OPEN LETTER

Dear Carl,

Either you are braver than I first gave you credit for to expose yourself to the unknown as you have done, or you are more stupid than I ever imagined to put your demons on display in the all remembering blogosphere. No matter which label applies, I do have to give you some respect for attempting something I have no shame in admitting thought you entirely incapable of, change. Oh, you spoke about it plenty of times in casual conversation. You certainly wrote about wanting to change in that damn journal of yours. You even gave some half-hearted attempts after some heart-broken woman laid her grief at your feet. But REAL change, like truly altered state, unlike you were before change, something completely different change? Nope, I didn’t believe it. At some point along the line when I was distracted you up and became a man. To go against the grain, leave what is comfortable behind and venture out into the wilderness… that takes true courage. Ok, you are brave; at least that much I can give you. Nonetheless, you are still retarded for A.) Blogging about it and B.) Your journals. Until you burn those things I won’t ever feel completely safe.

So, 90 days. Where did that number even come from anyway? You’ve gone a lot longer without sex before in your life. AND you did it when you were much younger when the testosterone levels were sky high. Is it really about no sex? Or is it to create this aura so women will fight to be the one you end it with? I know you better than most and you can be one manipulative calculating motherfucker. It could simply be about you using the time to focus your energy on more important things than pleasure of the body, like fulfillment of the soul. If that is so, then dare I say it, you finally stopped being afraid of your potential. Have you accepted the greatness that resides in you, turned to embrace it instead of fleeing the responsibility it entails at every turn? If that be true and you have conquered that all encompassing fear that once guided your hand, than I have to be man enough to admit I was wrong about you on so many levels.

I am proud of you. I don’t utter those words lightly. You know me all too well and have experience with how tightly I withhold my praise for you. I am proud of you in a way that no one else could be or will ever be. Also, I think I owe you an apology for ever doubting you. But, I think you know I owe you an apology for a far more serious crime. I’m sorry for trying to hold you back. It’s one thing to not believe in someone’s dreams, it’s a complete other thing to prevent them from reaching a dream. I tried my best to sabotage your efforts. I systematically did what I could to always bring you back to the Carl I knew and felt safe around. I’m so so sorry for that. If I am going to show even an ounce of the courage you have shown, then I have to admit it was fear I let tarnish our relationship. I was afraid of you, I was afraid for you, I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid of so many things. I started out writing this letter to do what I’ve done so many times in the past, fill your head with white noise to block out the sound of your soul. But now, I sit here with actual tears in my eyes immensely impressed and downright amazed with you as a human being, as a person and as a man.

Now, let me give you some advice. Yeah, yeah, I know I haven’t always given you the soundest advice in the past. But you have to admit, in the end, it was always your decision to follow my instructions or not. You always had the power to walk away so you can’t blame me for everything. Don’t get so frustrated with the people who don’t get it. They have their own path to take and sometimes they don’t realize it’s a personal journey we each have. Walking behind a person trying to tell them where they should be going isn’t the same as someone walking beside you offering encouragement. Relax and don’t take it to heart. Next, never give up until your heart tells you to give up. Never listen to what anyone else says. Usually they are jealous you are putting so much effort into something not them, or your unwavering belief causes them to doubt their own paths’. If it’s your heart you are truly following, it will never tell you to give up, only regroup, rethink and refocus. Only the universe knows the limit to the love in your heart. Love is the unknown x factor man! As long as there is love beating in your chest, there is always hope. Another thing, it’s ok to get angry from time to time. Even Buddhist monks learned Kung-Fu and had to get a lil gangsta from time to time. Just control the anger and use it to fuel your ambitions. Accept every part of you, and that includes your temper. The last two pieces of advice are similar and for most people should be obvious, but as smart as you are… Find out if it’s possible to remove blogs from the internet permanently. “I’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend or anyone I’ve seriously dated in my life, EVER.”??? Really crack baby?? REALLY?? You’re killin’ me. Lastly, get rid of those damn journals! You ain’t no black Hank Moody where people will want to know all about your sordid sexual past. I don’t even know if the statute of limitations has passed on some of the stuff you mention in those things. Burn them, seriously. Then stand back and watch the green smoke billow out.

I don’t know what the future holds for you Mr. Carl, but at this moment, I’m in awe of you. I’ve held you back long enough in this lifetime, if you can commit to a profound change that is about being a better man, than I promise right here to commit to being a better friend. When I think about all you’ve accomplished with me hindering you with everything at my disposal, I literally cannot even fathom the heights you can achieve. I know you haven’t heard these words often from me, but I love you man. I truly and sincerely love you.

Yours for life,
Carl

PS Did you have to put the ever in capital letters??

PSS I’m serious about those journals!

PSSS Day 81 negro! Don't FUCK it up with only 9 days to go!

AROUSAL

You know those nightmares where even after you’ve woken up and began your day, the residual chill and fear you experienced the night before clings to the crevices of your psyche like sand between your toes after a day at the beach? That was the last 2 years of my life. I felt like I was in this fluid nightmare state whose grasp I couldn’t completely break free of. The inexplicable thing about the entire situation is, I wasn’t aware of the depth of my despair. I had no idea how far into the abyss I had waded. I’d created this alternate universe, a bizzaro world if you will of epic proportions, I wasn’t deserving of love, I was a fool to believe anyone would ever love me, no one was to be trusted and worst of all, my love had no power. The list goes on and on, and on..and on… I was so profoundly lost that the very notion of discovering a way out, finding me in the darkness seemed unfathomable, I was broken, but didn’t know what was broken and even if I did know where the breakdown had occurred, I was terrified I didn’t have the tools to rectify the situation. That feeling, frustration stacked on top of confusion, pressed upon disillusion caught upon insecurity creates a hopelessness of the worst kind.

I know I’m not the only person who has shed hot tears of dismay at night while writhing in tangible agony feeling powerless to make the aching stop, then, at daybreak, clutching at mental hooks to keep your sanity as you sleep walk through another meaningless day. The only sound is the loneliness you’re surrounded in echoing off the walls you’ve barricaded yourself behind. The only sensation the change between utter numbness or extreme fear. In quiet moments you find yourself wishing for that magical sleep where once you open your eyes you've begun the next lifetime where things may be better because they can't get any worse.

This desolate picture I’m painting only consists of swirls of gray, splashes of black and dabs of indigo blue. Yet, I had other colors available. There was a full pallet of intense yellows, brilliant greens and fiery reds ready to be incorporated into my life. I just was blind to anything outside my tunnel vision of depression.

Even now, as I squint in the light of remembrance, I sit back in amazement when confronted with the simple truth. I was never imprisoned in a world of darkness; I only had my eyes squeezed tight to brilliance. My solitude was entirely self-imposed. While I believed I was fighting against a current of blackness, in reality I was fighting against the arms of those who loved me reaching out to embrace me. When my insecurity had warped my mind and convinced me I was adrift in a sea of criticism, in actuality I was floating in a calm lagoon of encouragement. Worst of all, when I felt there was no one, with only the reverberations of emptiness to answer my cries for help, those rebounds were the voices of loved ones pleading with me to only open my eyes.

Now, after so many lost moments of being closed so long to the flame of possibility, my eyes are finally open. Completely, 100% open and I can see for miles in all directions and I can see the smiles of everyone who were waiting expectantly for me to rejoin them again in this life. Well, almost everyone… When people ask me now how I am doing, I always answer truthfully, amazing. Ninety days without sex is not my goal for the small minded people who read this, learning to always keep my eyes open is the ultimate target, open and facing the radiance of me. Day 10, and the learning continues…