10 GREAT IDEAS FOR A 40th BIRTHDAY GIFT

I recently celebrated my 40 birthday in San Sebastian, Spain. I had an amazing time with some amazing friends in an amazing city. Now, I’ve already touched on what it felt like turning 40. Three weeks in I can say being 40 is GREAT! While sitting around with my friends in Spain we somehow started talking about which gifts would be great for the average 40-year-old to get. As we began this conversation in a bar at 11pm on my last day of being in my 30’s, you can imagine the potential gifts became increasingly more and more outlandish and less realistic as the night progressed. I tried to use the memo app on my phone to remember them but 4 drinks in I accidentally erased the first draft and drunkenly tried to remember the ones we’d already discussed. These are the 10 I could decipher the next day. Just to add, there was a woman present during this list making process incase readers assume it was a bunch of middle-aged men going through a midlife crisis who made the list.

1. A Plane Ticket

Maybe this gift excites me so much because I’m a traveler. A plane ticket to ANYWHERE in the world you want to go? I’d pee my pants from excitement if I got this present! And then I’d spend the next week locked in my apartment researching where to go. Yes, this would be a lovely present for anyone who isn't terrified of flying...

2. Concert/Sporting Tickets

Actually, this gift is not age dependent when I think about it now. A ticket to any sporting event or concert of your choosing. When I was 20 I would have appreciated this gift just as much as I would now. Nonetheless, still would be a badass present to receive. What would make this present badass if you could attend ANY sporting event or concert, EVER! Can you imagine seeing Jimi Hendrix in 1967 at Monterey Pop Festival!? Hell, why not just go to Woodstock! Or how about when an unknown Biggie Smalls (his name then) is called up on stage to freestyle with Tupac at a NYC concert!? Don’t even get me started on Michael Jackson! Speaking of Michael, watching Michael Jordan during his prime. The Miracle on Ice Hockey Game would have to be considered as well. So many sweet sweet options to choose from!

3. Dinner with Friends

Unless you live in a village of 200 people high in the Himalayas all of your friends probably don’t live in the same place. Imagine a dinner with all of your best friends and/or family in one place. That alone would be awesome. But to make it super awesome, the chef of your choice would do the cooking! Come on now! I know even the Republicans and bible thumpers like this one! When you’re 20 you eat what you can afford. At 40 your palate matures and you prefer quality and you can afford to spoil yourself a bit more. People you love all in one room eating delicious food? Shiiiiiiiiid! Sign me up right NOW!   

4. A Bullshit Detector

At 40 we are too damn old to be wasting our time, on anything. Twenty years ago it was fun playing in the swirling chaos of uncertainty. It gave us conversation topics for our friends. But now? No thank you. Imagine a gift that would tell you immediately if someone was bullshitting you. Now, this is different from a lie detector. Someone can be telling the truth but still bullshitting you. Or conversely, they can be bullshitting themselves and as a result you get shit on you as a result. “I’m ready to have kids and settle down.” BEEP BEEP BEEP! *Pleasant Siri type voice. “He’s ready to settle down and have kids with his ex he’s still in love with. In no way will it be you.” Imagine men if a woman says, “I believe women expect too much nowadays and don’t take care of their man enough.” BEEP BEEP BEEP!! “She believes this but her idea of taking care of you is spending your money buying clothes so she looks good when you come home from working all day while she’s out shopping.” Yes, this would be at the top of every person turning 40. Younger people might buy it, but I have a feeling many would take it back because let’s face it, when you are under the age of 30 you kinda revel in drama. At 40+ ain't no body got time for that! 

5. A Book

This isn’t just ANY book. This book has all of your mistakes from your 30’s. Every. Single. One. All of your boneheaded decisions just laid out in written form that you committed from the age of 30 to 39. Now, it may not seem like a great gift now, but the kicker would be the ANSWERS to your mistakes would be in the book as well. Oooooooh SNAP! That’s some deep ish right there huh? I know people reading this thinking, “Where can I buy this book!?” A personal manual on how you should’ve handled mistakes from your 30’s. Yes, every action we make takes us to a place with the potential to learn and grow. I’m just saying though, explanation to WHY we did what we did and answers to those open-ended questions that resulted from our mistakes. My book with be so damn thick it would take me a week to read. It also would be so dog-eared with the margins all marked and written up too. Oh how I would love this present. Wait.. I have journals. It's more or less the same thing, only without the answers. Hmm... 

6. Threesome

Pretty much speaks for itself. All I’m saying is, who wouldn’t want two people catering to all of your carnal desires for an evening?? I know there are people who will SAY they don’t. “I only need my husband/wife.” or some other crazy ish like that. I’m guessing if you don’t like this gift you’re a Republican and would prefer cocaine. Hey, I wouldn’t have turned down for my birthday!

7. Five Minute Conversation

Only 5 minutes is allowed. I guess because the long distance charges are too high. No idea why we decided on 5 minutes but by number 5 on this list I’m sure we were pretty lit and it made sense then. The conversation can only be had with yourself, at any age of your choosing. Whoa. So would you want to talk to your 14-year-old self who is always getting picked on in high school and has low self esteem and you tell yourself it will get better? Or would you speak with your 60-year-old self to calm your fears about the future? Oh so many options! And you only have 5 minutes! Do you only ask yes or no questions? Do you even ask questions?? Which age do you choose? This present has the potential to be abused. I could see people using the 5 minutes to tell their younger selves the winning lottery numbers. Then again.... 

8. A Mulligan

I’m not a golfer, at all. The one time I did go golfing I was 22 and Tiger Woods had just one The Masters. Everyone on that damn golf course was looking at me expecting the second coming of Moses. The real one and not the fake white Christian Bale one! What they got was a first timer who had a swing like a 90-year-old with a bad hip. I was beyond terrible and thoroughly embarrassed. Other than learning I had no future in golf I learned the term mulligan. It’s seared in my brain because I used 1,396 on that day. It is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. *Sigh. An opportunity to go back to tell someone you care about that you love them, or to swallow your pride and apologize. Maybe even just to go back, call in sick to work or skip classes and lay in bed with them all day cuddling and talking about nothing in particular. Or to use that condom you brought with you but were too lazy to get up and get out of your wallet! Yeah, at 40 having a mulligan would be extremely…nice. 

9. Another Threesome

I mean, if you’ve waited until your 40 to have one you might as well have two to make sure you remember the first. Also, the first time I tried wine I hated it. HATED it. Figured it wasn’t my thing. It took awhile, and some patient Italians to show me the light. Maybe threesomes are the same way!?!? Maybe you won’t like the first so you need to have one multiple times to make sure it suits you. I don’t know, but the first chance I get to test this theory I’ll let you know. And I hope I can let you know soon. I’m not getting any younger and the only threesome a 65-year-old has not named Hugh Hefner is with his physical therapist, doctor and health insurance agent.

10. Eat Whatever You Want

It might be obvious which sex REALLY wanted this on the list in the group. Let me expand this one. The exact wording was, “Be able to eat whatever you absoFUCKinglutely want for a year without gaining weight.” Any weight they stressed. Not even a damn gram more than you weigh when the year starts. We’re talking double chocolate fudge dipped in salted caramel cake with a side of Oreo cookie and mint chocolate chip ice cream on the side for breakfast, lunch and dinner and you never need to step on a scale because you know you’re not gaining a single pound for 365 days. I think my best friend almost caught the holy spirit just talking about this present! YES jee-SUS! I can see the value of this present. I can also see a lot of jealous friends too for that year if you’re a woman. How fun would it be if you went out with your girls and all of them are eating salad to make up for the Christmas holidays and you’re eating French fries with milk chocolate sauce. No, no, no. I see a lot of envy occurring with this gift. Men would get the guy to enter eating contests every single day of the year to see how much he could fit in his stomach before he spewed it all back up. We’re childish like that no matter the age.

Fabulous 40th in San Sebastian, Spain
 

There you have it, 10 perfect gift ideas for someone turning 40. Are any of these gifts possible? Eh. Depends on your salary, connections and imagination I guess. I can say it was FUN talking about the list. And it made me realize why I’m friends with the people who came with me to Spain for my birthday. We are all perverted intellectuals who can sometimes act like little kids. I love them for that. Looking forward to the next person who turns 40 in our group!

OBSERVATIONS ON TURNING 40

Today I turn 40. I guess it’s a milestone, or a reason to celebrate. It’s also a fact of life, I mean, after 39 comes 40. Now, before anyone thinks I’m sitting in front of my laptop writing observations instead of celebrating there are actually some positives to technology. I scheduled these observations to post on my birthday at a specific time. At the moment, I’m in Northern Spain (hopefully it’s sunny) relaxing (or recovering) and enjoying the company of good friends and gearing up for the next 40 years. There are a few things I’ve observed in my time on earth. These observations might only be particular to me, but these are things I’ve noticed…

I don’t look 40. Now, I only say that with only a PINCH of ego. Yeah yeah “black don’t crack”. But I REALLY don’t look 40. I recently got a tattoo from one of the top tattoo artists in China. He doesn’t speak a word of English and everything had to go through his interpreter. They pointed out that two of my tattoos were fading. I explained that it’s normal for tattoos to fade after 20 years. There response was, “Are you Asian?” Confused I asked them to explain. They said I must be Asian to look so young. I admit it made me feel good. Who doesn’t like to hear compliments like that! After the tattoo the artist said it was a pleasure to tattoo someone with such healthy skin. My first observation is on why I think I look young for my age.

No kids. Hey, I love kids. Even though I’m now 40 I still hope to meet someone not too opposed to bearing the child of a middle-aged man. As much as children bring laughter and joy everyone knows they also cause stress. It’s a proven fact that stress ages the body. I am only concerned with feeding, clothing and caring for myself. I have eaten cereal for breakfast, lunch, dinner AND snack on more than a few occasions. I once wore the same pair of socks for a week straight without washing them. Ok, I was traveling around Central America and lost my other pairs but still. Try having a 6 year wear the same pair of socks that long. I only have to worry about myself and sometimes I mess that up! I know how much stress I caused my mother. I was devious and asked questions non-stop. How she worked a full time job, dealt with a husband and took care of house and home without swinging me around by my feet above her head like a helicopter to get me to shut up I don’t know. Point is, I stressed her. Now my mom looks great for her age, but if she didn’t have 4 kids she’d be running around here looking like she’s 35.

I’ve lived in many different countries and overall my stress level in foreign countries for 11 months equals the stress I experience being in the US for one. I worry less about what’s in my food outside of the USA. Big difference only needing to check the sugar and fat content of food and not if it’s been genetically modified or sprayed with pesticides or even real. I eat way less meat and smaller portions which in turn makes me healthier. I also snack less being outside the US, unless it’s cereal. Another thing that makes me healthier? Vacations! We don’t vacation in the United States. Loading up your bad a$$ kids and driving 10 hours straight to visit your parents for a 3 day weekend is not a vacation! When Europeans take a break from work, they BREEAAK! Work is the last thing on their mind for 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! My American butt thought that was ridiculous until I moved to Europe and actually started vacationing. Talk about wiping the slate clean and recharging your batteries, whew! But the biggest factor that keeps me looking youthful from not living in the US is being alive. Real talk. I go to a movie theater in Europe my biggest concern is if I’ll need to use the bathroom halfway through, not if a person will walk in and start shooting. Matter of fact, everywhere I go in Europe I know the only people who will have guns are the police. That is a beautiful thing! Oh, and police don’t use black people for target practice in Europe. Yeah, that also keeps a brother looking young.  Ducking and dodging bullets ages a person! In saying that, I still have a sh!t ton of gray hair!

Which leads me to my second observation of turning 40. Women LOVE a man with a bit of gray. When I was in my 20’s I didn’t get why women my own age were all into men so much older than them. I mean, a man in his 20’s is normally in better shape, has more hair, more energy, more sexual stamina, and blah blah blah. Now that I’m 40 there are women who when I was 25 I would’ve had to put in WORK for are stepping to me. Being in your late 30’s and early 40’s for a man with some gray is not a bad place to be. I don’t know if they assume older man more money? Which makes no sense in Berlin since no one has any money here. Or older man more likely to be ready to settle down? Older men don’t chase it so we’re more of a challenge? No idea. I just know I ain’t mad!

A very very real thing I have noticed is the beginning of physical deterioration. Every time I hear someone who is 40+ talk about being just as good as they were 10 years ago I want to slap them in the face and yell “Snap out of it man! For the love of God wake up!” It’s called reality people. How many professional athletes are still playing at 40 years old? There might be one or two exceptions but for the most part there are none. And if they are out there they aren’t at the top of their game. I feel it when I work out. Every 6 weeks I need to change up my workouts to low impact body weight things to give my joints a rest. In my 20’s I could go two weeks without working out and eat like I was a prison inmate getting his last meal and not look any different. If I go three days now without working out and don’t have a strict healthy diet, I look like I came from a frat party where I played 12 hours of beer pong straight. Just the way it is. I know I can push myself to be in the best possible shape I can be in now, and it won’t match my physical highs of 10 years ago. Case in point, a couple of weeks ago I started a new workout that calls for me to do explosive vertical jumps. That’s simply jumping as high as you can, nothing more. But think about it, when is the last time you’ve jumped as HIGH as you can? Why would you? So I jumped. Now, when I was 13 years old I won silver in the AAU Jr. Olympics in the long jump. I jumped 20ft (6 meters). Where I'm from we call that hops. I could fly. COULD people, remember that. Spiritually I touched the moon on that first vertical jump. My soul soared and was like “Wahooooooo!”. In reality it was more like, “Wa!” cause I came back to earth so fast. My spirit hit its head on the roof of my skull from that rapid decent. I clicked my teeth I hit the ground so hard. My brain was like a woman who is celibate for years then finally decides to have sex and the man lasts like 3 strokes, “Is that all? Are you seriously telling me that’s all? I coulda kept my clothes on for that mess.” My physical body was like the man, “I don’t know what happened! This has never happened before! Let me try again!”. At that moment I perfectly understood the saying, mind is willing but the body isn’t able. You know what? I’m perfectly OK with that. Before I worked out to set personal bests in the gym. When I was 25 I weighed 170lbs (77kg) and benched 385lbs (175kg). Now I work out to look good naked. I honestly have no idea how much I can bench press and I could give two sh!ts. My tattoos are still in the same places now as they were 20 years ago and women still stare at my butt when I wear fitted pants. THAT is my measuring stick now. Now on the mental level?? TOTALLY different story! But for the physical? Yeah, I feel it. Extra 15 minutes for warmup before I work out, taking random days off to recover and  joint pain after walking up 5 flights of stairs is my life at 40.

I’m 40 and not married, never been married and from the first observation obviously childless. My past relationships failed for a number of reasons, admittedly mostly due to this. But I at least was smart enough to pick up a few things that at 40 I believe I’ve finally figured out. In my opinion there are 4 pillars of attraction to a successful relationship. They are Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual and Emotional. If you don’t have at least three of those things your relationship will tip over and crash. With only two you might be able to balance things for a while, but you won’t have a sturdy foundation to see you through the tough times. Yes, looks are going to fade, but you can’t see someone’s kindness and compassion across the street. It’s the first thing we see and it’s nice to have. One of my favorite things, right up there with cake, is to be in a shop or bookstore and see an attractive woman out the corner of your eye and think, “Daaaamn!!!” Then that woman walks your way and you puff out your chest and suck in your gut and you realize it’s your girlfriend. Then you get all happy cause you are like, “She’s with me!?! I get to see her naked!!” Physical attraction, helping people want to make babies since forever.

Intellectual for me is HUGE! And a sidebar observation, folks these days have forgotten what intellectual conversation means. Hell! People don’t even KNOW what conversation means! Conversation is a form of talking. Talking refers to a conversational exchange. Telling is used to inform or instruct. Talking is not the same as telling. When people talk they EXCHANGE ideas. Telling is when you provide information and is a one-way street. If you are always telling your significant other things you are not creating the environment for you two to learn more about each other and expand the boundaries of your intellectual capacity. There are only so many times someone can tell me about their day or what so and so did before I get bored. But if someone talks to me about the organizational structure of their job and how it prevents them from growing in a professional capacity or the behavioral basis for why people act a certain way I’m down like four flat tires to do that for hours. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds events; small minds discuss people.” People don’t talk as much as they did 10 or 20 years ago. There are enough posts about that due to a number of factors, but I definitely notice it as I get older on a personal level. Communication is the key in relationships and that entails talking, posting Facebook memes does not count! If you’ve been dating someone for months and you don’t know their views on politics, religion, relationships, sex, extraterrestrial life, Marvel vs DC Comics and sweet vs savory… you are missing one of those 4 pillars. And books, if a person doesn’t have books in their apartment or house, run. Quickly. And don’t stop until you can't hear their cries of “where are you going?!?”. Books provide so much fuel for great conversations I can’t see meaningful conversation without them.

Spiritual and Emotional are connected in many ways. A couple on some level should believe there is a higher power that brought them together. I know it sounds hokey but these are MY observations. I just believe when people act like there was a cosmic design to bring you together you appreciate what you have a bit more.  Hopefully you explore it and strive to comprehend it on a deeper and more fulfilling level which leads to a stronger emotional bond. If you’re with someone only because they have the right family name or enough zeroes in their salary, then your spiritual and emotional connection is weak. You're also not going to be interested in a more profound relationship either that works toward enlightening your spirits and strengthening your emotional bonds.

Ok, so in theory relationships lead to marriage and I am at that age now where a lot of first marriages are ending and second marriages are beginning. Lord knows as someone who has never been married I have no idea what it takes to be happily married or have a happy marriage. I have however observed enough relationships and marriages to have an opinion. Marry your first love or wait until you are as close to 40 as possible. Now, some people might read first love and imagine their first boyfriend or girlfriend and say, “Nooo way!”. I would have to agree. My first REAL girlfriend eventually became my fiancé. What a disaster that was! Best thing that ever happened was me not marrying that woman. After her though I met my first love. Oh that experience...Yeah, that experience went on to shape a significant portion of my life and put a permanent stamp on my definition of love itself. Your first love is pure and untainted. You only know endless possibilities and haven’t experienced heartbreak to be distrustful. You follow impulses and desire and treat every single moment as a treasure with no regard to the consequences. You love as if you will never be hurt and never doubt the source of your love and more importantly, theirs. There is no word in any language to describe a first love. It is an authentic force that never dies, it is only altered and continues to evolve for all of eternity. It’s never ever a mistake to dive into that love at the first opportunity and swim in it for as long as you can.

If by chance you don’t get that opportunity, wait. Again, these are my observations. In my late 20’s I felt an obligation to get married which is much stronger in certain cultures than others but still very prevalent. When your heart is clouded by the weight of expectations  it’s always best to wait until you can hear it more clearly. For me it’s as I’ve moved closer to 40. I’ve moved past a lot of insecurity and dealt with a lot of emotional issues that kept me from being able to truly commit to a person in a healthy relationship. I had to unlearn some harmful habits andstart trusting the voice of my heart again. A long and painful process but very necessary part of my journey. I’m not saying I’m 100% ready, but I am much closer today than I was yesterday and certainly more so than I was 10 years ago. My level of appreciation for someone who can not only put up with my scars but love me not in spite of them, but because of them is infinite now.  And that’s how I feel about that.

My final observation on turning 40 is getting older makes you long-winded! But hey, you can always stop reading! So, I've noticed that your circle of friends shrinks. As you get older the number of people you consider to be friends grows smaller. That is for a number of reasons and everyone has different ones. For me I realized that often times the people I thought were my friends were people who were cool to go out and party with. Not the same as being someone I could turn to when I felt lost and needed a steadying hand. I also confused someone being friendly with being my friend. A conversation I had with a very wise woman set me straight on that a few years ago. The gist of the conversation was that I was wrong in assuming I had a lot of female friends. She had one simple test for me when a female who I hadn’t spoken to in a long time tried to reconnect, ask if they were single. She explained that more often than not a woman reaching out to me was because she was currently or recently single and wanted to gauge the possibility of us RECONNECTING (nudge nudge wink wink). She was right. At my age the people who want to communicate with me I really like and I believe the feeling is mutual. There is no hidden agenda and they have my best interest at heart. That makes our interaction very… reassuring. compared to my 20's, I interact with much fewer people. I'm OK with that. The ones who are in my life now are meant to be there and even if our interaction is brief it's still extremely special to me. It has more impact and value. 

Ok, my last observation of turning 40.. Hey! My birthday, my observations, my rules. So

two last observations! Family. Family gets more important and you miss them more as you get older. You may have your differences with your family but you’ve never heard anyone saying that’s my ex-brother or my ex-cousin. You will always be family and there is something powerful and special in that. You share a bond with those people that goes back generations of a lot of different factors coming into play that produced that blood. With my family I am now Jesus. Not saying I’m turning water into wine or raising the dead! More like the forgiving part. Believe it was 7x70? In other words, people make mistakes and family should always get extra leeway. And I live in Berlin so I miss a lot of their mistakes also, easier to forgive what you don't know about! Ha! 

Yeah, that’s enough. Now back to my scheduled 40^th birthday celebration in Spain. It’s been a FUNomenal journey so far and I am looking forward to what the future brings. Hopefully some cake... *sigh I really love cake.