ADVICE TO MEN

ADVICE TO MEN

So, I gave some advice to the women. I feel since I’m a man of the 21^st Century I shouldn’t leave men out of the mix. Why should women only benefit from my wisdom and insight. Actually men, these are things I heard women talking about and felt we all could use a few tips. Right, so since this advice is for men, I’m just going to get straight to the point.

1.) Stop bragging about how good you are in bed. Just stop it. Don’t say another word about your sexual prowess UNLESS a woman has ever done these things…

a.) Flown you out to visit her and she lives on the opposite coast or in a different country. Believe me, women are only going to do that if 1.) They are deeply in love with your ass or 2.) You are handling your business between the sheets. Good dick is hard to find and women aren’t going to miss the opportunity to have a good one every now and then. Interesting conversation they can have with you on the phone brotha man, but you need to be in the same bedroom for other things.

b.) Got into a fight on purpose with her man, just so they could “break up”, so she can have a clear conscious when you come into town to have sex with you. Be careful men. If your girlfriend seems to be trying to pick a fight with you for no reason at all and she’s not PMSing, you aren’t doing something right in the bedroom cause someone who can must be in tooooooown.

c.) Paid your rent. Woman can’t have good dick out on the streets! Another woman might come across it and scoop it up! They don’t want you stressing that month about paying the bills and need you FOCUSED on the task at hand, her pleasure.

d.) Had you driving around in her luxury car while she takes the bus. I don’t mean you TOOK the car or asked her. I mean she INSISTS and won’t hear anything else on the subject.

e.) Buys you diamonds…enough said.

Women appreciate pipe layers. You lay the pipe, she will let you know men. If after sex she jumps up to catch Late Night with David Letterman…sorry buddy you didn’t handle your business. But if she’s asleep before you can even get out of the bed…Like curled up in the fetal position and snoring sleep..then you know you laid some pipe! Then and only then do you need to be talking about anything the next day. Cause if she hasn’t done any of the things mentioned above, then she is sooo talking about you behind your back if you are trying to brag.

2.) Stop asking for 3-somes!! Most of you can’t even last more than 2 minutes (including foreplay) with one woman and you want to add another to the mix?? Your dreamin’. Focus on the one woman you have and handle that properly first. That should keep most of you occupied for ooooh, this lifetime and part of your next. Now..in saying that, IF you lay the pipe properly…..

3.) Don’t cheat. Seriously, DO NOT CHEAT! No matter how smooth you think you are, no matter how many precautions you take she is going to find out. It’s not worth it man… Just don’t cheat is all I have to say. If there are problems in the relationship either work them out or leave, but don’t cheat. God forbid you cheat cause it’s a forgone conclusion she is going to find out, but God forbid you cheat and she finds out and DOESN’T break up with yo ass. Oh, talk about hell on earth! If you cheat, and your girlfriend finds out and wants to try to work things out…just leave the country. Really, just pack a small suitcase and get the hell out of dodge. Starting your life over from scratch will be easier than having to go through what you will be subjected to. Now, if by some chance where the planets are aligned in your favor or you find a lucky charm and stumble on to the fact that your wife or girlfriend cheated on you?? Stay! Dammitt stay your ass in that relationship and don’t LEAVE! You know how much leverage you have?? Women always have the upper hand in relationships cause men are always doing stupid-ass shit that they can remind us of and guilt us into doing things we really don’t want to do. Christmas with HER family, letting her crack head brother get clean by staying in YOUR house, you going to a Blue Man Group show the night of the Super Bowl. HOWEVER, if you had the fact that SHE cheated and got caught and you were faithful?? Ooooh man it would be like having all the Get out of Jail free cards from Monopoly! She starts nagging about you not taking out the garbage, or talking about you leaving your clothes everywhere around the house…You only have to pull out the trump card! “I may not be perfect, but at least I love you enough not to go outside of our relationship!!” Then bite your bottom lip and pretend to cry. Besides, think of all the points you get with other women for NOT being a typical man and cheating THEN trying to make the relationship work.

4.) I may gross a couple of you guys out on this next bit of advice but I’m thinking if any women read this, they are going to be standing up applauding for this one. Ok, everyone has talents in this world. No matter how much I practice playing basketball, most likely I’ll never be as good as Allen Iverson, he just has God-given talent. When it comes to sex, I’m assuming it is true as well. Some men just have the innate ability to know how to find the pulse of a woman’s pleasure and tap into its current. While other men, if you drew a map to the G-spot would get lost and of course wouldn’t stop to ask for directions. So, my advice is, learn how to perform oral sex on a woman. I heard once on a high class, show that represents quality American T.V., Jerry Springer, a woman said she didn’t mind her husband getting old as long as if “He couldn’t cut the mustard he could at least lick the jar.” A tad bit on the crude side, but you get the gist. Oh, I know some, maybe even many of you do it but I don’t know if you are doing it well. If you can’t label the parts of a woman’s vagina then you don’t know what you are doing buddy. Would you take your car to a mechanic who couldn’t identify a wrench, lug nut or a sparkplug? Hell no! So why should a woman bring her ass to you if you don’t know the parts of her sexual anatomy?? Take a class, download a video ask a lesbian do something! It’s not a submissive act for the man. It’s just the opposite actually. It’s when a woman is probably at her most vulnerable. She is literally giving you passage to the essence of life itself and allowing you full privileges in the chamber of secrets! She’s having to deal with her insecurities about her body, deal with your crazy ass being down there AND still try and let go to actually enjoy herself. The least you could do is know what you are doing. Also, don’t think of it as something you have to do just so you can get her ready for sex. That’s the wrong mentality on every level. Think of it as…well as a conversation, better yet, the conversation that takes place just before the first kiss. You are in a place where you can’t speak very loud so you have to get close enough to make sure she is hearing every word coming out of your mouth. She is a little shy so you can’t get close and start yelling. You have to “speak” in gentle tones at first until she becomes comfortable to she sound of your voice. Until you determine which cadence and rhythm works best to.. to relax her. You don’t want her to confuse anything you are saying so you have to PRO-NUN-CIATE extremely clearly. Then, if the conversation is going well, you lean in for a kiss. Not a peck on the cheek, but a deep, long, sensual kiss where you are trying to taste her soul.. Now, if you do THAT, buddy you’ll be Ok. TRUST me. If a woman has never had your head in a vice grip between her thighs and you think your eyes are going to pop out of your head then something is wrong with your technique and you need a workshop.

5.) My last bit of advice to men and to me, it is easily the most important. It trumps everything I have said previously in this “Advice Column”. You may think I’m crazy when I tell you, but I’ll break it down for you. Spoil your woman. I mean spoil her rotten!! I mean it. Do nice things for your woman for the hell of it and not only for special occasions. Now the dynamics of this strategy, women are programmed completely different from men. It’s like they received all the components for empathy, compassion, kindness and generosity while us men got all the ones for farting real loud, exploding things and being able to pee standing up. For example, woman makes a man’s favorite meal with all the trimmings. Really goes out of her way to make it a special dinner and show her man how much she adores him. Man comes home, sees it, kisses his wife on the forehead, says thank you, then picks up the plate of food she slaved over, grabs a beer and goes and sits in front of the TV to watch the game. He appreciated it for sure, but it’s like we don’t posses the capacity to truly express it to women. Now, reverse the roles. Man decides to cook a meal for his wife/girlfriend just to show her he loves her. He burns the chicken until it looks like a lump of coal, almost sets fire to the house trying to light candles and put too much salt in the rice and in the end had to order from Pizza Hut. Woman comes home and sees the ATTEMPT at a nice meal and mentally she’s already planning how she will show him how much this ATTEMPT meant to her. We don’t even have to get it right! We only have to try and women LOVE it!! You ever wonder why some men seem to get away with murder with their wives or girlfriends? He’s either A.) Laying the wood properly. Or B.) About once every year, unexpectedly he surprises his wife with something special on a non-holiday or anniversary. He calls her for no reason one day just to tell her he was thinking about her, he sends flowers to her job just because, he buys her a little gift cause it reminds him of her. His woman will talk about that event for MONTHS after the fact. She will keep talking about that ONE time Jo Jo rubbed her feet even after Jo Jo has been late 236 straight times picking her up from work in HER car. Spoil your women men because it will come back tenfold.