I did move into an enormous loft on Paul-Lincke-Ufer in Kreuzberg which is the equivalent of living on Flatbush Ave. in Park Slope (Brooklyn). At first glance the place was awe inspiring, exposed brick, open-plan kitchen, and three bathrooms which one of them had an actual Jacuzzi! I was living the high life! But, if you looked closer you noticed everything wasn’t as wonderful as advertised. The overall construction was shoddy, the plumbing was suspect, the floor wasn’t level and the noise from the surrounding renovations was literally deafening. And let’s not forget the owner, crazier than a sack of angry cats. He treated the place like it was his living room! He came and went as he pleased with his own set of keys (illegal in Germany). Even though my roommates and I paid a significant amount of rent he persisted in trying to make my roommates feel as if they were indebted to him for “allowing” them to live there. He was intimidated by me so never said anything directly to me, but eventually just had his Polish workers enter the loft unannounced and remove my things from my room. In the end, after a series of phone calls to the police and constantly calling my lawyer to make sure I was within my rights to whoop a MFs behind, my roommates and I all decided it was better to move out. In a single weekend there was a flurry of packing and rushed goodbyes and my dream loft was no more.
My marriage, now that was much nicer. I was married to a woman I’ve known for over 15 years and consider to be my best friend. That is an essential ingredient to a long happy union. Our union probably would’ve been long and happy if it wasn’t for the tiny fact she is already happily married with kids. She and I went to Istanbul together for vacation and her husband and father asked me to “wed” her to lessen any unwanted male attention. It worked. And at the end of the trip I was no longer a “husband”.
My final resolution; having someone I cared for deeply be more present in my life. That happened as well. We reconnected and would just hang out and chill. It was good and I enjoyed her company immensely. She even baked me a birthday cake for my 37th and offered me her sofa during my loft escape. But as you can guess from the other two resolutions, upon closer inspection there were cracks and it ended. The end was much sadder than leaving an apartment and way more final than being “unmarried”, heartbreakingly so.
With any setback or adverse situation the key is finding the lesson that’s always there to be found. What did I learn? Instead of beseeching the universe for an amazing apartment or a wife, I should be asking to provide a woman who has the possibility to be my best friend who will be someone I’d love to marry and together we will make a place a home. I need to be more present which in turn will show anyone how I expect them to be. Being present doesn’t mean just showing up and that being enough. Showing up entails active participation, expending energy to engage another person on a deep and meaningful level.
After a hellish period of living out of my suitcase and relying on the kindness of friends, I finally have my own space again. It’s very nice, but it’s not my home. What it is though is peaceful. After my last apartment I truly appreciate that fact. Being married to my best friend was like a preview I reckon. She dictated which sites and attractions we would visit, cancelled said plans when she passed a shop that contained anything that caught her eye... or backtracked to said shops no matter how far away it was with me in tow, scrutinizing what I ate and giving me the disapproving eye when she caught me looking back at an extremely attractive woman which I immediately exclaimed, “You knew how I was when you married me!” All jokes aside, it would be nice to have a wife who is also my best friend. Things would just be so... solid. And having a wife who is my best friend and not already married would be even better so we can actually consummate the marriage. Cause let me tell you that part of my marriage SUUUUCKED! You don’t sleep in a separate bed on the honeymoon!! Who does that?? Shouldn’t that be like after at least 15 years of marriage? Come on man...
As for the person I wanted to be a part of my life, I take responsibility for bringing about the end. Things were stagnant in my relationship with the person. We were in this no man’s land between the plains of friendship and the cliff of being more. It wasn’t doing either of us any good and movement was required. Didn’t matter if it was backwards or forwards, things needed to be put into motion. I forced both of us to emphatically state our place in each other’s lives and we mutually chose no place at all. In hindsight I’m convinced I did the right thing, but how I expressed why I was doing it... yeah ok. That was probably tangled up with some ego and insecurity. The universe made damn sure I understood yet again that when you write a script with your own expectations disappointment always awaits you at the end of the episode. In addition, people have their own director’s chair and will exercise their right to make alterations and yell ‘cut!’ anytime they damn well please. I can say this though, no matter what she thinks about me, I’m certain she knows how I feel about her. I was always honest, upfront and direct with her about my feelings knowing full well I would receive nothing in return. There is no question I never shied away from the truth in that regard, even if she wasn’t ready or didn’t know how to handle it. When I say it like that the ending doesn’t seem so melancholy, but still poignant.
Right, 2013 is about being extremely clear to the universe so there are no gray areas at all. With that:
Dear Ms. Universe, for 2013 I’ve decided these things are in store for me; a beautiful well-constructed apartment in Berlin, lots of space to entertain friends and start a family when ready. Normal open-minded neighbors who are friendly enough to say hi to me and invite me to their parties, but not so nosey they stick their head out every time they hear me coming and going. And if I rent, no Romanian landlord please!! Also, fruitful and rewarding business partnerships with people I would feel comfortable with calling friends. Oh, a wife who isn’t already married would be nice. Best friend material, aaaaand if she can cook well that’s a huge plus. Ok, ok, if she can cook AND got a nice booty I’d be hugely appreciative. So, best friend material, can cook well and a nice butt in addition to the standard, intelligent, intellectual, down-to-earth, etc etc. This list is of course amendable at any point during 2013, but you get the point. Thank you Ms. Universe for my forthcoming blessings in 2013 and thank you for the life lessons learned in 2012.
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