TRAINING FOR MY FIRST 5K

As a teenager I was fast. I mean turn off my bedroom light and in my bed before it was dark fast. Ok, I’m exaggerating, a bit. I did have world class speed though; AAU Junior Olympic medalist speed. Now, you would think one blessed with all of this natural ability for running would enjoy it as a past time or look at it as a comfort. Well if you thought that you’d be wrong. I hate running. Matter of fact there are certain times I detest it. Personally, I see it as a pointless activity that major shoe companies concocted as a means to sell overly expensive excessively specialized shoes. Absolute waste of time. With that, these are my observations on me training for and running my first 5K race.

Now, why did I run a 5K race if I am so strongly anti-running? I was tricked! A client of mine, law firm, casually asked what my late afternoon plans were for the third week of June on Friday. I often schedule appointments with clients casually so this wasn’t out of the ordinary. I was honest and said nothing. Next thing I know I’m signed up for a corporate 5x5K race. Bastards! Never trust a lawyer! Some of you might be inclined to say a 5K race isn’t long at all and I’m being a big baby. Well f#ck you. Matter of fact, f#ck you and yo momma. Her momma too AND ya uncle and aunties. I told you how much I hate running dammit!

At the time of the announcement of my inclusion on this team I had exactly 3 weeks to train. In addition to my world class speed I also have super human procrastination powers. The first time I motivated myself enough to train was 2 weeks before the race. For a normal 5k this would’ve been enough to prevent embarrassment at coming in last. Unfortunately, the employees of the law firm told me the Senior Partner who “asked” me to run is extremely competitive and doesn’t believe in any ‘just finishing is victory enough’ bullsh%t. To add to that, the other Senior Partner is in a running club and consistently clocks in at sub 22 minutes for his 5k. This guy is easily pushing 50 also. I felt like I had to step up my game!  My first training consisted of the treadmill. I hate running so I don’t need much of an excuse not to run, but constant rain and chilly temperatures made it clear the treadmill was as good as it was going to get that week. I made it through about 2 kilometers then literally said “This 5k can suck a dick”, then I went and lifted weights. If I passed out during the middle of the race I could at least look good when the EMTs wheeled my black behind to the Ambulance. With that thought I went shopping after and bought some new running gear, some nice running shoes and running shorts. The shorts were the perfect length to show off my nicely muscled thighs that are absolutely useless for running a 5K. 

Me during that first practice 5K

Running is so boring to me! People tell me how running is like yoga. Their brain turns off and they got lost in the mindlessness of the act. Well those people are brain damaged. Irreversibly brain damaged. My thoughts become laser focused. “Negro WTF are you DOING!?! There is no police chasing us so for the love of God STOP!” After a couple more attempts on the treadmill I figured it wasn’t the best place to always train and I needed to run outside to get a feel for the terrain. The first time I decided to run outside the weather was decent, not too hot or cold. I had €20 tucked inside my sock in case I needed to catch a taxi to get back home. I had my iPod full of old school tunes. I was set! I got about 5 minutes into my run and my legs and lungs started fighting like a bunch of 5 year olds. “That’s my oxygen! Give it back! I had it first! He took my oxygen!!” I knew I was in trouble if 5 minutes in I was having difficulty. I mean, if I live to be 100 I can finish a 5K. The problem was there were 4 other people depending on me to not only finish but get a decent time. The fact they believed their jobs depended on me having a good time was motivation enough. I learned something else during those first 5 minutes also. My ear canals are deformed. I mean, why else would my expensive running earphones keep falling out of my ears after every three steps. Almost 40 years old and I’ve lived my entire life with deformed ear canals. No way are my earphones pieces of crap that I wasted my hard-earned money on. Needless to say I didn’t run a full 5K that day.

So, the Monday before the race I decided to run a full 5K no matter how long it took me. If my memory serves me correct I finished on Wednesday afternoon. At least that’s what my legs felt like. I was DONE after that practice 5K. I live in a 5 story walk up which is more like a 6 story walk up because in Germany the ground floor isn’t counted as the first floor. I am not religious in the least but I almost found Jesus walking up those stairs. Or I was hoping he would find me and help carry me the rest of the way up. I might have offered up my first unborn child for bottle of cold water and a push too. I lift weights, regularly. But the pain I felt after that 5K was a whole nother other as we say where I’m from. I wasn’t even running fast! For the first time in like 17 years I took a bath. I had to cause standing up to take a shower was not an option.  I was not looking forward to that race. The next observations are on the actual race itself. To be continued...

ADVICE TO WOMEN

ADVICE TO WOMEN

Ok, advice? Like I’m some expert to be giving anyone advice on anything? I’m not. However, it’s my two cents worth and at the least you’ll get a good laugh out of this “advice”.

1.) Throw the scale away!! Scales are evil and should be banished from bathrooms. All scales make you do women is feel bad about yourselves and waste money on fad diets that don’t work. Matter of fact, has anyone seen that movie Office Space with Jennifer Aniston? It’s an old movie but a classic. You remember that scene where the people went out to the middle of nowhere and beat the crap out of that computer?? THAT’S what women should be doing with scales. Get a group of your friends, round up all the scales you can find, take them out to the middle of nowhere and take turns puttin’ a beat down on those things. Other then men, those little machines cause you more guilt and insecurity then anything on this planet, yet you keep it in your house! Their evil and secretly laugh at you when you step on them no matter how much you weigh. Doesn’t even matter how much you weigh anywayz, it’s more about how you feel and look in your clothes…well, and out of your clothes. That’s my advice, stop weighing yourselves and throw those damn contraptions away.

2.) Second piece of advice is similar to the first. Please stop looking at magazine ads of D&G, Prada, and Armani. Those women are not real! Anyone, and believe me, anyone can look like that with a team of professional experts having hours to make them look attractive AND a nerd at a super computer and the latest hyper version of Photoshop. It’s make believe! You know most movies are fake and full of special effects so why don’t you believe the same about those women in the pages of Vogue? Believe me, as stupid as men can be we don’t go around feeling bad cause our stomachs are bigger than Brad Pitt’s. It is a conspiracy to make you feel bad and spend hella money on whatever product said bean poles are promoting. Just put the magazines down and read a book. Better yet, start your OWN magazine and force advertisers to put every day average size women in their ads.

3.) This next piece of advice is for all the non-black women out there. Black women already know this and believe me, they ain’t really stressing over it. If you are truly concerned about the size of your ass… I mean if it causes you stress so much that you are always trying to hide how big your butt is…Date a black man. I swear, you will come to APPRECIATE it. Black men Luuuuuuuuuuv da booty. They will make you see it’s a blessing to have some junk in the trunk. It’s a gift from God bestowed on those he deems worthy!! I’m not saying marry a black man, or even have a black boyfriend. Just date him, that’s all. Promise that you will change your way of thinking. Side note, Latinos are a more than able substitute if no black men are available.

4.) Ok, the first few pieces of advice were trivial. Now we are going to get to the nitty gritty! This next one women, I really don’t understand why you do it, and it needs to stop like yesterday. Do NOT fake orgasms. Women who fake orgasms need to be given a citation and a warning the first time you do it and suspend your sex license if you do it again. It’s wrong on so many levels. If you fake it, then that means he is doing it wrong and you are making that fool think he’s doing it right so he’s not going to change! If you really want to set a man straight, if he’s not doing it right and you are bored…then look bored! Start yawning and looking at your nails and start humming old Tina Turner hits, it may take him awhile, but eventually he’ll catch on that something is wrong. Be nice about it and tell him he’s not getting it quite right and hopefully he’s willing to learn. It’s one thing if you go to a person’s house and their 90 year old great-grandmother cooks a meal that is disgusting. In that instance, you fake it. When your child brings home a painting and says it’s a drawing of the family but looks like 4 abdominal snowmen in various stages of an epileptic fit, THEN you fake it. You don’t fake it when it comes to sex! Maybe that’s why so many of you are walking around so unhappy and stressed! Just be honest women. You will force men to improve…well or at least try to improve.

5.) Ok, I know women have heard this a million times, but somewhere along the line it’s not sinking in to your memory banks cause you are making the same mistakes over and over again. Let me think of a way to say this so you understand clearly…..You can’t change him. Hold on, maybe that wasn’t clear enough..YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. One more time JUST in case for the less bright out there, YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIS ASS SO STOP TRYING. It doesn’t matter how much you are willing to do for him, it doesn’t matter how great you two are together and it definitely doesn’t matter how much you love him. You cannot change a man. If he’s a player and is always out with a lot of other women, you are not going to be able to make him be with you only. If he’s an asshole and refuses to communicate with you, sorry, but you aren’t going to be able to get him to be more open. Wait, ok. Maybe I’m being harsh. You want to know how you can change a man? I’m lying! There is no way cause you can’t change him! Now, I haven’t said a man CAN’T change. There is a difference. I’m just saying YOU can’t change him. If you hear about a man you dated in the past who was a cheater settles down and is a great family man, it wasn’t his wife that changed him. He changed himself. When a man decides to do things differently, he will do them. Until then you are just spinning your wheels in place ladies. He’s not going to change for you..EVER. Life is too short, let him go and find a man who has figured things out and is the man you feel you deserve.

6.) Believe in your intuition cause more than likely you are right. Not too many times have I ever heard a woman say she had NO idea her man was cheating. Women know 92.6751% of the time when your man is cheating. It’s a feeling you have in the pit of your stomach but you suppress it cause you don’t WANT it to be true. Since the dawn of mammals women had to gather food, make a home and care for the children. God gave you that ability to sense danger to get a jump on getting to safety. That ability is still in you. Stop denying the force! If you meet him and you get a feeling he is crazy??? Run!! More than likely that negro is crazy and that’s an early warning system you are feeling. Heed those feelings women! But the trick these days is to make sure it’s your gut and not your insecurities you are following…

7.) Right, so your man is always dropping hints that he wants to have a 3-some. Worse yet, he’s downright nagging you about it at every turn. You want to get him off your back? Here is the advice for you. Tell him, SURE, of course we can have that 3-some you’ve always wanted. Tell him you will even do all the work of finding the second female for this said 3-some. Even go so far as to set a date and put it in red permanent marker on a calendar. Oh, no. I’m not crazy. There is method to my madness. Just keep reading. Now, after your husband or boyfriend stops doing cartwheels around the house and doing the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the back yard…take his hands, look him deep in his eyes and say, there is just one small little condition you have before your 3-some takes place. That condition??? He has to allow you to have YOUR 3-some first. Oh yes, quid pro quo baby. Tell that MF that in your 3-some, he has to do EVERYTHING to the other man that he wants you to do with the other woman. Cause when a man wants a 3-some, it always involves bi sex. Always, always, always. It’s just what I..eer, I mean men like. Now, your man will most likely get upset, protest and generally throw a hissy fit. Don’t say ANYTHING. Just get your lil MP3 player or any device that records his voice. All the reasons he will give for why you two DON’T need to have a male 3-some…just play those back when you say then you don’t need a female 3-some. Matter of fact, you can use this for anal sex also. If’ he’s pestering you to try it, tell him, ‘Yes baby, we are going to try it for you!” Then get out the strap-on and anal lube and tell him to bend over cause he’s first. Now, if you use this tactic and your man does the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the front lawn again or bends over and applies the anal lube himself…then you’re on your own! As I said at the beginning, I’m no expert and I have no way of knowing if your husband is a freak!

8.) This last piece of advice I almost didn’t add. I truly had to think long and hard about including this information. It’s a little raw and I may offend some people, however, I know men will be thanking me for saying it later and it will so save some women a bit of shame later on. And don’t worry ladies! I’m going to get on the men later on as well so I’m not just picking on you. Ok..whew..Here we go. My advice ladies is, don’t ever, ever, EVER, EVER brag about your oral skillz if you have never done it to completion. I promise you, bet you bottom dollar that your man isn’t talking about how good you give head if you don’t do it to completion. It sounds so wrong, but I have heard too many female friends bragging about skillz they don’t have. I know cause their boyfriends are talking about them behind their back and prayin they learn how to do it properly. Again, I apologize for the X-rated content of this piece of advice but it had to be said! It’s ok for women to talk about how bad and clueless men are in bed and it’s not ok for men to do the same? I think NOT! All I’m saying is, you don’t have any ex-boyfriends talking about your oral skillz if you never made them…well, you know. Just a fact of life. Oh, one last caveman-ish, Neanderthal thing to say… Women, men have created a Hall of Fame with bronzed busts of you in a secret location for those of you who swallow. Oooh I know it’s gross, but you women are a special breed and we worship you!! Enough said on that.

Do you see what I see??

I admire courage. I look upon people that are able to speak their minds without the safety net of anonymity and go after what they want with the green eyes of envy. Without people like that, we might never have gone to space, mapped the earth or ever drank milk. Yes, you read right, drank milk. Think back to thousands of years ago. Would you have shown enough courage to go up to a wild animal, put your mouth to a teat and suck not knowing what would squirt into your mouth? I wouldn’t do that to most women’s breast let alone a beast of nature. However, I am going to have to go with the Chinese and believe in balance, Ying and Yang. If you are fugly, please do not go up to attractive people when they are sober, hence of sound facilities and be surprised if they laugh in your face or screw their faces up in horror when you ask them out on a date. There are too many ugly people forgetting they are ugly and wasting attractive people’s time. Time is priceless people! We cannot get it back no matter what and I can assure you that I for one do not want to be on my deathbed thinking of all the minutes I lost telling busted heffas to piss off. Is there an epidemic going around CNN isn’t reporting? I have some possible theories for this dilemma we are currently in the grip of..

1.) Some bastard is going around selling enchanted mirrors where people see how they WANT to look and not how they ACTUALLY look.

2.) Something in the water

3.) The alter personas they have created online who are popular, have fashion sense and good skin have leaked into their waking consciousness so they truly believe they are those people.

4.) All the fugly people have started a pool, entry is say $50, and the first bastard to bag a beautiful person wins the pool.

Please, give your theories as well.

The most interesting and disturbing aspect of this wave is the reaction of said mosh face wankers approaching people out of their league are their reactions. I would think, if I my height to weight ratio was the same as a water buffalo and people confused the shape of my head for Mount Rushmore, and I walked up to.. Oh I don’t know, “insert famous super model here” and tried to chat her up and she sprayed her drink in my face from laughing so hard I would more or less expect that reaction. I would need to know my limitations. These days, ugly people are surprised. Surprised!? One of your nostrils is bigger than the other…significantly! You can fit a bowl up one of those things and you are wondering why she turned you down when straight women are trying to chat her up she is so sexy? Come on man! Snap out of it! Also, what person ever started the phrase, “Stop Hatin’” please hunt them down and send them to me so I can stab them with a dull tea spoon repeatedly. It’s not hatin’ you ignorant twit, it’s called being honest. Unless you have money, which negates all ugliness for women, fawn over them from afar. It’s been like that for centuries. Who are you to go screwing up the status quo with your selfishness? At least get rid of your unibrow. Who started that trend?? Send him along with the perpetrator of “hatin”. There are people walking around actually cultivating a unibrow! Purposely growing the brow and shaping it into a sharp point. And you are doing this because? World is going bonkers I tell you. While we are at it, just round up all the turds that have screen names that imply some trait they don’t have here in cyber land. If you have sexy, fine, one of a kind, amazing in your screen name and you aren’t, then you should be shot in the butt hole with a paintball gun. Really.