GUILT-ME

There is this TV series, Dexter, where the main character is a serial killer. He calls the uncontrollable savage urge within him that yearns for murder and blood, the Dark Passenger. Now, my Dark Passenger is not quite so wild and has never compelled me to literally take a life. However, it did steer my hand figuratively to destroy and maim. As poignant a label as the Dark Passenger is, I’ll call my old friend by his more appropriate name, the painful companion, or better yet, as he is known in most circles, guilt. I heard in passing once that the most difficult person to forgive is you and it is the first person in most cases we need to forgive; how true, how difficult.

Many have asked how I broke free of the gravity of the black hole of my depression. I’ve given various answers, but never really the honest answer. Partly, I was apprehensive. No, I was afraid, afraid to reveal what is behind the last door. For someone who believed knowledge is power and providing no knowledge made me all powerful, then this act would leave me powerless. Yet, if I’ve truly left behind my painful companion and made real change, then my power is now gained from another source now.

Here is where I should insert name and tell a story that lays out the origins of my guilt. But, I’ve never been one to follow the rules. Besides, if you know me, then you already know this background info. In a previous blog I mentioned making someone my destination, my reason for change was one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. I don’t possess the literary talent to properly express how utterly devastated I was because of all the guilt I’d allowed to accumulate within the confines of my consciousness. “Guilt is anger directed at ourselves” Peter McWilliams said once. Someone give that man a kewpie doll because he’s won the prize for hitting the nail on the head. I was angry at self-perceived shortcomings as a man, which in turn made me feel guilty when I felt I couldn’t fulfill someone’s expectations. It didn’t matter if those expectations were realistic or not, me being unable to meet them is all I saw. Guilt was my master and anger was the overseer lashing my black ass to increase the pace to my loneliness and ruin. So, for me it all started with forgiveness. It was the key that unlocked the chains around my heart and provided me with the map to freedom. Without that letting go, none of who I am trying to become would be possible. Forgiving myself did not solve any of my problems, but it did give me permission to begin correcting them.

On a final note, I have asked for forgiveness from people I’ve hurt and offended in my time on this earth. Now however, I have finally let go and forgiven myself for not treating you as you deserved to be #1 in my life. I forgive myself for not getting on the plane to go to Taiwan. I forgive myself for acting like an ass at dinner and making you cry in my bathroom. I forgive myself scaring you with my anger over a stupid film. I forgive myself for walking out of your door and into another woman’s arms. I forgive myself for not being man enough to come forward and let an entire year pass between the best of friends without communication. I forgive myself for acting out of hurt and writing the ugly things I said in my email. Most importantly, I forgive myself for being too afraid to stop you walking out of my life. I forgive me so I no longer am guilt-me. Day 55, still free…