There is this TV series, Dexter, where the main character is a serial killer. He calls the uncontrollable savage urge within him that yearns for murder and blood, the Dark Passenger. Now, my Dark Passenger is not quite so wild and has never compelled me to literally take a life. However, it did steer my hand figuratively to destroy and maim. As poignant a label as the Dark Passenger is, I’ll call my old friend by his more appropriate name, the painful companion, or better yet, as he is known in most circles, guilt. I heard in passing once that the most difficult person to forgive is you and it is the first person in most cases we need to forgive; how true, how difficult.
Many have asked how I broke free of the gravity of the black hole of my depression. I’ve given various answers, but never really the honest answer. Partly, I was apprehensive. No, I was afraid, afraid to reveal what is behind the last door. For someone who believed knowledge is power and providing no knowledge made me all powerful, then this act would leave me powerless. Yet, if I’ve truly left behind my painful companion and made real change, then my power is now gained from another source now.
Here is where I should insert name and tell a story that lays out the origins of my guilt. But, I’ve never been one to follow the rules. Besides, if you know me, then you already know this background info. In a previous blog I mentioned making someone my destination, my reason for change was one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. I don’t possess the literary talent to properly express how utterly devastated I was because of all the guilt I’d allowed to accumulate within the confines of my consciousness. “Guilt is anger directed at ourselves” Peter McWilliams said once. Someone give that man a kewpie doll because he’s won the prize for hitting the nail on the head. I was angry at self-perceived shortcomings as a man, which in turn made me feel guilty when I felt I couldn’t fulfill someone’s expectations. It didn’t matter if those expectations were realistic or not, me being unable to meet them is all I saw. Guilt was my master and anger was the overseer lashing my black ass to increase the pace to my loneliness and ruin. So, for me it all started with forgiveness. It was the key that unlocked the chains around my heart and provided me with the map to freedom. Without that letting go, none of who I am trying to become would be possible. Forgiving myself did not solve any of my problems, but it did give me permission to begin correcting them.
On a final note, I have asked for forgiveness from people I’ve hurt and offended in my time on this earth. Now however, I have finally let go and forgiven myself for not treating you as you deserved to be #1 in my life. I forgive myself for not getting on the plane to go to Taiwan. I forgive myself for acting like an ass at dinner and making you cry in my bathroom. I forgive myself scaring you with my anger over a stupid film. I forgive myself for walking out of your door and into another woman’s arms. I forgive myself for not being man enough to come forward and let an entire year pass between the best of friends without communication. I forgive myself for acting out of hurt and writing the ugly things I said in my email. Most importantly, I forgive myself for being too afraid to stop you walking out of my life. I forgive me so I no longer am guilt-me. Day 55, still free…
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
BACK TO DAY 1
She looked at me with expectation in her eyes. She patiently waited, knowing I was there for a purpose and only needed a few moments to reach the conclusion. I had fleeting thoughts of disappointment in myself and anger at my weakness, but I had no time for those thoughts right then and shoved them aside so easily it surprised me. I was there to break my personal promise, my vow. I walked into her place knowing full well my actions were going to cause a detour on my journey, not a concern at all. After the briefest moment of hesitation, so brief in fact I can’t even lie to myself that I showed any semblance of will power, I took a step closer to her. She casually brushed a lonely hair that had lost its way out of her eye and smiled that coy smile of hers, the one that tells nothing but promises everything. A twinkle in her eye propelled me to step yet closer and lean in… “I would like a Berliner donut and caramel streusel please.” I had just asked for not one, but TWO pastries at my local bakery! I had decided to eat only healthy food for the next two weeks and dammit if on the second, SECOND day of this plan I folded like a deck of cards. Comfort food, the craving for something I could find comfort in was stronger than my desire to improve my eating habits.
Because I’m well into my other journey, I take harder looks at my actions and attempt to find the motive behind why I do particular things. I eat pastries and drink chocolate milk not only because I love them, I partake in that indulgence especially when I feel vulnerable, unsure and threatened. The amount of sugar I consume and digest is directly correlated to my emotional well-being. My intake of cream filled this and caramel topped that skyrocketed in the last 2 years. Throw in the chocolate milks I feel obliged to include while eating said treats and you get the point. If it wasn’t for great DNA, I’d be Fat Albert around here. The pull of high fructose corn syrup and powdered sugar was due to some negative feedback on my last blog post. I realize now how sensitive I can be when I’m trying to lower my walls and do not get the reaction I believe I should receive. I speak generally and not about a single blog post and it is irrelevant what the people said. What is important is how their words made me feel.
A dear friend explained when I first floated the idea of these blog posts that reactions would not always be solely based on my words, but also on the fears and insecurities the readers were dealing with in their interactions or history with me. My words were not the cause of their ill feelings, but they were the spark in a house full of the dry kindling of emotions, personal doubts and unfulfilled expectations. My response to their accusations was to add flammable liquid. As mindboggling as it may seem, I was never aware of how me acting defensively, lashing out verbally in response to being hurt or attempting to belittle someone’s opinion might make the situation spiral out of control. As sweet, caring and nurturing as I can be, the ability to read a person’s emotional needs also allowed me to be quite cruel when I wanted. It’s almost comical now to reminisce about my frustration levels interacting with women I dated.
The simple truth is, it will be impossible for me to have a long term healthy relationship until I get these factors under control. The first step is to stop taking everything to heart. There is a boiler in the pit of my stomach that is fed on the black coal of perceived disrespect and those embers are fanned by the steady wind of fear and ego. It’s almost an instinctual reaction when I feel I’ve been slighted and my anger is a slow white hot burn that lingers for days, months and in some cases years. Not healthy at all on any level, no need to email or text me because I’m already keenly aware of it. Thing is though, I’m working through it. I still get defensive when someone tries to tell me change is impossible. I certainly clench my fists in annoyance when someone laments about how my past actions affected their life and yes, my temperature rises when someone insists that me still having love in my heart for an ex is unhealthy. Instead of ignoring these peeople, or even removing them from my life, which means unfriending them on Facebook these days, I take a day to relax and cool down, contemplate why they might feel how they do, comprehend my role in the situation, then I take a deep breath and I’m better. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. It isn’t healthy to eat a high number of pastries every week along with drinking chocolate milk, but occasionally indulging my cravings of sweet things won’t cause too much difference, especially since I’m back in the gym. After all, it’s about balance, one Boston Crème donut VS. Not stressing over someone who is bitter they aren’t my Wednesday. I believe that is an indication I’m further along than I was yesterday. Day 39 of leaving unimportant things behind, Day 1 on going 3 days without a donut and chocolate milk. Some things need to be started with baby steps…
Because I’m well into my other journey, I take harder looks at my actions and attempt to find the motive behind why I do particular things. I eat pastries and drink chocolate milk not only because I love them, I partake in that indulgence especially when I feel vulnerable, unsure and threatened. The amount of sugar I consume and digest is directly correlated to my emotional well-being. My intake of cream filled this and caramel topped that skyrocketed in the last 2 years. Throw in the chocolate milks I feel obliged to include while eating said treats and you get the point. If it wasn’t for great DNA, I’d be Fat Albert around here. The pull of high fructose corn syrup and powdered sugar was due to some negative feedback on my last blog post. I realize now how sensitive I can be when I’m trying to lower my walls and do not get the reaction I believe I should receive. I speak generally and not about a single blog post and it is irrelevant what the people said. What is important is how their words made me feel.
A dear friend explained when I first floated the idea of these blog posts that reactions would not always be solely based on my words, but also on the fears and insecurities the readers were dealing with in their interactions or history with me. My words were not the cause of their ill feelings, but they were the spark in a house full of the dry kindling of emotions, personal doubts and unfulfilled expectations. My response to their accusations was to add flammable liquid. As mindboggling as it may seem, I was never aware of how me acting defensively, lashing out verbally in response to being hurt or attempting to belittle someone’s opinion might make the situation spiral out of control. As sweet, caring and nurturing as I can be, the ability to read a person’s emotional needs also allowed me to be quite cruel when I wanted. It’s almost comical now to reminisce about my frustration levels interacting with women I dated.
The simple truth is, it will be impossible for me to have a long term healthy relationship until I get these factors under control. The first step is to stop taking everything to heart. There is a boiler in the pit of my stomach that is fed on the black coal of perceived disrespect and those embers are fanned by the steady wind of fear and ego. It’s almost an instinctual reaction when I feel I’ve been slighted and my anger is a slow white hot burn that lingers for days, months and in some cases years. Not healthy at all on any level, no need to email or text me because I’m already keenly aware of it. Thing is though, I’m working through it. I still get defensive when someone tries to tell me change is impossible. I certainly clench my fists in annoyance when someone laments about how my past actions affected their life and yes, my temperature rises when someone insists that me still having love in my heart for an ex is unhealthy. Instead of ignoring these peeople, or even removing them from my life, which means unfriending them on Facebook these days, I take a day to relax and cool down, contemplate why they might feel how they do, comprehend my role in the situation, then I take a deep breath and I’m better. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. It isn’t healthy to eat a high number of pastries every week along with drinking chocolate milk, but occasionally indulging my cravings of sweet things won’t cause too much difference, especially since I’m back in the gym. After all, it’s about balance, one Boston Crème donut VS. Not stressing over someone who is bitter they aren’t my Wednesday. I believe that is an indication I’m further along than I was yesterday. Day 39 of leaving unimportant things behind, Day 1 on going 3 days without a donut and chocolate milk. Some things need to be started with baby steps…
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