I HAVE SEEN...

I HAVE SEEN….

I have seen the sugary white beaches of Puerta Vieja, Costa Rica under a blue moon so full I reached out and expected to feel its rough crater marked surface against my fingertips.

I have seen the ancient ruins of Antigua, Guatemala laid out before me as if it were an offering upon the top of a live volcano belching tangible anger and frustration from its belly.

I have seen massive wind carved stones on the shores of a desolate beach in New Zealand which spoke more of spirituality and peace through their silence and presence than a man of the cloth.

I have seen the ancient mosques of Fez, Morocco blush at sunset under my gaze of awe and fascination as they wove past and present together in such intricate detail. .

I have seen the Atlantic Ocean battle the Pyrenees Mountains for supremacy in San Sebastian, Spain and felt not one drop of guilt for enjoying their endless squabbling over something they both can claim.

I have seen lightening dancing from cloud to cloud on a warm spring night in Vienne, France that Jazz greats must have composed with the heart tugging beauty of every single movement.

I have seen all of these amazing things and countless more. Some have moved me to tears and others to creativity. However, none will ever compare, solo or in concert, to looking into the eyes of a good woman and know without ever a word being uttered that she loves me with all of her being.

I think I wrote this because quite a few of you have emailed me back commenting on the number of females I have on my email list when I send out my observations. Those of you that know well know I have always had more female friends then male friends. But this….I have no idea what it is, this poem or whatever you want to call it was not sent to do anything but say thank you. Whether I have known you for years or for a few days, dated you or only known you through emails or instant messenger, thank you. Thank you for constantly reminding me that there must be some good in me that deserves to have such incredible women in my life. No beach, or mountain or view of any scenery will ever make me forget all you have done for me.

OBSERVATIONS ON TRAVELING

Right, so when I say traveling I mean TRAVELING. Going to visit your cousins for a weekend is a visit. Going to some touristy place on some pre-packaged tour with 1,000 of your closest friends taking a trip. I mean traveling. Traveling is going to some place you either never been before and know no one, stay for longer than a week or you mingle with the locals and are the only foreigner. Ok, with that out the way, I have been traveling off and on, mostly on since 2000. I’ve seen at least 25 countries…give or take. These are things that I have felt, experienced or spoken to other travelers about. If you are a traveler as well I hope you find these amusing, and if you’ve always wanted to do some traveling, I hope it inspires you to at least consider it more seriously.

1.) One of the first things I realize about traveling is it makes you become more open-minded. You have no choice but to take a step…ok, steps outside of your comfort zone. At some point you are going to be in a town or village that has no McDonalds or Burger King (for Americans) for miles around and the menu is not going to be in English. You can ask what things are on the menu and then play charades with the waiter as they try to act out animal, “It’s an Ox! No? A bear!! Wait, wait, I got it! A gay gazelle!! Oh fuck it, just give me the soup.” Or you can just close your eyes and point. I’m black and from the south. Black people from the south aren’t known for being wild and crazy about branching out and trying new types of food. I know black people in Florida who would go to McDonalds and be afraid to order new things on the menu. It’s McDonalds! Not like they are suddenly going to serve McSquid rings or McBat burgers. Before I started traveling, I fit that description perfectly. In Guatemala, I was traveling around and my Spanish was practically non-existent at that time. Ordered a dish that was gooooooood, oh man it was good. Messed around and improved my Spanish and learned what I ate..it was a mixture of sausage and pigs blood. Then it was eeeeeewwwwwww! Now, it’s hey, it was an experience. Not only with food do you become more open-minded, but with people, ideas, ways of life. In Central America and Spain, they have these serious religious processions for Easter. Well, the centerpieces of these processions are these HUGE ark monument things dedicated to Jesus. The men who carry those things are always dressed as if they are in the KKK! They have the flowing robes, the pointed hats, everything down to the last detail except for the signs that say, “Nigger go home!” If I hadn’t become more open-minded I would have missed out on a great experience. In saying that, a brotha still made sure there was a clear escape exit just in case the sign mentioned above poked up out of the crowd. In the states if I am walking down the rode late at night and a man pulls over in his car and asks if I need a ride, I’m going to immediately translate that into “You want some dick?”. If I’m in some new country at night looking for my hotel and a man pulls over and asks if I need a ride….I’ll still translate that to, “You want some dick?” BUT, I’m more open-minded and think that maybe he only wanted to give me a ride.

2.) If you are away from your country for any amount of time, like any normal person you are going to start to miss things from your country. I’ve noticed it’s not the big things like oh I don’t know say freedom if you visit Nepal or alcohol if you visit Iran. I mean, I’m sure I would miss those things as well, but it’s those little random things you never think about until you are away from them for a significant amount of time. I was always take it or leave it with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I like them, but Lord if I don’t feen for them like they aren’t cocaine now! You know in New Zealand they don’t even have grape jelly?? How the hell is that possible!? They grow wine in New Zealand, what do they do with those extra grapes they don’t use?? No grape jelly?! It’s just not the same with blueberry jelly or fruit of the forest jelly. It’s good, but not the same. Did you know that outside of North America is NOT common for peanut butter to have salt? Do you know what peanut butter without salt tastes like?? NOTHING! It tastes like nothing. It’s just stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. You know what else I miss? Muthafuccin pop tarts! That’s right, I miss pop tarts. They are the perfect snack food. I mean, you can throw them in the toaster and it’s hot and a little more filling than toast. Can take them with you as a quick snack if you are running late….Man, if anyone wants to send some brown cinnamon pop tarts…oh, and hot pockets, oh, oh and some Lil Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Do any of you know what I wouldn’t do for some butterscotch chips right now so I can bake my special brownies!!?? 24 hour stores…………………………sorry, I was daydreaming about shit being convenient any time of the day or night.

3.) A very interesting observation….conservatives don’t travel. I swear. I have yet to meet a conservative on any of my travels. I’m sure they visit places, but being in a country for a significant amount of time? Haven’t seen any at all. Maybe they roam in packs, like wolves. No single American I have met outside of the United States voted for George Bush. Let’s think about this for a second. Why would conservatives not travel and mix with the locals? They have to be out there. Do they only mix wit the conservatives of the country they are visiting? That takes me to my next observation.

4.) Maybe conservatives do travel, but I find once you start to travel, you become more liberal. It’s one thing to see on CNN all the protests against the World Trade Agreement, shots of famine in Africa or hear interviews from survivors of military regimes. It’s a completely different thing to go to those countries and meet the people affected by all those events we see on the news. It’s difficult to be against legalizing illegal immigrants in the states when you have been one yourself in a foreign country. You know first hand what it’s like trying to fit in, find a job, learn the language and just plain be accepted. Any business practice that forsakes the basic needs of humanity just doesn’t sit well when you become friends with the people it would affect directly. In turn, it makes me wonder, is it unnatural then to be a conservative? I mean, when you travel and you experience life on it’s more basic levels, you tend to take on a certain way of viewing the world. If you are separated from the natural current of living, do you forget what the most important things in life are and you become misguided? Ok, a little deep I know, but a thought none the less I would love to hear people’s ideas and thoughts.

5.) Are Americans ignorant about anything going on outside of the US? Of course they are. Matter of fact, most of America is ignorant about things going on INSIDE of the United States. You know, most people in every country I’ve lived in are just as ignorant as Americans. That leads me to believe that if you have never left your country of origin, you are going to be ignorant to 99% of the world. I can’t count the number of times that people have tried to tell me, an American, about what goes on in my own country. “All Americans are fat.” “So you’ve been to the United States then?” “No, but a friend of mine knows this guy whose cousin went.” “So he said every American was fat then?” “No, he said there were a lot of fast food places and it was normal to eat sweet things for breakfast.” Riiiiiiiight, from that deduction EVERYONE in the US is fat. Otherwise intelligent people in other countries make “scientific” deductions based on films from the United States about the United States. Or, they take the most sensational of news stories and apply it to a country of over 300 million people. In Europe, they don’t dub every single film we make in the US, for some reason though, out of aaaaaaall the films made in Hollywood worthy of being dubbed into another language, they decided to dub Soul Plane here in Spain. Can I tell you the problems that film caused me?? Imagine a country where VERY few black Americans travel to and that film is shown in your country. SMDH….(Shaking My Damn Head) No different than what Americans do so no one in other countries can complain about the ignorance of Americans. Sure your fellow compatriots do the same damn thing. Only reason Americans endure the most criticism is because our actions affect the entire world. So I understand the criticism, just remember the ignorance flows both ways.

6.) You know what else traveling does? It reminds you what is important in life. I mean, yeah, yeah, love, friendship and all of that is important as well. I’m talking about in the context of traveling though of what’s important. Number one most important thing while you are traveling?? Underwear. Oh yeah, it’s the MOST important thing while you are traveling. Better yet, CLEAN underwear is the most important thing while traveling. If anyone has ever been stuck in a humid climate and forced to wear the same draws for 3 days straight you know what I mean. Clean underwear is like gold when you are backpacking through the middle of nowhere. And will someone please tell me why underwear are so damn expensive out of the United States??? It’s insane how expensive a single pair of draws are in Europe. Then they try and justify the cost of the damn things by hanging them up on a hanger. You can’t fool me! I know it’s draws and not a shirt or a pair of pants. And why hang them up?? You are selling them to men! Men don’t care. A man will wear draws until the crotch is all busted out and our balls don’t even stay inside the damn things. Along with the peanut butter and pop tarts, send some underwear. Better yet, I take that back. I think I’ll keep that job for my mother and grandmother. Seriously though, first time I left the states was to Costa Rica. I had bags so big I could have brought enough peanut butter and grape jelly to sell and become rich! I brought the most random things thinking I MIGHT use it. I never even used a third of all those clothes and things. Now? I can fit everything I need in one suitcase that includes my teaching clothes, teaching material, cold and warm weather clothes and personal effects. I traveled around most of Western Europe and North Africa for 3 weeks with a backpack that was 8 kg and I still felt like I had too much. The only things I would NEVER leave behind now are photos of my family and friends, cards from loved ones, items from the countries I’ve visited and my journals. In Madrid my backpack was stolen, it had my passport, camera, CD player, damn near everything…. The only things I felt loss over were the film in the camera, my passport (cause of all the stamps of the countries I had visited) and my journals. I keep two journals, one for my thoughts, and the other for my actions. I ain’t goin’ to lie, I shed tears over those journals. You all should too! Think of all the observations you’ve missed out on cause those bastards stole my bag.

7.) Traveling makes you younger. No lie, it really does make you younger. Or at least you look younger. Everyone I have met abroad who travels extensively looks younger than their years. In Madrid, I was the “baby” of my group of friends and I was 30. I thought they were all younger than me when I met them and the youngest one after me was 32. Maybe it’s the lack of stress we experience. It has to have an effect on you when you are worrying about paying the mortgage, if your spouse is cheating, is your child going to become an axe murderer. Those are issues with weight that cause lines in your face. My stress consists of deciding which country I should move to next, if I buy those shoes will they fit in my suitcase and should I feel guilty for going out 5 nights a week. Then again, maybe this observation is derived from the fact that lately I’ve been going out so much and my vision is blurry so everyone looks younger than they really are…hhhmm….

8.) Simple pleasures in life make you happy. When you travel you get the most intense pleasure from the most mundane things. I developed these strange upscale cravings while living in Madrid. For example, gourmet bread. Don’t know where it came from, but I had it. I was in the kitchen of my flat cutting my bread thinking, damn a toaster would be great right now. I hadn’t had toast in ages. Low and behold, I looked to my left and there was a toaster! It wasn’t magic, my flat mate had bought one and I hadn’t realized it until that moment. Didn’t matter. It wasn’t, “Hey, a toaster. Cool, now I can make toast.” It was, “Yeah booooooooyeeeeeee!!! We got a Muthafuccin toaster in this muthafucca!!!” I started doing my we got a toaster dance all around the place. I was singing while eatin’ the toast. I was happy, no ecstatic all over a toaster. Things I took for granted before stop me in my tracks…full moons, sun rises, little kids laughing, South Park in English and smiles from Spaniards. Damnest thing I tell ya, but it’s true. With that, I’m going to make some toast! Ciao!!

OBSERVATIONS OF WHITE PEOPLE

Anyone who knows me KNEW this observation was coming. Seriously, how could you not have had an inkling it was in the works and on it’s way down the pipeline! As I said before, it is always better for a person NOT from or apart of the culture to observe those people. It gives you a bit of perspective on certain actions and ritual habits of the focus group. Also, for those of you who don’t know, I attended a very small, private, Christian school from Kindergarten through the 8^th grade in the white part of the city. I have YEARS of seeing you all up close and personal. These observations are geared towards white AMERICANS. White Europeans are different I swear. My observations are never meant to offend, only make you laugh, so take them all in stride with a grain of salt white people. Don’t want any of you going postal up in here.

I love white people. No, seriously, on a certain level I do love white people. You all are so damn entertaining! I mean, this world would be a completely different place if it wasn’t for white people. You keep it interesting to say the least. You know what? I wrote down a few observations of the things you do that tickles me pink and makes me shake my head in wonder.

1.) Minorities in the USA are fighting to have equal representation on TV programs in America. They say that our media should reflect the diversity of our society. Fair enough, but there are some shows that I hope remain all white because frankly, they won’t be nearly as funny. And, I bet you a million dollars that black and Asian people won’t be fighting to audition for these shows… When Animals Attack They have this program in America where there are video clips sent in from bystanders, witnesses and even family members of when animals attack people. I love this show!! I would skip classes in university, cancel dates and not answer my phone to watch this show. It was an hour-long program of white people getting the living shit beat out of them by animals. For example, this white woman goes to the zoo and wants a photo of the Polar Bears. I mean, who wouldn’t want a photo of Polar Bears, even black people would want a photo of Polar Bears. There were even black people in the background of this video also, taking photos of Polar Bears…. from a safe distance! One of the Polar Bears ambles over to the fence and this white woman must have thought, “Oh! This will be such a great photo! All my friends will love this!” This crazy heffa climbs over the little fence thing they have, ignores the signs which CLEARLY state do NOT go near the Polar Bears and stands next to the Polar Bear, who is still in his enclosed area mind you, but still! While this woman is waiting for the person to take the photo, that damn Polar Bear all of a sudden, grabbed that woman like he was a Pimp and she was his bitch! He took her around the throat and started shaking the shit out of her. “Where my money bitch?! Don’t play with my money!” Her head was snapping back and forth like a newborn when you don’t support their neck. OR, he could have been saying, “Didn’t you read the sign?! Can’t you read?! It says stay the fuck away from the Polar Bears cause we are dangerous!!” What made this even funnier was in the background, as SOON as the Polar Bear attacked that woman aaaaaaall the black people SCATTED! I mean they ran away like the Polar Bear was going to get tired of shaking that woman around and start looking for black people next. “Well, that was fun. Now let me break out and try it on some negroes.” In my humble opinion, I think it was love. This woman was not small in the least AND she was wearing a white shirt. I think the Polar Bear thought she was trying to step to him and kick game. He did what any male Polar Bear worth his salt would do, tried to pull a 270 lbs woman through a space of 4 inches to get a piece of ass. Then there was the one, and this one makes me laugh just THINKING about it. This GENIUS of a white man decides to build a wooden whistle call thing that mimics the sound of a female deer in heat. In other words, he made a device that made a male deer think he was going to get laid. The fact he even built that is sooo white. You spend hours of your life that you will never get back building a device to make male bucks thing you are a female doe that wants to mate?? Anyway, Him and his wife go out in the woods, wife is videotaping; husband is blowing on that damn evil contraption. After some time, you see some rustling in some trees and this HUGE Buck runs out. I mean this thing had antlers at least 1.5 meters across. This is where the story gets really good! The Buck was shocked at first. I swear I saw shock on that animals face. Can you imagine how you would feel? “What’s that sound? Is that… Yes, I think it is. I’m sure it is! A Doe wants a piece of this Buck meat. Imma get laid, Imma get laid, Imma get laid.” So, you run your ass to the sound, full speed no less and instead of seeing a sexy piece of ass you see a bald, middle-aged white man with a goofy grin on his face. I would have done EXACTLY what that deer did. He took a moment to gather and compose himself, then he stood up on his hind legs and started to beat the living mess out of that white man. That is what made it so funny! He didn’t charge him with his antlers; he stood up like a person and started to whoop his ass! It was like when you were a kid, and your mom would spank you, but in between each word give you a pop on the bottom. “Now” bonk “How” hit “Would” bang “You” pow “Like” blam “If someone did that to you?!” I swear I even heard the Buck say, “Silly white man, don’t you know Trix are for kids?” He was whooping his ass like he was the Trix rabbit and caught him eating a bowl of Trix. Where was wife during all of this you ask? She never stopped filming! She didn’t run away, she didn’t scream for help, she didn’t throw rocks at it, NOTHING! Let’s say for the sake of comparison that the couple was black. I don’t know any black people who would go out into the forest PERIOD let alone to fool male deer, but for this example we will forget all of that. Now, as soon as the trees starting rustling, I PROMISE you the story would have been over. The black man might have got his assed gored by that Buck but we wouldn’t have seen it. Black woman would have been long gone, back in the car on the cell calling Jerome’s mommy to tell her what her crazy ass son did. Now, that same black woman would have gone back out there. Not necessarily to check on her man, but to see if she could salvage any footage to win some money on America’s Funniest Home Videos. What do you say to your wife after that? I mean, it was his fault he did something that stupid, but you would like to imagine your wife has your back. She didn’t even scream Look Out for Pete’s sake! Still though, that was some funny ish. Whew! Hold on a minute, gotta wipe the tears from my eyes… I know I’m not the only one who has seen that clip!! The deer stood up on it’s hide legs and started boxing this man like he was Muhammad Ali. And then the white man did what white people seem to do in situations like that…he fell. That deer stomped his ass like he was in the Rollin’ 20 Crips gang, “Break yo self fool!” The only time I saw a black person on that show was when they had no choice. Black lady worked as a dog catcher for the city. I think it was a setup personally. Why would you have a camera crew on had for a routine impounding of a dog? When it’s a Pit bull I guess. Of course the dog bit the shit out of that poor woman. You know what, he only got a hold of her once cause she ran her ass away. She left the truck behind and just ran. They had this little note up after saying Tameka never went back to work after that. You think?!?! Jackass is really a love/hate thing for me. However, I can appreciate it for its finer points. Seriously, without white people a show like that would never exist. It’s a show where they go around doing things to purposely hurt each other. The stunts they do are injury threatening, if black people tried to do them they would be LIFE threatening. How about that one white boy that always tries to catch the drop on his dad and beat the shit out of him. I was amazed when I first saw that. My first thought was, “Damn that man gotta big stomach.” Then I thought, “Damn! He is getting’ his ass tore up!” Then I found out that was his son doing it! I figured he had molested his son or something and through hypnosis at his Psychiatrist, the son has remembered all those horrible memories he had suppressed. How was I to know it was for fun he was slapping his dad in the face repeatedly? Now, a black son would get away with one beating if he caught the drop on his dad well enough. But he had better make it the beat down of the century cause one chance is all he would get! Black dad would have gone to the closet, got his pistol and hunted his own son down. God rest my father’s soul, but he was not the man to be going around slapping in the face. No, no, nooooooo you did not slap Carl White Sr. in the face. I mean, unless you had a death wish or something. What about the time Steve-O went and had his ass cheeks pierced together. I was horrified and entertained at the same time. It was like eating a good hotdog and reading the ingredients of the hotdog at the same time. All the times they walk around in thongs and jock straps playing ball touch games? Wouldn’t happen at all with Dominicans or Haitians. I love you white people!

2.) This is a serious question. No, stop giggling. In all seriousness white people, what is up with the diggin’ cheese in public. Since I am international, let me explain diggin’ cheese to all you non-Americans out there. It is when your pants, shorts, underwear, etc, etc get stuck in the crack of your ass, and you have to reach in the crack of your ass to get the article of clothing out. It happens to EVERYONE. It just seems white people don’t care where they are at. Now, it does seem that the white people I see doing it are in the parking lot of Wal-Mart or 7-11, but they are still white. It’s just, you don’t try and hide it at all. If it isn’t bad enough that you do it in public, do you HAVE to smell your hand afterwards?? Ok, ok, just the white guys do that but DAMN! Put your back against a wall and do it, there might be children around. Or have a family member walk behind you to screen the unsuspecting public. That’s what black people do.

3.) Another very serious observation here people so straighten up. White people are STRESSED! Really, you all are the most stressed people in the world. I personally think black, Latin, Asian, all of us need to go around America massaging white people and making sure there stress levels are in the normal range. How else can you explain all these white people getting fired from jobs they don’t like in the first place, then going back and shooting their office workers?? Is it really that serious? A Mexican gets fired…actually, Mexicans don’t get fired, they work too hard for such little money no one is firing them. Ok, so a black person gets fired, we don’t ever read about them going back and killing people. Now if they tried to play with a negros last check MAYBE! But I highly doubt they would kill anyone. Point a gun at the Head of Accounting maybe, but shoot them? Naaaaa, couldn’t get the money then. Walking into an office you have worked at every day for 6 years and shooting the person who sat in a cubicle next to you and never did a damn thing to you? Stress. OR, they are lonely. Adopt a white person black people. Yes, I am starting it here on this blog, Black Americans adopt a white person and become their friend. I’m tired of hearing about all these lonely white boys going into schools and killing classrooms of people. Adopt one, become their friend, it’s like a pre-emptive move on your part to save your own life and your loved ones. Hell, what is crazy is that white people might start sending their kids to black schools so they’ll be safe! Now ain’t THAT some shit!!

4.) If I Ruled The World, that is the title of a song by Nas. He said if he ruled the world, he would free all the convicts in Attica, send them to Africa. I’m not a poet like Nas, however, if I ruled the world, I would make it illegal for white people to have dreadlocks. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know a lot of you seem to like them, but they look disgusting on you. Think of this as some fashion advice, or an insight into what black people talk about. We are talking about how it looks like you have an ancient bird’s nest up on your head. Then some of you weave trinkets and charms in them.. WHY?? Who told you that would look good so I can go find them and choke them. Not every race can do the same thing as other races. Don’t get mad at me, take it to God. Axe the locks people, it doesn’t work for you. It’s like a black person putting white paint on themselves, putting on black lipstick and fingernail polish and trying to go Goth. It wouldn’t work. I have to admit, I have had a few crushes on Goth chics. Black women can look beautiful in damn near everything, but dressed up like a female version of Marilyn Manson is asking to get made fun of. If that is true, then walking around looking like a white Bob Marley is Yuck. Believe me, it’s yuck.

OBSERVATIONS OF GAY MEN

I am not gay. Let me say this again so there are no misunderstandings, I am not gay. I have just had gay roommates at different times (Boston and Madrid) and worked security at a gay bar in New Zealand. Throw in the gay friends I have and I think I have some insight into gay men and these observations. Some of you may ask, “Wouldn’t a gay man be better off making these observations?” No! And I’ll tell you why. It’s difficult to truly see a situation from all sides when you are right in the middle of it. I am ghetto. So you will never see observations from me on being ghetto. I do things I don’t even realize are ghetto because I am ghetto. That’s why I’m the best person to write observations on gay men. That plus I’m just so damn funny!

1.) Ok, this is an observation wrapped in some advice. If you are gay and do not want your roommates to know you are gay, PLEASE refrain from doing these things. The first...Don’t let your roommates anywhere near your music collection. This is easier these days with the advent of MP3s. But either way, just keep it away from the roommates. A red flag will go up IMMEDIATELY if your music collection contains these artists...For black gay men..Every CD produced by Diana Ross and Mariah Carey or those soundtrack to those damn corny black church plays with names like...”God No Longer Lives Here”, “God in the Grits” or “Angry God or Pissed off Black Woman, which is worse?”. For Latin gay men...Best of Gloria Estefan, Thalia, Jennifer Lopez and soundtracks to Spanish soap operas. Oh and side note, Selena is DEAD. Stop talking about her like she’s still alive like Tupac! The second...stop walking around the house with those damn bright yellow cleaning gloves! Straight men can be just as clean as gay men; however, we NEVER walk around in those things let alone prancing like we are Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The third...don’t have everything in your room matching. If your photo frames match the pattern in your bedspread, that is a sign. Have something odd and out of place with a funky color thrown in there to throw people off your scent. The last and most important...do not, I mean, never, never, never look your male roommate from head to toe while your shirt is pulled up to your chest and you are rubbin on yo stomach while lickin’ yo lips! That is gay! People will know instantly..trust me.

2.) This next observation is more for Republicans and Catholics than normal people. Gay men don’t choose to be gay. They are born that way. How else can you explain how creative they are?? I mean, there is obviously something going on with the brain in the womb. Ok, ok, not ALL male hairdressers are gay, not all male clothing designers or dancers are gay. But there are more than enough to make you realize something is going on. Too many gay men are walking around well dressed and put together for it to be a “choice” of lifestyles. That’s like saying white people choose to be such poor dancers. They can’t help it, something happens in the womb where they can’t hear the beat. All those nerve endings that connect the feet to the ears? Deformed.

3.) Gay men are great dressers. I think we can pretty much agree on that. Not all, but for the most part, I am impressed with their fashion sense. HOWEVER, get gay men amongst their own surroundings like a Gay Pride parade or a gay bar...That fashion sense goes COMPLETELY out the window. It’s like it’s illegal to wear a shirt with sleeves and not skin tight. I have seen gay men in San Francisco in PUBLIC, wearing leather chaps with leather thongs and open leather vests with no shirts.. I’m no cowboy expert, but I’m thinking cowboys back in the day never wore that get up in public. And the infatuation with mesh or sheer material is mind-boggling. How 80's is it to wear a mesh tank top? Then when a man wears cut off jean shorts WITH the mesh tank top you have what we call in Florida a “Look a mess!”. In a gay bar once I saw a man wearing shorts with the crotch all busted out so you could actually see his stuff. I have this sinking suspicion he did that to his shorts on purpose. Shorts with no crotch?! Eeeeeewwwww. What is the trigger that makes the gay male brain go all haywire and dress worse than straight men?? It’s like its permanent Halloween and the theme is LET YOUR BALLS HANG OUT!!!

4.) Ok, so I have had two gay roommates. I am open minded, do you is what I say. But I have observed that gay men get comfortable around people in away that is a little...well..a little gross to me. So I have to constantly remind gay men I’m not gay. I cringe and scrunch up my face when I see a half naked man on TV, cover my eyes when two men are kissing on a program, things like that. If I don’t, things get said out loud that they should only be thinking...Had one flatmate bust out with, “Damn I could suck a dick right now!” The thing is..if we were watching something sexual on TV it would have made sense. Would have still made me spit out my kool-aid like it did, but I could have understood. We were watching The Simpson’s at the time...Don’t even want to know what lead him to that train of thought, but my point is..what made him say it out loud like that?! I have never in my life bust out with some mess like that once while around my friends while sober. “Chiiiiiild I ate his ass like chicken last night!” Riiiight and you had to tell me that because you like seeing me puke all over myself?? Too comfortable I tell ya! That leads me to my next observation.

5.) I have NOTHING against GAY men. My problem is with MEN. You see, it’s like this. I have observed that when you take women out of the equation things go down hill real fast. Women are the upholders of all that is good and decent in relationships, the guardians of sensibility and good-taste! Take women out of the equation and you have...well you have gay men. I have personally seen pickup lines like, “So, what brand of anal lube do you use?”, “You look like the type who would give me a reach around while he’s fucking me in the ass.” and “I promise not to bust a nut in your eye.” work. Wait, wait....hold up....Ok. Felt queasy there for a second just putting that on paper. Making me realive sights and sounds I’d prefer to leave in the past. My point is...lines like that only work on women when the men are super rich, it’s their boyfriends/husbands role playing or they are hookers. Women make men bring their A-games. Straight men would use the same lines if women let them. Women make men pretend we are higher up on the evolutionary scale.

6.) This observation is for gay men and straight men. Reason being, I have been hit on enough by gay men to know what females must go through. And let me tell you it’s HELL. I have such a deep respect for women who don’t get pissed off and shoot like 3 or 4 men every time they go out. Buying me a drink does not mean I HAVE to do anything with you. I didn’t ask you for the drink....you offered. I told you I can buy my own drink and was trying to do so at the bar when you INSISTED on buying me one. Thanks for the drink, get yo ugly ass out of my face. Cheese and Rice is the drink you bought me a magnate??!! Is that why you are following me around the club like that??!! If I put the drink down will you be drawn to the drink so I can escape??!! And you don’t have to touch me to speak to me! Aiight now, like I don’t know that was you touching my ass. I don’t have vertigo MF, I can stand just find on my own without you supporting me so stop touching me! Maaan if you don’t back up off of me on this dance flo’! Oh hell no! IF I was interested in dancing with you, you think I would do it with you dancing like that?! Keep away you retarded muthafucca! I’m not playing hard to get, I PROMISE you. Women, you can at least escape to the toilets...Went to a gay club with a roommate in Boston...made the mistake of going to the toilet. First of all, it was one of the most surreal experiences in my life. It was like a Salvador Dali painting ...saw “women” going into the stalls and their feet kept on facing the toilet and I heard peeing, saw two, three and four men coming out of one stall at once, more than one man using urinals at a time....So the Orc that bought you the drink, keeps on trying to talk to you and grind with you on the dance floor can FOLLOW you into the toilets.... Think women how that would magnify your problems. You can’t use urinals in gay toilets. No, no, no you are asking for PROBLEMS! You have to go into a stall and bolt the door. Of course most of the locks have been taken off so you have to pee while twisting your upper body around to hold on to the door with one hand. You try doing that while drunk! And at the end of the night, if I haven’t spoken to you, danced with you or let you into my toilet stall....WHY do you think standing off to the side, licking your lips and rubbing on your lower belly is going to make me change my mind?? Oooh damn! The drink didn’t do it, the dirty dancing didn’t do it, but the way you are standing over there licking your lips like you have down syndrome and rubbing on your stomach like a Genii gonna pop out yo ass GOT me. Come on and let’s go back to my place. Sike you ugly bastard!

7.) Gay men always use these argument with every straight man....”It’s really much easier being gay. You don’t have to work as hard for sex.” Well my grandma said you appreciate things much more when you have to work for them. “Men know what other men want better than women.” Well Carl knows what he wants better than any gay men and Carl wants pussy. “How do you know until you try it?” Well, I’ve never eaten shit before, but I can pretty much guarantee I don’t need to taste it to know I won’t like it. Same goes for dick.

8.) Not really an observation but a statement...being drunk is not an excuse! That goes for women as well. I have been falling down drunk in gay locals and it NEVER crossed my mind..EVER. You are a man and sleep with a man you’re gay! Or at the least been thinking about it for a long time and needed an excuse. Alcohol does not impair your judgment and make you do anything you didn’t want to do in the first place. In saying that though, gay men do know how to make cocktails. They don’t skimp on the alcohol ever. But it’s still an excuse you sleep with someone gay and you are “straight” and say you were drunk.

9.) So my last observations...these are observations for females. If you notice these things about your man, most likely he is gay. Don’t hate on him, just let him know he doesn’t need to hide it in these open times and let him be so you can find a straight man. Signs he is gay.... He comes home from hanging with his boys and has hickeys on the BACK of his neck. You are doing laundry and realize he has booboo stains on the back AND front of his underwear..Oh, he goes to get prostate exams more than once a year. Being concerned about your health is one thing, having a person stick their finger up your ass more than once a year is a sign!

I'M YOUR SON... BUT I WISH I KNEW YOU

Does it make you a bad person if you don’t feel anything when you find out your father has died? Am I inhuman? Does it make me callous that the person who helped give me life is dead and I feel nothing for him? Is there something missing inside of me that fuses compassion and memories into a single entity that I don’t share with the rest of mankind? My father, Carl D. White, Sr died yesterday, October 18^th , 2006 and when I heard the news my world did not change one bit. My father died, a pitcher for the New York Yankees died in a single engine plane crash, 9 more US soldiers were killed in Iraq and a family in Iowa was slain by the brother…All stories of death and dying, however, only one of these people called me son, called me CJ and I feel nothing…

Yes, we had our issues. Yes, I hadn’t had a proper conversation with the man in 13 years. Yes I had only seen him 3 times in the last 14 years. Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact he was my father. As much as I try to deny this fact, as hard as I try to distance myself from the truth, I am my father’s son. I have his jaw line, I bite my bottom lip the way he did, and when I get angry, I bite the inside of my cheeks, as he once did… He resides in me in every facet of my existence. Yet, my first thought was better him than my mother.

The pain he caused has faded and the wounds he opened have healed. I almost forget at times what it was like to be his son. Those stories aren’t worth mentioning now. Too many writers with more talent than I have can describe scenes of human suffering and agony at a higher degree than I who has spent years perfecting the art of suppressing emotions.

My father wasn’t the only father to die yesterday in the world, but he is the only father that I will ever have. When I think about it, that, and only that makes me sad. Because one is gone, I don’t receive a replacement with the hope it will be more loving and less volatile than the last. That’s it. I get one father, one dad, one daddy and the world moves on. What would it be like to have my father look me in the eyes and say he is proud of me? What would it feel like to have a father I could be proud of? What kind of man would I be today, if my father would have been that man yesterday? Well, I guess now I file those questions in the same cabinet with the, Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried and who really killed JFK questions that I’ll never find an answer.

One must always try to take the good with the bad in any situation. In some ways, I owe my father a lot. He taught me what it wasn’t to be a man. He constantly demonstrated what would happen if you let your insecurities and fears rule your life. How can I ever repay him for that priceless education? Yes, I am my father’s son, but I am not my father. Yes, we share the same name, but we do not share the same soul. Yes, we have the same face, but we do not have the same heart. My mother knows how much I love her, my brothers know how proud of them I am and my sister, if she doesn’t know, I will spend the rest of my life making sure she knows that she can always depend on me to be there for her. No, I’m not perfect, I have my flaws as does any other man, as did my father. Every day I try not to let those flaws hurt the people I love. That is what I would have liked to teach my father…That and, and that I had so much love I wanted to give him, if he would have only allowed me the chance. Just once chance is all I needed if he would have just opened up the tiniest bit…

I just hope that when my father passed, with none of his children at his bedside that he didn’t realize what he missed out on, that he wasn’t aware his family’s absence. What type of death would that be not to have such amazing people as my family around you in your final moments…to be a father and to die without your children’s’ love? I don’t wish that on any one, not my worse enemy, not anyone.

To Carl D. White, Sr. may you find the peace in the next lifetime that your family could not provide for you in this one… August 23^rd, 1950 – October 18, 2006

OBSERVATIONS OF WOMEN

I am infatuated with women. No, I don’t think you understand. I mean infatuated bordering on obsessed with women. I am not talking about something as childish as a collection of body parts like breast, legs or ass. I mean the essence of women, everything that goes into making you female I love it. That fresh natural way you smell after you’ve just stepped out of the shower, how a creature with so much strength exposes her soul if I touch the small of your back just so, how the secrets of life are exposed if I look into your eyes right at the moment of…. Well, a man can never consider himself truly blessed until he has the love of woman. Now that you know I adore women…I have observed some things about y’all heffas that I just don’t understand and makes absolutely no sense! Some clarification on why you do these things would be greatly appreciated!

1.) As a man, I have observed how women are constantly surprised at the resistance, fear and angst that many men have with settling down. I’m constantly being reminded how childish men are because we want to be players or bachelors for as long as we can in life. WRONG! Does that have something to do with some men’s reluctance to settle down? Of course! However, women, have you ever stopped to contemplate the rational behind that “fear”? I think you would be surprised…Why is it I have heard so many women saying that they prefer to have guy friends because we are less complicated?? We say what we mean and don’t expect you to read our minds, we are more accepting of new people into our groups and don’t feel threatened if someone more attractive attempts to join us and we don’t care what you are wearing when you are out with us. Seriously, think about it for a second. Most women don’t trust other women around their boyfriends or husbands cause you know how triflin’ bitches can be! Yet, when you are all out with your friends, you talk about how untrustworthy men have become. Hhmm…doesn’t make much sense to me. You think men SHOULDN’T have some reservations about marrying a woman and spending the rest of his life with the same people women say are too complicated and emotional to be friends with? Explain that one to me please! All the women with more male friends than female friends raise your hands please. Come on, don’t be shy, raise them up. Now look around…You see what I see? No one! Cause you are alone reading these observations, put your hand down before someone comes in the room and thinks your crazy! But I made my point though ;-)

2.) Ok, so men are dogs. Fine, I accept that statement. Although, if I accept that statement, then why can’t women accept the statement “If men are dogs, then women are cats and the only difference between the two is that cats cover their shit up.” Please stop puttin’ down men so much. Yes, a lack of good men exists in the world, I agree with you 100% women. To expand on that, I believe there is a lack of good PEOPLE in the world now. Women are cheating just as much as men now, being just as shallow, just as selfish and just as unrealistic. Just as many good men are being takin advantage of by women these days as women by men. AND, if you didn’t finish high school, have 5 kids from 4 different men, only read tabloid magazines and been going to nail school for 7 years and haven’t graduated you are not allowed to talk about the “lack of good men.” No, no, no not allowed! Also, can some woman define the term “real” man for me please? I have been hearing that a lot as well. Cause real means honest yes? Not fake maybe? Not hiding anything?? Riiiiiiight?? You wear heels yes? So that means you REALly ain’t that tall huh? You wearing makeup so your skin isn’t REALly that smooth. Oh, oh and I’m thinking your breasts REALly aren’t that big cause you have a wonder bra on. Real is a relative term, EVERYONE needs to be aware of that these days, not only men, but EVERYONE.

3.) Women are always talking about wanting a nice, stable, secure man who is generous and funny and appreciates you. Yeah right! I mean, women do want that, I know you do; it’s just how you go about saying it sometimes. You see, I am a firm believer that women are more evolved, more intelligent than men are. You are on this higher plain of existence that men need another 10,000 years to reach. Therefore, if that statement holds true, women you need to go about dealing with men with that principle firmly at the forefront of your interactions with men. Here is a theory I have. Please women comment and tell me if I am full of shit or not. Little Susie, Tameka, Sung Ye or whatever her name is, is being told by her grandmother from the time she can crawl that she needs to find a nice little boy to settle down with, marry and start a family. Little Brian, Jamal and Phu Tron are hearing the same things as well. Women reach puberty faster than boys, so when girls are 12 and 13 they don’t want to date boys their own age, they want someone older who is on their level maturity wise. Are they pining over the boy who is President of the Chess Club? Are they getting breathless when they see the Captain of the Debate Team?? Hell Muthafuggin’ no!!! It’s the boy who is absent half the days of the school year, smoking behind the gym and been arrested 3 or 4 times before he even turns 16. Ladies, the 13 year old boys HEAR you speaking about finding nice guys, but they SEE the bad boys getting ALL the play. It only takes seeing the bad ass make out with so many fine females before boys get the point, girls are saying one thing…but if you want any coochie you have to be a dick! So for the next ten years boys act like jerks…and get laid!! Often!!! When a woman finally decides she is serious about settling down and getting married, what do you say?? “I want a nice, stable, secure man who is generous and funny and who will appreciate me.” You know what men think? “Yeah right! She said that about 15 years ago and then had sex with the guy who kept calling her fat and cheated on her with her cousin. I’m not buying this, it’s just more of what she said before.” Again, if men are like dogs as women keep saying, then you have to realize a dog only needs to get hit so many times by a stick before he learns the lesson. Men have been conditioned to think you are all full of shyte when you truly do want a nice guy to settle down with. Does it excuse a man’s behaviour who lies, cheats and is disrespectful? No. Just think about that though next time you go home with that guy from the club who is driving his baby mama’s car, won’t tell you what he does for a living but always has money and won’t answer his cell phone with you around.

4.) I have observed that men can be INCREDIBLY shallow. I love how a woman will meet a man and even there isn’t a strong physical attraction at first, give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to try and impress her with his charm, intelligence and sense of humor. Men don’t do that and I truly appreciate that about women. However, I have observed that women are shallow in your own way… For example, a man walks into Burger King and sees a beautiful woman making French fries behind the counter; he’s ordering 8 Super Size French fries just to see her how her booty shakes as she puts salt on the fries. Then after, he’s trying to ask for her number to take her out tomorrow to McDonalds. Men don’t care really. We see an attractive woman and we are going for it. Now take the SAME Burger King, group of women walk in and the man making the milk shakes is handsome. No scratch that, I’m saying he is GORGEOUS, like David Beckham and Tyson Beckford rolled into one gorgeous. You all will smile at him, may even flirt with him, but I don’t see too many of you asking for his number. “Girl he was FWINE! Oh my God he was too sexy! But his ass workin at Burger King!! I can’t get down with that.” You know I’m right ladies. How many times have you written a man off cause you saw him working at a job you thought was beneath you? I kinda understand what you mean. If you own your own clothing line, you need someone more on your level than the guy selling oranges on the corner. But, find out about the man first though! Maybe he’s working at the gas station because he’s only in town for a few weeks visiting family and got bored sitting at his momma’s house all day watching T.V. He could be a world traveler on his way to Venice, Italy to be a coordinator for an English Program and his company gave him an extra ticket. I’m just saying, you don’t know what you might be missing!

ADVICE TO MEN

ADVICE TO MEN

So, I gave some advice to the women. I feel since I’m a man of the 21^st Century I shouldn’t leave men out of the mix. Why should women only benefit from my wisdom and insight. Actually men, these are things I heard women talking about and felt we all could use a few tips. Right, so since this advice is for men, I’m just going to get straight to the point.

1.) Stop bragging about how good you are in bed. Just stop it. Don’t say another word about your sexual prowess UNLESS a woman has ever done these things…

a.) Flown you out to visit her and she lives on the opposite coast or in a different country. Believe me, women are only going to do that if 1.) They are deeply in love with your ass or 2.) You are handling your business between the sheets. Good dick is hard to find and women aren’t going to miss the opportunity to have a good one every now and then. Interesting conversation they can have with you on the phone brotha man, but you need to be in the same bedroom for other things.

b.) Got into a fight on purpose with her man, just so they could “break up”, so she can have a clear conscious when you come into town to have sex with you. Be careful men. If your girlfriend seems to be trying to pick a fight with you for no reason at all and she’s not PMSing, you aren’t doing something right in the bedroom cause someone who can must be in tooooooown.

c.) Paid your rent. Woman can’t have good dick out on the streets! Another woman might come across it and scoop it up! They don’t want you stressing that month about paying the bills and need you FOCUSED on the task at hand, her pleasure.

d.) Had you driving around in her luxury car while she takes the bus. I don’t mean you TOOK the car or asked her. I mean she INSISTS and won’t hear anything else on the subject.

e.) Buys you diamonds…enough said.

Women appreciate pipe layers. You lay the pipe, she will let you know men. If after sex she jumps up to catch Late Night with David Letterman…sorry buddy you didn’t handle your business. But if she’s asleep before you can even get out of the bed…Like curled up in the fetal position and snoring sleep..then you know you laid some pipe! Then and only then do you need to be talking about anything the next day. Cause if she hasn’t done any of the things mentioned above, then she is sooo talking about you behind your back if you are trying to brag.

2.) Stop asking for 3-somes!! Most of you can’t even last more than 2 minutes (including foreplay) with one woman and you want to add another to the mix?? Your dreamin’. Focus on the one woman you have and handle that properly first. That should keep most of you occupied for ooooh, this lifetime and part of your next. Now..in saying that, IF you lay the pipe properly…..

3.) Don’t cheat. Seriously, DO NOT CHEAT! No matter how smooth you think you are, no matter how many precautions you take she is going to find out. It’s not worth it man… Just don’t cheat is all I have to say. If there are problems in the relationship either work them out or leave, but don’t cheat. God forbid you cheat cause it’s a forgone conclusion she is going to find out, but God forbid you cheat and she finds out and DOESN’T break up with yo ass. Oh, talk about hell on earth! If you cheat, and your girlfriend finds out and wants to try to work things out…just leave the country. Really, just pack a small suitcase and get the hell out of dodge. Starting your life over from scratch will be easier than having to go through what you will be subjected to. Now, if by some chance where the planets are aligned in your favor or you find a lucky charm and stumble on to the fact that your wife or girlfriend cheated on you?? Stay! Dammitt stay your ass in that relationship and don’t LEAVE! You know how much leverage you have?? Women always have the upper hand in relationships cause men are always doing stupid-ass shit that they can remind us of and guilt us into doing things we really don’t want to do. Christmas with HER family, letting her crack head brother get clean by staying in YOUR house, you going to a Blue Man Group show the night of the Super Bowl. HOWEVER, if you had the fact that SHE cheated and got caught and you were faithful?? Ooooh man it would be like having all the Get out of Jail free cards from Monopoly! She starts nagging about you not taking out the garbage, or talking about you leaving your clothes everywhere around the house…You only have to pull out the trump card! “I may not be perfect, but at least I love you enough not to go outside of our relationship!!” Then bite your bottom lip and pretend to cry. Besides, think of all the points you get with other women for NOT being a typical man and cheating THEN trying to make the relationship work.

4.) I may gross a couple of you guys out on this next bit of advice but I’m thinking if any women read this, they are going to be standing up applauding for this one. Ok, everyone has talents in this world. No matter how much I practice playing basketball, most likely I’ll never be as good as Allen Iverson, he just has God-given talent. When it comes to sex, I’m assuming it is true as well. Some men just have the innate ability to know how to find the pulse of a woman’s pleasure and tap into its current. While other men, if you drew a map to the G-spot would get lost and of course wouldn’t stop to ask for directions. So, my advice is, learn how to perform oral sex on a woman. I heard once on a high class, show that represents quality American T.V., Jerry Springer, a woman said she didn’t mind her husband getting old as long as if “He couldn’t cut the mustard he could at least lick the jar.” A tad bit on the crude side, but you get the gist. Oh, I know some, maybe even many of you do it but I don’t know if you are doing it well. If you can’t label the parts of a woman’s vagina then you don’t know what you are doing buddy. Would you take your car to a mechanic who couldn’t identify a wrench, lug nut or a sparkplug? Hell no! So why should a woman bring her ass to you if you don’t know the parts of her sexual anatomy?? Take a class, download a video ask a lesbian do something! It’s not a submissive act for the man. It’s just the opposite actually. It’s when a woman is probably at her most vulnerable. She is literally giving you passage to the essence of life itself and allowing you full privileges in the chamber of secrets! She’s having to deal with her insecurities about her body, deal with your crazy ass being down there AND still try and let go to actually enjoy herself. The least you could do is know what you are doing. Also, don’t think of it as something you have to do just so you can get her ready for sex. That’s the wrong mentality on every level. Think of it as…well as a conversation, better yet, the conversation that takes place just before the first kiss. You are in a place where you can’t speak very loud so you have to get close enough to make sure she is hearing every word coming out of your mouth. She is a little shy so you can’t get close and start yelling. You have to “speak” in gentle tones at first until she becomes comfortable to she sound of your voice. Until you determine which cadence and rhythm works best to.. to relax her. You don’t want her to confuse anything you are saying so you have to PRO-NUN-CIATE extremely clearly. Then, if the conversation is going well, you lean in for a kiss. Not a peck on the cheek, but a deep, long, sensual kiss where you are trying to taste her soul.. Now, if you do THAT, buddy you’ll be Ok. TRUST me. If a woman has never had your head in a vice grip between her thighs and you think your eyes are going to pop out of your head then something is wrong with your technique and you need a workshop.

5.) My last bit of advice to men and to me, it is easily the most important. It trumps everything I have said previously in this “Advice Column”. You may think I’m crazy when I tell you, but I’ll break it down for you. Spoil your woman. I mean spoil her rotten!! I mean it. Do nice things for your woman for the hell of it and not only for special occasions. Now the dynamics of this strategy, women are programmed completely different from men. It’s like they received all the components for empathy, compassion, kindness and generosity while us men got all the ones for farting real loud, exploding things and being able to pee standing up. For example, woman makes a man’s favorite meal with all the trimmings. Really goes out of her way to make it a special dinner and show her man how much she adores him. Man comes home, sees it, kisses his wife on the forehead, says thank you, then picks up the plate of food she slaved over, grabs a beer and goes and sits in front of the TV to watch the game. He appreciated it for sure, but it’s like we don’t posses the capacity to truly express it to women. Now, reverse the roles. Man decides to cook a meal for his wife/girlfriend just to show her he loves her. He burns the chicken until it looks like a lump of coal, almost sets fire to the house trying to light candles and put too much salt in the rice and in the end had to order from Pizza Hut. Woman comes home and sees the ATTEMPT at a nice meal and mentally she’s already planning how she will show him how much this ATTEMPT meant to her. We don’t even have to get it right! We only have to try and women LOVE it!! You ever wonder why some men seem to get away with murder with their wives or girlfriends? He’s either A.) Laying the wood properly. Or B.) About once every year, unexpectedly he surprises his wife with something special on a non-holiday or anniversary. He calls her for no reason one day just to tell her he was thinking about her, he sends flowers to her job just because, he buys her a little gift cause it reminds him of her. His woman will talk about that event for MONTHS after the fact. She will keep talking about that ONE time Jo Jo rubbed her feet even after Jo Jo has been late 236 straight times picking her up from work in HER car. Spoil your women men because it will come back tenfold.