Call me a heathen if you want, but I never go to church in Berlin. The ONLY time I intentionally am in a house of worship is when I am in a Muslim country visiting an ancient mosque and Christmas time when I am home visiting my family. I always make it a point to go with my mother on Christmas Sunday so she can coo with pride and show me off to the congregation. Because of this once a year sojourn into the black church I am more disconnected from things and have observed some interesting phenomena in the Lord’s house.
Black people will never ever, evereverevereverever, lose their rhythm while clapping. I don’t care what might be going on in the background, what distractions are taking place around them, black people will ALWAYS have the beat. I’ve been to a white church where a well-timed cough threw off the entire congregation. Bless their hearts though, the white people just laughed it off and started right back again. Now in a black church, I’ve seen black people clapping, turn around to see who’s walking into the church, wave at old friends, give their children the evil eye and mouth “Don’t make me have to take you to the bathroom!”, dig in their purses or pockets for tithe money and STILL... clap to the beat. They may get lost in Our Lady of the Blessed Saint Catholic Hail Mary Catholic Church but NEVER in Mount Zion Community Baptist Church of Jesus our Lord and Savior African AME!
Old black women at church guard their seats in pews like dragons guarding their stash of treasure. Don’t mess around and be sitting in an old black woman’s seat when she comes to church! If she don’t cut ya, she’ll just sit down on top of you. That dragon in The Hobbit got nothing, NOTHING I tell ya on old black women at church. Mess around if you want to and lose an eye! And then everyone would tell you it was your fault for sitting in Ms. Hattie seat anyway!
Ok, I will be the first to say I commend anyone who has the heart to go before a group of their peers and sing publicly. I doubly commend anyone who has the heart to do it in front of black people in the church. Thing is, if someone sings TERRIBLE in the church, they are still going to get love cause they were “Singing for the Lord.” But EVERRYBODY knows when somebody has messed up that solo and the preacher gets up after and says, “Well bless her heart.” In other words, “Heffa, don’t you volunteer for no more solos.” And when the Deacons just say, “Mmmhmm.”, that’s their way of going, “Boooooooooo!! Booooooooo!!”. And black people are so cool about it! To the untrained eye you would never suspect anyone thinks the singing is awful! The unsuspecting white person just confused and trying to figure out if they have the wrong channel or something. Little do they know.
Not as many black churches have this next observation now, but I saw a few throw back church members when I was in service with my mom Christmas. Those little paper fans on a flat wooden stick every black church used to have before A/C. When I was a child I believed those things were magic wands. Think about it now, when people used to get the Holy Ghost back in the day, that’s the ONLY thing that they used to calm people down. I for one would go nowhere near someone flailing their arms and carrying on, especially Ms. Jenkins. Ms. Jenkins used to carry on like she had the Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Mary, Joseph and they momma and daddy dem. I’d shoot a tranquilizer dart from a safe distance if I did anything! But God bless the lil church “nurses” that move in with those little fans and calm the fire burning in those people. I wonder if the magic comes from the MLK Jr photo on one side or if the funeral home advert that’s always on the other has it?? Or is it the combination of both that does it??? Forget a Harry Potter stupefy spell, give me one of this little fans and I could rob 8 banks! Bank tellers couldn’t tell the police anything! “Well it all went fuzzy when he started waving that little fan in my face. I remember focusing on how it was bent in the middle and flapping around and next thing I knew...” Give me an A-man if ya know what I’m talking about!
Speaking of the Holy Ghost, what in the WORLD does he say to black people that white people don’t hear?? In black churches, the Holy Ghost says act like you’re having an epileptic fit, run around the church at break neck speeds, and do dances from the 90’s. White people seem to hear raise their arms to the sky with their eyes closed. SOMETIMES they hear standup and sway from side to side. Is the Holy Ghost like a radio station and white people are tuned in to Classic Smooth Rock and black people Remixed 90’s Dance Hits?? He soothes white people and riles black people up? Dang Mr. Holy Ghost what you put in Deacon Jones cup??
Black people take going to church to a completely higher level than white people. For some, it’s Home Coming, Prom and New Year’s Eve all in one EVERY Sunday. WE come DRESSED; cause you never know when Jesus might come back! Can’t get into the pearly gates if you ain’t fresh and clean! White people dress like they’re going to meet up with their Puerto Rican friend Jesús for a BBQ, not bad, just... not like black people. In saying that, if you are black and you come to church with sneakers, old jeans, t-shirt or any attire not deemed “church clothes” you better bring a waiver. That waiver better list your financial details and health situation to explain the state of your apparel. Can’t only be broke and can’t only be sick, gotta be both to be excused for dressing like you don’t know any better. And even if you are granted a reprieve... ya still gonna get talked about! “Chiiild did you see those old behind British Knights he had on? Imma pray for him.”
Show of hands anyone who has ever gone to a church where a black preacher was soft spoken throughout the ENTIRE service? If you’re white and have never been to a black church let me explain. Black preachers start out in an easy and relaxing voice, imagine Billy Dee trying to sell you on the eternal afterlife. But at some point in the sermon he will become a human fog horn. I kid you not. It’s not the help of the microphone either. Black preachers have the ability to manifest the power of a megaphone in their vocal cords that none of us mere mortals will ever be able to match. I’ve tried to mimic black preachers before and all I got was a fit of coughing and a sore throat. Is there a class black preachers take in seminary school to train their vocal cords to harness all that power?? What’s the final exam like in this class?? Do they have to break a brick clean in half to be given the title of pastor?? So many questions!
Not sure if this is an observation or not, but could one say that churches are for believers what clubs are to sinners? Hear me out for a second people. People go to clubs to hear good music right? Don’t people also go to church to hear good music? Many women get all dressed up and hair all did to go to a club to look good to attract a man right?? Well, didn’t I just say black people go to church all dolled up looking spectacular? And who hasn’t heard their grandmomma say the church is the best place to find a husband or wife?? Black people dance at the club, black people dance in church when they catch the Holy Ghost. Entrance fee at the club, Tithes and offering at church, security at the club, Deacons at the church, can’t you see the parallels black people!?!? I’m just sayin...
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