TO MY EX...

About three months ago my ex and I said our final goodbye. I wish I could say we ended our relationship as adults who still have a lot of love for each other but… Maybe that’s why it ended the way it did, in a storm of confusion and uncertainty and lightning strikes of pain and anger. Now that the tidal waves of my heart have once again settled into a restless calm can I write these words…

Often, when a relationship ends one is quick to apply the salve of blame to their own ego. We tell ourselves he or she didn't have this or that essential quality or he or she couldn't do this important thing. I’m as guilty as anyone for committing that sin. However, in reality I owe my ex so much. I cannot remember the last time I began a relationship wanting instead of hoping, or believing instead of wondering. With every part of me I truly WANTED us to work. I wanted us to be… together, married, a family, just be. Hollywood has brainwashed so many of us into holding half-truths and myths as facts. The reality is, real desire isn't craving another’s body, it is making a conscious decision that you want something and doing everything in your earthly power to make it so. Unfortunately, these days it seems this type of want is only attributed to creating monetary wealth but not to building a lasting relationship. Being with my ex taught me that. She awakened a desire that wanted to be with one woman and build something lasting on a foundation so strong that not even Hercules himself could shake.

So often we confuse what we want someone to be with what we ourselves need from a relationship. My ex fulfilled many of my wants, it’s just.. I finally learned what I need to have. In the end it wasn't about her, but all about me. What I need is so simple and uncomplicated and I never realized that before my last relationship. I need to be able to be me in a relationship. It sounds so obvious, yet how many people are 100% themselves in a relationship? How many act a certain way not to cause ripples or agitate their supposedly impenetrable connection? If one does not feel comfortable being themselves around the one they love than true intimacy is impossible.  I’m painfully aware I’m not the easiest person to date let alone be in a relationship with. All of my exes will vouch for that. I appreciate anyone who puts up with me for a day let alone a year. I’m still figuring out how to learn life’s lessons without hurting those I love. And I loved my ex, still do. I rarely let people close and I didn't let her in, I pulled her to me and enveloped her completely. She allowed me into her world, made her family my family and gave her love freely. That we ended in no way diminishes the significance of the journey we shared together. We are on different life paths now, such is life. She needs to be with someone who she can feel totally at ease with. She deserves that just as much as I do.

I often think of my ex. Natural considering the profound effect loving her had on me. Once the haze of a past relationship clears and hindsight can cut through the fog of regret is often when one has real clarity on an event. I was provided the opportunity to get to know an amazing woman who underestimates her greatness. Our time together taught me invaluable lessons about life, love and myself. The universe brought her into my world for a reason and I am forever altered, for the better. Sometimes lessons involve tears. I now believe that to be so that the knowledge we require is imprinted on our hearts forever.  So to my ex, from the bottom of my heart, thank you, for everything.