Boys To Men

The following is a contribution to the book Boys To Men: The Guide for African American Boys I wrote at request of my mother, Dr. Cynthia Parker White who provided Chapter 10: Dealing with the Pain of an Absent Parent.

We always talk of the negative effects of the lack of a father in a man’s life. Growing up without the influence of a father is well documented. I’m interested in when they will decide to research the effects of a father who is present, but should be gone. Surely those scars are just as prominent and painful. My father was a constant presence in my life until the age of 13, then sporadically for another 4 years and after that, a casual visitor until I was 20 years old. After which we had no more than passing contact until his death. In those first 13 years he taught me how to abuse physically and verbally, how to break promises and he sure as hell tried to teach me how to destroy hopes and dreams. Who is to say not growing up with a father is worse than having your own look you in the eye and state rather emphatically that he hates you. That is not a memory I will soon forget. Then again, who is to say having your father taking out all of his unfulfilled potential and unmet expectations on your ego is better than not knowing your own father’s voice, his laugh or the feel of your hand in his. I really don’t know what not having my father around was like; I do know it took him not being around for me to begin to heal, to begin to learn to trust men.

I surrounded myself with women for years hoping the scent of their femininity masked the scent of my unease and fear. I felt I needed female protection from those raw wounds that energetically caused me to flinch instinctively when men reach out their hands in friendship. Over 20 years later I still have to steel myself as a warrior of old to walk amongst my own gender. Old habits die hard. If my father sought to maim and cripple me, why shouldn’t men I don’t know attempt the same? Your father not being in your life isn’t the end of your world, however it can make your world incredibly small, the same as having a father around who actively seeks to shrink your world down to his size to appease his demons. Maybe one day we’ll only be raising the issue of loving fathers who protect their children not only from dangers outside the home, but also those that live within. When we begin to have that conversation, knock on my door and ask me to join you. But if you send a man, ask him to knock more than once though and be prepared to wait longer than normal. It still takes me time to quiet the voice of mistrust, but much less than it used to be now that my father is not around.