OBSERVATIONS ON HAVING A (SMALL) DOG

If you don’t know me, then me having a dog isn’t really so impressive. I mean, millions upon millions of people have dogs all over the world! It’s not like I’m the Dalai Lama and took some vow to never own a dog and I’m now breaking that vow making it worldwide news. It’s not even like my dog is really all that special. He wasn’t given to me by aliens; he doesn’t even do any amazing tricks like that dog that dances salsa I’ve seen on youtube. What’s pretty mind-boggling when you get down to the core is that for the last 10 years of my life, I have been constantly traversing the globe. I mean country hopping in every sense of the word. Now? I have a little bundle of responsibility! I have to plan my days and evenings! I have to watch where I step in my own apartment! Madness I tell you. So, in having this fluffy invader around me 24/7 I’ve noticed a few things…

1.) I have observed how gullible I am. I mean I’m gullible to the Nth degree. Let me give you the short version of how I ended up with my dog, AKA Chewy, AKA Pissy & Licky, AKA Pee on every damn object he passes. This friend of mine has a dog. Her dog escaped for some hours and a few months later everyone realized, “We know what SHE was doing when she ran off!” This said friend waited until her dog had the puppies to implement her strategy! First off, I was thinking of getting a dog, however, I was certain I didn’t want a small dog. My friend used the argument, “Well, we don’t really know who the father is so there is the POSSIBILITY the puppies will be much bigger than my dog is.” Mind you, her dog is a Havana Silk Terrier. Ever heard of those? Me either! But they are small! Not purse size, but not much bigger either! THEN she starts to post photos of the puppy she wants me to have on my facebook page. But she was SLICK with it! She would post photos where the dog wasn’t next to anything that would give me some comparison of his size. He was always next to the other puppies or on his own. Never next to a table, or a tree, or a damn cell phone! Just him.. with his cute self! I’m not made of stone! Only a monster could resist cute puppy photos posted on their facebook page! I did hold out as long as I could by saying I needed to meet him first before I made a decision. My friend agreed. She comes over with this cute little carry bag. Me being a gentleman I take the bag from her, it’s not a big bag, but it’s kinda heavy! I’m thinking, if he’s this heavy, he can’t be sooo small and will surely grow! NOT! The bag was heavy because every damn puppy was in that freakin bag! She put the bag down; opened it up and 4 puppies ran in every direction in my apartment. Hairy lightning bolts running around to mess up stuff. But the 5^th, he left the bag and came directly to me, raised his little furry head, stood up on his hind legs (reaching up to my ankle) and literally begged for me to pick him up. DAMMITT! I know they planned that shit! I know they had to have planned it! I melted! So NOT gangsta I know. But from that moment on, I had a dog.

2.) My second observation? I am sooooooooo not ready to be a parent! I don’t know how parents do it! I just had ONE puppy and it completely turned my life upside down. It started taking me TWICE as long to be HALF as productive! And I can leave my dog home alone for a little while. If that were a baby they’d throw me in jail. Thank God for small favors. In saying that though, there are some things that dog owners have to deal with that parents NEVER would imagine having to consider. Number 1 on the list of things parents never have to worry about.. A baby can’t hide his piss and shit all over the house and will never pee on important papers or computer bags. Seriously! My dog NOW is trained to use a cat litter box which is a beautiful thing when I can’t get back in time to walk him. BEFORE he got used to it? I want a scientist to find out how to dogs determine where they are going to take a shit. My hypothesis? They take shits in the exact places you will not see it and step in it. That’s my theory. I am convinced he would do complicated geometry calculations to figure out the exact placement of the poop for maximum effect. Or they poop in the most random ass places so you don’t know they’ve actually shit, but you can smell it. Then you are playing scavenger hunt in your own apartment with a pile of kaka as the prize. I can’t tell you the number of times I was on my hands and knees in my apartment crawling around mumbling to myself, “I know I smell shit. I know that can’t be me either cause I changed my draws today.” Then when you find it, it’s an AHA and EWW moment all rolled into one. And what the HELL is the chemical make-up of doggy pee?? My dog pissed on my computer bag ONCE! It still smells like pee. I’ve washed it 3 times, left it outside during an entire winter to air out, sprayed it with disinfectant, nothing works. I still smell that damn pee. And I’m not imagining it! Chanced it once and used the bag and people were just sniffing on the subway talking about, “I smell pee. You smell that? I know I smell pee. Somebody peed on themselves.” Waste of a perfectly good computer bag in my opinion. Guess he doesn’t like technology. Oh, I can’t EVEN forget that my dog refused to use the cat toilet at first so I read some geniuses advice online that you shouldn’t take them outside EVER until they pee where you want them to. Someone track him down using his IP address and shoot him in the left buttocks please! I didn’t take the poor dog outside for like 2 ½ days! I was thinking of calling Guinness Book of World Records to ask about the longest a dog has gone without taking a piss! Then I thought, waaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute. So I started the scavenger hunt again! Something told me to move my sofa. Sure enough! My little midget of a dog was going UNDER the sofa to take his pisses! I KNEW I had smelled piss! There was a freakin Lake Geneva of urine under my sofa! You little furry bastard! And that’s another thing! You can’t really yell at a dog. There is absolutely no point at all. A little kid will at least understand something you are saying to them. You know what a dog hears when you scold them? “Blah blah blah blah! Blah blah blah CHEWY! Blah blah blah blaaaahblah Chewy blah!” That’s it! That’s all they understand! Their name and nothing else! And the poor animal is just confused as all out doors. The last thing a parent never has to worry about? The walks! Every owner knows what I’m talking about. Forget the mail man, it’s dog owners who are dependable! Rain, hail, sleet or snow you see our dumb butts outside trying to coax a four legged animal to do his business faster so we can go inside where it’s warm. NO parent EVER has to wake up at odd hours AND get dressed to go outside. The ONE time a dog owner decides to be lazy and not take his dog outside, poo-poo scavenger hunt time!

3.) I know there are many people who are convinced they are enlightened souls. You are all walking around touting how open-minded you are, how much you accept people from all races, religions and creeds. Well that’s all goes OUT the window when you see a man walk by with a small dog. I can NOT tell you how ignorant people can be! Actually, I can and of course I am going to tell you. If I had a nickel for every person who’s said to me, “You need a bigger dog; he’s too small for you.” I’d have enough money for a Starbucks Grande low fat milk mocha chai latte AND a slice of New York cheese cake. If you’ve been to Starbucks, you know how expensive they are so that is a decent sum of money. At first, I laughed off those comments. But after months of, “He’s sooo obviously gay.” and “That’s your girlfriend’s dog right?” I started to get salty with people! This homeless lady would say, “You need another dog, he’s too small for you.” EVERY single time I saw her. I mean, is there anything else you can say?? Maybe her brain was so fried she was always forgetting the black man with a small dog and it was always a new experience for her when she saw me. Finally one day I couldn’t take it anymore and snapped back, “You need another job, because obviously the begging ain’t working out for you.” There is this park near my apartment I take my dog to when the weather is nice. It’s a huge park and he can run til his heart is content, or he runs out of energy, whichever comes first. This random woman saw me from waaaaaaaaay across the park. I mean, this ain’t no normal park people! This park is so big it’s like a nature preserve, the Serengeti or something. She half walked-half jogged her butt aaaaaaaaall the way where I was at with Chewy to say to me, “I know that ain’t yo dog! It must be your girlfriend dog right?” I calmly replied that indeed it was my dog. She then proceeded to say, “Boy! You know you need a bigger dog!” Not sure why it came into my head, but so glad it did, I stated in my best deadpan voice, “Well, I thought it would be interesting to have a dog that was the same size as my dick. Would save me and women I meet a lot of time wondering” Then I raised one eyebrow in a “Now ya know!” salute and continued on my walk with Chewy. Still mental to me though how we as people have these preconceived notions about something as simple as dog size equating masculinity and we hold on to them for dear life. Get with it people, it ain’t that serious!

4.) You know, it’s not all bad having a dog, there are quite a few positives. They say people who own a pet live longer than people who don’t, which, I don’t get seeing all the walks I’ve taken in sub zero temperatures and pouring down rain, but hey. But one thing having a dog has improved is my knowledge of the neighborhood. People with dogs are the ones to ask about new restaurants, bars, shops and anything new going up in your hood. I’ve lived in my apartment for ooooh, at least 3 years. Can’t tell you the number of times I walked past things with my dog saying, “When did they put this here?” or “We have THIS in the neighborhood!?” or even, “This has GOT to be new!”. Walking a dog puts you out there in the neighborhood! I now have a new favorite café, I have like 3 bars now I can check out and a slew of new eateries to sample. All thanks to my dog! Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to be treated like a returning conquering hero every time I walk in the door either ;-)