TRAINING FOR MY FIRST 5K

As a teenager I was fast. I mean turn off my bedroom light and in my bed before it was dark fast. Ok, I’m exaggerating, a bit. I did have world class speed though; AAU Junior Olympic medalist speed. Now, you would think one blessed with all of this natural ability for running would enjoy it as a past time or look at it as a comfort. Well if you thought that you’d be wrong. I hate running. Matter of fact there are certain times I detest it. Personally, I see it as a pointless activity that major shoe companies concocted as a means to sell overly expensive excessively specialized shoes. Absolute waste of time. With that, these are my observations on me training for and running my first 5K race.

Now, why did I run a 5K race if I am so strongly anti-running? I was tricked! A client of mine, law firm, casually asked what my late afternoon plans were for the third week of June on Friday. I often schedule appointments with clients casually so this wasn’t out of the ordinary. I was honest and said nothing. Next thing I know I’m signed up for a corporate 5x5K race. Bastards! Never trust a lawyer! Some of you might be inclined to say a 5K race isn’t long at all and I’m being a big baby. Well f#ck you. Matter of fact, f#ck you and yo momma. Her momma too AND ya uncle and aunties. I told you how much I hate running dammit!

At the time of the announcement of my inclusion on this team I had exactly 3 weeks to train. In addition to my world class speed I also have super human procrastination powers. The first time I motivated myself enough to train was 2 weeks before the race. For a normal 5k this would’ve been enough to prevent embarrassment at coming in last. Unfortunately, the employees of the law firm told me the Senior Partner who “asked” me to run is extremely competitive and doesn’t believe in any ‘just finishing is victory enough’ bullsh%t. To add to that, the other Senior Partner is in a running club and consistently clocks in at sub 22 minutes for his 5k. This guy is easily pushing 50 also. I felt like I had to step up my game!  My first training consisted of the treadmill. I hate running so I don’t need much of an excuse not to run, but constant rain and chilly temperatures made it clear the treadmill was as good as it was going to get that week. I made it through about 2 kilometers then literally said “This 5k can suck a dick”, then I went and lifted weights. If I passed out during the middle of the race I could at least look good when the EMTs wheeled my black behind to the Ambulance. With that thought I went shopping after and bought some new running gear, some nice running shoes and running shorts. The shorts were the perfect length to show off my nicely muscled thighs that are absolutely useless for running a 5K. 

Me during that first practice 5K

Running is so boring to me! People tell me how running is like yoga. Their brain turns off and they got lost in the mindlessness of the act. Well those people are brain damaged. Irreversibly brain damaged. My thoughts become laser focused. “Negro WTF are you DOING!?! There is no police chasing us so for the love of God STOP!” After a couple more attempts on the treadmill I figured it wasn’t the best place to always train and I needed to run outside to get a feel for the terrain. The first time I decided to run outside the weather was decent, not too hot or cold. I had €20 tucked inside my sock in case I needed to catch a taxi to get back home. I had my iPod full of old school tunes. I was set! I got about 5 minutes into my run and my legs and lungs started fighting like a bunch of 5 year olds. “That’s my oxygen! Give it back! I had it first! He took my oxygen!!” I knew I was in trouble if 5 minutes in I was having difficulty. I mean, if I live to be 100 I can finish a 5K. The problem was there were 4 other people depending on me to not only finish but get a decent time. The fact they believed their jobs depended on me having a good time was motivation enough. I learned something else during those first 5 minutes also. My ear canals are deformed. I mean, why else would my expensive running earphones keep falling out of my ears after every three steps. Almost 40 years old and I’ve lived my entire life with deformed ear canals. No way are my earphones pieces of crap that I wasted my hard-earned money on. Needless to say I didn’t run a full 5K that day.

So, the Monday before the race I decided to run a full 5K no matter how long it took me. If my memory serves me correct I finished on Wednesday afternoon. At least that’s what my legs felt like. I was DONE after that practice 5K. I live in a 5 story walk up which is more like a 6 story walk up because in Germany the ground floor isn’t counted as the first floor. I am not religious in the least but I almost found Jesus walking up those stairs. Or I was hoping he would find me and help carry me the rest of the way up. I might have offered up my first unborn child for bottle of cold water and a push too. I lift weights, regularly. But the pain I felt after that 5K was a whole nother other as we say where I’m from. I wasn’t even running fast! For the first time in like 17 years I took a bath. I had to cause standing up to take a shower was not an option.  I was not looking forward to that race. The next observations are on the actual race itself. To be continued...

OBSERVATIONS OF THE GYM (GERMANY)

I have worked out more or less since I was 16 years old. There is a separate culture for people who regularly go to the gym. That culture is entirely dependent on what kind of gym you go to. A gym frequented by body builders will be entirely different to a gym full of Soccer Moms. These observations are entirely focused on German gym culture. In saying that, if these observations come off as a rant... well imagine having to deal with some of this stuff every time you went to your gym. I’ve held this stuff in going on 7 years which is the amount of time I’ve lived in Berlin. With that...

The first thing that is extremely apparent is that someone should remind German people that the monthly membership fees are for the USE of gym equipment and not for the OWNERSHIP of gym equipment. Seriously, people here act like they took out a separate damn lease contract for each and every piece of equipment they work out on. Does not matter if they are walking around speaking to other people, gone to the toilet or even gone to their car to get something they forgot, Germans do NOT relinquish their machines! Can’t tell you the number of times a German guy left for ages then came back and tried to tell me he was using the machine. They didn’t wait for me to finish my set to tell me either. While a brotha was trying to get his swole on they stopped what I was doing to get me off the machine for them. When I looked confuse they assumed it was because I didn’t understand German and attempted to inform me that their towel was there. Sooooo, it’s like the towel is some kinda proof of ownership title that exists in this country? Personally, I don’t care if someone chopped off their pinky toe and nailed it to the leg extension machine WITH a neon banner proclaiming they are the rightful owner for the duration of their leg work out. You leave for more than 5 minutes buddy that machine is now free for anyone to use. And don’t even get me started on the fact the concept of SHARING just gets totally lost when I walk into my gym. Even if you are using the lat pull-down machine I can use it while you’re resting, basic gym etiquette. But nooooooooooo, I have to wait for you to finish all of your sets which takes 23 minutes because you talking to your friend that you went to Kindergarten with and you see EVERY damn day about the conversation you had last night which is the same damn conversation you have every night. THEN when you two go do whatever the hell it is you do that keeps you away from your workout for eons, you put your towel down on the machine and expect me to “respect” the towel. Muthafucca that ain’t no force field! That towel is not goin to stop my black ass from using this machine the second you leave. And then, THEN, people want to catch an attitude when they are RESTING their towel or water bottle on machines they aren’t even actually using! Bastards!!

Ok, I’ll be the first to say I’m not the cleanest person in the world, but I do know how to pick up after myself. And with this observation I have to apologize to my Turkish followers out there. Where I used to live in Berlin the majority of the gym goers were Turkish and I attributed this next observation to them. However, I now go to a gym that is predominately German and the same nasty ass practice still occurs. Right, you use a dumbbell, barbell, rope whatever, you don’t just leave it where you were using it; you put it back where you got it, simple as that. Hell, in EVERY gym I’ve used in the states they have it posted throughout the free weight areas. I mean, even if you’ve never gone to the gym, just outta common decency one should feel it is a courtesy to return what you used to its rightful place. Not in Berlin apparently. Dudes will use 3 or 4 sets of weights and just hop they asses up from the bench and leave. Or worse yet, take one dumbbell clear across to the other side of the gym, use it, and then just leave it there! What retard does that!?!? One of my damn arms is officially bigger than the other from carrying one dumbbell around frantically searching for its partner. F*ck a “Where’s Waldo?” I play “Where’s the other 20kg dumbbell?” EVERY damn time I go to the gym. Then they think I’m crazy walking around with one 20kg weight in my hand muttering to myself!

Now, this next observation I have to admit is more of a personal pet peeve. Also, I’ve seen this in more countries than just Germany but figured I’d include it with these observations. Full Range of Motion people, learn it and utilize it. Now, what I mean by full range of motion is, if you are doing an exercise, you should be going as far with the weight or movement as your body will allow naturally. I see dudes loading up stacks, STACKS of weight then moving it like 2 inches. Seriously? I’m not impressed at all. You’re wasting my time and your body is not amused. If you’ve been working out for over a year and you see absolutely NO change, then you’re doing something wrong. All you’re doing is working out your elbow joints. What woman is impressed with big elbow joints on a man?? Go all the way down with the weight man and get a decent workout for once in ya life. I wonder if they do that during sex, just put the tip in and acting like they long stroking. Maybe that’s why German women seem so sour and uptight, holla!

I used to assume many things before I started travelling, everyone loves dancing to hip-hop, everyone eats pancakes with syrup, and everyone calls Disney World characters the same names. One fallacy I have now learned that does not exist in Germany apparently is the unspoken rule that if you see someone struggling with a weight you run over and save their life! A man is about to die and you are only going to stare at him?? Soooo many inappropriate German historical remarks I could insert here but I will take the high road. But man that’s just creepy. And if I just ASK someone for a spot on a heavy weight they act like I asked them if their mother would lick my booty hole. I need 10 seconds of your time to make sure I don’t die and you want to act like that?!?! Well f****ck you then you big elbowed bastard!!

Still with me? Next observation is actually a world-wide observation/rant. Posing in front of the mirror is 100% allowed fellas. We all do it and I can’t fault anyone who wants to see the fruits of their labor. What I can fault someone on is posing in the mirror longer than they actually worked out! These are the posing rules of the gym people, study them, write it down, and take a picture. Do what you need to do but ya need to learn them. Rule #1: You get THREE poses and one of those three poses better be a body part you worked out THAT session. Rule #2: You get five seconds per pose MAXIMUM, no exceptions and those five seconds do not carryover to your next work out session. Use them that session or you lose them. We are not AT&T up in this muthafucca and rollin sh*t over for next month. Rule #3: After you have used up your allotted time, move the hell outta the way! No lingering or loitering is allowed during my mirror time. When you linger you f*ck up the rotation! Pose, change, pose, change, pose move yo ass out the way cause it’s my turn. Get it? Got it? Good. Now we can move on.

Ok, now for the health & hygiene observation and this is a universal observation buuuut it does seem my Turkish German brethren are guilty of this one a tad bit more than other ethnic groups. If you are wearing a shirt and/or shorts to the gym and you can’t remember the last time you washed said shirt and/or shorts 9 out of 10 times you can be sure that you smell like a 6 pack of GET BACK. Better yet, if your clothes are talking to you about being embarrassed about how they smell and they don’t want to go out in public in that sad state, wash ya stuff, you smell like boo boo. I am no dermatologist, but that can’t be good for your skin having something that smells that bad in direct contact. Isn’t extreme funkiness acidic? That can cause psoriasis or herpes right?? Just saying, wash your gym clothes regularly.

Ok people, this is my last and final observation of the gym in Berlin. If you are going to ignore me when my life is in danger when I need a spot, catch an attitude when I attempt to work out on “your” machine, why in DA HELL do you feel the need to talk to me when you’re butt ass naked in the changing rooms?? Really?? Now you want to talk to me?? NO NO NO!!! Even if you saved my life in the gym, under no circumstances are you allowed to speak to me while you’re drying your balls... with a hair dryer. And for the love of all that’s good and holy do NOT bend over naked when my face is looking in the same direction!! What do you think towels were created for man!?!? What are these men smoking to assume the changing rooms of all places while naked is where you ask me for work out tips? SMDH (Shaking my damn head) just breaking all the major Bro Code Rules. Madness I tell ya.