WEDNESDAY

It was 1:43am and I had long given up trying to sleep. I had tried counting everything, focusing on releasing energy, meditating, all of it. My brain was so preoccupied I didn’t even realize I’d left my hallway door open and Chewy had slipped into my bedroom. This normally would be met with a swift rebuke, but I hardly noticed until I changed my position from staring at the ceiling to surveying the clutter in my bedroom and my eyes locked on Chewy, who was half concealed in the jeans I’d stepped out of earlier. For a second, I believed I was only in a strange dream about not being able to sleep and Chewy was some symbolic representation I’d have to decipher once awake. When I raised my head slightly, Chewy saw this as an invitation and stood at the edge of the mattress whining to be petted and played with. I glanced at the clock again and figured a walk would do both Chewy and I some good. Chewy was overjoyed of course; unexpected walk to a dog is like hitting 5 numbers on the 6 number lottery.

Outside I tried calming myself down, willing myself to relax. It didn’t really help. I was seeing her tomorrow. It was the first time I’d seen her since I told her to leave. She wanted to stay, fought to stay, but I fought harder to keep my eyes sealed and heart cold. It’s been a lifetime since I’ve looked into her eyes and I’d get to see her on Wednesday. My insecurities were playing horror films on the screen of my psyche about how it would play out. I had the jitters like a recovering addict in a room full of powdery temptation.

After I emerged from my depression cave and basked in the light, reacquainting myself with the colors of the world, my heart literally called her name, asked for her. But, there was no answer. You can’t expect a person not to listen when you tell them to go so many times. Rarely does reality match our expectations. My reality? She has a new boyfriend who she cares for very much. She feels he could be the one. More importantly, she wants him to be. I went into Wednesday fully aware of that. Still, I was walking Chewy at 2:30am because the thought of sitting across from her sent copious amounts of adrenaline surging directly to my gut, my soul was aflame.

Wednesday. She looked breathtaking. Interesting the things you fail to see with your eyes closed. I saw her for her, this incredible woman who I love incredibly. Memory is not only stored in the brain. I believe other body parts can hold memories and ache at loss. My fingertips longed to caress her jaw line, be run through the length of her dark hair, trace the contours of her full lips. But in her eyes, I saw another. Her love is hers to give as she pleases and she has decided. I wanted to tell her so much, but “I must have rehearsed my lines, a thousand times, but when I see you they don’t come out right..” I was so dumb struck. What I wanted to say was, “Even in my darkest moments, I was still drawn to you. Even when I fought so hard to make you leave, you loved me. I was numb when I let you walk out of my apartment. Yet, the moment my heart began to sing again, it was your name it sang clear and sweet. I thought loving you made me weak when in actuality it makes me more powerful than I ever thought possible. Even if you are not here with me, I am finally not afraid to say I love you.”

I could go on, but this is a blog, not a book. You know what was so great about that Wednesday? I stopped being afraid. I learned the hard way many years ago you can’t make someone your destination, your motive or your inspiration for aspiring to change. If the ending you’ve created in your dreams doesn’t come true, you become even more bitter and disillusioned than before. I’m not afraid because I know what is in my heart is true and real. I’m on a journey, a lifelong journey. Maybe my path and this amazing woman who captured my heart will run parallel again in the future, then we might be ready to continue on together. If life has other plans, I’m not even worried. Love is energy and it cannot be destroyed, only changed. Like her, it is my love to give and I may choose and decide anytime I wish. I have an entire life of Wednesdays awaiting me. Day 19 and still going…