Observations on Relationships II

Here is the second part to my observations on relationships.

3.) “I Fell In……” It seems like people are falling in something around here, but it’s not love. I’ve seen people do the Fall in Complacency many times. Meaning, the person isn’t right for them, they KNOW the person isn’t right for them, but they are comfortable with the way things are and don’t want to rock the boat. They enjoy having someone, ANYONE around so they stay. Then there’s the Fall in Fear. They are afraid that’s as good as it gets, there is nothing else better coming so they grab on to what they know they have, instead of having faith that what they want is just a little further down the path. Oh, let’s not the forget the Fall in Paper. This is simply you meet someone who on paper should be the one for you. They have the looks, the personality, the same goals, right pedigree, EVERYTHING on your list has a checkmark next to it. Yet, that spark isn’t there. That Je ne sais pas quality everyone yearns for. So the paper characteristics keep them with that person when they know something essential is missing. Then last but not least.. the Fall in Challenge. The person is ok, but they have a few qualities that keep them from being PERFECT, bad boy, player, stripper, slut, etc, etc. You know, I mean you KNOW with your love that you can get them to change their ways. So you lose sight of the actual love that may exist for that person and focus on the challenge of the “transformation”. Or, you don’t love the person at all and just love the challenge. Eventually you get frustrated, lose site of what’s truly important and become bitter. Just said I tell ya.

4.) Arrogance. In my opinion this may be the most common pitfall I observe in relationships and I think on some level most of us are guilty of this transgression. Think about how many times you’ve thought to yourself, or told your friends, “I’m a great catch for someone. Any man would be lucky to have someone like me as a girlfriend. I have x, y, z which makes me better than average.” I know I’m guilty of this myself. I’m in my 30’s, no kids, no ex-wives, well educated, world traveler, great cook, attractive, I mean, come on. Who wouldn’t want me?? Isn’t that what we say? I went on a date with a woman once and she told me all I needed to know about her in the first 30 minutes. She proceeded to explain to me, in detail mind you, what a man needed to do in a relationship to make her happy. I thought she was crazy. Her requests of what she wanted a man to do weren’t crazy, I thought those were quite reasonable. What made her crazy in my eyes was how she presented these demands/requests on the first date!! Forget telling me about what I need to do, what in the hell are you going to do for me to put up with your insecurities, shortcomings and baggage?? Honestly, think how a relationship would be fundamentally different if we entered into them being a little more appreciative we found someone willing to be by our side while we try to get a little further along the path of understanding and self-discovery. Instead of talking about my lack of alimony I have to pay, or my AMAZING out of this WORLD oral skills which makes me a prize. I need to be telling women right up front, look, I was a late bloomer and was picked on a lot in high school. Because of that, I tend to be really shy at times and not trust people who say I’m attractive or want to get to know me better because I feel unworthy. Or, hey, I make it extremely difficult by setting up walls and pushing people away when I am going through a hard time instead of letting them in and explaining the situation. Right away a woman would know what the fuck she’s getting herself into and she can decide if it’s worth the trouble. Then, if she brings up those issues later, I can tell her “I told you! Don’t act like you didn’t know I was this way!” LOL! Seriously people, we all have these areas of ourselves, from past relationship failures to abusive periods in our former lives that have created scars. We try to over compensate for those scars or hide them because we believe it makes us unattractive. A relationship involves the risk of pain and suffering, so reveal the scars from the start, you never know, maybe that person you’re interested has the same ones and you can help each other out during the healing process. Or, you know from jump it wouldn’t work and you save each other’s time and can maybe salvage a friendship so you can still go to the gym at the same time and act civil when you see each other and not scream and yell and throw 1lb weights at each other and have the staff call the police to escort you out the building in the freezing cold cause you just in a sleeveless t-shirt and basketball shorts and you have a million Turkish people standing around watching, laughing and pointing .. Oh.. uuuuumm…. Yeah. Ok, moving on..

5.) Absence of Education. Now, I don’t mean lack of a college degree or special training. I mean absence of an education in healthy relationships. With a show of hands, who’s parents are still married? Look around, not so many huh? Now, with a show of hands, how many people can honestly say their parents are HAPPILY married?? We are not being “taught” how in the hell a relationship is supposed to work! If many people base what they’ve learned about relationships from today’s culture it’s yell as loud as you can when you have an argument and don’t sit down quietly to hear each other’s side, beat the shit out of each other, don’t try and have empathy and place yourself in the other person’s position and expect them to always work to make it better while you do nothing. I hear about people with serious issues blaming other people for why their relationships aren’t working. As a whole, it seems like society has become selfish, lazy and stubborn. If there were any traits that can cause problems in a relationship, those are it.

I have my faults. Matter of fact, I have MANY faults. The one thing I can say though is that I am very aware of how my faults effect how I interact with people. When I see, or am told what I’m doing, I apologize immediately. It is sad and extremely frustrating to be in a relationship with someone, anyone who either does not possess the ability or refuses to focus internally and question if what you do affects the world around you and the people in that world. It’s one thing to say you aren’t perfect, yet completely different to actually try and improve. Improvement is not about attainting perfection, it’s about moving further along a path. I think it’s obvious from this blog I recently got out of a relationship. Usually, a failed relationship has no effect on me at all. I’m a little sad it ended, but I think, that’s life. This time though… For the first time in YEARS, I wanted this relationship to work. When I say I wanted it to work I say I wanted this woman to be the end all to be all. I gave more of myself to her than I have given anyone. But, according to her, I’m not passionate, expect too much from someone I’m dating and try to talk about problems too much. Right… MOI not passionate??? My Mother tells me a fault of mine is that I’m TOO generous and I’m a bad guy for trying to communicate??? You know what? I wish her the best. I do. There is something about that woman that pulls me to her in a way I can’t understand. I still waking up thinking what can I do to make her happy, when we aren’t together! Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s complacency, or… maybe it’s love and I’m too arrogant, uneducated or have a lack of restraint to realize she is the one for me… I will say this though; I am finally ready to be in a relationship, a healthy one, a long one. When I find that, I promise, PROMISE that I’ll write a blog about it. Ha!