FINDING A ROOMMATE IN BERLIN (My Story)

So, it may seem like I don’t blog anymore since this is my first post in AGES! I do post, just more on my business blog at blog.funomenal.com. Starting a business is a lot of work and can be time consuming. As a result my personal blog posts greatly suffered. But I made a point to drop a couple of personal posts before 2015.

With that, I've been in a new apartment back in my favorite district of Berlin, Kreuzberg, for a few months now. My new roommate is cool as hell! He’s a writer. Often he’s in his room writing what I assume to be the next great German novel. Or a screen play about a roommate who kills and cooks his black American roommate. No idea but I hope it’s the first. He loves classic 90’s Hip hop and black women ALMOST as much as I do! I appreciate him. Seriously. I remember quite vividly what I went through to find this apartment before I lucked into this place. Let me tell you about a few of the people I met while looking for a new apartment…

When people are offering a room in their place I totally understand setting rules. A non-smoker saying you can’t smoke inside, or someone banning pets. I get it. Life is about compromise and you move in with a person you have to concede some things. What I don’t understand is a person trying to dictate how I can live my life if I live with them. I looked at one place owned by an older French woman who was an artist. This woman was a FRENCH ARTIST. She had the super strong accent and the airy whimsical way of describing a situation. Her apartment was well… it was minimalist at best. I thought she’d just moved in and was still figuring out the furniture arrangement. She’d lived in the place for 15 years! The only real furniture was a small kitchen table with two chairs and a desk in her bedroom. That was it! No sofa, no other chairs, tables, nothing, just that! In both bedrooms were a single thin mattress on the floor. Let me repeat that, a SINGLE THIN mattress directly on the floor. Not two mattresses, not one on top of a raised platform, just a lonely twin size mattress on the cold hard floor. When I asked her about the lack of furniture she said that’s how she wanted it. Too many man made things in her apartment “disturbed” her creative energy was her response. Ok, ok. Creative energy flow disturbance is the issue. But that disturbance can also go through walls from the other bedroom that a person is paying for and interfere with your art all the way on the other side of a rather large apartment? And does a second mattress also sends out bad vibes too? Does the brand of mattress help at all? And do synthetic material also affect your brain waves? Only cotton and wool clothing allowed? I can compromise to the Nth degree, however, I cannot pay someone to live like I’m in a Thai prison.  Needless to say that apartment was never really an option.

The second room I saw already was sketchy to me from the start. It was cheap, like super-duper cheap. I’m from the school that if something is very cheap then something must be wrong with it. But I decided to check it out anyway. Went to the apartment and sure enough.. very cheap often times is equal to super ghetto. The door to the building was locked, but there was a huge hole in the glass to the front door so someone could just stick their hand through and unlock it. I have to say though, the building itself wasn’t really the problem. It was the guy who lived in the apartment that was the problem. He was like a human Eeyore from Winnie-the-Pooh. He was so freakin depressing! He was about 50 years old and sounded like his entire life had been one big “Fuck you buddy!” from the universe. He was a private music teacher because he couldn’t get a band to accept him as a member, he wasn’t making enough teaching music so that’s why he needed a roommate and even then he might not be able to afford the rent. If he couldn’t get more private students he’d have to move back to his small village and live with his mother who had dementia. The last roommate had left without paying the rent for the last two months. He was OK with that because he must have done something to offend her. Why else would she not pay the rent? So he believed. He promised to stay out of the way if I brought a woman around so he wouldn’t scare them with his looks. Me being me I tried to be polite and offer words of encouragement. Get him to see things differently you know? But maaan, after like 10 minutes I had to get the HELL out of there! I almost ran into the kitchen and grabbed a spoon to try and slash my wrists! A lot of people have self-esteem issues and are insecure. It’s just, when you are talking someone into taking a room by saying they can pay less because you are such a horrible person when you’ve already said you can barely afford to pay your share as is.. It’s not really a convincing sales pitch. Poor guy. I searched the news for a week after that visit expecting to read about a single man around 50 who hung himself with guitar string in his small shabby apartment.

The last apartment I saw can best be described as all that glitters isn’t gold. Set up an appointment to see this place and I walk in and the place is DA BOMB!! It’s a very nice, totally renovated apartment. Everything is top of the line, custom fitted, just unbelievable. What would’ve been my room is HUGE! Had a massive plasma flat screen, separate seating area in the room with a sofa and table, nice little balcony. Kitchen had a gas range like you’d find on a cooking show with a fridge that would be at home in an American kitchen. I had stars in my eyes! I just knew I was moving in! Even did the “I found my apartment dance.” So, the owner of the apartment, a younger German male in his late 20’s, says he wants to get to know me better. Fair enough, that’s normal in Germany. They view the person who might live with them as more a potential friend than just someone who pays to live with them. My Spidey senses did start to tingle when he offered me a white wine in a glass the size of a baby’s head, but that shower! It’s the type with the massive shower head so it feels like you’re in a rain forest when you’re showering! So we’re in the living room talking and chitchatting watching TV. He asks me what I do blah blah blah. Then I ask him what he does. He’s a flight attendant. My Spidey senses are buzzing at this point. Now, I’m sure there are men who are straight who are hair dressers and flight attendants. I’m positive they exist. I personally have not run across any yet in my life. And that alone is not enough to worry me. Even if he is gay, it doesn’t mean he finds me attractive and wants to get in my pants. I pushed aside my homophobic thoughts and relaxed. This guy excuses himself and goes to the kitchen again and comes back with shots of Jägermeister. Shots of Jägermeister?? At an apartment viewing?? Mhmm.. I say I need to use the bathroom, but take the shot before I go into the bathroom, didn’t swallow it and then spit it out in the bathroom sink. Something told me being drunk around this dude might not be a good idea. I still was trying to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. This apartment was too nice to give up on! I composed myself in the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and came back in the living room and sit back down on the sofa.  On the flat screen TV looks like a penis. My brain and my eyes started having this conversation between themselves.

Eyes: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! That’s a dick!”

Brain: “No, no. Couldn’t be. Contacts must be cloudy, look again.”

Eyes: “Muthafucca I know what a dick look like! It’s dick goddammit!”

Brain: “Are you 100% sure? Cause if that’s a dick then we are in trouble and we need to make damn sure that’s a dick before we react.”

Eyes: “Hmm.. Ok. Let’s see. No, actually, I was wrong it’s not a dick. It’s TWO dicks! IT’S GAY PORN, IT’S GAY PORN!!”

At that point my brain went into self-preservation mode and did all it could to protect my innocence, my eyes shut involuntarily as tight as possible and my hands went to my ears to block out all noises. I started humming gospel songs to prevent random sounds from the television making their way through my hands and I slowly rocked back and forth trying to find my happy place. Situations like that show a person’s true character. Maybe another man would’ve punched him in the face. Hard. Repeatedly. I honestly didn't want to hurt the guy’s feelings! Dammit I am so not a thug! If I remember correctly I believe I told him the wine didn’t agree with me and I needed to go because I was gonna be sick. What I DO remember is him saying I might feel better if I got undressed and laid down in his bed.. (-_-) That was the end of that apartment. There was even heated flooring in the bathroom! *sigh. After I’m out of the apartment this guy texts me, “Oh why did you leave? You could’ve slept over.” Etc etc. Again, I tried to be uber polite and explained I had a girlfriend AND I wasn't gay. At all. Like, not at all at all. He said OK and that he understood and the room was mine if I wanted it. He then proceeded to send me Whatsapp photos of his ass… Since then my phone hasn't worked the same since. His ass broke my phone!

Maybe it’s not a good idea if my current roommate reads this post. He might raise the rent on me knowing what I went through to find where I am now!

Epilogue

About a month ago I’m in my favorite café in my neighborhood. I’m relaxing, doing some work on my laptop. Two guys come in and sit across the room at a table. I pay no attention at all and only look up because they walk past. I only take notice when my ears pick up, “Flight attendant for a major German airline.” Then I paid attention. Yep. It was him. Mr. Gay-porn-showing-break-a-phone-wit-his-ass in the flesh! I started having flashbacks and almost hyperventilated on the spot! I had a hat on and pulled it as far down as it would go. Because of course that is disguise enough for a muscular black man in a café full of white Germans. Idiot. I didn't know what else to do! I packed up my bag as slowly and quietly as I could. I literally took the form of Voldemort in the first Harry Potter movie and slid out my chair. I dropped my jacket but because I was afraid bending down to pick it up would ruin my perfect disguise I didn’t try to pick it up. I had hid my face but not my ass! I kicked my jacket all the way through the coffee shop until I got outside. I picked that bitch up and ran home like the police were chasing me. At one point I thought I heard somebody yell out my name and a “Momma!” escaped my lips. I couldn't help it! I admit it! I was scared!  Besides, everybody know yellin’ “Momma!” creates a force field of protection around you. Say what you want to, but I made it home safely.  

Epilogue Deluxe

This guy now follows me on Facebook. Great. Just f*cking great. 

OBSERVATIONS ON MEETING PEOPLE IN BERLIN

I’ve lived in many different countries and visited countless cities. Anyone who experiences multiple cultures and is comfortable being on the outside looking in becomes more adept at observing the subtle nuances and flavors the residents of a city may miss. Now, I’ve lived in Berlin for almost 7 years. I love this city wholeheartedly. That love is the only thing that keeps me here at times. As we all know, just because you love something doesn’t always mean you like it. These are observations I have asked other expats about, discussed at length with German clients, and even specifically broached the subject with born and bred Berliners. Not all agreed with the motives behind the actions, but they did feel my observations about the occurrence of these things were spot on.  There are a few things I’ve observed about meeting people here in Berlin. Did you ever notice...

It’s really hard to find an apartment in Berlin at the moment. Many lament the skyrocketing rents and lack of affordable housing which contribute to the situation. But those are people attempting to rent or lease an entire apartment. I am speaking of the difficulty in finding a room in a shared apartment. It is an adventure akin to Frodo taking that damn ring back to Mordor! As an American, we tend to conduct roommate searches in the following manner; we tell friends that our current housemate is moving out and for them to let anyone know who may be looking there is a room free. Then, the person contacts us, we set up a meeting, they come over and see the place, and if you really feel like they are cool you might offer them something to drink or some snacks over small talk, then they say they will get back to you and leave. That’s it! No complications! In Berlin, it’s just a taaaaad bit.. uum.. special. FIRST, you have to get an appointment. That first email is more stressful then writing an essay for your college entrance application! You have to explain why you are in Berlin, what you hope to accomplish during your time here, what you did before, what are your hobbies, do you have any communicable diseases. Ok, just joking about the communicable diseases. It’s intense! As stressful as getting an appointment is, it has nothing on the actual interview. Trust me; it is an interview and NOT a casual meeting for you to see the apartment. I asked my German friends why this process is so intimidating here in Berlin. They explained it like this, in Berlin roommates aren’t just someone you want to have sharing your apartment, it is someone you want sharing your life. Meaning they want that person to hopefully become their friend. Ooooooh Okaaaay. Well then it makes perfect sense to stress me out to the point I’m getting cold sweats and about to hyperventilate! You want to be my FRIEND! So THAT’S why you ask me if I’m a loud breather and how often I get up during the night to pee. On the other hand though, it does make a lot of sense.  Everyone has had a roommate we didn’t really like. It’s a roll of the dice whether they are truly normal or only acting normal to get the room. Maybe if we put more effort into the process, we could eliminate the ones who sit at the kitchen table and gnaw on their toenails while you are trying to eat dinner. Or the ones who leave the bathroom smelling like they hid 3 or 4 decomposing bodies in it. And we ALL know the roommate who eats up all your food and doesn’t replace it and makes you believe you are going crazy. “Now I know I had some BBQ chicken and a Müller Milch in here!” We’ve all had them!

Yet another thing I have observed about meeting people in Berlin is, as an American, I totally understand how our culture is much more receptive to speaking to strangers. For example, the layout of bars in the U.S. is conducive to standing which allows for greater mobility to interact with other people not in your immediate vicinity. You hear a group speaking about something interesting it is not SO strange to join the conversation. Not exactly the case in Berlin. If you are new to Berlin and go out alone, you quickly get a sense things are not quite set up the same way. Many bars have seating arrangements that make it almost detrimental to your health to stand. It’s sit down or be trampled. Even if it is a “typical” bar layout one is accustomed to, that ease of conversation hopping is painfully lacking here in Berlin. From what I can gather, these seem to be the rules:

·        Position your seats in such a way that it is obvious to outsiders they are not welcome.

·        The people you are with are the only people you may engage in conversation.

·        Exceptions are the bartender, wait staff, and to ask someone for a light. Failure to adhere to these rules shall result in a sever reprimand from the group.

·        Exceptions to rule number three are only valid for people asking, “Do you have a light?” acceptable variations of this question can be found in the German Civil Code. Any deviation from the acceptable form is met with icy glare and stony silence.

·        A person is considered an outsider until a C.V. and two references are submitted three weeks in advance of a scheduled night out for the group to approve their admission.

·        If an outsider approaches your group, meet them with an icy glare and stony silence until they feel extremely uncomfortable and inadequate and slinks away rejected.

It is not Berlin culture to have a stranger attempt to start a conversation. I have German clients who have worked over 10 years with their colleagues and didn’t know simple basic information like the other wasn’t German, but Hungarian, or one co-worker was an amputee! The way he walked reminded me of an ex co-worker of mine who had an artificial limb. I asked him about it one day. He wasn’t embarrassed about it, just was never asked. The other students laughed! They thought he was joking! He then took off his prosthetic to prove he really had a fake leg... Only then did they believe him. The looks on their faces! Took everything I could not to die of laughter!

That “No talking to strangers” we learn as children in the U.S. is taken to an entirely higher level here in Berlin. Apparently, it’s also includes, “Don’t talk about strange things” as in the case of the leg. All of this leads to it being very tough to meet people here in our city. Yes, there are bars and clubs where the status quo is more open, I know those establishments quite intimately, but I was hard-pressed to even remember my own name afterwards let alone someone else’s.

The no speaking to strangers thing is highly unusual when you notice that Berliners don’t have the same sense of personal space as most Americans. I mean, in Berlin the tables at restaurants are smaller and MUCH closer together. As in it is not uncommon to literally be eating elbow to elbow with a complete stranger. Germans don’t think that is the slightest bit weird but find it horrifying if I try to ask casual questions at the bus stop? Really?? So you can sit down next to me so close that our knees are touching and if you turn your head too suddenly I get a mouthful of your hair, but you act like I tried to reach into your plate to try your food after picking my nose if I ask you a few questions? No comprendo. BUT, you will listen to my conversation at MY table and then talk about the conversation at MY table as if there is some magical sound barrier that blocks your conversation but not ours. This ain’t Hogwarts people! Focus!

So, from what I have deduced is that it is Berliners bark is worse than their bite. Meaning they come off as being hella cold and distant.. Ok, ok, they really are cold and distant but they aren’t really so mean. It just takes a lot to get close to them because there is a huge gulf between stranger and friend to them. You are either one or the other, no exceptions. When you finally cross that ginormous distance to the friendship shore you are IN! As in they would do damn near anything for you! “Hey Jürgen, I’m moving into a new apartment and I sure could use an extra set of hands.” Jürgen will be there Saturday morning, ON TIME, not only with his hands but his tools to help you install your lights, bathroom mirror and kitchen if need be. Berliner friends are on POINT! It’s just getting past that initial obstacle to find out how cool they can be! Someone really needs to create a FUNomenal location where it’s easier to interact with Berliners so us expats can fit in easier.. I’m just saying...