I know it may seem like I don’t love Chewy with my observations of him. I do. The lil flurry nut licker has created his own space in my heart and made it has own. In saying that, my frustration level with this dog reaches untold heights with some of the stuff he does.
Every living thing on the planet has to expel excess waste from its system. I don’t know any of them though, that make as big of a production of it as Chewy does. The truly odd thing is he didn’t always do it! Now that he’s all of 1 year old, he’s picking up some odd habits that are seriously undermining my confidence as a dog owner.
You know the little routine dogs do right before they drop a deuce? That’s make a stinky for my European friends. The routine is they find a spot they like, turn around in a circle a few times, then deliver the package, really easy, very simple, very effective. It takes 5 seconds at most for them from start to finish. Chewy? He will do the sniffing around bit normal enough, but the turning around a few times he needs to work on. He freakin’ makes me dizzy from the number of times he turns around. Then he stops, changes direction, then does the same thing again! I built a special device that records dog’s thoughts. What?! Oh, so a black man can’t invent miraculous inventions?? Anyway, through the power of my amazing device I created we now know what Chewy contemplates while deciding where to take a dump. “OkOkOkOk, maybe here, or here.. or here. Nonono all wrong, all wrong. Here might be good. Wait! No. Wait! Yes! Actually… OkOkOkOk. Uuumm…Yeahyeahyeah, this is perfect! Then again…” It’s like he’s the doggy Woody Allen. Then, 5 minutes of chasing his tail, he looks up at me with this look that says, “I can’t go with you looking at me. You make me nervous.” Cheese and rice Chewy! Just cop a squat and handle your business! You’re a dog! Crapping in public is fine because I’m the one who has to pick your shit up!
And lately, Chewy is on some sadistic level bowel movements with WHERE he’s craping lately. Now, he’s taking dumps on dog crap already on the ground! Once is luck, twice is unusual, four times in a row and the little fucker is doing it on purpose. Why? No clue, but it’s just wrong on so many levels. Damn you Chewy! I wanna be able to pick your shit up without having moral and ethical dilemmas. Oh, something else unnatural he’s doing, backing his ass up on trees that have grown at an angle so he can crap on a tree. (-_-) Soo NOT funny. I shit you not, I mean, can you imagine the level of cunning and deviousness needed to come up with something like that?? Taking a shit ON a tree?? Not the roots people! But the muthafuggin TRUNK of the tree! Imagine walking down a street and seeing a black man scraping shit off of a tree muttering to a dog, “Who taught you this Chewy?? Did you learn this from your brother Brutus? Shittin on a tree, a tree Chewy? A muthafuggin TREE?? I’m taking yo ass to a doggie psychologist cause I know this stems from something DEEP!” You’d think I was crazy wouldn’t you? To make it worse, as I said before, Chewy is only hearing, “Blahblahblah blah blah blahblah Chewy. Blah blah Chewy.” I feel obligated to scrape the shit off the tree because it’s winter. My over-thinking self can just picture the stuff freezing on the tree and some lil kid or short bus rider walking by thinking it’s some new exotic urban fungi. Next thing you know I have a letter in the mail from a lawyer being sued for poisoning someone’s kid.
Another thing Chewy does which I’m trying to break him of is taking things off my coffee table and chewing them up. He’s especially fond of headphones, Airwaves chewing gum, business cards and the last, toothbrushes. Well, Chewy doesn’t chew on toothbrushes, he eats them. No joke! He really eats them. I left an old toothbrush on the table, forgetting to throw it away. I went to work, came back a few hours later and I only found half a toothbrush. Really, half of it was gone, disappeared, vanished. I thought Chewy had snapped it in two and hid the other half. Didn’t think too much about it, but in the back of my mind I kinda sorta thought he could’ve eaten it, but wasn’t convinced. I give Chewy the empty toilet paper spools, which he loves, and rips them to shreds, but not EAT. Well, I took Chewy with me to Karl-Marx Straße later that day. For people who don’t know Berlin at all, Karl-Marx Straße is like the ghetto Mecca shopping area of my neighborhood. This street is always packed also, especially on Fridays like it was that day. I’m waiting with Chewy outside H&M for someone to come out and Chewy starts yelping really loud. Of course everyone turned around to see why, including me. Chewy is one of the quietest dogs ever. He never makes a peep! I love him for that. So when he makes noise, I take it seriously. Then his yelps got even more desperate and louder. I was on my knees checking him all over to see what was wrong, speaking to him softly, petting him to calm him down, nothing was working. Then, Chewy assumes the position, the boo boo position. I’m like “Uh-oh”, we’re on a busy street and this of course is the ONE time I’m caught with no plastic poop bags. With the amount of noise Chewy is making I’m worried he might be giving birth. His cries get louder and shriller; a couple of people even stop to ask me if he’s Ok. Then, out of Chewy’s ass pops a damn aquarium pebble. You know those rocks they put in the bottom of aquariums that are all multi-florescent colored? It looked exactly like that. I of course was like WTF?? I’m honestly baffled. Chewy is still pushing and yelping and more aquarium rocks come out of his butt. Then, an actual turd came out next. It literally looked like someone had taken this piece of crap and rolled it around in a Trix cereal batter. It was a kaleidoscope turd of green, blues and yellows. But if you put that one up to your eye I don’t think you’d see anything pretty. This homeless guy selling the Motz (a homeless paper) ambles over to give me his two cents worth, “I’d take that dog food back if I were you. Not doing your dog right in the stomach.” You think I would intentionally feed my dog food that makes his crap look like THAT?? Get outta my face. By now, Chewy is looking hurt UP. His legs are trembling, he’s still whimpering and crying out, he’s pleading with his eyes to help him. What could I do? Then he pushed out another alien turd. This time though, I recognized something… are those..wait…are those toothbrush bristles? You are pushing out a hard bristle toothbrush Chewy?? Poor Chewy! No wonder he was in so much pain. I bet those bristles were wearing his little asshole OUT. Finally he finished. Chewy was fucking ESTATIC! He was doing the Chewy dance where he twists his body so his head is near his butt and shakes his tail so hard his entire body shakes. Only problem now is, we’re on a main street with no plastic bag or even tissues. The person I was waiting for came out of H&M and I pointed to the pile of LSD excrement Chewy produced. She was like, “Oooooooh, what’s thaaaaat? Wait!? Is that kaka?? Ew! What did he eat!?” I still get tears in my eyes from laughing so hard thinking about that. She thought it was pretty at first. She sounded like a little kid seeing cotton candy for the first time, then realizing there is a bugger on it. Whew! Oh man, I think Chewy learned his lesson. Either way, that’s my dawg!
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