bear attacked that woman aaaaaaall the black people SCATTED! I mean they ran away like the Polar Bear was going to get tired of shaking that woman around and start looking for black people next. “Well, that was fun. Now let me break out and try it on some negroes.” In my humble opinion, I think it was love. This woman was not small in the least AND she was wearing a white shirt. I think the Polar Bear thought she was trying to step to him and kick game. He did what any male Polar Bear worth his salt would do, tried to pull a 270 lbs woman through a space of 4 inches to get a piece of ass. Then there was the one, and this one makes me laugh just THINKING about it. This GENIUS of a white man decides to build a wooden whistle call thing that mimics the sound of a female deer in heat. In other words, he made a device that made a male deer think he was going to get laid. The fact he even built that is sooo white. You spend hours of your life that you will never get back building a device to make male bucks thing you are a female doe that wants to mate?? Anyway, Him and his wife go out in the woods, wife is videotaping; husband is blowing on that damn evil contraption. After some time, you see some rustling in some trees and this HUGE Buck runs out. I mean this thing had antlers at least 1.5 meters across. This is where the story gets really good! The Buck was shocked at first. I swear I saw shock on that animals face. Can you imagine how you would feel? “What’s that sound? Is that… Yes, I think it is. I’m sure it is! A Doe wants a piece of this Buck meat. Imma get laid, Imma get laid, Imma get laid.” So, you run your ass to the sound, full speed no less and instead of seeing a sexy piece of ass you see a bald, middle-aged white man with a goofy grin on his face. I would have done EXACTLY what that deer did. He took a moment to gather and compose himself, then he stood up on his hind legs and started to beat the living mess out of that white man. That is what made it so funny! He didn’t charge him with his antlers; he stood up like a person and started to whoop his ass! It was like when you were a kid, and your mom would spank you, but in between each word give you a pop on the bottom. “Now” bonk “How” hit “Would” bang “You” pow “Like” blam “If someone did that to you?!” I swear I even heard the Buck say, “Silly white man, don’t you know Trix are for kids?” He was whooping his ass like he was the Trix rabbit and caught him eating a bowl of Trix. Where was wife during all of this you ask? She never stopped filming! She didn’t run away, she didn’t scream for help, she didn’t throw rocks at it, NOTHING! Let’s say for the sake of comparison that the couple was black. I don’t know any black people who would go out into the forest PERIOD let alone to fool male deer, but for this example we will forget all of that. Now, as soon as the trees starting rustling, I PROMISE you the story would have been over. The black man might have got his assed gored by that Buck but we wouldn’t have seen it. Black woman would have been long gone, back in the car on the cell calling Jerome’s mommy to tell her what her crazy ass son did. Now, that same black woman would have gone back out there. Not necessarily to check on her man, but to see if she could salvage any footage to win some money on America’s Funniest Home Videos. What do you say to your wife after that? I mean, it was his fault he did something that stupid, but you would like to imagine your wife has your back. She didn’t even scream Look Out for Pete’s sake! Still though, that was some funny ish. Whew! Hold on a minute, gotta wipe the tears from my eyes… I know I’m not the only one who has seen that clip!! The deer stood up on it’s hide legs and started boxing this man like he was Muhammad Ali. And then the white man did what white people seem to do in situations like that…he fell. That deer stomped his ass like he was in the Rollin’ 20 Crips gang, “Break yo self fool!” The only time I saw a black person on that show was when they had no choice. Black lady worked as a dog catcher for the city. I think it was a setup personally. Why would you have a camera crew on had for a routine impounding of a dog? When it’s a Pit bull I guess. Of course the dog bit the shit out of that poor woman. You know what, he only got a hold of her once cause she ran her ass away. She left the truck behind and just ran. They had this little note up after saying Tameka never went back to work after that. You think?!?! Jackass is really a love/hate thing for me. However, I can appreciate it for its finer points. Seriously, without white people a show like that would never exist. It’s a show where they go around doing things to purposely hurt each other. The stunts they do are injury threatening, if black people tried to do them they would be LIFE threatening. How about that one white boy that always tries to catch the drop on his dad and beat the shit out of him. I was amazed when I first saw that. My first thought was, “Damn that man gotta big stomach.” Then I thought, “Damn! He is getting’ his ass tore up!” Then I found out that was his son doing it! I figured he had molested his son or something and through hypnosis at his Psychiatrist, the son has remembered all those horrible memories he had suppressed. How was I to know it was for fun he was slapping his dad in the face repeatedly? Now, a black son would get away with one beating if he caught the drop on his dad well enough. But he had better make it the beat down of the century cause one chance is all he would get! Black dad would have gone to the closet, got his pistol and hunted his own son down. God rest my father’s soul, but he was not the man to be going around slapping in the face. No, no, nooooooo you did not slap Carl White Sr. in the face. I mean, unless you had a death wish or something. What about the time Steve-O went and had his ass cheeks pierced together. I was horrified and entertained at the same time. It was like eating a good hotdog and reading the ingredients of the hotdog at the same time. All the times they walk around in thongs and jock straps playing ball touch games? Wouldn’t happen at all with Dominicans or Haitians. I love you white people!

2.) This is a serious question. No, stop giggling. In all seriousness white people, what is up with the diggin’ cheese in public. Since I am international, let me explain diggin’ cheese to all you non-Americans out there. It is when your pants, shorts, underwear, etc, etc get stuck in the crack of your ass, and you have to reach in the crack of your ass to get the article of clothing out. It happens to EVERYONE. It just seems white people don’t care where they are at. Now, it does seem that the white people I see doing it are in the parking lot of Wal-Mart or 7-11, but they are still white. It’s just, you don’t try and hide it at all. If it isn’t bad enough that you do it in public, do you HAVE to smell your hand afterwards?? Ok, ok, just the white guys do that but DAMN! Put your back against a wall and do it, there might be children around. Or have a family member walk behind you to screen the unsuspecting public. That’s what black people do.

3.) Another very serious observation here people so straighten up. White people are STRESSED! Really, you all are the most stressed people in the world. I personally think black, Latin, Asian, all of us need to go around America massaging white people and making sure there stress levels are in the normal range. How else can you explain all these white people getting fired from jobs they don’t like in the first place, then going back and shooting their office workers?? Is it really that serious? A Mexican gets fired…actually, Mexicans don’t get fired, they work too hard for such little money no one is firing them. Ok, so a black person gets fired, we don’t ever read about them going back and killing people. Now if they tried to play with a negros last check MAYBE! But I highly doubt they would kill anyone. Point a gun at the Head of Accounting maybe, but shoot them? Naaaaa, couldn’t get the money then. Walking into an office you have worked at every day for 6 years and shooting the person who sat in a cubicle next to you and never did a damn thing to you? Stress. OR, they are lonely. Adopt a white person black people. Yes, I am starting it here on this blog, Black Americans adopt a white person and become their friend. I’m tired of hearing about all these lonely white boys going into schools and killing classrooms of people. Adopt one, become their friend, it’s like a pre-emptive move on your part to save your own life and your loved ones. Hell, what is crazy is that white people might start sending their kids to black schools so they’ll be safe! Now ain’t THAT some shit!!

4.) If I Ruled The World, that is the title of a song by Nas. He said if he ruled the world, he would free all the convicts in Attica, send them to Africa. I’m not a poet like Nas, however, if I ruled the world, I would make it illegal for white people to have dreadlocks. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know a lot of you seem to like them, but they look disgusting on you. Think of this as some fashion advice, or an insight into what black people talk about. We are talking about how it looks like you have an ancient bird’s nest up on your head. Then some of you weave trinkets and charms in them.. WHY?? Who told you that would look good so I can go find them and choke them. Not every race can do the same thing as other races. Don’t get mad at me, take it to God. Axe the locks people, it doesn’t work for you. It’s like a black person putting white paint on themselves, putting on black lipstick and fingernail polish and trying to go Goth. It wouldn’t work. I have to admit, I have had a few crushes on Goth chics. Black women can look beautiful in damn near everything, but dressed up like a female version of Marilyn Manson is asking to get made fun of. If that is true, then walking around looking like a white Bob Marley is Yuck. Believe me, it’s yuck.