I recently
celebrated my 40 birthday in San Sebastian, Spain. I had an amazing time with
some amazing friends in an amazing city. Now, I’ve already touched on what it
felt like turning 40. Three weeks in I can say being 40 is GREAT! While sitting
around with my friends in Spain we somehow started talking about which gifts
would be great for the average 40-year-old to get. As we began this
conversation in a bar at 11pm on my last day of being in my 30’s, you can
imagine the potential gifts became increasingly more and more outlandish and less realistic as the
night progressed. I tried to use the memo app on my phone to remember them
but 4 drinks in I accidentally erased the first draft and drunkenly tried to remember the ones we’d already discussed. These are the 10 I could decipher the next day.
Just to add, there was a woman present during this list making process incase
readers assume it was a bunch of middle-aged men going through a midlife crisis
who made the list.
1. A Plane Ticket
Maybe this
gift excites me so much because I’m a traveler. A plane ticket to ANYWHERE in
the world you want to go? I’d pee my pants from excitement if I got this present! And then I’d spend the next week locked in my apartment researching where to
go. Yes, this would be a lovely present for anyone who isn't terrified of flying...
2. Concert/Sporting Tickets
Actually, this
gift is not age dependent when I think about it now. A ticket to any sporting
event or concert of your choosing. When I was 20 I would have appreciated this
gift just as much as I would now. Nonetheless, still would be a badass present
to receive. What would make this present badass if you could attend ANY sporting
event or concert, EVER! Can you imagine seeing Jimi Hendrix in 1967 at Monterey
Pop Festival!? Hell, why not just go to Woodstock! Or how about when an unknown
Biggie Smalls (his name then) is called up on stage to freestyle with Tupac at
a NYC concert!? Don’t even get me started on Michael Jackson! Speaking of
Michael, watching Michael Jordan during his prime. The Miracle on Ice Hockey
Game would have to be considered as well. So many sweet sweet options to choose
from!
3. Dinner with Friends
Unless you
live in a village of 200 people high in the Himalayas all of your friends
probably don’t live in the same place. Imagine a dinner with all of your best
friends and/or family in one place. That alone would be awesome. But to make it
super awesome, the chef of your choice would do the cooking! Come on now! I
know even the Republicans and bible thumpers like this one! When you’re 20 you
eat what you can afford. At 40 your palate matures and you prefer quality and
you can afford to spoil yourself a bit more. People you love all in one room
eating delicious food? Shiiiiiiiiid! Sign me up right NOW!
4. A Bullshit Detector
At 40 we are
too damn old to be wasting our time, on anything. Twenty years ago it was fun
playing in the swirling chaos of uncertainty. It gave us conversation topics
for our friends. But now? No thank you. Imagine a gift that would tell you
immediately if someone was bullshitting you. Now, this is different from a lie
detector. Someone can be telling the truth but still bullshitting you. Or conversely,
they can be bullshitting themselves and as a result you get shit on you as a
result. “I’m ready to have kids and settle down.” BEEP BEEP BEEP! *Pleasant Siri
type voice. “He’s ready to settle down and have kids with his ex he’s still in
love with. In no way will it be you.” Imagine men if a woman says, “I believe
women expect too much nowadays and don’t take care of their man enough.” BEEP
BEEP BEEP!! “She believes this but her idea of taking care of you is spending
your money buying clothes so she looks good when you come home from working all
day while she’s out shopping.” Yes, this would be at the top of every person
turning 40. Younger people might buy it, but I have a feeling many would take
it back because let’s face it, when you are under the age of 30 you kinda revel
in drama. At 40+ ain't no body got time for that!
5. A Book
This isn’t
just ANY book. This book has all of your mistakes from your 30’s. Every.
Single. One. All of your boneheaded decisions just laid out in written form
that you committed from the age of 30 to 39. Now, it may not seem like a great
gift now, but the kicker would be the ANSWERS to your mistakes would be in the
book as well. Oooooooh SNAP! That’s some deep ish right there huh? I know
people reading this thinking, “Where can I buy this book!?” A personal manual
on how you should’ve handled mistakes from your 30’s. Yes, every action we make
takes us to a place with the potential to learn and grow. I’m just saying
though, explanation to WHY we did what we did and answers to those open-ended
questions that resulted from our mistakes. My book with be so damn thick it
would take me a week to read. It also would be so dog-eared with the margins all
marked and written up too. Oh how I would love this present. Wait.. I have journals. It's more or less the same thing, only without the answers. Hmm...
6. Threesome
Pretty much
speaks for itself. All I’m saying is, who wouldn’t want two people catering to all
of your carnal desires for an evening?? I know there are people who will SAY
they don’t. “I only need my husband/wife.” or some other crazy ish like that. I’m
guessing if you don’t like this gift you’re a Republican and would prefer
cocaine. Hey, I wouldn’t have turned down for my birthday!
7. Five Minute Conversation
Only 5 minutes
is allowed. I guess because the long distance charges are too high. No idea why
we decided on 5 minutes but by number 5 on this list I’m sure we were pretty
lit and it made sense then. The conversation can only
be had with yourself, at any age of your choosing. Whoa. So would you want
to talk to your 14-year-old self who is always getting picked on in high school
and has low self esteem and you tell yourself it will get better? Or would you
speak with your 60-year-old self to calm your fears about the future? Oh so
many options! And you only have 5 minutes! Do you only ask yes or no questions?
Do you even ask questions?? Which age do you choose? This present has the
potential to be abused. I could see people using the 5 minutes to tell their
younger selves the winning lottery numbers. Then again....
8. A Mulligan
I’m not a
golfer, at all. The one time I did go golfing I was 22 and Tiger Woods had just
one The Masters. Everyone on that damn golf course was looking at me expecting
the second coming of Moses. The real one and not the fake white Christian Bale one! What they got was a first timer who had a swing
like a 90-year-old with a bad hip. I was beyond terrible and thoroughly
embarrassed. Other than learning I had no future in golf I learned the term
mulligan. It’s seared in my brain because I used 1,396 on that day. It is a
second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong
through bad luck or a blunder. *Sigh. An opportunity to go back to tell someone
you care about that you love them, or to swallow your pride and apologize.
Maybe even just to go back, call in sick to work or skip classes and lay in bed
with them all day cuddling and talking about nothing in particular. Or to use that condom you brought with you but were too lazy to get up and get out of your wallet! Yeah, at 40
having a mulligan would be extremely…nice.
9. Another Threesome
I mean, if you’ve
waited until your 40 to have one you might as well have two to make sure you
remember the first. Also, the first time I tried wine I hated it. HATED it.
Figured it wasn’t my thing. It took awhile, and some patient Italians to show
me the light. Maybe threesomes are the same way!?!? Maybe you won’t like the
first so you need to have one multiple times to make sure it suits you. I don’t
know, but the first chance I get to test this theory I’ll let you know. And I
hope I can let you know soon. I’m not getting any younger and the only
threesome a 65-year-old has not named Hugh Hefner is with his physical
therapist, doctor and health insurance agent.
10. Eat Whatever You Want
It might be
obvious which sex REALLY wanted this on the list in the group. Let me expand this one. The exact wording was, “Be able to eat whatever you absoFUCKinglutely
want for a year without gaining weight.” Any weight they stressed. Not even a
damn gram more than you weigh when the year starts. We’re talking double
chocolate fudge dipped in salted caramel cake with a side of Oreo cookie and
mint chocolate chip ice cream on the side for breakfast, lunch and dinner and you never
need to step on a scale because you know you’re not gaining a single pound for
365 days. I think my best friend almost caught the holy spirit just talking
about this present! YES jee-SUS! I can see the value of this present. I can
also see a lot of jealous friends too for that year if you’re a woman. How fun
would it be if you went out with your girls and all of them are eating salad to
make up for the Christmas holidays and you’re eating French fries with milk
chocolate sauce. No, no, no. I see a lot of envy occurring with this gift. Men
would get the guy to enter eating contests every single day of the year to see
how much he could fit in his stomach before he spewed it all back up. We’re
childish like that no matter the age.
 |
| Fabulous 40th in San Sebastian, Spain |
There you have
it, 10 perfect gift ideas for someone turning 40. Are any of these gifts
possible? Eh. Depends on your salary, connections and imagination I guess. I
can say it was FUN talking about the list. And it made me realize why I’m
friends with the people who came with me to Spain for my birthday. We are all
perverted intellectuals who can sometimes act like little kids. I love them for
that. Looking forward to the next person who turns 40 in our group!
