RANDOM OBSERVATIONS
AND THINGS TO MAKE YOU
SAY
Hhhhhmm……
These are things that have rattled around inside my brain the last month when I didn’t have my laptop. Some are observations, others questions and then there are those things that might just make you wonder…
1.) Gift certificates to restaurants, or more specifically, gift certificates to fast food restaurants. What in the hell is that about? You have to be one of the laziest, most uncreative muthafukkas in the world if you buy someone a gift certificate to McDonalds or Burger King. If someone gave me one of those things I would seriously have to ask them, “Are you out your damn mind?!” With all the stores and shops out there and the millions of gift options you went out and bought a free pass for artery clogging, rat shit infested, nothing real about it food? Unless you have given one of those things to a homeless person or someone morbidly obese you need to be shame! They even had commercials for these things on TV when I was back in the states for Christmas. Wanted to convince people it was ok to do. “I love you so I got you a certificate for a Big Mac Meal. But you have to pay for the Super Size yourself.” Next they’ll have gift certificates for hookers! “I couldn’t think of anything, so I got you this coupon to get a blowjob.” Wait. That might not be a bad idea actually. We could call them Hoepons, or Trickficates. I may be on to something here! “My boy got me a gift certificate for a handjob! Dat’s my nigga!” I’m just shaking my damn head cause I wouldn’t be surprised if soon we all get a message about this really happening somewhere in like Chicago or Memphis.
2.) People who get upset if you are online talking to someone else at the same time. I mean, it’s not like a phone call where you can’t speak to two people at once. If you would be a little more patient then everything would be fine. I have traveled quite a bit and have made more than a few friends. What makes you think, you not being my girlfriend and all, that I’m going to forsake them, and don’t forget my family as well, to ONLY speak with you when I actually am able to get online?? You have GOT to be a little more realistic on this one.
3.) If your screen name has sexy, fine, dime, or some other “clever” insinuation that you look good, are a catch or are on a higher level than other people, i.e. “2good4U”, “UcantHANDLEthis”, “2flyshorty”, etc, etc. You had better make damn sure that what you are implying is true. If I see one more obese bitch with a name like “OuttaYOleague” or something else like that, I will start to call you out. This is getting ridiculous with all these people out of touch with reality. How can anyone in their right mind put up a photo of Alicia Keys on their page and say they look like Alicia Keys. I mean, if you admire her singing that’s one thing, love her sense of style is another. But heffa, you are so black you are purple, are so fat you look like you ATE Alicia Keys but somehow you have convinced yourself that people will be able to see the resemblance… Oh, on another note, that website where you upload a photo and it tells you which celebs you look like? That thing is using some flawed science. I did it once and knew that website was on crack when it said I looked 68% like Jessica Alba. I’m black with a shaved head and I look like Jessica Alba? Stop taking those things to heart people, they are just for fun!
4.) What has happened to R&B? Seriously, what has happened to R&B?
5.) Women who talk about how gross coochies are, and how you could never put your tongue in something that looks so strange especially when you can’t tell if it’s clean… And then you turn around and say your boyfriend is selfish and won’t go down on you. No, no, no it doesn’t work like that! You NEVER, ever, ever hear guys talk about how nasty dicks are. I mean, come on women, you don’t think those images you so expertly describe don’t stick with men who hear the things you are talking about? YUCK! That is exactly what I think when women go on about funky coochies. Think about it for a second women. The penis is on the outside, you can see everything that’s going on with it. “Oh no. Oh hell muthfuggin’ no! What is that right there?? You know what I mean negro! That wart looking thing with the hair growing out of it.” For men we have to go off of smell and hope.
6.) What ever happened to Arsenio Hall??
7.) When I grow up, I want to be in charge of the governmental agency that awards research grants. Lately I have been reading about too many research studies that are only stating the obvious. You “scientists” are wasting good money! We could be giving that money to real researchers. Did we truly need a 3 year study costing $125,000 to find out eating fatty foods and not exercising is bad for you?? We already knew that! When I was 10 I knew eating fried chicken, fried pork chops, pound cake, green beans with fatback, Pizza Hut pizza with cheese in the crust, Whoppers with extra mayo and pints of Ben&Jerry’s Chunky Monkey then just sitting around watching TV could kill your ass. All I had to do was listen to how all my fat uncles would breathe even when they were just sitting around in chairs. They sounded like ghetto Darth Vaders with all that raspy intake. Didn’t need a government grant to know they weren’t going to live too much longer if they didn’t change something in their diet and move around a bit. Oh, and those studies they come out with every 2 or 3 years showing that if you have an “ethnic” sounding name you are less likely to get hired even if you have the same qualifications as a Jane Smith or Bob Williams. You think?? Well thank you Mr. Smarty Pants, I had no idea with America’s history that someone with a name like Tameka or DeAndre would have a harder time landing a job in corporate America. Wow, that $200,000 was well spent! Will the geniuses who recently completely the study in 2005 please stand up and take a boy for spending $176,890 to let us know smoking is bad for your health. Like the guy who has to hold that metal thing up to his throat to speak didn’t let us know that already? If I were in charge, I would want someone to study are there any naturally occurring substances we can take right before last call to prevent beer goggles so we don’t sleep with anyone hideous. Or, find out why when I have to pee, I can hold it all damn day with no problem, but as soon as I get within 3 feet of the toilet my bowels act like they are around kryptonite and lose their strength. I’m like a three year old dancing to undo my pants. Away from the toilet, I’m fine. Close to it and the pee act like they are illegal immigrants trying to run across the border to get away from INS agents. Find out why that happens and that will be grant worthy.
8.) Why do people forget that their cars have windows? They work both ways people. If you are diggin’ in your nose like you are trying to scratch the frontal lobe of your brain, chances are there are people staring at you doing it going “Eeeeeewwww!”. Have we become a society of people so self absorbed we aren’t aware of our surroundings?? I can see you trying to sing and dance to Justin Timberlake and it’s not working.
9.) I am fed up with rappers in songs talking about how when they didn’t have money no female wanted them, but now that they are on wax they got all the ladies. Dammit Mike Jones you aren’t a pimp. Those women are only Gold Diggers! If you don’t stay hot long, they will treat you the same damn way they did before you got on. Stop letting everybody know that you have no mic game! Being broke doesn’t mean you can’t attract women, just means you have to alter your approach! Believe me, going to a private university in Boston was not cheap. But I promise you my broke ass did OK in Boston, Ya heard! On the other hand, I know that Twista was a lonely young man back in the day.
10.) How can people with bad breath and long nose hairs not know they have bad breath and long nose hairs? Don’t you see people covering their noses and passing out when you get too close? Strangers on the subway offering you packs of gum?? Unless you are a vampire you have to look in the mirror at some point. You don’t see that forest coming out of your nose? Handle that man, that’s just nasty.
11.) What ever happened to the soda company that used to make the sodas in all those crazy flavors? I think it was RC Cola. They had Peach soda, Black Cherry Soda, Tropical Fruit soda, they even had a Mango Soda. When I was a kid, RC Cola was currency in the hood! You could pay kids to do anything with a Peach Soda and a cinnamon bun back in the day.
12.) I’m sorry, but white people, your ass rating privileges have been REVOKED! For EVER! How in the hell can you have a show in VH1 about celebrities who have the nicest ass and the top 5 aren’t all Latin or Black? Can someone please explain that one to me?? Kylie Minogue has a better ass then Vivica Fox or Halle Berry or anyone Puerto Rican for that matter? You people are on crack! How can people who don’t have the thing in question rate it? It’s like a bunch of blind men going around rating who has the prettiest eyes, makes absolutely no sense. I was watching this VH1 special wondering why it wasn’t just full of black and Latin entertainers. I’m not saying there aren’t some white women with bunz. I’m just saying it’s a rarity. There is a serious case of eye stigmatisms going around because white girls are going around saying they have “Ghetto Booties”. First of all you have never been to the ghetto, second of all it looks like you have a stack of books hidden in your jeans. That rectangle butt you got. Just sit down and leave it to the African and Columbian people to rate asses.
13.) What happened to Lauryn Hill? The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill is easily one of the greatest albums EVER. I shit you not from the first song to the last including the little intros with the students talking in the class is music at its FINEST. The video for Doo Wop still gets me hype. The split screen with the throw back Lauryn in the 60’s hairdo and the other side with the Hip Hop Lauryn? Off the meat rack!! What happened to her? I saw some photos of her recently on the internet….I thought it was Macy Gray! Nothing against Macy Gray, but Lauryn, baby, comb your hair before you leave the house. Are things so bad you have to smoke crack Lauryn? I’m not rich but I will send you some money to help you out girl. This one hurts cause I love me some Lauryn Hill.
14.) Had to add one more because it’s bad luck to end on 13 observations… My family is the greatest and I miss them more and more the longer I’m away from them.
AND THINGS TO MAKE YOU
SAY
Hhhhhmm……
These are things that have rattled around inside my brain the last month when I didn’t have my laptop. Some are observations, others questions and then there are those things that might just make you wonder…
1.) Gift certificates to restaurants, or more specifically, gift certificates to fast food restaurants. What in the hell is that about? You have to be one of the laziest, most uncreative muthafukkas in the world if you buy someone a gift certificate to McDonalds or Burger King. If someone gave me one of those things I would seriously have to ask them, “Are you out your damn mind?!” With all the stores and shops out there and the millions of gift options you went out and bought a free pass for artery clogging, rat shit infested, nothing real about it food? Unless you have given one of those things to a homeless person or someone morbidly obese you need to be shame! They even had commercials for these things on TV when I was back in the states for Christmas. Wanted to convince people it was ok to do. “I love you so I got you a certificate for a Big Mac Meal. But you have to pay for the Super Size yourself.” Next they’ll have gift certificates for hookers! “I couldn’t think of anything, so I got you this coupon to get a blowjob.” Wait. That might not be a bad idea actually. We could call them Hoepons, or Trickficates. I may be on to something here! “My boy got me a gift certificate for a handjob! Dat’s my nigga!” I’m just shaking my damn head cause I wouldn’t be surprised if soon we all get a message about this really happening somewhere in like Chicago or Memphis.
2.) People who get upset if you are online talking to someone else at the same time. I mean, it’s not like a phone call where you can’t speak to two people at once. If you would be a little more patient then everything would be fine. I have traveled quite a bit and have made more than a few friends. What makes you think, you not being my girlfriend and all, that I’m going to forsake them, and don’t forget my family as well, to ONLY speak with you when I actually am able to get online?? You have GOT to be a little more realistic on this one.
3.) If your screen name has sexy, fine, dime, or some other “clever” insinuation that you look good, are a catch or are on a higher level than other people, i.e. “2good4U”, “UcantHANDLEthis”, “2flyshorty”, etc, etc. You had better make damn sure that what you are implying is true. If I see one more obese bitch with a name like “OuttaYOleague” or something else like that, I will start to call you out. This is getting ridiculous with all these people out of touch with reality. How can anyone in their right mind put up a photo of Alicia Keys on their page and say they look like Alicia Keys. I mean, if you admire her singing that’s one thing, love her sense of style is another. But heffa, you are so black you are purple, are so fat you look like you ATE Alicia Keys but somehow you have convinced yourself that people will be able to see the resemblance… Oh, on another note, that website where you upload a photo and it tells you which celebs you look like? That thing is using some flawed science. I did it once and knew that website was on crack when it said I looked 68% like Jessica Alba. I’m black with a shaved head and I look like Jessica Alba? Stop taking those things to heart people, they are just for fun!
4.) What has happened to R&B? Seriously, what has happened to R&B?
5.) Women who talk about how gross coochies are, and how you could never put your tongue in something that looks so strange especially when you can’t tell if it’s clean… And then you turn around and say your boyfriend is selfish and won’t go down on you. No, no, no it doesn’t work like that! You NEVER, ever, ever hear guys talk about how nasty dicks are. I mean, come on women, you don’t think those images you so expertly describe don’t stick with men who hear the things you are talking about? YUCK! That is exactly what I think when women go on about funky coochies. Think about it for a second women. The penis is on the outside, you can see everything that’s going on with it. “Oh no. Oh hell muthfuggin’ no! What is that right there?? You know what I mean negro! That wart looking thing with the hair growing out of it.” For men we have to go off of smell and hope.
6.) What ever happened to Arsenio Hall??
7.) When I grow up, I want to be in charge of the governmental agency that awards research grants. Lately I have been reading about too many research studies that are only stating the obvious. You “scientists” are wasting good money! We could be giving that money to real researchers. Did we truly need a 3 year study costing $125,000 to find out eating fatty foods and not exercising is bad for you?? We already knew that! When I was 10 I knew eating fried chicken, fried pork chops, pound cake, green beans with fatback, Pizza Hut pizza with cheese in the crust, Whoppers with extra mayo and pints of Ben&Jerry’s Chunky Monkey then just sitting around watching TV could kill your ass. All I had to do was listen to how all my fat uncles would breathe even when they were just sitting around in chairs. They sounded like ghetto Darth Vaders with all that raspy intake. Didn’t need a government grant to know they weren’t going to live too much longer if they didn’t change something in their diet and move around a bit. Oh, and those studies they come out with every 2 or 3 years showing that if you have an “ethnic” sounding name you are less likely to get hired even if you have the same qualifications as a Jane Smith or Bob Williams. You think?? Well thank you Mr. Smarty Pants, I had no idea with America’s history that someone with a name like Tameka or DeAndre would have a harder time landing a job in corporate America. Wow, that $200,000 was well spent! Will the geniuses who recently completely the study in 2005 please stand up and take a boy for spending $176,890 to let us know smoking is bad for your health. Like the guy who has to hold that metal thing up to his throat to speak didn’t let us know that already? If I were in charge, I would want someone to study are there any naturally occurring substances we can take right before last call to prevent beer goggles so we don’t sleep with anyone hideous. Or, find out why when I have to pee, I can hold it all damn day with no problem, but as soon as I get within 3 feet of the toilet my bowels act like they are around kryptonite and lose their strength. I’m like a three year old dancing to undo my pants. Away from the toilet, I’m fine. Close to it and the pee act like they are illegal immigrants trying to run across the border to get away from INS agents. Find out why that happens and that will be grant worthy.
8.) Why do people forget that their cars have windows? They work both ways people. If you are diggin’ in your nose like you are trying to scratch the frontal lobe of your brain, chances are there are people staring at you doing it going “Eeeeeewwww!”. Have we become a society of people so self absorbed we aren’t aware of our surroundings?? I can see you trying to sing and dance to Justin Timberlake and it’s not working.
9.) I am fed up with rappers in songs talking about how when they didn’t have money no female wanted them, but now that they are on wax they got all the ladies. Dammit Mike Jones you aren’t a pimp. Those women are only Gold Diggers! If you don’t stay hot long, they will treat you the same damn way they did before you got on. Stop letting everybody know that you have no mic game! Being broke doesn’t mean you can’t attract women, just means you have to alter your approach! Believe me, going to a private university in Boston was not cheap. But I promise you my broke ass did OK in Boston, Ya heard! On the other hand, I know that Twista was a lonely young man back in the day.
10.) How can people with bad breath and long nose hairs not know they have bad breath and long nose hairs? Don’t you see people covering their noses and passing out when you get too close? Strangers on the subway offering you packs of gum?? Unless you are a vampire you have to look in the mirror at some point. You don’t see that forest coming out of your nose? Handle that man, that’s just nasty.
11.) What ever happened to the soda company that used to make the sodas in all those crazy flavors? I think it was RC Cola. They had Peach soda, Black Cherry Soda, Tropical Fruit soda, they even had a Mango Soda. When I was a kid, RC Cola was currency in the hood! You could pay kids to do anything with a Peach Soda and a cinnamon bun back in the day.
12.) I’m sorry, but white people, your ass rating privileges have been REVOKED! For EVER! How in the hell can you have a show in VH1 about celebrities who have the nicest ass and the top 5 aren’t all Latin or Black? Can someone please explain that one to me?? Kylie Minogue has a better ass then Vivica Fox or Halle Berry or anyone Puerto Rican for that matter? You people are on crack! How can people who don’t have the thing in question rate it? It’s like a bunch of blind men going around rating who has the prettiest eyes, makes absolutely no sense. I was watching this VH1 special wondering why it wasn’t just full of black and Latin entertainers. I’m not saying there aren’t some white women with bunz. I’m just saying it’s a rarity. There is a serious case of eye stigmatisms going around because white girls are going around saying they have “Ghetto Booties”. First of all you have never been to the ghetto, second of all it looks like you have a stack of books hidden in your jeans. That rectangle butt you got. Just sit down and leave it to the African and Columbian people to rate asses.
13.) What happened to Lauryn Hill? The MisEducation of Lauryn Hill is easily one of the greatest albums EVER. I shit you not from the first song to the last including the little intros with the students talking in the class is music at its FINEST. The video for Doo Wop still gets me hype. The split screen with the throw back Lauryn in the 60’s hairdo and the other side with the Hip Hop Lauryn? Off the meat rack!! What happened to her? I saw some photos of her recently on the internet….I thought it was Macy Gray! Nothing against Macy Gray, but Lauryn, baby, comb your hair before you leave the house. Are things so bad you have to smoke crack Lauryn? I’m not rich but I will send you some money to help you out girl. This one hurts cause I love me some Lauryn Hill.
14.) Had to add one more because it’s bad luck to end on 13 observations… My family is the greatest and I miss them more and more the longer I’m away from them.
OK you trippin' Lauryn Hill's new natural curly fro is HOTT!!
ReplyDeleteWell at least here it is : http://www.aceshowbiz.com/images/events/SGS-028275.jpg
(Especially since I got one and happy to be nappy too negro! lol)
Another, what kinda women you chatting it up with that talks bad about about their own private anatomy?! Tacky hoes! Coochie(as you so eloquently put it)is BEAUTIFUL! We have babies and make men happy with it! lol I would never talk bad about my stuff lol.
Let's see what else I wanna get you for .. oh yes !
So black they purple?? And?? What's wrong with that? Whatever happened to blacker the berry the sweeter the juice?
P.S. What the hell is Fatback?
Ooh! Ooh! Talk about the girl who jumped in the Polar Bear tank at the Berlin Zoo next ! lol WTF?!
ReplyDelete