I SAUNA THINK THIS IS WEIRD...

With all of my travels, I have concluded that weird is all a matter of perspective. Depending on the perspective, perfectly normal every day activities can seem so out of the ordinary, they shock you into silence. While the most random and unsettling events can seem entirely mundane. Now, the prism we all look through to judge what is abnormal and normal is culture. In my culture, I expect the TV and radio to be on with no one watching or listening and full-blown conversations carried out. In my culture, it will raise no eyebrows in curiosity if one wears socks with sandals. ;-) Really all just depends on where you were born and what you were taught to be accustomed to in your life. In saying that, it’s just sooo freakin weird how Germans won’t cross the street on pedestrian red lights when NO cars are in sight, but will go into co-ed saunas butt ass naked with perfect strangers with no problem at all.

Yes, I know I have mentioned this strange practice previously.. However, this is the first time I decided to observe this odd occurrence up close and personal! Yes, on Saturday, November 1, 2008, I Carl went into a sauna. And let me tell you, I sauna think it was WEIRD.

I don’t usually go to the gym on Saturdays unless I miss a training day during the week. But, for personal reasons I needed to burn off some steam and figured the gym was a good place. Now, I didn’t intend to try out the sauna before I arrived at the gym, or even while I worked out. The idea just popped into my head while getting ready to shower and figured, why not. If I were ever going to go into the sauna, Saturday afternoon at my gym would be the perfect time. There is hardly anyone there at all. Hence, even less people would be in the sauna!

Ok, so I have tried a sauna before so I kinda sorta had an idea of what to expect. In New Zealand the gym I used had a sauna, but it was right next to the pool so people had on swim suits!! A naked co-ed sauna?? It was a first. The set-up of my gym is that you go into a door connected to the men’s changing room to get to the sauna area. There is hallway that contains individual rooms for the tanning beds. I opened up that door and saw two women. They were in towels, but it still scared the shit out of me! It kinda hit me that I was going to be around naked women I didn’t know and was expected not to stare or touch! I chickened out! I ran back into the men’s changing room. I didn’t expect to see women so soon, even if they were covered! I needed time to get my courage back up. I took a deep breath after a few minutes, and went through the door again. This time, no one was in the hallway. I took a few tentative steps down the hallway and saw the door marked, SAUNA. That was my destination. So I held my breath and walked to the door and walked in. Don’t ask why I held my breath. It just seemed the right thing to do. Maybe subconsciously I thought co-ed saunas stank and I was preparing myself. With all of that boodiussy around you never know. Booty + Dick + Pussy = Boodiussy

I walked in and the first thing I saw. I mean FIRST thing were those two women sitting, covered, in the “prep” area and this old man coming out of one of the sauna rooms.. naked. He was so old that his ball sack had lost all of its elasticity. I kid you not that they were hanging halfway down his thighs. And these two women were just sitting there! I almost gagged and they just kept on chatting away like they didn’t have a man who looked like a character from an Austin Powers film directly in front of them! I had to regroup so I sat in the “prep” area also. The “prep” area is some benches you can sit on while you take a break from the saunas. I also needed to think about what I was going to do! I didn’t know the protocols, or the procedures! I finally said fuck it and went into one of the saunas. It was a dry sauna and thank God, there was no one inside. I sat myself down and immediately, I mean IMMEDIATELY I started to sweat. It’s fuckin hot in those things! Seriously people, if you have never been in a sauna it’s not a heat you get used to. It’s instantaneously cook a muthafugga heat once you sit down. I had the EXACT same thought in that sauna as I had when I sat in my first one in New Zealand… “Carl, what exactly is yo black ass doing in here?!?!?” and my second thought was exactly the same as in New Zealand as well, “Why the fuck do white people do this???” Then they had this green mood light thing with crickets and birds playing in the background. Like that shit was going to take my mind off of this damn heat! What they needed was piped in screams of agony and anguish, evil laughter and a demonic voice repeating over and over, “You’re in heeeeell ha ha ha haaaa!!” Sweat just poured off my body. I looked like Kunta from Roots when he ran away the first time. I was just blinded by sweat. I wiped the sweat out of my eyes and saw one of those old-fashioned buckets next to me with a dipper. You know the thing you dip into the water to drink. I thought that was a GREAT idea! All that sweat makes a person get dehydrated real quick. So, my dumb ass picked up the dipper and scooped me up some water. People, it wasn’t water to drink! It had chemical strength mint shit in it. Almost poisoned myself to death! So I’m hotter than bitch, got sweat in my eye and poisoned. GREAT! I then figured, it must be to pour over your body to get some of the sweat off. Duh! I know that’s what the shower is for but when you are in heat that extreme it makes you retarded. I decided to pour the water over myself to cool down. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking! How could I cool down with water that was IN the sauna with me?? Only thing I managed to do was have myself smelling like a damn Mint Julep. I said fuuuuuuuck this and went to take a shower. Now, I was told that the best thing to do is to take a cold shower upon leaving the sauna because it’s great for your skin. I did that and completely forgot about shrinkage. Now, shrinkage for all you Europeans is that man’s penis becomes a turtle when it’s exposed to the cold. It literally tries to stick it’s head into the shell. SHIT! So I’m naked in the shower, which is not a private shower by the way. There is no door and two showers in the room so man or woman could come in at any time. I also hear the two women out there still! Shit shit shit! Maybe it’s the Virgo in me, but I was NOT going to let two women I did not know see me when I was not at my best. I decided to stay in the shower hoping they would leave soon. But, I was aware if I turned the water off and staid in the shower, people might get the wrong idea! My black ass almost caught hyperthermia! There was ONLY cold water so I couldn’t even make the water warmer while waiting for those heffas to leave. I’m shivering in the shower stall, with my lips turning blue waiting them out. They FINALLY left so I could come out.

I decided to relax a bit in the “prep” area for a bit to recover. This guy who looked to be about my age came in and went into the shower area. I mean, I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality to say he was a nice looking guy, well built. But he was prancing around the sauna area COMPLETELY naked after he took his shower! I mean, if he was John Holmes or something fine. But he shoulda kept himself covered up if you know what I mean. The thing is, this young couple came in after that and this guy is still walking around naked and this girl is in there! What’s the point of having single-sex changing rooms if you are going to see the people naked in the sauna?? I don’t want every guy in the gym knowing what my lady looks like butt naked! There’s no more mystery after that! And you KNOW people talk! “Man, it’s 5pm on Wednesday, this is when Sara usually goes into the Sauna let’s go!” or “Giiirl, Simba goes into the sauna about this time, we need to go see his fine ass, let’s go!” Makes no damn sense to me! Anyway, the couple went through this OTHER door. I wanted to go back into the sauna again but thought I’d check out what behind that door later. So I went into the sauna again, alone. Immediately I’m drenched in sweat again. However, this time I tried to use the heat! I tried to stretch a little and clear my mind and meditate… That shit did not work one bit! My legs were involuntarily twitching and I was antsy. I couldn’t sit still! It was like my limbs realized we weren’t being made to stay in that damn heat and wanted to get the fuck out. I really really tried to meditate. It didn’t work! They say that sweating like that gets rid of impurities in your skin. Well sweating like that also makes your brain get rid of impurities. I was almost crying in that bitch thinking about the time I didn’t share cookies with my sister. Or the time I tricked my little brother into thinking lemon dish washing soap was yellow kool-aid. All this old shit came rushing into my thoughts and made me all emotional! Dammitt!! I woulda burst out crying if another person didn’t come into the sauna at that moment, was this fat Turkish guy. He earned points from me cause he kept his towel wrapped around him like I did. However, the two German guys that came in after him did not. Those bastards put their towels down and laid down naked on top of them. I have issues of trust, and having a naked man behind me in a sauna is not going to improve that at all. So I got up and left. Took another freezing cold shower and went to check out this other room that couple went into. I walked in and there were these nice long chairs to lie down on and all these rooms! I was kinda wanted to open up one of the rooms to see what was inside. But that couple? They were sitting naked on one of the chairs.. together in a way that I could not tell if they were having sex or not. I mean, there was a towel covering their private parts. However…I felt uncomfortable. I looked at the clock and did the whole, “Oh! Is that the time? Gotta go!” I broke out and left them to it.

So, I’m back in the safety of the men’s changing room and assume I don’t have to worry about naked women or couples maybe having sex on the benches. Then, the cleaning lady walks in. Now, normally at my gym, the cleaning ladies they use are all ladies AT LEAT in their early 50’s who look like they’ve had a few kids. In other words, it’s whatever when you see them in the men’s changing rooms cleaning. I still don’t get undressed around them, but I don’t even think of it to walk around in my underwear. THIS day? There was this 20 year old in skin tight jeans, curves to fill them out with full pouty lips. She was fwine! What the fuck are they doing?? Why would they send a girl that looks like that into the men’s changing room? I had to take another cold shower! Fuckers! They did that shit on purpose!

After this experience, I a very good friend of mine, German called me and I told her of my experience and asked her why don’t they just have co-ed changing rooms. She said that.. well, she could see my point on why have single sex if you see the people naked in the sauna. However, in the sauna, you don’t bend over like you do in the changing room to put on clothes. Hhhmm… so bending over is the line that Germans don’t cross? I can see you naked, but if I see you naked while bending over that’s crossing a line! Man, that’s just weird…