I am keenly aware that there are a few enquiring minds interested in my plans now that my 90 days are complete. I’m also aware of the possible interest in helping me officially end my sexual purgatory with a reintroduction to the pleasures of femininity. It is my ego that ponders small minded matters such as those, but it does ponder… Nonetheless, as much as I have revealed in the process publicly, there are a few things I preferred to keep to myself and a select group as I made progress. If you’ve read the first blog Cold Turkey until the last 0, then it’s safe to assume you won’t mind reading one more.
I’ll let you in on a little secret; I didn’t change April 28 on day 90. The transformation that took place in me was brewing for quite awhile. People will tell you I was always headed in this direction; it’s that the process was accelerated exponentially in January. There was literally this light bulb moment where everything was properly in focus and clouds rolled back to reveal the truth. It was such a life altering experience. The catalyst for this ascension was a woman, or more specifically my love for a woman. Let me explain clearly that my conversion is not for this woman in the least. She and I becoming us again is not the element that fuels my passion to be better. However, my love for this woman.. I cannot even begin to explain the depth of my love for this woman. I lack the mastery of the English language to even try to do so. My love for this woman was my salvation.
My plan now is to continue moving forward. The definition of FORWARD according to Webster’s Online Dictionary is; deviating radically from convention or tradition. I include that only because it seems a few do not understand the significance of the word. What was the norm for me is no longer acceptable on any level, EVER. I know for most of my adult life I acted out sexually first. I felt extremely comfortable partaking in sex, but offering little else emotionally or spiritually. What if I, for once, just to try it out, waited to have sex until there was no doubt there was more than just sexual chemistry between us? Honestly, I have never even considered it as a possibility to connect with a woman on a deeper level before sex comes into play, lowering my walls, experiencing true intimacy, all foreign to me like the far side of the moon, yet ready to be discovered. I’ll go even one step further, by 2012 I want to be married and I’m willing to wait for that woman. It’s highly possible that last statement left a few mouths agape. Sadly, I know there are ones thinking negatively of this proclamation. For a second I’ll indulge you and break it down. If I’d said in 2012 I want to have a new car or buy a house or even have FUNomenal Family Entertainment Center up and running you wouldn’t have thought twice. Why is it perfectly acceptable for a person to express readiness for acquisition of inanimate objects that mean very little in the grand scheme of life? It’s not because of my age, I’m not lonely, I don’t have mounting pressure from my mother to produce more grandchildren..Well, Ok, a little. It all comes down to me being ready. I used these 2160 hours since January 28th to reaffirm my worthiness to give and receive love unconditionally. I am ready in a way I have never been in my life, simple as that. I’m giving it up to God, sending it out into the universe and projecting it onto any other deity that sex, while fun, is not fulfilling my soul and making love with my wife is what I crave now.
Let me truly express it here for all of you in black and white. This woman, whoever she may be, whether I already know the rhythm of her heartbeat or am required to learn its subtle nuances, I have no fear to make her one of the most important aspects of my life. I am no longer afraid to admit to her, my friends, my family, me or the world how much her love means to me. How her very presence forces me to grab hold of something for fear the power of what is coursing through my veins will propel me to the heavens. I am certain she will be enough to always bring me home, to our home into her embrace. As a man I am imperfect, with her love I am sure we will form a perfect union. I welcome the moments that will all too quickly blend into years as I cradle her in my arms late at night looking upon her face as she drifts off to sleep silently whispering prayers of gratitude for having finally found her. The music played on my heartstrings while watching her with our children will be honey sweet. I am no longer afraid to give all of me and in return take all of her knowing I am worthy of every morsel, every drop, crumb and fiber of her unconditional love. I know not who she is, where she is or what she is doing right now, but I am sitting on my balcony, catching the last rays of a sleepy sun, listening to soft music with a knowing smile on my lips and stray tears glistening in my eyelashes. There, the bravest thing I’ve ever done, admit I’m a hopeless romantic and convinced 2012 will be my time, our time.
So, unless there are any more questions, I have to get back to my preparations, I have a wedding to prepare for after all and I have much more growing to do until that day. From the bottom of my heart I thank you all and wish you nothing but the best. Day 90+1, Ready for what awaits me…
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
0
When I started this little endeavor, I had an idea of where I wanted to go, forward. But I had no inkling of what was in store for me along the way. Ninety days was my goal, 90 days is what I’ve completed. As I write this final blog to commemorate my accomplishment, I’m sitting on the subway surrounded by people I don’t know and will likely never see again. I’m not cracking open a celebratory beer or downing a “You did it!” shot. I’m not in my living room furiously scribbling words because there is a half-naked woman purring for me to finish and re-enter the realm of the sexually active. No, it’s just me, my pen, a pad of paper and my feelings. This is how it should be. My best friend wrote me suggesting I should celebrate the occasion, indulge myself. Maybe, then I thought about how women take care of house and home for 364 days out of the year, cleaning house, taking care of the children and cooking meals. A man tries it one day, does a half-assed job then expects a damn medal or key to the city. I kept my dick in my pants for 3 months, big fucking deal. I did what I should’ve done years before. It might have saved me and a few other people a lot of heartache. No, there will be no celebration for this feat. Besides, I said countless times before it wasn’t about the sex. If I deserve any type of praise, it should be for trying to be as honest as possible with myself for 3 months, I’ve confronted negative aspects of my personality, questioned the motives behind my actions, dived into the murky depths of my insecurities and looked my oldest fears directly in the eye…publicly. You know, when I put it like that, guess I do deserve a pat on the back. Actually, a hug would be better. I’m partial to hugs these days as I have so little physical contact.
So, this may seem a bit anti-climatic to some, but as I keep reiterating, this is a journey. No prizes are handed out to the participants of a marathon halfway through the race. They are only offered encouragement to continue on until the end. In fact, I see these 90 days as a sort of warm-up. Now is when things really begin. Can I maintain my current course while not limiting my exposure to the world at large? In many ways this is akin to the recovering addict who has completed a 90 day treatment center. It is easy to talk the talk in the safety of a clinic with a full-time staff to monitor your behavior. It is another to be out in the real world faced with actual temptation beckoning and resist its siren song. My blog in essence was my treatment center and you the readers the staff. Now, it’s only me. I do thank those who have supported me on this journey immensely. Your words inspired me and were literally the strength I needed to take another step on this path in my moments of weakness. To those that eventually grasped this was a personal narrative and stopped attempting to hijack my story, my admiration. I know intimately how difficult it is not to let ego and pride color ones vision of a person you care about. Finally, to those who never got it and tried to constantly steer me off-road… go kick rocks.
Well, that’s all folks, nothing left to see here but a man, an amazing man albeit, but a man nonetheless trying to live a life, an extraordinary life, but a life nevertheless that expresses and gives love freely and impartially and striving to be the best he can be…one day at a time. Day 90, and it truly begins…
So, this may seem a bit anti-climatic to some, but as I keep reiterating, this is a journey. No prizes are handed out to the participants of a marathon halfway through the race. They are only offered encouragement to continue on until the end. In fact, I see these 90 days as a sort of warm-up. Now is when things really begin. Can I maintain my current course while not limiting my exposure to the world at large? In many ways this is akin to the recovering addict who has completed a 90 day treatment center. It is easy to talk the talk in the safety of a clinic with a full-time staff to monitor your behavior. It is another to be out in the real world faced with actual temptation beckoning and resist its siren song. My blog in essence was my treatment center and you the readers the staff. Now, it’s only me. I do thank those who have supported me on this journey immensely. Your words inspired me and were literally the strength I needed to take another step on this path in my moments of weakness. To those that eventually grasped this was a personal narrative and stopped attempting to hijack my story, my admiration. I know intimately how difficult it is not to let ego and pride color ones vision of a person you care about. Finally, to those who never got it and tried to constantly steer me off-road… go kick rocks.
Well, that’s all folks, nothing left to see here but a man, an amazing man albeit, but a man nonetheless trying to live a life, an extraordinary life, but a life nevertheless that expresses and gives love freely and impartially and striving to be the best he can be…one day at a time. Day 90, and it truly begins…
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
OPEN LETTER
Dear Carl,
Either you are braver than I first gave you credit for to expose yourself to the unknown as you have done, or you are more stupid than I ever imagined to put your demons on display in the all remembering blogosphere. No matter which label applies, I do have to give you some respect for attempting something I have no shame in admitting thought you entirely incapable of, change. Oh, you spoke about it plenty of times in casual conversation. You certainly wrote about wanting to change in that damn journal of yours. You even gave some half-hearted attempts after some heart-broken woman laid her grief at your feet. But REAL change, like truly altered state, unlike you were before change, something completely different change? Nope, I didn’t believe it. At some point along the line when I was distracted you up and became a man. To go against the grain, leave what is comfortable behind and venture out into the wilderness… that takes true courage. Ok, you are brave; at least that much I can give you. Nonetheless, you are still retarded for A.) Blogging about it and B.) Your journals. Until you burn those things I won’t ever feel completely safe.
So, 90 days. Where did that number even come from anyway? You’ve gone a lot longer without sex before in your life. AND you did it when you were much younger when the testosterone levels were sky high. Is it really about no sex? Or is it to create this aura so women will fight to be the one you end it with? I know you better than most and you can be one manipulative calculating motherfucker. It could simply be about you using the time to focus your energy on more important things than pleasure of the body, like fulfillment of the soul. If that is so, then dare I say it, you finally stopped being afraid of your potential. Have you accepted the greatness that resides in you, turned to embrace it instead of fleeing the responsibility it entails at every turn? If that be true and you have conquered that all encompassing fear that once guided your hand, than I have to be man enough to admit I was wrong about you on so many levels.
I am proud of you. I don’t utter those words lightly. You know me all too well and have experience with how tightly I withhold my praise for you. I am proud of you in a way that no one else could be or will ever be. Also, I think I owe you an apology for ever doubting you. But, I think you know I owe you an apology for a far more serious crime. I’m sorry for trying to hold you back. It’s one thing to not believe in someone’s dreams, it’s a complete other thing to prevent them from reaching a dream. I tried my best to sabotage your efforts. I systematically did what I could to always bring you back to the Carl I knew and felt safe around. I’m so so sorry for that. If I am going to show even an ounce of the courage you have shown, then I have to admit it was fear I let tarnish our relationship. I was afraid of you, I was afraid for you, I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid of so many things. I started out writing this letter to do what I’ve done so many times in the past, fill your head with white noise to block out the sound of your soul. But now, I sit here with actual tears in my eyes immensely impressed and downright amazed with you as a human being, as a person and as a man.
Now, let me give you some advice. Yeah, yeah, I know I haven’t always given you the soundest advice in the past. But you have to admit, in the end, it was always your decision to follow my instructions or not. You always had the power to walk away so you can’t blame me for everything. Don’t get so frustrated with the people who don’t get it. They have their own path to take and sometimes they don’t realize it’s a personal journey we each have. Walking behind a person trying to tell them where they should be going isn’t the same as someone walking beside you offering encouragement. Relax and don’t take it to heart. Next, never give up until your heart tells you to give up. Never listen to what anyone else says. Usually they are jealous you are putting so much effort into something not them, or your unwavering belief causes them to doubt their own paths’. If it’s your heart you are truly following, it will never tell you to give up, only regroup, rethink and refocus. Only the universe knows the limit to the love in your heart. Love is the unknown x factor man! As long as there is love beating in your chest, there is always hope. Another thing, it’s ok to get angry from time to time. Even Buddhist monks learned Kung-Fu and had to get a lil gangsta from time to time. Just control the anger and use it to fuel your ambitions. Accept every part of you, and that includes your temper. The last two pieces of advice are similar and for most people should be obvious, but as smart as you are… Find out if it’s possible to remove blogs from the internet permanently. “I’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend or anyone I’ve seriously dated in my life, EVER.”??? Really crack baby?? REALLY?? You’re killin’ me. Lastly, get rid of those damn journals! You ain’t no black Hank Moody where people will want to know all about your sordid sexual past. I don’t even know if the statute of limitations has passed on some of the stuff you mention in those things. Burn them, seriously. Then stand back and watch the green smoke billow out.
I don’t know what the future holds for you Mr. Carl, but at this moment, I’m in awe of you. I’ve held you back long enough in this lifetime, if you can commit to a profound change that is about being a better man, than I promise right here to commit to being a better friend. When I think about all you’ve accomplished with me hindering you with everything at my disposal, I literally cannot even fathom the heights you can achieve. I know you haven’t heard these words often from me, but I love you man. I truly and sincerely love you.
Yours for life,
Carl
PS Did you have to put the ever in capital letters??
PSS I’m serious about those journals!
PSSS Day 81 negro! Don't FUCK it up with only 9 days to go!
Either you are braver than I first gave you credit for to expose yourself to the unknown as you have done, or you are more stupid than I ever imagined to put your demons on display in the all remembering blogosphere. No matter which label applies, I do have to give you some respect for attempting something I have no shame in admitting thought you entirely incapable of, change. Oh, you spoke about it plenty of times in casual conversation. You certainly wrote about wanting to change in that damn journal of yours. You even gave some half-hearted attempts after some heart-broken woman laid her grief at your feet. But REAL change, like truly altered state, unlike you were before change, something completely different change? Nope, I didn’t believe it. At some point along the line when I was distracted you up and became a man. To go against the grain, leave what is comfortable behind and venture out into the wilderness… that takes true courage. Ok, you are brave; at least that much I can give you. Nonetheless, you are still retarded for A.) Blogging about it and B.) Your journals. Until you burn those things I won’t ever feel completely safe.
So, 90 days. Where did that number even come from anyway? You’ve gone a lot longer without sex before in your life. AND you did it when you were much younger when the testosterone levels were sky high. Is it really about no sex? Or is it to create this aura so women will fight to be the one you end it with? I know you better than most and you can be one manipulative calculating motherfucker. It could simply be about you using the time to focus your energy on more important things than pleasure of the body, like fulfillment of the soul. If that is so, then dare I say it, you finally stopped being afraid of your potential. Have you accepted the greatness that resides in you, turned to embrace it instead of fleeing the responsibility it entails at every turn? If that be true and you have conquered that all encompassing fear that once guided your hand, than I have to be man enough to admit I was wrong about you on so many levels.
I am proud of you. I don’t utter those words lightly. You know me all too well and have experience with how tightly I withhold my praise for you. I am proud of you in a way that no one else could be or will ever be. Also, I think I owe you an apology for ever doubting you. But, I think you know I owe you an apology for a far more serious crime. I’m sorry for trying to hold you back. It’s one thing to not believe in someone’s dreams, it’s a complete other thing to prevent them from reaching a dream. I tried my best to sabotage your efforts. I systematically did what I could to always bring you back to the Carl I knew and felt safe around. I’m so so sorry for that. If I am going to show even an ounce of the courage you have shown, then I have to admit it was fear I let tarnish our relationship. I was afraid of you, I was afraid for you, I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid of so many things. I started out writing this letter to do what I’ve done so many times in the past, fill your head with white noise to block out the sound of your soul. But now, I sit here with actual tears in my eyes immensely impressed and downright amazed with you as a human being, as a person and as a man.
Now, let me give you some advice. Yeah, yeah, I know I haven’t always given you the soundest advice in the past. But you have to admit, in the end, it was always your decision to follow my instructions or not. You always had the power to walk away so you can’t blame me for everything. Don’t get so frustrated with the people who don’t get it. They have their own path to take and sometimes they don’t realize it’s a personal journey we each have. Walking behind a person trying to tell them where they should be going isn’t the same as someone walking beside you offering encouragement. Relax and don’t take it to heart. Next, never give up until your heart tells you to give up. Never listen to what anyone else says. Usually they are jealous you are putting so much effort into something not them, or your unwavering belief causes them to doubt their own paths’. If it’s your heart you are truly following, it will never tell you to give up, only regroup, rethink and refocus. Only the universe knows the limit to the love in your heart. Love is the unknown x factor man! As long as there is love beating in your chest, there is always hope. Another thing, it’s ok to get angry from time to time. Even Buddhist monks learned Kung-Fu and had to get a lil gangsta from time to time. Just control the anger and use it to fuel your ambitions. Accept every part of you, and that includes your temper. The last two pieces of advice are similar and for most people should be obvious, but as smart as you are… Find out if it’s possible to remove blogs from the internet permanently. “I’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend or anyone I’ve seriously dated in my life, EVER.”??? Really crack baby?? REALLY?? You’re killin’ me. Lastly, get rid of those damn journals! You ain’t no black Hank Moody where people will want to know all about your sordid sexual past. I don’t even know if the statute of limitations has passed on some of the stuff you mention in those things. Burn them, seriously. Then stand back and watch the green smoke billow out.
I don’t know what the future holds for you Mr. Carl, but at this moment, I’m in awe of you. I’ve held you back long enough in this lifetime, if you can commit to a profound change that is about being a better man, than I promise right here to commit to being a better friend. When I think about all you’ve accomplished with me hindering you with everything at my disposal, I literally cannot even fathom the heights you can achieve. I know you haven’t heard these words often from me, but I love you man. I truly and sincerely love you.
Yours for life,
Carl
PS Did you have to put the ever in capital letters??
PSS I’m serious about those journals!
PSSS Day 81 negro! Don't FUCK it up with only 9 days to go!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I WONDER...
“I’ve never been faithful to a girlfriend or anyone I’ve seriously dated in my life, EVER.” CW
I wonder what it would feel like to be on the opposite side of those words, to have my face pressed against the glass, cupping my face just so to cut down on the glare and get a true glimpse of what’s inside. What would it make me feel like if I dated someone, cared for someone, fretted over someone’s well-being, spent countless nights laying awake in bed attempting to comprehend why someone refused to lower their walls and let me close, I wonder what memories would I question as being real or fabricated, how many times would I be able to recall where an excuse was given for cancelling or not being able to make it and contemplate its authenticity. I wonder how my anger would burn. Would it burn right below the surface of my skin sending tendrils of smoke through the pores of my skin? Or maybe it would be deeper, in the pit of my stomach, emitting an even white-hot heat that would flame even the coldest recess of my heart.
I wonder how stupid I would feel for falling for the well-crafted lies spoken from lips I didn’t know where they’d last been. Would I wonder about the love they professed to have for me and sweep it up with all the other tender moments shared as false? I wonder if I would feel any less special than what I’d been led to believe late at night while laying on sheets creased from hours of passionate love-making and dusted with the faint lingering scent of spent desire.
I am sure I would wonder, wonder and question every promise, every shared moment, and every spoken word. I would wonder about me, I would wonder about you, I would wonder about us…
I have cheated you of treasured memories, remembered pleasure, a layer of self-confidence and caused you to wonder about the very essence of yourself.
You wonder as I wondered so many years ago. I comprehend fully the thoughts quietly invading your subconsciousness. I wonder often how I, who knows so intimately the uncertainty and anger this can cause, could bring this on someone I care so much about.
I wonder if you will be stronger than I and not let the failures of another affect your interactions with those you love. I also wonder if you have the fortitude to leave the past in the past and not walk with it hand in hand for years to come as I did. I wonder how many times you would need to stop and wipe the tears from your eyes over my faults and I wonder how many deep breaths you need to still your fluttering heart. Unfortunately, I also wonder about who he is that will comfort you. I wonder about so many of these things…
But there are some things I will never wonder about, the love in my heart being true and the change that has occurred in my soul.
Day 69, putting one foot in front of the other….
I wonder what it would feel like to be on the opposite side of those words, to have my face pressed against the glass, cupping my face just so to cut down on the glare and get a true glimpse of what’s inside. What would it make me feel like if I dated someone, cared for someone, fretted over someone’s well-being, spent countless nights laying awake in bed attempting to comprehend why someone refused to lower their walls and let me close, I wonder what memories would I question as being real or fabricated, how many times would I be able to recall where an excuse was given for cancelling or not being able to make it and contemplate its authenticity. I wonder how my anger would burn. Would it burn right below the surface of my skin sending tendrils of smoke through the pores of my skin? Or maybe it would be deeper, in the pit of my stomach, emitting an even white-hot heat that would flame even the coldest recess of my heart.
I wonder how stupid I would feel for falling for the well-crafted lies spoken from lips I didn’t know where they’d last been. Would I wonder about the love they professed to have for me and sweep it up with all the other tender moments shared as false? I wonder if I would feel any less special than what I’d been led to believe late at night while laying on sheets creased from hours of passionate love-making and dusted with the faint lingering scent of spent desire.
I am sure I would wonder, wonder and question every promise, every shared moment, and every spoken word. I would wonder about me, I would wonder about you, I would wonder about us…
I have cheated you of treasured memories, remembered pleasure, a layer of self-confidence and caused you to wonder about the very essence of yourself.
You wonder as I wondered so many years ago. I comprehend fully the thoughts quietly invading your subconsciousness. I wonder often how I, who knows so intimately the uncertainty and anger this can cause, could bring this on someone I care so much about.
I wonder if you will be stronger than I and not let the failures of another affect your interactions with those you love. I also wonder if you have the fortitude to leave the past in the past and not walk with it hand in hand for years to come as I did. I wonder how many times you would need to stop and wipe the tears from your eyes over my faults and I wonder how many deep breaths you need to still your fluttering heart. Unfortunately, I also wonder about who he is that will comfort you. I wonder about so many of these things…
But there are some things I will never wonder about, the love in my heart being true and the change that has occurred in my soul.
Day 69, putting one foot in front of the other….
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