ADVICE TO WOMEN

ADVICE TO WOMEN

Ok, advice? Like I’m some expert to be giving anyone advice on anything? I’m not. However, it’s my two cents worth and at the least you’ll get a good laugh out of this “advice”.

1.) Throw the scale away!! Scales are evil and should be banished from bathrooms. All scales make you do women is feel bad about yourselves and waste money on fad diets that don’t work. Matter of fact, has anyone seen that movie Office Space with Jennifer Aniston? It’s an old movie but a classic. You remember that scene where the people went out to the middle of nowhere and beat the crap out of that computer?? THAT’S what women should be doing with scales. Get a group of your friends, round up all the scales you can find, take them out to the middle of nowhere and take turns puttin’ a beat down on those things. Other then men, those little machines cause you more guilt and insecurity then anything on this planet, yet you keep it in your house! Their evil and secretly laugh at you when you step on them no matter how much you weigh. Doesn’t even matter how much you weigh anywayz, it’s more about how you feel and look in your clothes…well, and out of your clothes. That’s my advice, stop weighing yourselves and throw those damn contraptions away.

2.) Second piece of advice is similar to the first. Please stop looking at magazine ads of D&G, Prada, and Armani. Those women are not real! Anyone, and believe me, anyone can look like that with a team of professional experts having hours to make them look attractive AND a nerd at a super computer and the latest hyper version of Photoshop. It’s make believe! You know most movies are fake and full of special effects so why don’t you believe the same about those women in the pages of Vogue? Believe me, as stupid as men can be we don’t go around feeling bad cause our stomachs are bigger than Brad Pitt’s. It is a conspiracy to make you feel bad and spend hella money on whatever product said bean poles are promoting. Just put the magazines down and read a book. Better yet, start your OWN magazine and force advertisers to put every day average size women in their ads.

3.) This next piece of advice is for all the non-black women out there. Black women already know this and believe me, they ain’t really stressing over it. If you are truly concerned about the size of your ass… I mean if it causes you stress so much that you are always trying to hide how big your butt is…Date a black man. I swear, you will come to APPRECIATE it. Black men Luuuuuuuuuuv da booty. They will make you see it’s a blessing to have some junk in the trunk. It’s a gift from God bestowed on those he deems worthy!! I’m not saying marry a black man, or even have a black boyfriend. Just date him, that’s all. Promise that you will change your way of thinking. Side note, Latinos are a more than able substitute if no black men are available.

4.) Ok, the first few pieces of advice were trivial. Now we are going to get to the nitty gritty! This next one women, I really don’t understand why you do it, and it needs to stop like yesterday. Do NOT fake orgasms. Women who fake orgasms need to be given a citation and a warning the first time you do it and suspend your sex license if you do it again. It’s wrong on so many levels. If you fake it, then that means he is doing it wrong and you are making that fool think he’s doing it right so he’s not going to change! If you really want to set a man straight, if he’s not doing it right and you are bored…then look bored! Start yawning and looking at your nails and start humming old Tina Turner hits, it may take him awhile, but eventually he’ll catch on that something is wrong. Be nice about it and tell him he’s not getting it quite right and hopefully he’s willing to learn. It’s one thing if you go to a person’s house and their 90 year old great-grandmother cooks a meal that is disgusting. In that instance, you fake it. When your child brings home a painting and says it’s a drawing of the family but looks like 4 abdominal snowmen in various stages of an epileptic fit, THEN you fake it. You don’t fake it when it comes to sex! Maybe that’s why so many of you are walking around so unhappy and stressed! Just be honest women. You will force men to improve…well or at least try to improve.

5.) Ok, I know women have heard this a million times, but somewhere along the line it’s not sinking in to your memory banks cause you are making the same mistakes over and over again. Let me think of a way to say this so you understand clearly…..You can’t change him. Hold on, maybe that wasn’t clear enough..YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. One more time JUST in case for the less bright out there, YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIS ASS SO STOP TRYING. It doesn’t matter how much you are willing to do for him, it doesn’t matter how great you two are together and it definitely doesn’t matter how much you love him. You cannot change a man. If he’s a player and is always out with a lot of other women, you are not going to be able to make him be with you only. If he’s an asshole and refuses to communicate with you, sorry, but you aren’t going to be able to get him to be more open. Wait, ok. Maybe I’m being harsh. You want to know how you can change a man? I’m lying! There is no way cause you can’t change him! Now, I haven’t said a man CAN’T change. There is a difference. I’m just saying YOU can’t change him. If you hear about a man you dated in the past who was a cheater settles down and is a great family man, it wasn’t his wife that changed him. He changed himself. When a man decides to do things differently, he will do them. Until then you are just spinning your wheels in place ladies. He’s not going to change for you..EVER. Life is too short, let him go and find a man who has figured things out and is the man you feel you deserve.

6.) Believe in your intuition cause more than likely you are right. Not too many times have I ever heard a woman say she had NO idea her man was cheating. Women know 92.6751% of the time when your man is cheating. It’s a feeling you have in the pit of your stomach but you suppress it cause you don’t WANT it to be true. Since the dawn of mammals women had to gather food, make a home and care for the children. God gave you that ability to sense danger to get a jump on getting to safety. That ability is still in you. Stop denying the force! If you meet him and you get a feeling he is crazy??? Run!! More than likely that negro is crazy and that’s an early warning system you are feeling. Heed those feelings women! But the trick these days is to make sure it’s your gut and not your insecurities you are following…

7.) Right, so your man is always dropping hints that he wants to have a 3-some. Worse yet, he’s downright nagging you about it at every turn. You want to get him off your back? Here is the advice for you. Tell him, SURE, of course we can have that 3-some you’ve always wanted. Tell him you will even do all the work of finding the second female for this said 3-some. Even go so far as to set a date and put it in red permanent marker on a calendar. Oh, no. I’m not crazy. There is method to my madness. Just keep reading. Now, after your husband or boyfriend stops doing cartwheels around the house and doing the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the back yard…take his hands, look him deep in his eyes and say, there is just one small little condition you have before your 3-some takes place. That condition??? He has to allow you to have YOUR 3-some first. Oh yes, quid pro quo baby. Tell that MF that in your 3-some, he has to do EVERYTHING to the other man that he wants you to do with the other woman. Cause when a man wants a 3-some, it always involves bi sex. Always, always, always. It’s just what I..eer, I mean men like. Now, your man will most likely get upset, protest and generally throw a hissy fit. Don’t say ANYTHING. Just get your lil MP3 player or any device that records his voice. All the reasons he will give for why you two DON’T need to have a male 3-some…just play those back when you say then you don’t need a female 3-some. Matter of fact, you can use this for anal sex also. If’ he’s pestering you to try it, tell him, ‘Yes baby, we are going to try it for you!” Then get out the strap-on and anal lube and tell him to bend over cause he’s first. Now, if you use this tactic and your man does the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the front lawn again or bends over and applies the anal lube himself…then you’re on your own! As I said at the beginning, I’m no expert and I have no way of knowing if your husband is a freak!

8.) This last piece of advice I almost didn’t add. I truly had to think long and hard about including this information. It’s a little raw and I may offend some people, however, I know men will be thanking me for saying it later and it will so save some women a bit of shame later on. And don’t worry ladies! I’m going to get on the men later on as well so I’m not just picking on you. Ok..whew..Here we go. My advice ladies is, don’t ever, ever, EVER, EVER brag about your oral skillz if you have never done it to completion. I promise you, bet you bottom dollar that your man isn’t talking about how good you give head if you don’t do it to completion. It sounds so wrong, but I have heard too many female friends bragging about skillz they don’t have. I know cause their boyfriends are talking about them behind their back and prayin they learn how to do it properly. Again, I apologize for the X-rated content of this piece of advice but it had to be said! It’s ok for women to talk about how bad and clueless men are in bed and it’s not ok for men to do the same? I think NOT! All I’m saying is, you don’t have any ex-boyfriends talking about your oral skillz if you never made them…well, you know. Just a fact of life. Oh, one last caveman-ish, Neanderthal thing to say… Women, men have created a Hall of Fame with bronzed busts of you in a secret location for those of you who swallow. Oooh I know it’s gross, but you women are a special breed and we worship you!! Enough said on that.