“I’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend or anyone I’ve seriously dated in my life, EVER.” CW
I wonder what it would feel like to be on the opposite side of those words, to have my face pressed against the glass, cupping my face just so to cut down on the glare and get a true glimpse of what’s inside. What would it make me feel like if I dated someone, cared for someone, fretted over someone’s well-being, spent countless nights laying awake in bed attempting to comprehend why someone refused to lower their walls and let me close, I wonder what memories would I question as being real or fabricated, how many times would I be able to recall where an excuse was given for cancelling or not being able to make it and contemplate its authenticity. I wonder how my anger would burn. Would it burn right below the surface of my skin sending tendrils of smoke through the pores of my skin? Or maybe it would be deeper, in the pit of my stomach, emitting an even white-hot heat that would flame even the coldest recess of my heart.
I wonder how stupid I would feel for falling for the well-crafted lies spoken from lips I didn’t know where they’d last been. Would I wonder about the love they professed to have for me and sweep it up with all the other tender moments shared as false? I wonder if I would feel any less special than what I’d been led to believe late at night while laying on sheets creased from hours of passionate love-making and dusted with the faint lingering scent of spent desire.
I am sure I would wonder, wonder and question every promise, every shared moment, and every spoken word. I would wonder about me, I would wonder about you, I would wonder about us…
I have cheated you of treasured memories, remembered pleasure, a layer of self-confidence and caused you to wonder about the very essence of yourself.
You wonder as I wondered so many years ago. I comprehend fully the thoughts quietly invading your subconsciousness. I wonder often how I, who knows so intimately the uncertainty and anger this can cause, could bring this on someone I care so much about.
I wonder if you will be stronger than I and not let the failures of another affect your interactions with those you love. I also wonder if you have the fortitude to leave the past in the past and not walk with it hand in hand for years to come as I did. I wonder how many times you would need to stop and wipe the tears from your eyes over my faults and I wonder how many deep breaths you need to still your fluttering heart. Unfortunately, I also wonder about who he is that will comfort you. I wonder about so many of these things…
But there are some things I will never wonder about, the love in my heart being true and the change that has occurred in my soul.
Day 69, putting one foot in front of the other….
Took courage to write that one. keep 'em coming, Panther.
ReplyDeleteThis is RAW! It is sensitive for me to read this, because of my recent past. A lover lying over and over again to your face...is like purchasing a beautiful new home. And, everything looks good from the outside. The walls look strong, the paint is fresh, the appliances are new, the views are good and the light is great! Then one day you notice the rotted wood at the base of a door jam outside. You investigate further and see the wood is touching the earth. Everyone knows, when wood touches earth it equals termites! So, upon further inspection you look under the house and see that all the beams of the foundation have been eaten away by termites. The house is lucky to be standing at all! The home has to be "re-built" on a new foundation. There were things that would come up with the house, but you would choose to overlook them. You did not want to investigate them further, for fear they would be BIGGER ISSUES you were not prepared to handle. She knew. We all know. But, we thought we would crumble if we looked the truth in the face. Fear, what a bitch.
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