OBSERVATIONS OF CHEWY

By now I hope you’ve read my observations on a (small) dog. Those observations were extremely general. They could be about any (small) dog. Now it’s time to talk about MY (small) dog, CHEWY!

The person who gave Chewy to me specifically stated she felt Chewy and I would be a great match because we were so much alike. I took that as a compliment at first… Now!? Not so sure about that. If it’s true that a dog reflects their owners, then I’m just weird. What I’ve observed about Chewy is..

1.) I understand as a small dog you have to be more aware of things in a world where 99% of things are bigger than you. However, Chewy is afraid of the most random stuff! Squeaky toys, Chewy is afraid of squeaky toys. I can understand him not LIKING squeaky toys as the sound is hella annoying. But AFRAID of them? Don’t get it at all. Before Chewy came to live with me, I went out and bought all these doggy things for him, as a good dog owner should. One of the things I bought was a rubber chicken that squeaks when you press it. Maaaaan, I took that thing out and before I even squeezed it Chewy was looking at me like, “I know that’s not what I think it is!” The first squeeze made his ears stand straight up, he leaned away as far as he could from me and lifted his butt up in preparation. Preparation?? Yes, preparation for the second squeeze. When I pressed that damn chicken a second time Chewy was OUT! Ran his ass right under my sofa. Actually, I have these fake wood linoleum floors so Chewy couldn’t get traction at first. He looked like Scooby Doo with his legs moving real fast but not moving anywhere. It took me 15 minutes and 3 of his favorite snacks to coax him out from under my sofa, poor dog. After that I called my friend and she told me, “Oooh yeah, he’s afraid of squeaky toys.” You think??

The other thing Chewy is afraid of is plastic bags. Not just big plastic bags which I can see. I mean, it does make a lot of noise when I shake out a new bag to put in the trash can so him freaking out over that is understandable. What is NOT understandable is him being afraid of the little poop bags. Little poop bags Chewy? You are so NOT gangsta! When I’m trying to get up his smelly business, Chewy is pulling as hard as a can on the leash acting like he’s having a conniption fit to get away from the plastic bag. Really Chewy, relax, take a deep breath, plastic poop bags don’t bite.

This next fear of Chewy truly confuses me on every level. Chewy is downright terrified of me putting on his winter jacket. He’s not afraid of the jacket or sweater or whatever I put on him in itself, only when I go to put it on him. I can put the jacket or sweater next to him and he’s whatever about it. Pick it up and I move towards him and he’s trembling from fear. I could sorta kinda see if the jackets were ugly, but they aren’t! They are chic as HELL! One is this black hoody pullover with silver skull and crossbones all over it, another is this button up Army camouflage jacket and he even has this other little army camouflage shirt that says PUNK on the bag. That’s some gangsta ish man! Oh, oh, he even has this other jacket with a fur collar. Chewy is seriously flossin when he has that thing on! But he’s terrified of them! Do you think in a former life he was a mental patient and they remind him of the straitjackets they used to put him in?? Cause Chewy is crazy so anything is possible. I mean, when I put it on him, he starts running around in circles in my apartment and acting real weird. He’s so small he is shivering in 45 seconds if I don’t put him in something so I have to make him wear something. But as soon as we get outside, he’s all fine! He’s running around without a care in the world. Explain that one please!

The last thing Chewy is afraid of defies all explanations. If someone has a logical reason for Chewy’s last fear I’m all ears. My dog, Chewy, is afraid of riding in a car. Yes, you read it right! Chewy is afraid of riding in cars. Has anyone ever heard of a dog being afraid to ride in a car?? A dog being afraid to ride is like hearing about a black man who doesn’t like a big behind on a woman. If a person told you, you wouldn’t believe them! Chewy detests riding in cars like Republicans hate fair elections… I mean, can’t be because he hardly rides in a car can it? Maybe he was a cat in a former life or something? Madness I tell ya.

2.) Next thing I’ve observed about Chewy is.. and as a parent it really pains me to say this, but I know it’s true. Chewy is a straight nerd. He is the Steve Urkel of dogs. He is! None of the other dogs in the neighborhood really like Chewy. After comparing Chewy’s behavior to other dogs, I get it, I do get it. Chewy is too.. well… he’s too.. He’s just too much Chewy too soon! People LOVE how Chewy is all excited to meet someone new and all friendly licking them all over, which pisses me off but I’ll speak about that later. Dogs, they hate that shit. TRUST me. Chewy doesn’t just sniff a dogs ass, he literally licks it. As a “parent”, I’m always like, “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew Chewy! You are SO not licking me with that tongue after this!!” After about ooooh, 2 seconds, dogs get PISSED at Chewy and try to bite him. When I take Chewy to the dog park and I hear a dog growling and barking at another dog, I know Chewy is involved because he pissed off some other dog. A strange thing is, Chewy does not hump your leg, EVER. Doesn’t do it and seems to have no interest in sex, UNTIL when a female is around. Even if other male dogs are around who aren’t trying to mount the female dog, Chewy is. Even when the female dog has bitten Chewy repeatedly, he’s still trying. I’m all for persistence, but damn Chewy take a hint! She ain’t interested! I don’t know why, but it is so damn embarrassing to having your little ass dog chasing a female Cujo around a park trying to climb up her hind legs to have sex. I have to physically go and remove his lil horny ass from the other dog and leave the area. I mean, where does he get that from, this unnatural pursuit of sex that supersedes everything in his brain except copulate?? Where could he possibly have gotten that from? It’s like he’s seen it before and he’s trying to mimic the same actions or something..Madness I tell ya.

The other thing I think that makes Chewy so damn nerdy is his lack of doggy senses. I mean, he can smell great and see amazingly, but it’s his lack of that innate ability to get a feel for a situation that does Chewy in every single time. I will have Chewy off of the leash in the park and he’ll see another dog. His ears will go straight up, his body language switches to, “What’s this!?!?! Another dog’s ass to lick!?!? Yippee!!” He gets all excited.. I’m behind him thinking, “Chewy, that dog looks like it’s having a really bad day. Maybe you should let that one go.” Not Chewy, he literally BOUNDS over to this other dog that is walking like they just got fired from their job as a guard dog and found out their wife is sleeping with his best friend. If you’ve seen Chewy, then you know he really bounds! He looks like a fairy size gazelle or something when he runs. It’s almost heartbreaking to see him so shocked when the other dog snaps and chases him away. But he doesn’t learn! He keeps on doing the same thing with every dog! How can a dog so damn smart have no power of recall?? If I a human can tell a dog is not in a Chewy kinda mood, then Chewy should certainly be able to tell, but he can’t. Or, he doesn’t give a fuuuuuuuuck! “You gonna love me dammit!!” LOL!

3.) I believe Chewy has a bladder problem. How else can you explain a dog the size of a smurf needing to pee on every damn thing in sight? I know it’s not normal either! I had Chewy’s brother Brutus for a couple of days one time.. Lord let me tell you that is an observation in itself too! But having the two of them around, I saw that behavior Chewy engaged in, Brutus didn’t engage in. Then I started looking a little closer at other dogs peeing habits. I mean, out of 10 trees, the average dog will pee on about 4 trees. Chewy?? He will pee on all 10 trees, plus the garbage can, plus the old McDonald’s bag, plus the park bench and just for good measure; he’ll pee on another dog. THAT is Chewy. I shit you not, Chewy is into Golden Showers. I’ve seen him pee on other dogs before. I’m sure there is some psychological reason for it, but I haven’t quite found out what it is yet. Until then, I’m going to go with Chewy is a damn freak and I swear he’s NEVER ever everevereverever seen me doing no mess like that! Peeing on other dogs on purpose?? Chewy (shaking my damn head).

I’m thinking I’ll break these observations into two parts. Chewy is just so, Chewy so I gotta get this stuff out so the world can tell me if I’m the weird one for thinking Chewy is weird, or he really is from another planet.