BERLIN. FUN and HAPPY?

While at dinner with my business partner and his associate we began discussing why we all decided to move to Berlin. During the conversation my business partner suddenly stated that Berlin is a city to have fun, but not a place to find happiness. He believes one must go elsewhere for that. His associate immediately agreed.  I’d never even thought of Berlin along those lines before, but after his comment I had to agree as well. Berlin is a great place to have a lot of fun, but it is not a place one searches for happiness.

Berlin as a city is perfectly suited to have fun. I’m not saying Berlin is the most fun city in the world, only that the infrastructure in place is conducive to having fun. It’s one of the few major cities in the world built around the public transportation system which means one is not dependent on having a car to reach your preferred destination for the evening. Additionally, there is never a need for a designated driver! No unlucky soul reduced to coca cola all night and fighting to keep inebriated friends from standing on tables to sing off key 80’s hits at the top of their lungs with a cocktail in their hand while swaying dangerously. Throw in the relatively low cost of living and calling in sick on Monday morning doesn’t affect your ability to pay rent as it would in New York. A true Berliner can take €40 and eat at a decent restaurant, go to a bar after for drinks, hit up a club later and still have enough for a döner kebab at 5am as you wait for the subway to take you back to your centrally located apartment. That same €40 in London gets you dinner at a dodgy restaurant with questionable meat, share a pint with friends cause a cocktail is too expensive, and then standing outside a club you’d love to get in. After that you have just enough to catch the train to your dark hole of a room that is located on the outer edge of the city that you slave away to be able to afford. Berlin is a city in old Europe with the energy of the new. This clash creates a truly intoxicating mixture that breeds...fun. But happiness?

Every city in the world has a history steeped in sadness and pain. Excluding the former Yugoslavia republic, Berlin’s is a little more recent. No major European capital was forcibly split in half and physically divided against its will. Maybe the sadness of those separated families permeated the very fabric of the buildings. Or it could be the Berlin culture that even by German standards is very cold and unwelcoming. People crave social interaction on a level deeper than what a night at a club can provide. Berlin has the highest percentage of singles in Germany. Not surprisingly Berlin also has the highest rates of online dating in Germany. In a city known for having fun, why would people need the internet to meet people to date? That’s a second blog post but you can see where I’m going with this. Fun requires very superficial things while happiness requires some sense of connection.

This should probably lead to how I define happiness. Someone said to me that it is impossible to ALWAYS be happy but being content is perfectly realistic. I don’t know about that. It’s a conversation to have sitting around with friends debating over a good bottle of wine. Happiness, contentment or whatever word you decide to use is difficult to find in Berlin. My dinner companions suggested one needs to consistently take “breaks” from Berlin. Taking time off from work is obviously necessary, but they are convinced a Berliner literally needs to get out of the city limits. Get on a plane and go to an altogether different location and breathe non Berlin air. It is the only way to rid oneself of the disconnection and antagonistic mood that pervades the streets, according to them. It does alter my way of thinking about Berlin. I realized I have been chasing happiness in Berlin lately while not having any fun. How would my experience in Berlin change if I only expected fun but tempered my hope on happiness? For one, I probably would be less bitter and spend more energy on having fun. With starting a business my fun quotient has drastically dropped of late. Throw in most of the people I considered friends moving away and I rarely if ever go out in Berlin searching for.. fun. On the other hand I am constantly lamenting my unhappiness with certain aspects of the city. I need to just accept Berlin for what it is.. a mistress with some great qualities but she’ll never be wifey material. I’m OK with that. Some love affairs last longer than marriages. It gives me a much healthier perspective of my lover. Berlin, she doesn’t make me happy but she’s always down to have fun. I can live with that. 

2012

At the start of 2012 there were three things I politely requested from the universe; move into my dream apartment, have someone I cared for deeply be more present in my life, and lastly was to get married. Ask and you shall receive because I was blessed with all three!! Sorta. Kinda. In a way... See, wha ha happened waz...

I did move into an enormous loft on Paul-Lincke-Ufer in Kreuzberg which is the equivalent of living on Flatbush Ave. in Park Slope (Brooklyn). At first glance the place was awe inspiring, exposed brick, open-plan kitchen, and three bathrooms which one of them had an actual Jacuzzi! I was living the high life! But, if you looked closer you noticed everything wasn’t as wonderful as advertised. The overall construction was shoddy, the plumbing was suspect, the floor wasn’t level and the noise from the surrounding renovations was literally deafening. And let’s not forget the owner, crazier than a sack of angry cats. He treated the place like it was his living room! He came and went as he pleased with his own set of keys (illegal in Germany). Even though my roommates and I paid a significant amount of rent he persisted in trying to make my roommates feel as if they were indebted to him for “allowing” them to live there. He was intimidated by me so never said anything directly to me, but eventually just had his Polish workers enter the loft unannounced and remove my things from my room. In the end, after a series of phone calls to the police and constantly calling my lawyer to make sure I was within my rights to whoop a MFs behind, my roommates and I all decided it was better to move out. In a single weekend there was a flurry of packing and rushed goodbyes and my dream loft was no more.

My marriage, now that was much nicer. I was married to a woman I’ve known for over 15 years and consider to be my best friend. That is an essential ingredient to a long happy union. Our union probably would’ve been long and happy if it wasn’t for the tiny fact she is already happily married with kids. She and I went to Istanbul together for vacation and her husband and father asked me to “wed” her to lessen any unwanted male attention. It worked. And at the end of the trip I was no longer a “husband”.

My final resolution; having someone I cared for deeply be more present in my life. That happened as well. We reconnected and would just hang out and chill. It was good and I enjoyed her company immensely. She even baked me a birthday cake for my 37th and offered me her sofa during my loft escape. But as you can guess from the other two resolutions, upon closer inspection there were cracks and it ended. The end was much sadder than leaving an apartment and way more final than being “unmarried”, heartbreakingly so.

With any setback or adverse situation the key is finding the lesson that’s always there to be found. What did I learn? Instead of beseeching the universe for an amazing apartment or a wife, I should be asking to provide a woman who has the possibility to be my best friend who will be someone I’d love to marry and together we will make a place a home. I need to be more present which in turn will show anyone how I expect them to be. Being present doesn’t mean just showing up and that being enough. Showing up entails active participation, expending energy to engage another person on a deep and meaningful level.

After a hellish period of living out of my suitcase and relying on the kindness of friends, I finally have my own space again. It’s very nice, but it’s not my home. What it is though is peaceful. After my last apartment I truly appreciate that fact. Being married to my best friend was like a preview I reckon. She dictated which sites and attractions we would visit, cancelled said plans when she passed a shop that contained anything that caught her eye... or backtracked to said shops no matter how far away it was with me in tow, scrutinizing what I ate and giving me the disapproving eye when she caught me looking back at an extremely attractive woman which I immediately exclaimed, “You knew how I was when you married me!” All jokes aside, it would be nice to have a wife who is also my best friend. Things would just be so... solid. And having a wife who is my best friend and not already married would be even better so we can actually consummate the marriage. Cause let me tell you that part of my marriage SUUUUCKED! You don’t sleep in a separate bed on the honeymoon!! Who does that?? Shouldn’t that be like after at least 15 years of marriage? Come on man...

As for the person I wanted to be a part of my life, I take responsibility for bringing about the end. Things were stagnant in my relationship with the person. We were in this no man’s land between the plains of friendship and the cliff of being more. It wasn’t doing either of us any good and movement was required. Didn’t matter if it was backwards or forwards, things needed to be put into motion. I forced both of us to emphatically state our place in each other’s lives and we mutually chose no place at all. In hindsight I’m convinced I did the right thing, but how I expressed why I was doing it... yeah ok. That was probably tangled up with some ego and insecurity. The universe made damn sure I understood yet again that when you write a script with your own expectations disappointment always awaits you at the end of the episode. In addition, people have their own director’s chair and will exercise their right to make alterations and yell ‘cut!’ anytime they damn well please. I can say this though, no matter what she thinks about me, I’m certain she knows how I feel about her. I was always honest, upfront and direct with her about my feelings knowing full well I would receive nothing in return. There is no question I never shied away from the truth in that regard, even if she wasn’t ready or didn’t know how to handle it. When I say it like that the ending doesn’t seem so melancholy, but still poignant.

Right, 2013 is about being extremely clear to the universe so there are no gray areas at all. With that:
Dear Ms. Universe, for 2013 I’ve decided these things are in store for me; a beautiful well-constructed apartment in Berlin, lots of space to entertain friends and start a family when ready. Normal open-minded neighbors who are friendly enough to say hi to me and invite me to their parties, but not so nosey they stick their head out every time they hear me coming and going. And if I rent, no Romanian landlord please!! Also, fruitful and rewarding business partnerships with people I would feel comfortable with calling friends. Oh, a wife who isn’t already married would be nice. Best friend material, aaaaand if she can cook well that’s a huge plus. Ok, ok, if she can cook AND got a nice booty I’d be hugely appreciative. So, best friend material, can cook well and a nice butt in addition to the standard, intelligent, intellectual, down-to-earth, etc etc. This list is of course amendable at any point during 2013, but you get the point. Thank you Ms. Universe for my forthcoming blessings in 2013 and thank you for the life lessons learned in 2012.