OBSERVATIONS ON MEETING PEOPLE IN BERLIN

I’ve lived in many different countries and visited countless cities. Anyone who experiences multiple cultures and is comfortable being on the outside looking in becomes more adept at observing the subtle nuances and flavors the residents of a city may miss. Now, I’ve lived in Berlin for almost 7 years. I love this city wholeheartedly. That love is the only thing that keeps me here at times. As we all know, just because you love something doesn’t always mean you like it. These are observations I have asked other expats about, discussed at length with German clients, and even specifically broached the subject with born and bred Berliners. Not all agreed with the motives behind the actions, but they did feel my observations about the occurrence of these things were spot on.  There are a few things I’ve observed about meeting people here in Berlin. Did you ever notice...

It’s really hard to find an apartment in Berlin at the moment. Many lament the skyrocketing rents and lack of affordable housing which contribute to the situation. But those are people attempting to rent or lease an entire apartment. I am speaking of the difficulty in finding a room in a shared apartment. It is an adventure akin to Frodo taking that damn ring back to Mordor! As an American, we tend to conduct roommate searches in the following manner; we tell friends that our current housemate is moving out and for them to let anyone know who may be looking there is a room free. Then, the person contacts us, we set up a meeting, they come over and see the place, and if you really feel like they are cool you might offer them something to drink or some snacks over small talk, then they say they will get back to you and leave. That’s it! No complications! In Berlin, it’s just a taaaaad bit.. uum.. special. FIRST, you have to get an appointment. That first email is more stressful then writing an essay for your college entrance application! You have to explain why you are in Berlin, what you hope to accomplish during your time here, what you did before, what are your hobbies, do you have any communicable diseases. Ok, just joking about the communicable diseases. It’s intense! As stressful as getting an appointment is, it has nothing on the actual interview. Trust me; it is an interview and NOT a casual meeting for you to see the apartment. I asked my German friends why this process is so intimidating here in Berlin. They explained it like this, in Berlin roommates aren’t just someone you want to have sharing your apartment, it is someone you want sharing your life. Meaning they want that person to hopefully become their friend. Ooooooh Okaaaay. Well then it makes perfect sense to stress me out to the point I’m getting cold sweats and about to hyperventilate! You want to be my FRIEND! So THAT’S why you ask me if I’m a loud breather and how often I get up during the night to pee. On the other hand though, it does make a lot of sense.  Everyone has had a roommate we didn’t really like. It’s a roll of the dice whether they are truly normal or only acting normal to get the room. Maybe if we put more effort into the process, we could eliminate the ones who sit at the kitchen table and gnaw on their toenails while you are trying to eat dinner. Or the ones who leave the bathroom smelling like they hid 3 or 4 decomposing bodies in it. And we ALL know the roommate who eats up all your food and doesn’t replace it and makes you believe you are going crazy. “Now I know I had some BBQ chicken and a Müller Milch in here!” We’ve all had them!

Yet another thing I have observed about meeting people in Berlin is, as an American, I totally understand how our culture is much more receptive to speaking to strangers. For example, the layout of bars in the U.S. is conducive to standing which allows for greater mobility to interact with other people not in your immediate vicinity. You hear a group speaking about something interesting it is not SO strange to join the conversation. Not exactly the case in Berlin. If you are new to Berlin and go out alone, you quickly get a sense things are not quite set up the same way. Many bars have seating arrangements that make it almost detrimental to your health to stand. It’s sit down or be trampled. Even if it is a “typical” bar layout one is accustomed to, that ease of conversation hopping is painfully lacking here in Berlin. From what I can gather, these seem to be the rules:

·        Position your seats in such a way that it is obvious to outsiders they are not welcome.

·        The people you are with are the only people you may engage in conversation.

·        Exceptions are the bartender, wait staff, and to ask someone for a light. Failure to adhere to these rules shall result in a sever reprimand from the group.

·        Exceptions to rule number three are only valid for people asking, “Do you have a light?” acceptable variations of this question can be found in the German Civil Code. Any deviation from the acceptable form is met with icy glare and stony silence.

·        A person is considered an outsider until a C.V. and two references are submitted three weeks in advance of a scheduled night out for the group to approve their admission.

·        If an outsider approaches your group, meet them with an icy glare and stony silence until they feel extremely uncomfortable and inadequate and slinks away rejected.

It is not Berlin culture to have a stranger attempt to start a conversation. I have German clients who have worked over 10 years with their colleagues and didn’t know simple basic information like the other wasn’t German, but Hungarian, or one co-worker was an amputee! The way he walked reminded me of an ex co-worker of mine who had an artificial limb. I asked him about it one day. He wasn’t embarrassed about it, just was never asked. The other students laughed! They thought he was joking! He then took off his prosthetic to prove he really had a fake leg... Only then did they believe him. The looks on their faces! Took everything I could not to die of laughter!

That “No talking to strangers” we learn as children in the U.S. is taken to an entirely higher level here in Berlin. Apparently, it’s also includes, “Don’t talk about strange things” as in the case of the leg. All of this leads to it being very tough to meet people here in our city. Yes, there are bars and clubs where the status quo is more open, I know those establishments quite intimately, but I was hard-pressed to even remember my own name afterwards let alone someone else’s.

The no speaking to strangers thing is highly unusual when you notice that Berliners don’t have the same sense of personal space as most Americans. I mean, in Berlin the tables at restaurants are smaller and MUCH closer together. As in it is not uncommon to literally be eating elbow to elbow with a complete stranger. Germans don’t think that is the slightest bit weird but find it horrifying if I try to ask casual questions at the bus stop? Really?? So you can sit down next to me so close that our knees are touching and if you turn your head too suddenly I get a mouthful of your hair, but you act like I tried to reach into your plate to try your food after picking my nose if I ask you a few questions? No comprendo. BUT, you will listen to my conversation at MY table and then talk about the conversation at MY table as if there is some magical sound barrier that blocks your conversation but not ours. This ain’t Hogwarts people! Focus!

So, from what I have deduced is that it is Berliners bark is worse than their bite. Meaning they come off as being hella cold and distant.. Ok, ok, they really are cold and distant but they aren’t really so mean. It just takes a lot to get close to them because there is a huge gulf between stranger and friend to them. You are either one or the other, no exceptions. When you finally cross that ginormous distance to the friendship shore you are IN! As in they would do damn near anything for you! “Hey Jürgen, I’m moving into a new apartment and I sure could use an extra set of hands.” Jürgen will be there Saturday morning, ON TIME, not only with his hands but his tools to help you install your lights, bathroom mirror and kitchen if need be. Berliner friends are on POINT! It’s just getting past that initial obstacle to find out how cool they can be! Someone really needs to create a FUNomenal location where it’s easier to interact with Berliners so us expats can fit in easier.. I’m just saying...