10 GREAT IDEAS FOR A 40th BIRTHDAY GIFT

I recently celebrated my 40 birthday in San Sebastian, Spain. I had an amazing time with some amazing friends in an amazing city. Now, I’ve already touched on what it felt like turning 40. Three weeks in I can say being 40 is GREAT! While sitting around with my friends in Spain we somehow started talking about which gifts would be great for the average 40-year-old to get. As we began this conversation in a bar at 11pm on my last day of being in my 30’s, you can imagine the potential gifts became increasingly more and more outlandish and less realistic as the night progressed. I tried to use the memo app on my phone to remember them but 4 drinks in I accidentally erased the first draft and drunkenly tried to remember the ones we’d already discussed. These are the 10 I could decipher the next day. Just to add, there was a woman present during this list making process incase readers assume it was a bunch of middle-aged men going through a midlife crisis who made the list.

1. A Plane Ticket

Maybe this gift excites me so much because I’m a traveler. A plane ticket to ANYWHERE in the world you want to go? I’d pee my pants from excitement if I got this present! And then I’d spend the next week locked in my apartment researching where to go. Yes, this would be a lovely present for anyone who isn't terrified of flying...

2. Concert/Sporting Tickets

Actually, this gift is not age dependent when I think about it now. A ticket to any sporting event or concert of your choosing. When I was 20 I would have appreciated this gift just as much as I would now. Nonetheless, still would be a badass present to receive. What would make this present badass if you could attend ANY sporting event or concert, EVER! Can you imagine seeing Jimi Hendrix in 1967 at Monterey Pop Festival!? Hell, why not just go to Woodstock! Or how about when an unknown Biggie Smalls (his name then) is called up on stage to freestyle with Tupac at a NYC concert!? Don’t even get me started on Michael Jackson! Speaking of Michael, watching Michael Jordan during his prime. The Miracle on Ice Hockey Game would have to be considered as well. So many sweet sweet options to choose from!

3. Dinner with Friends

Unless you live in a village of 200 people high in the Himalayas all of your friends probably don’t live in the same place. Imagine a dinner with all of your best friends and/or family in one place. That alone would be awesome. But to make it super awesome, the chef of your choice would do the cooking! Come on now! I know even the Republicans and bible thumpers like this one! When you’re 20 you eat what you can afford. At 40 your palate matures and you prefer quality and you can afford to spoil yourself a bit more. People you love all in one room eating delicious food? Shiiiiiiiiid! Sign me up right NOW!   

4. A Bullshit Detector

At 40 we are too damn old to be wasting our time, on anything. Twenty years ago it was fun playing in the swirling chaos of uncertainty. It gave us conversation topics for our friends. But now? No thank you. Imagine a gift that would tell you immediately if someone was bullshitting you. Now, this is different from a lie detector. Someone can be telling the truth but still bullshitting you. Or conversely, they can be bullshitting themselves and as a result you get shit on you as a result. “I’m ready to have kids and settle down.” BEEP BEEP BEEP! *Pleasant Siri type voice. “He’s ready to settle down and have kids with his ex he’s still in love with. In no way will it be you.” Imagine men if a woman says, “I believe women expect too much nowadays and don’t take care of their man enough.” BEEP BEEP BEEP!! “She believes this but her idea of taking care of you is spending your money buying clothes so she looks good when you come home from working all day while she’s out shopping.” Yes, this would be at the top of every person turning 40. Younger people might buy it, but I have a feeling many would take it back because let’s face it, when you are under the age of 30 you kinda revel in drama. At 40+ ain't no body got time for that! 

5. A Book

This isn’t just ANY book. This book has all of your mistakes from your 30’s. Every. Single. One. All of your boneheaded decisions just laid out in written form that you committed from the age of 30 to 39. Now, it may not seem like a great gift now, but the kicker would be the ANSWERS to your mistakes would be in the book as well. Oooooooh SNAP! That’s some deep ish right there huh? I know people reading this thinking, “Where can I buy this book!?” A personal manual on how you should’ve handled mistakes from your 30’s. Yes, every action we make takes us to a place with the potential to learn and grow. I’m just saying though, explanation to WHY we did what we did and answers to those open-ended questions that resulted from our mistakes. My book with be so damn thick it would take me a week to read. It also would be so dog-eared with the margins all marked and written up too. Oh how I would love this present. Wait.. I have journals. It's more or less the same thing, only without the answers. Hmm... 

6. Threesome

Pretty much speaks for itself. All I’m saying is, who wouldn’t want two people catering to all of your carnal desires for an evening?? I know there are people who will SAY they don’t. “I only need my husband/wife.” or some other crazy ish like that. I’m guessing if you don’t like this gift you’re a Republican and would prefer cocaine. Hey, I wouldn’t have turned down for my birthday!

7. Five Minute Conversation

Only 5 minutes is allowed. I guess because the long distance charges are too high. No idea why we decided on 5 minutes but by number 5 on this list I’m sure we were pretty lit and it made sense then. The conversation can only be had with yourself, at any age of your choosing. Whoa. So would you want to talk to your 14-year-old self who is always getting picked on in high school and has low self esteem and you tell yourself it will get better? Or would you speak with your 60-year-old self to calm your fears about the future? Oh so many options! And you only have 5 minutes! Do you only ask yes or no questions? Do you even ask questions?? Which age do you choose? This present has the potential to be abused. I could see people using the 5 minutes to tell their younger selves the winning lottery numbers. Then again.... 

8. A Mulligan

I’m not a golfer, at all. The one time I did go golfing I was 22 and Tiger Woods had just one The Masters. Everyone on that damn golf course was looking at me expecting the second coming of Moses. The real one and not the fake white Christian Bale one! What they got was a first timer who had a swing like a 90-year-old with a bad hip. I was beyond terrible and thoroughly embarrassed. Other than learning I had no future in golf I learned the term mulligan. It’s seared in my brain because I used 1,396 on that day. It is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. *Sigh. An opportunity to go back to tell someone you care about that you love them, or to swallow your pride and apologize. Maybe even just to go back, call in sick to work or skip classes and lay in bed with them all day cuddling and talking about nothing in particular. Or to use that condom you brought with you but were too lazy to get up and get out of your wallet! Yeah, at 40 having a mulligan would be extremely…nice. 

9. Another Threesome

I mean, if you’ve waited until your 40 to have one you might as well have two to make sure you remember the first. Also, the first time I tried wine I hated it. HATED it. Figured it wasn’t my thing. It took awhile, and some patient Italians to show me the light. Maybe threesomes are the same way!?!? Maybe you won’t like the first so you need to have one multiple times to make sure it suits you. I don’t know, but the first chance I get to test this theory I’ll let you know. And I hope I can let you know soon. I’m not getting any younger and the only threesome a 65-year-old has not named Hugh Hefner is with his physical therapist, doctor and health insurance agent.

10. Eat Whatever You Want

It might be obvious which sex REALLY wanted this on the list in the group. Let me expand this one. The exact wording was, “Be able to eat whatever you absoFUCKinglutely want for a year without gaining weight.” Any weight they stressed. Not even a damn gram more than you weigh when the year starts. We’re talking double chocolate fudge dipped in salted caramel cake with a side of Oreo cookie and mint chocolate chip ice cream on the side for breakfast, lunch and dinner and you never need to step on a scale because you know you’re not gaining a single pound for 365 days. I think my best friend almost caught the holy spirit just talking about this present! YES jee-SUS! I can see the value of this present. I can also see a lot of jealous friends too for that year if you’re a woman. How fun would it be if you went out with your girls and all of them are eating salad to make up for the Christmas holidays and you’re eating French fries with milk chocolate sauce. No, no, no. I see a lot of envy occurring with this gift. Men would get the guy to enter eating contests every single day of the year to see how much he could fit in his stomach before he spewed it all back up. We’re childish like that no matter the age.

Fabulous 40th in San Sebastian, Spain
 

There you have it, 10 perfect gift ideas for someone turning 40. Are any of these gifts possible? Eh. Depends on your salary, connections and imagination I guess. I can say it was FUN talking about the list. And it made me realize why I’m friends with the people who came with me to Spain for my birthday. We are all perverted intellectuals who can sometimes act like little kids. I love them for that. Looking forward to the next person who turns 40 in our group!

ADVICE TO WOMEN

ADVICE TO WOMEN

Ok, advice? Like I’m some expert to be giving anyone advice on anything? I’m not. However, it’s my two cents worth and at the least you’ll get a good laugh out of this “advice”.

1.) Throw the scale away!! Scales are evil and should be banished from bathrooms. All scales make you do women is feel bad about yourselves and waste money on fad diets that don’t work. Matter of fact, has anyone seen that movie Office Space with Jennifer Aniston? It’s an old movie but a classic. You remember that scene where the people went out to the middle of nowhere and beat the crap out of that computer?? THAT’S what women should be doing with scales. Get a group of your friends, round up all the scales you can find, take them out to the middle of nowhere and take turns puttin’ a beat down on those things. Other then men, those little machines cause you more guilt and insecurity then anything on this planet, yet you keep it in your house! Their evil and secretly laugh at you when you step on them no matter how much you weigh. Doesn’t even matter how much you weigh anywayz, it’s more about how you feel and look in your clothes…well, and out of your clothes. That’s my advice, stop weighing yourselves and throw those damn contraptions away.

2.) Second piece of advice is similar to the first. Please stop looking at magazine ads of D&G, Prada, and Armani. Those women are not real! Anyone, and believe me, anyone can look like that with a team of professional experts having hours to make them look attractive AND a nerd at a super computer and the latest hyper version of Photoshop. It’s make believe! You know most movies are fake and full of special effects so why don’t you believe the same about those women in the pages of Vogue? Believe me, as stupid as men can be we don’t go around feeling bad cause our stomachs are bigger than Brad Pitt’s. It is a conspiracy to make you feel bad and spend hella money on whatever product said bean poles are promoting. Just put the magazines down and read a book. Better yet, start your OWN magazine and force advertisers to put every day average size women in their ads.

3.) This next piece of advice is for all the non-black women out there. Black women already know this and believe me, they ain’t really stressing over it. If you are truly concerned about the size of your ass… I mean if it causes you stress so much that you are always trying to hide how big your butt is…Date a black man. I swear, you will come to APPRECIATE it. Black men Luuuuuuuuuuv da booty. They will make you see it’s a blessing to have some junk in the trunk. It’s a gift from God bestowed on those he deems worthy!! I’m not saying marry a black man, or even have a black boyfriend. Just date him, that’s all. Promise that you will change your way of thinking. Side note, Latinos are a more than able substitute if no black men are available.

4.) Ok, the first few pieces of advice were trivial. Now we are going to get to the nitty gritty! This next one women, I really don’t understand why you do it, and it needs to stop like yesterday. Do NOT fake orgasms. Women who fake orgasms need to be given a citation and a warning the first time you do it and suspend your sex license if you do it again. It’s wrong on so many levels. If you fake it, then that means he is doing it wrong and you are making that fool think he’s doing it right so he’s not going to change! If you really want to set a man straight, if he’s not doing it right and you are bored…then look bored! Start yawning and looking at your nails and start humming old Tina Turner hits, it may take him awhile, but eventually he’ll catch on that something is wrong. Be nice about it and tell him he’s not getting it quite right and hopefully he’s willing to learn. It’s one thing if you go to a person’s house and their 90 year old great-grandmother cooks a meal that is disgusting. In that instance, you fake it. When your child brings home a painting and says it’s a drawing of the family but looks like 4 abdominal snowmen in various stages of an epileptic fit, THEN you fake it. You don’t fake it when it comes to sex! Maybe that’s why so many of you are walking around so unhappy and stressed! Just be honest women. You will force men to improve…well or at least try to improve.

5.) Ok, I know women have heard this a million times, but somewhere along the line it’s not sinking in to your memory banks cause you are making the same mistakes over and over again. Let me think of a way to say this so you understand clearly…..You can’t change him. Hold on, maybe that wasn’t clear enough..YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. One more time JUST in case for the less bright out there, YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIS ASS SO STOP TRYING. It doesn’t matter how much you are willing to do for him, it doesn’t matter how great you two are together and it definitely doesn’t matter how much you love him. You cannot change a man. If he’s a player and is always out with a lot of other women, you are not going to be able to make him be with you only. If he’s an asshole and refuses to communicate with you, sorry, but you aren’t going to be able to get him to be more open. Wait, ok. Maybe I’m being harsh. You want to know how you can change a man? I’m lying! There is no way cause you can’t change him! Now, I haven’t said a man CAN’T change. There is a difference. I’m just saying YOU can’t change him. If you hear about a man you dated in the past who was a cheater settles down and is a great family man, it wasn’t his wife that changed him. He changed himself. When a man decides to do things differently, he will do them. Until then you are just spinning your wheels in place ladies. He’s not going to change for you..EVER. Life is too short, let him go and find a man who has figured things out and is the man you feel you deserve.

6.) Believe in your intuition cause more than likely you are right. Not too many times have I ever heard a woman say she had NO idea her man was cheating. Women know 92.6751% of the time when your man is cheating. It’s a feeling you have in the pit of your stomach but you suppress it cause you don’t WANT it to be true. Since the dawn of mammals women had to gather food, make a home and care for the children. God gave you that ability to sense danger to get a jump on getting to safety. That ability is still in you. Stop denying the force! If you meet him and you get a feeling he is crazy??? Run!! More than likely that negro is crazy and that’s an early warning system you are feeling. Heed those feelings women! But the trick these days is to make sure it’s your gut and not your insecurities you are following…

7.) Right, so your man is always dropping hints that he wants to have a 3-some. Worse yet, he’s downright nagging you about it at every turn. You want to get him off your back? Here is the advice for you. Tell him, SURE, of course we can have that 3-some you’ve always wanted. Tell him you will even do all the work of finding the second female for this said 3-some. Even go so far as to set a date and put it in red permanent marker on a calendar. Oh, no. I’m not crazy. There is method to my madness. Just keep reading. Now, after your husband or boyfriend stops doing cartwheels around the house and doing the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the back yard…take his hands, look him deep in his eyes and say, there is just one small little condition you have before your 3-some takes place. That condition??? He has to allow you to have YOUR 3-some first. Oh yes, quid pro quo baby. Tell that MF that in your 3-some, he has to do EVERYTHING to the other man that he wants you to do with the other woman. Cause when a man wants a 3-some, it always involves bi sex. Always, always, always. It’s just what I..eer, I mean men like. Now, your man will most likely get upset, protest and generally throw a hissy fit. Don’t say ANYTHING. Just get your lil MP3 player or any device that records his voice. All the reasons he will give for why you two DON’T need to have a male 3-some…just play those back when you say then you don’t need a female 3-some. Matter of fact, you can use this for anal sex also. If’ he’s pestering you to try it, tell him, ‘Yes baby, we are going to try it for you!” Then get out the strap-on and anal lube and tell him to bend over cause he’s first. Now, if you use this tactic and your man does the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the front lawn again or bends over and applies the anal lube himself…then you’re on your own! As I said at the beginning, I’m no expert and I have no way of knowing if your husband is a freak!

8.) This last piece of advice I almost didn’t add. I truly had to think long and hard about including this information. It’s a little raw and I may offend some people, however, I know men will be thanking me for saying it later and it will so save some women a bit of shame later on. And don’t worry ladies! I’m going to get on the men later on as well so I’m not just picking on you. Ok..whew..Here we go. My advice ladies is, don’t ever, ever, EVER, EVER brag about your oral skillz if you have never done it to completion. I promise you, bet you bottom dollar that your man isn’t talking about how good you give head if you don’t do it to completion. It sounds so wrong, but I have heard too many female friends bragging about skillz they don’t have. I know cause their boyfriends are talking about them behind their back and prayin they learn how to do it properly. Again, I apologize for the X-rated content of this piece of advice but it had to be said! It’s ok for women to talk about how bad and clueless men are in bed and it’s not ok for men to do the same? I think NOT! All I’m saying is, you don’t have any ex-boyfriends talking about your oral skillz if you never made them…well, you know. Just a fact of life. Oh, one last caveman-ish, Neanderthal thing to say… Women, men have created a Hall of Fame with bronzed busts of you in a secret location for those of you who swallow. Oooh I know it’s gross, but you women are a special breed and we worship you!! Enough said on that.