COLD TURKEY

A woman I dated before revealed to me once how much she hated my blogs. She couldn’t comprehend my desire to reveal any part of myself to the outside world. I found her visceral reaction quite confusing seeing as the majority of my blogs up until that point were based on my observations of the many countries I’ve visited. I open with that memory because for some strange unexplainable reason, the journey I’m about to embark on and openly share with you as it unfolds gives me a small perverse sense of pleasure that she would loathe my new entries… in your eye you Polish witch!

Now, the details, the unveiling of me, the mystery explained… You know, a magician will always tell you people aren’t impressed with the actual trick itself, the public drives themselves mad attempting to explain the act. That’s what keeps the audiences returning. Explain the unknown and you lose the power to captivate. Luckily, I’m no magician and I’m more than willing these days to stop driving people mad.

I've never been faithful to a girlfriend or anyone I've seriously dated in my life, EVER. Trust me when I say there is no boasting whatsoever in that statement. It has caused me and a few women I hold in the highest esteem an immeasurable amount of pain and heartache. I've lost best friends, confidants and soul mates over my indiscretions. I can’t say I regret anything because my past actions have made me who I am today, however, what I feel when I look back on my transgressions comes pretty damn close. The explanation for why I was always unfaithful? That is for another blog when I’m feeling less sensitive to potential slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. What I want to express now is that I’ve changed. Ok, let me rephrase that, I now posses a desire to change so strongly it has superseded everything else in my life. For the first time in my adult life, I have consciously made a choice to be a better man free of self-doubt, insecurities and a squewed ego and be whole, selfless and true. I’ve made real progress since I’ve begun this journey. However, a dear, and sadistic, friend of mine brought to my attention that I still need to change the pattern. I have to break the cycle I always allow myself to be drawn into. I use sex and the pursuit of sex as a salve for bruised heart and a temporary boost for a deflated ego. She argued if I honestly am serious about profound change and not superficial, my entire program needs to be rebooted and rewritten. Her suggestion? No sex for 90 days. What does a man who has started this painful journey of true self discovery say to this radical recommendation? “Me?! With no sex for 90 days!?! Surely you jest you deranged woman!” Me not having sex is like, well it’s like me not being Carl! But when you get right to the heart of the matter, isn’t that part of my problem? Being Carl, had entailed using sex in unhealthy ways to distract me from real issues I needed to confront. Wow. Never broke it down like that before. Next I did what any person who has had a moment of true enlightenment does, I attempted to negotiate! “What if I only put the tip in?? I mean, the tip being in for like 3 seconds doesn’t count right?? No blowjobs?? What about bad blowjobs?? No oral sex at all??? I can’t even GIVE oral sex?? Kissing?? Am I allowed to kiss?? For the LOVE of GOD kissing has GOT to be allowed!!” The last question prompted my friend to quip, “Well, knowing you like I do… very limited kissing should be allowed.” Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!! The magnitude of this endeavor is not lost even on my feeble brain. No activities or behavior I engaged in previously to prevent real personal growth are permitted. Let me tell you I REALLY enjoyed those activities.. those wonderful, exquisite, delightful activities (sigh). So there it is. I, Carl White, beginning from January 28^th, 2011 have started a period of celibacy to last a continuous period of 90 days. I know this will be doubly hard as I’m now the healthiest emotionally I’ve been in years. I know the positive energy I’m emitting will surely attract cool, intelligent, funny and carefree women who love to have sex... Wait!! We didn’t talk about masturbation! Criiiiiiiiiiiiiistinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

So, near the end of day one I receive this sms from my dominatrix in training friend, “Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.” Very poignant quote that fits my situation to a “T”, but as great as this quote is, I can’t fuck it. So the journey begins… end of Day 1.