OBSERVATIONS OF MADRID II

Hear is the second part of my Madrid observations. I now do not feel so bad for bashing the people of this city when after many conversations with other English teachers and foreigners in general, many people seconded everything you will read.

1.) Ok, I completely understand how if you bring a movie from another country that is not in your countries language that you have to translate the title of said film. Here in Spain, they are HORRIBLE with how they translate movie titles. Even my Spanish students admit there must be an old drunk man that watches the films then decides what he is going to call them in English. For example, you remember that film White Chicks with the Waynon brothers? The film was forgettable I’m sure, but here in Madrid, the title of that film was called…Dos Rubias con Pelo en Pecho. The literal translation is…Two Blonds with Hair on their Chests. Swear to God the movie was called that. If you don’t think that one is strange how about this one; I was walking through a grocery store and they were selling old DVDs really cheap. You all remember that film with Chris Rock from waaaaaaaay back on the day called CB4? It was like a spoof on Boyz in the Hood. You will never guess what they called it here. I actually found it very offensive, but I live in Madrid and expect it from these people so I had to laugh also. Esos Negros están en lo Otra Vez, loosely translated that means, “Those negros are at it again.” Oh yes, the box really said that. I almost bought it to have proof of the level of ignorance and insensitivity here. There are soooo many more movie titles I could name. I am actually going to send a document soon of the films in English with the Spanish translations next to them so you can see what I mean.

2.) I love women. I think most of you know that. I really do. I pride myself on finding beauty in women that most men overlook. In saying that, there are some things I just can’t get over which I have noticed here in Madrid. Women have moles in the most fucked up places! Now, moles and birthmarks can be sexy. If they are located on the corner of the mouth, on the side of the nose, you know places like that. Here in Madrid?! I have seen women with moles on the very tip of their nose. I don’t mean small cute moles, not even medium size character giving ones. I am talking about huge, nasty, witch looking moles just daggling off the end of noses. I have seen a huge, bumpy mole on the tip of earlobes looking like their ear is sweatin’ skin. Oh, oh, I saw one woman with a big ass wart right in the middle of her forehead. But the worst one, I mean the one that almost made me gag was the woman with a mole on her bottom lip, smack damn in the center on the edge. She looked like one of those fishes at the bottom of the see that uses fake bait to lure fish close enough so they can kill them! I couldn’t help but stare at her lip. And she was talking real fast so it was jigglin’!! It was all hypnotizing me and everything. The only country I have ever seen anything like that in my life.

3.) I understand Spain was under a dictator for a lot of years. So they could use that excuse to explain why they are so behind culturally. One thing however, dictator or no that I do not get is men’s underwear here. My flat mate last year was Spanish and I do go to the gym so I see the types of underwear Spanish men are wearing. They aren’t just wearing tighty whiteys, but multi-colored tighty whiteys. They look like they are wearing Underoos for Adults. Just in case you don’t remember what Underoos are…they were a brand of underwear waaaaaaaay back in the day for little boys. They would put the colors and emblems of Super Heroes or Movie characters on them. Now. When you get to be 30, you should not want to be wearing draws that make you look like Yoda! Or, they have these weird Tim Leary psychedelic colors going on. I’m having an acid trip just trying to get dressed in the locker room.

4.) Right. So I like to cook and I like to read. Two things that are not uncommon or unheard of in the world right? Well in Madrid, I guess no one sent them the memo that black men can cook and do read. When I go grocery shopping, I have to take the metro to the closest grocery store. Coming back I am loaded down with bags heading to my apartment on the metro. Spanish people will actually look at my bags in amazement. I mean there will be shock and awe on their face that I have food in my bags and bought it at a grocery store. I even heard this conversation once while returning with my food between a couple (in Spanish of course) “It looks like food in the bags.” “It is! I see chicken and juice and pasta sauce!” “Well ain’t that a bitch. I didn’t know they shopped in grocery stores!” Oh yes, black people have only recently learned about grocery stores and have stopped hunting for wild meat in the parks and forests of Madrid. I swear every person on the metro stares at my groceries like I am transporting sacks of dollars instead of plain old food. In saying that though, the Africans DID the same thing when I first started shopping at that particular grocery store. In their case though, I think it was more of…”That nigga has food in those bags!” “Did you know they let Negroes in that grocery store!?” “Hell, if he can do it, so can we!” Now, I always see hella black people in that grocery store now. They pass me with their carts and baskets all grinning like “You ain’t the only one now!” Let me pull out a book on the metro. People have this funny look like they don’t believe I can actually read, but have the book just to pretend. Oh, and if I really want to cause a stir I take out my journal and start writing…in ENGLISH. They damn near have a fit on the metro.

5.) A very interesting thing about people from Madrid is that they realize their behavior is a bit shocking and out of sync with the rest of Europe. Well, some things of their behavior they admit to, others they have no clue and consider it normal but that is a study for a trained Psychologist. However, go to the South of Spain and the people are much nicer and considerate. Ask people from Madrid to comment on why that is so and they give the excuse…err, I mean reason that they are from the North of Spain and that since it is colder it makes them colder and more difficult to open up to new people. What kind of bullshit excuse is that!? Because you are from the North of Spain that is the reason why you are all assholes?! It is Spain! It’s not like its Sweden where if you are in the North of Sweden you are in the Artic Circle. North of Spain is like North Florida or North Jamaica. It’s still a place that is hella warmer than 90% of Europe. And, what makes it so bad is that I went to Germany and it was cold…but the people were still nicer than the people from Madrid! So what is their excuse now?!

6.) The thing that I understand the least, but pisses me off the most about Madrid. And most likely it is this way in all of Spain, but my experience is limited to only here in Madrid. Ok, every nation has a segment of their television programming that is unfiltered, pure, undiluted crap. What I have observed about Spanish television is how they insist on making people who star in crap TV famous. INSIST on it. Big Brother, which is called Gran Hermano here, is a way of life in Madrid. So, they will have the episode on, then the next night, they will have a show dedicated to speaking about every single little thing that happened in the previous episode. As I said before, they can not just have one or two people hosting the show. They will have a table with 5 people sitting around the table yelling and arguing over why they think so and so left their dirty draws in the bathroom, or why so and so didn’t put their cup in the sink. Behind those 5 people will be the family of the contestants still on the show, uncles, cousins, grandparents, random step-relatives. So in all, there are at least 30 people up on this stage all acting like they are discussing the fate of the world. Then, once the show is over, the contestants are still famous! We have American Idol and Real World, etc, etc. Once those shows go off the air the people are famous for a week at most unless they get arrested or die. Here in Madrid they are famous until they die! People who are on shows from 3 and 4 years ago are always on TV! Not just discussing Gran Hermano, but doing cooking shows, on late night TV….I mean, maybe I could understand if it was the young and attractive ex-participants who could do some commercial work, but EVERYONE from the show. That old, fat man that kept farting and picking his nose in 1999? He still is making the rounds on TV. Then, THEN, THEN, the other networks which are competitors will have their own shows about Gran Hermano!?! Are you serious!? You have a show about a program on another station and talk about that said program for an hour twice a week!? Madness I tell ya. They can’t name any doctors or scientists here in Madrid, but ask them who was the 6th person voted off in the 2002 version of Big Brother and they could tell you why and give you a synopsis as to their dismissal.

7.) I will say I do like how Spanish men are more affectionate with their wives/girlfriends in public here. They aren’t afraid to show how much they care for their females. The one thing I have noticed, that I don’t mind, but I wonder if the women like it is this…It is ok to touch and caress your girlfriend’s ass in public. Spanish men take it to a whole different level though! They rear their arms back to get some momentum and slap, and then lock on to their girlfriend’s asses like their hand is a Pit-bull on a raw piece of steak. I am always like “Daaaaaaaaamn!” Then they start squeezing and kneading it like they are about to make bread dough with it. I love ass more than the next man, so take care of it! You don’t always have to be gentle, but for Pete’s sake don’t draw blood. I figure that is why Spanish women have nice butts. All that slapping and pinching has swollen up their backsides and filled out their jeans. The men don’t even try and do it on the sly either, middle of the street, in department stores on the metro, whenever and wherever. Makes me wonder…”Hhhmm…what the hell do they do when they are alone in private?” The men probably have the Jaws of Life chasing after their females trying to grab their asses with it.

8.) Ignorance is ignorance. People in other countries like to label Americans as ignorant, and a lot are I admit. However, the average person in most countries is ignorant to the world outside of their city, country etc. The Madrileños? They have taken that shit to another level. First of all it’s a proven fact that the capitals and major cities of countries have the best and the brightest living there. It’s the natural migration to the big city in search of jobs and opportunities. In Madrid, it’s both the best and the brightest decided to stay in their villages, or sadly, this may be all the country has to offer… Let me explain. Ok, You are in England and you say you are from..I don’t know Colombia. The person may make some assumptions that everyone from there is a drug smuggler or every visitor gets kidnapped. However, once that Colombian explains to them that it actually isn’t that bad, etc, etc. I would bet the English person takes a step back because he is speaking to an ACTUAL Colombian. There misconceptions are being corrected by a person who would know the truth. Madrileños? Nope, it doesn’t work like that. “American food is hamburgers and Coca Cola.” “Oh, so you have visited the United States?” “No, but I know American food.” “Oh, so you know about Cajun food? Tex Mex? Soul Food? Philly Cheese Steaks? Chicago Deep Dish Pizza? And all the other combos of food we have?” This sentence will be followed by a puzzled look on their face…”Dip Deesh Pizza? Qué es eso? (What is that?)” “Exactly, you don’t know American food obviously.” At this point a normal person would either just walk away, or ask about the different types of food, SOMETHING. A Madrileño? They will tell you nooooo, hamburgers and coca cola is American Food. What?! MF you are goin’ to tell ME an American what we eat in MY country?? Spanish people travel less than Americans! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to class on a Monday and asked my students, “So what did you do this weekend?” And had an entire room of people for 9 months say, “Went back to my village.” How can you know what the hell people in another country eat when every damn weekend you go back to the same village where EVERYONE in your family still lives? I don’t see people there having International Food Night and every time you have American food it’s been Hamburgers and Coca Cola. Sometimes I’ll slip up and use slang in classes. When they can’t find it in a dictionary I’ll joke that I was speaking in Ebonics. It’s a joke, but it will start a conversation how black in the United States speak differently than white people in the United States. They don’t believe me!!! How in the fu@* can you not believe me?! In your own country not everyone speaks “Spanish” and you don’t believe in the United States, a country 10 times bigger than yours that a segment of the population speaks differently than another segment?? Damn they get me fired up!

Sad thing is, I think I may have to do a third set of Observations….and it won’t be positive! Stay tuned.