At
this moment I am sitting at a desk in an Italian villa that rests atop a hill.
There is a window in the room that overlooks the Bay of Pozzuoli and I can see
the lights of Naples, Italy spread out before me like a buffet for angels. It’s
breathtaking. It is not a bad place to be for Christmas at all. The food I’ve
eaten today is the stuff of legends; four different types of home-made pizza
for lunch alone. When I say home-made I mean the woman woke up at 5am to make
the dough from scratch! For dinner we had three different types of salad, two
different types of fish and breaded vegetables and that was only the starter! The
main course was a lobster pasta dish. LOBSTER PASTA! Who knew that even
existed!? All topped off with desert, wine literally made by the hands of my
girlfriend’s father and limoncello. Amazing! Throw in the sunshine and warm
weather and one could hardly ask for more! I can’t complain.. I mean, I shouldn’t
complain. It’s not really complaining at all. It’s just... I miss my family.
The
last few years I’ve made it a point to go home for at least 3 weeks to the
states around Christmas. It gives me the time to meet up with friends, soak up
the sun and most importantly reconnect with my family. Even kinfolks require
the opportunity to reinforce bonds and strengthen ties. I expected this year to
be no different, me flying home around December 10th lounging around
catching up on YouTube videos that are blocked in Germany, sneaking around
trying to eat more than my fair share of my mom’s famous sweet potato pies,
riding a bike and trying to explain to people I’m not gay for being 38 and
having no kids and am not serving time in prison for staying away so long from
my family. But as we all know, life often has other plans for us.
Living
in faraway lands for the past 10+ years is something I regularly express in gratitude
to the travel gods. The number of fantastic memories I have created are
uncountable. At the same time, I am painfully aware of the missed chances to
make memories with my own family. It is a delicate balance us wandering spirits
must constantly be aware of to keep the scales from toppling over. In all
honestly, the scales I speak of would probably be more manageable if I were
able to express myself a bit better face-to-face as I am in the confines of my
journals. I often see those posts on Facebook that urge us to let those we love
know how much we appreciate them being in our life, yet how many of us truly
reach out to our loved ones and let them know how we feel? I do try, but we all
have our scars that hinder movement and prevent us from reaching out as far as
need be.
This
blog entry is me trying to reach out as far as I can, as far as need be to
reach out to my family to let them know why I make the effort to be around them
every year, even if I don’t express it verbally enough.
To my
mother.. at this point I should just take the sun, dip it in chocolate and then
drizzle honey all over it and attach it to this post. There is no way to
express in words how much I love my mother, but that image that may have
flashed through your mind’s eye with that description you just read might give
you an idea. The sun not only warms, but provides nourishment, it brings life, and
it raises spirits. That is my mother. Then the chocolate cause I mean, who
doesn’t love chocolate! And who doesn't love Ms. White!? For real though! Then
honey because I believe we forget how great honey is at times. Honey is like
nature’s super food. There are all these healthy benefits they contribute to
honey and the public tends to forget that at times with all the commercials for
supplement this or enhancement that. Honey is natural, wholesome, under-appreciated and if more people used it in its pure form we’d all be better
off. Skype is fine with my mom, but I’d much rather have a real hug. Or just to
lay my head in her lap for a few minutes... yeah, the sun dipped in chocolate
then drizzled in honey.. that’s my mother and I love her immensely for that.
To my
sister Niki, Nikki, Nicole or however the heck you spelling your name these days!
I don’t think she realizes how much I love her. When I am home I am always
reminded of how much she impresses me. I appreciate St. Petersburg more and
more as I get older, but I don’t hide my... ambivalence for it at all. The city
isn’t exactly a mecca for high fashion and creativity, nonetheless, my sister
finds a way to be on point with anything she does. She walks around and I have
to remind myself I am not in New York, London or Paris but South St. Pete with
her fashion sense. She has taken a hobby and turned it into a profession. Even
her peers recognize her vast talent and that’s saying a lot cause you know how
brown people can be when it comes to acknowledging others! And her daughter, my
niece... Talk about an amazing young lady. I joke that her Uncles have a huge
influence on her awesomeness, but in truth, she is just emulating her fierce
mother. Love you to death...
To my
brother Corey who is the epitome of an Aries. I don’t always agree with my
brother’s views on history, or politics or social commentary, but I can
appreciate the fact that he isn’t accepting what the mainstream says and is
rightfully questioning everything. It is much easier to accept the status quo than
it is to seek the truth and find your own answers. His answers are not mine,
but that’s probably because we are asking different questions. I respect him
because he is asking questions. The day we stop questioning is the day we stop
improving and the day we stop trying to improve is the day we begin to die. I
embrace my brother’s will to keep living. That and he can keep his mouth shut.
Oh the secrets Corey has about me and never shared, a very rare trait to have these
days. That’s probably why I consider him to be one of my best friends. I love
you.
To my
brother Ryan who thanks to Facebook surprises me at least three times a week.
He posts these random quotes and stream of thought updates that I have to catch
myself from liking because more often than not I should be working and don’t
want people to think I’m available. He has this way of cutting to the heart of
the matter that I love. The other thing that impresses me is he’s fearless. He
posts things that are windows into the very fabric of his thoughts and heart.
At 24 there was no way I was capable of doing that. Hell, it wasn't until I was
well into my 30’s before I could even begin to fathom that and he does it so
effortlessly at such a young age. Damn that is extraordinary. Love you like a
fat kid loves cake. And you know I love me some cake!
This
blog entry is starting to get long, but it’s the holidays and everyone has a
few days free so I have to also say:
To my
brother Dana who somehow finds a way to constantly smile and be positive no
matter the situation and being a good father in the absence of a positive
father figure growing up. That is another entry all in itself but you show up every
single day to put in that work. Utmost respect.
To my
aunt Ms. Doris (Tiki) Who has shown me what “Ride or Die” truly means. This
woman has taught me what sticking up for your family is meant to be about. I
need somebody to have my back when we gonna be in the thick of it? I’m calling
my Aunt Tiki. Bet.
To my
cousins:
To Sir
Brock who isn’t waiting for his dreams to become his reality, but turning his
reality into his dreams.
To
Nico who has raised the good husband and father bar to a whole nother other
level!
To
Yook I’m Him for keeping it real... since the womb. Real talk.
Every
Christmas time my family gathers, we eat a lot of great food then we retire to the
family room and play Taboo together as a family. All told it’s at least 15
people including wives and children. By far it is the highlight of my holiday.
It’s that release of energy that is expressed through laughter and squeals of
delight that manifests itself into the intangible bonds that bind us together
as a family. Immersing myself into that is why I try to get home for Christmas
every year. It is to be a part of that love and add my own to the pot. I don’t
say it, but I love each and every one of them more than they will ever know. I
am not with them this Christmas, but I do believe I love them a little bit more
this year than I did last year.
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