She looked at me with expectation in her eyes. She patiently waited, knowing I was there for a purpose and only needed a few moments to reach the conclusion. I had fleeting thoughts of disappointment in myself and anger at my weakness, but I had no time for those thoughts right then and shoved them aside so easily it surprised me. I was there to break my personal promise, my vow. I walked into her place knowing full well my actions were going to cause a detour on my journey, not a concern at all. After the briefest moment of hesitation, so brief in fact I can’t even lie to myself that I showed any semblance of will power, I took a step closer to her. She casually brushed a lonely hair that had lost its way out of her eye and smiled that coy smile of hers, the one that tells nothing but promises everything. A twinkle in her eye propelled me to step yet closer and lean in… “I would like a Berliner donut and caramel streusel please.” I had just asked for not one, but TWO pastries at my local bakery! I had decided to eat only healthy food for the next two weeks and dammit if on the second, SECOND day of this plan I folded like a deck of cards. Comfort food, the craving for something I could find comfort in was stronger than my desire to improve my eating habits.
Because I’m well into my other journey, I take harder looks at my actions and attempt to find the motive behind why I do particular things. I eat pastries and drink chocolate milk not only because I love them, I partake in that indulgence especially when I feel vulnerable, unsure and threatened. The amount of sugar I consume and digest is directly correlated to my emotional well-being. My intake of cream filled this and caramel topped that skyrocketed in the last 2 years. Throw in the chocolate milks I feel obliged to include while eating said treats and you get the point. If it wasn’t for great DNA, I’d be Fat Albert around here. The pull of high fructose corn syrup and powdered sugar was due to some negative feedback on my last blog post. I realize now how sensitive I can be when I’m trying to lower my walls and do not get the reaction I believe I should receive. I speak generally and not about a single blog post and it is irrelevant what the people said. What is important is how their words made me feel.
A dear friend explained when I first floated the idea of these blog posts that reactions would not always be solely based on my words, but also on the fears and insecurities the readers were dealing with in their interactions or history with me. My words were not the cause of their ill feelings, but they were the spark in a house full of the dry kindling of emotions, personal doubts and unfulfilled expectations. My response to their accusations was to add flammable liquid. As mindboggling as it may seem, I was never aware of how me acting defensively, lashing out verbally in response to being hurt or attempting to belittle someone’s opinion might make the situation spiral out of control. As sweet, caring and nurturing as I can be, the ability to read a person’s emotional needs also allowed me to be quite cruel when I wanted. It’s almost comical now to reminisce about my frustration levels interacting with women I dated.
The simple truth is, it will be impossible for me to have a long term healthy relationship until I get these factors under control. The first step is to stop taking everything to heart. There is a boiler in the pit of my stomach that is fed on the black coal of perceived disrespect and those embers are fanned by the steady wind of fear and ego. It’s almost an instinctual reaction when I feel I’ve been slighted and my anger is a slow white hot burn that lingers for days, months and in some cases years. Not healthy at all on any level, no need to email or text me because I’m already keenly aware of it. Thing is though, I’m working through it. I still get defensive when someone tries to tell me change is impossible. I certainly clench my fists in annoyance when someone laments about how my past actions affected their life and yes, my temperature rises when someone insists that me still having love in my heart for an ex is unhealthy. Instead of ignoring these peeople, or even removing them from my life, which means unfriending them on Facebook these days, I take a day to relax and cool down, contemplate why they might feel how they do, comprehend my role in the situation, then I take a deep breath and I’m better. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. It isn’t healthy to eat a high number of pastries every week along with drinking chocolate milk, but occasionally indulging my cravings of sweet things won’t cause too much difference, especially since I’m back in the gym. After all, it’s about balance, one Boston Crème donut VS. Not stressing over someone who is bitter they aren’t my Wednesday. I believe that is an indication I’m further along than I was yesterday. Day 39 of leaving unimportant things behind, Day 1 on going 3 days without a donut and chocolate milk. Some things need to be started with baby steps…
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