TO MY EX...

About three months ago my ex and I said our final goodbye. I wish I could say we ended our relationship as adults who still have a lot of love for each other but… Maybe that’s why it ended the way it did, in a storm of confusion and uncertainty and lightning strikes of pain and anger. Now that the tidal waves of my heart have once again settled into a restless calm can I write these words…

Often, when a relationship ends one is quick to apply the salve of blame to their own ego. We tell ourselves he or she didn't have this or that essential quality or he or she couldn't do this important thing. I’m as guilty as anyone for committing that sin. However, in reality I owe my ex so much. I cannot remember the last time I began a relationship wanting instead of hoping, or believing instead of wondering. With every part of me I truly WANTED us to work. I wanted us to be… together, married, a family, just be. Hollywood has brainwashed so many of us into holding half-truths and myths as facts. The reality is, real desire isn't craving another’s body, it is making a conscious decision that you want something and doing everything in your earthly power to make it so. Unfortunately, these days it seems this type of want is only attributed to creating monetary wealth but not to building a lasting relationship. Being with my ex taught me that. She awakened a desire that wanted to be with one woman and build something lasting on a foundation so strong that not even Hercules himself could shake.

So often we confuse what we want someone to be with what we ourselves need from a relationship. My ex fulfilled many of my wants, it’s just.. I finally learned what I need to have. In the end it wasn't about her, but all about me. What I need is so simple and uncomplicated and I never realized that before my last relationship. I need to be able to be me in a relationship. It sounds so obvious, yet how many people are 100% themselves in a relationship? How many act a certain way not to cause ripples or agitate their supposedly impenetrable connection? If one does not feel comfortable being themselves around the one they love than true intimacy is impossible.  I’m painfully aware I’m not the easiest person to date let alone be in a relationship with. All of my exes will vouch for that. I appreciate anyone who puts up with me for a day let alone a year. I’m still figuring out how to learn life’s lessons without hurting those I love. And I loved my ex, still do. I rarely let people close and I didn't let her in, I pulled her to me and enveloped her completely. She allowed me into her world, made her family my family and gave her love freely. That we ended in no way diminishes the significance of the journey we shared together. We are on different life paths now, such is life. She needs to be with someone who she can feel totally at ease with. She deserves that just as much as I do.

I often think of my ex. Natural considering the profound effect loving her had on me. Once the haze of a past relationship clears and hindsight can cut through the fog of regret is often when one has real clarity on an event. I was provided the opportunity to get to know an amazing woman who underestimates her greatness. Our time together taught me invaluable lessons about life, love and myself. The universe brought her into my world for a reason and I am forever altered, for the better. Sometimes lessons involve tears. I now believe that to be so that the knowledge we require is imprinted on our hearts forever.  So to my ex, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, for everything. 

FAMILY HOLIDAY 2013/2014

At this moment I am sitting at a desk in an Italian villa that rests atop a hill. There is a window in the room that overlooks the Bay of Pozzuoli and I can see the lights of Naples, Italy spread out before me like a buffet for angels. It’s breathtaking. It is not a bad place to be for Christmas at all. The food I’ve eaten today is the stuff of legends; four different types of home-made pizza for lunch alone. When I say home-made I mean the woman woke up at 5am to make the dough from scratch! For dinner we had three different types of salad, two different types of fish and breaded vegetables and that was only the starter! The main course was a lobster pasta dish. LOBSTER PASTA! Who knew that even existed!? All topped off with desert, wine literally made by the hands of my girlfriend’s father and limoncello. Amazing! Throw in the sunshine and warm weather and one could hardly ask for more! I can’t complain.. I mean, I shouldn’t complain. It’s not really complaining at all. It’s just... I miss my family.

The last few years I’ve made it a point to go home for at least 3 weeks to the states around Christmas. It gives me the time to meet up with friends, soak up the sun and most importantly reconnect with my family. Even kinfolks require the opportunity to reinforce bonds and strengthen ties. I expected this year to be no different, me flying home around December 10^th lounging around catching up on YouTube videos that are blocked in Germany, sneaking around trying to eat more than my fair share of my mom’s famous sweet potato pies, riding a bike and trying to explain to people I’m not gay for being 38 and having no kids and am not serving time in prison for staying away so long from my family. But as we all know, life often has other plans for us.

Living in faraway lands for the past 10+ years is something I regularly express in gratitude to the travel gods. The number of fantastic memories I have created are uncountable. At the same time, I am painfully aware of the missed chances to make memories with my own family. It is a delicate balance us wandering spirits must constantly be aware of to keep the scales from toppling over. In all honestly, the scales I speak of would probably be more manageable if I were able to express myself a bit better face-to-face as I am in the confines of my journals. I often see those posts on Facebook that urge us to let those we love know how much we appreciate them being in our life, yet how many of us truly reach out to our loved ones and let them know how we feel? I do try, but we all have our scars that hinder movement and prevent us from reaching out as far as need be.

This blog entry is me trying to reach out as far as I can, as far as need be to reach out to my family to let them know why I make the effort to be around them every year, even if I don’t express it verbally enough.

To my mother.. at this point I should just take the sun, dip it in chocolate and then drizzle honey all over it and attach it to this post. There is no way to express in words how much I love my mother, but that image that may have flashed through your mind’s eye with that description you just read might give you an idea. The sun not only warms, but provides nourishment, it brings life, and it raises spirits. That is my mother. Then the chocolate cause I mean, who doesn’t love chocolate! And who doesn't love Ms. White!? For real though! Then honey because I believe we forget how great honey is at times. Honey is like nature’s super food. There are all these healthy benefits they contribute to honey and the public tends to forget that at times with all the commercials for supplement this or enhancement that. Honey is natural, wholesome, under-appreciated and if more people used it in its pure form we’d all be better off. Skype is fine with my mom, but I’d much rather have a real hug. Or just to lay my head in her lap for a few minutes... yeah, the sun dipped in chocolate then drizzled in honey.. that’s my mother and I love her immensely for that.

To my sister Niki, Nikki, Nicole or however the heck you spelling your name these days! I don’t think she realizes how much I love her. When I am home I am always reminded of how much she impresses me. I appreciate St. Petersburg more and more as I get older, but I don’t hide my... ambivalence for it at all. The city isn’t exactly a mecca for high fashion and creativity, nonetheless, my sister finds a way to be on point with anything she does. She walks around and I have to remind myself I am not in New York, London or Paris but South St. Pete with her fashion sense. She has taken a hobby and turned it into a profession. Even her peers recognize her vast talent and that’s saying a lot cause you know how brown people can be when it comes to acknowledging others! And her daughter, my niece... Talk about an amazing young lady. I joke that her Uncles have a huge influence on her awesomeness, but in truth, she is just emulating her fierce mother. Love you to death...

To my brother Corey who is the epitome of an Aries. I don’t always agree with my brother’s views on history, or politics or social commentary, but I can appreciate the fact that he isn’t accepting what the mainstream says and is rightfully questioning everything. It is much easier to accept the status quo than it is to seek the truth and find your own answers. His answers are not mine, but that’s probably because we are asking different questions. I respect him because he is asking questions. The day we stop questioning is the day we stop improving and the day we stop trying to improve is the day we begin to die. I embrace my brother’s will to keep living. That and he can keep his mouth shut. Oh the secrets Corey has about me and never shared, a very rare trait to have these days. That’s probably why I consider him to be one of my best friends. I love you.

To my brother Ryan who thanks to Facebook surprises me at least three times a week. He posts these random quotes and stream of thought updates that I have to catch myself from liking because more often than not I should be working and don’t want people to think I’m available. He has this way of cutting to the heart of the matter that I love. The other thing that impresses me is he’s fearless. He posts things that are windows into the very fabric of his thoughts and heart. At 24 there was no way I was capable of doing that. Hell, it wasn't until I was well into my 30’s before I could even begin to fathom that and he does it so effortlessly at such a young age. Damn that is extraordinary. Love you like a fat kid loves cake. And you know I love me some cake!

This blog entry is starting to get long, but it’s the holidays and everyone has a few days free so I have to also say:

To my brother Dana who somehow finds a way to constantly smile and be positive no matter the situation and being a good father in the absence of a positive father figure growing up. That is another entry all in itself but you show up every single day to put in that work. Utmost respect.

To my aunt Ms. Doris (Tiki) Who has shown me what “Ride or Die” truly means. This woman has taught me what sticking up for your family is meant to be about. I need somebody to have my back when we gonna be in the thick of it? I’m calling my Aunt Tiki. Bet.

To my cousins:

To Sir Brock who isn’t waiting for his dreams to become his reality, but turning his reality into his dreams.

To Nico who has raised the good husband and father bar to a whole nother other level!

To Yook I’m Him for keeping it real... since the womb. Real talk.

Every Christmas time my family gathers, we eat a lot of great food then we retire to the family room and play Taboo together as a family. All told it’s at least 15 people including wives and children. By far it is the highlight of my holiday. It’s that release of energy that is expressed through laughter and squeals of delight that manifests itself into the intangible bonds that bind us together as a family. Immersing myself into that is why I try to get home for Christmas every year. It is to be a part of that love and add my own to the pot. I don’t say it, but I love each and every one of them more than they will ever know. I am not with them this Christmas, but I do believe I love them a little bit more this year than I did last year.