ADVICE TO MEN

ADVICE TO MEN

So, I gave some advice to the women. I feel since I’m a man of the 21^st Century I shouldn’t leave men out of the mix. Why should women only benefit from my wisdom and insight. Actually men, these are things I heard women talking about and felt we all could use a few tips. Right, so since this advice is for men, I’m just going to get straight to the point.

1.) Stop bragging about how good you are in bed. Just stop it. Don’t say another word about your sexual prowess UNLESS a woman has ever done these things…

a.) Flown you out to visit her and she lives on the opposite coast or in a different country. Believe me, women are only going to do that if 1.) They are deeply in love with your ass or 2.) You are handling your business between the sheets. Good dick is hard to find and women aren’t going to miss the opportunity to have a good one every now and then. Interesting conversation they can have with you on the phone brotha man, but you need to be in the same bedroom for other things.

b.) Got into a fight on purpose with her man, just so they could “break up”, so she can have a clear conscious when you come into town to have sex with you. Be careful men. If your girlfriend seems to be trying to pick a fight with you for no reason at all and she’s not PMSing, you aren’t doing something right in the bedroom cause someone who can must be in tooooooown.

c.) Paid your rent. Woman can’t have good dick out on the streets! Another woman might come across it and scoop it up! They don’t want you stressing that month about paying the bills and need you FOCUSED on the task at hand, her pleasure.

d.) Had you driving around in her luxury car while she takes the bus. I don’t mean you TOOK the car or asked her. I mean she INSISTS and won’t hear anything else on the subject.

e.) Buys you diamonds…enough said.

Women appreciate pipe layers. You lay the pipe, she will let you know men. If after sex she jumps up to catch Late Night with David Letterman…sorry buddy you didn’t handle your business. But if she’s asleep before you can even get out of the bed…Like curled up in the fetal position and snoring sleep..then you know you laid some pipe! Then and only then do you need to be talking about anything the next day. Cause if she hasn’t done any of the things mentioned above, then she is sooo talking about you behind your back if you are trying to brag.

2.) Stop asking for 3-somes!! Most of you can’t even last more than 2 minutes (including foreplay) with one woman and you want to add another to the mix?? Your dreamin’. Focus on the one woman you have and handle that properly first. That should keep most of you occupied for ooooh, this lifetime and part of your next. Now..in saying that, IF you lay the pipe properly…..

3.) Don’t cheat. Seriously, DO NOT CHEAT! No matter how smooth you think you are, no matter how many precautions you take she is going to find out. It’s not worth it man… Just don’t cheat is all I have to say. If there are problems in the relationship either work them out or leave, but don’t cheat. God forbid you cheat cause it’s a forgone conclusion she is going to find out, but God forbid you cheat and she finds out and DOESN’T break up with yo ass. Oh, talk about hell on earth! If you cheat, and your girlfriend finds out and wants to try to work things out…just leave the country. Really, just pack a small suitcase and get the hell out of dodge. Starting your life over from scratch will be easier than having to go through what you will be subjected to. Now, if by some chance where the planets are aligned in your favor or you find a lucky charm and stumble on to the fact that your wife or girlfriend cheated on you?? Stay! Dammitt stay your ass in that relationship and don’t LEAVE! You know how much leverage you have?? Women always have the upper hand in relationships cause men are always doing stupid-ass shit that they can remind us of and guilt us into doing things we really don’t want to do. Christmas with HER family, letting her crack head brother get clean by staying in YOUR house, you going to a Blue Man Group show the night of the Super Bowl. HOWEVER, if you had the fact that SHE cheated and got caught and you were faithful?? Ooooh man it would be like having all the Get out of Jail free cards from Monopoly! She starts nagging about you not taking out the garbage, or talking about you leaving your clothes everywhere around the house…You only have to pull out the trump card! “I may not be perfect, but at least I love you enough not to go outside of our relationship!!” Then bite your bottom lip and pretend to cry. Besides, think of all the points you get with other women for NOT being a typical man and cheating THEN trying to make the relationship work.

4.) I may gross a couple of you guys out on this next bit of advice but I’m thinking if any women read this, they are going to be standing up applauding for this one. Ok, everyone has talents in this world. No matter how much I practice playing basketball, most likely I’ll never be as good as Allen Iverson, he just has God-given talent. When it comes to sex, I’m assuming it is true as well. Some men just have the innate ability to know how to find the pulse of a woman’s pleasure and tap into its current. While other men, if you drew a map to the G-spot would get lost and of course wouldn’t stop to ask for directions. So, my advice is, learn how to perform oral sex on a woman. I heard once on a high class, show that represents quality American T.V., Jerry Springer, a woman said she didn’t mind her husband getting old as long as if “He couldn’t cut the mustard he could at least lick the jar.” A tad bit on the crude side, but you get the gist. Oh, I know some, maybe even many of you do it but I don’t know if you are doing it well. If you can’t label the parts of a woman’s vagina then you don’t know what you are doing buddy. Would you take your car to a mechanic who couldn’t identify a wrench, lug nut or a sparkplug? Hell no! So why should a woman bring her ass to you if you don’t know the parts of her sexual anatomy?? Take a class, download a video ask a lesbian do something! It’s not a submissive act for the man. It’s just the opposite actually. It’s when a woman is probably at her most vulnerable. She is literally giving you passage to the essence of life itself and allowing you full privileges in the chamber of secrets! She’s having to deal with her insecurities about her body, deal with your crazy ass being down there AND still try and let go to actually enjoy herself. The least you could do is know what you are doing. Also, don’t think of it as something you have to do just so you can get her ready for sex. That’s the wrong mentality on every level. Think of it as…well as a conversation, better yet, the conversation that takes place just before the first kiss. You are in a place where you can’t speak very loud so you have to get close enough to make sure she is hearing every word coming out of your mouth. She is a little shy so you can’t get close and start yelling. You have to “speak” in gentle tones at first until she becomes comfortable to she sound of your voice. Until you determine which cadence and rhythm works best to.. to relax her. You don’t want her to confuse anything you are saying so you have to PRO-NUN-CIATE extremely clearly. Then, if the conversation is going well, you lean in for a kiss. Not a peck on the cheek, but a deep, long, sensual kiss where you are trying to taste her soul.. Now, if you do THAT, buddy you’ll be Ok. TRUST me. If a woman has never had your head in a vice grip between her thighs and you think your eyes are going to pop out of your head then something is wrong with your technique and you need a workshop.

5.) My last bit of advice to men and to me, it is easily the most important. It trumps everything I have said previously in this “Advice Column”. You may think I’m crazy when I tell you, but I’ll break it down for you. Spoil your woman. I mean spoil her rotten!! I mean it. Do nice things for your woman for the hell of it and not only for special occasions. Now the dynamics of this strategy, women are programmed completely different from men. It’s like they received all the components for empathy, compassion, kindness and generosity while us men got all the ones for farting real loud, exploding things and being able to pee standing up. For example, woman makes a man’s favorite meal with all the trimmings. Really goes out of her way to make it a special dinner and show her man how much she adores him. Man comes home, sees it, kisses his wife on the forehead, says thank you, then picks up the plate of food she slaved over, grabs a beer and goes and sits in front of the TV to watch the game. He appreciated it for sure, but it’s like we don’t posses the capacity to truly express it to women. Now, reverse the roles. Man decides to cook a meal for his wife/girlfriend just to show her he loves her. He burns the chicken until it looks like a lump of coal, almost sets fire to the house trying to light candles and put too much salt in the rice and in the end had to order from Pizza Hut. Woman comes home and sees the ATTEMPT at a nice meal and mentally she’s already planning how she will show him how much this ATTEMPT meant to her. We don’t even have to get it right! We only have to try and women LOVE it!! You ever wonder why some men seem to get away with murder with their wives or girlfriends? He’s either A.) Laying the wood properly. Or B.) About once every year, unexpectedly he surprises his wife with something special on a non-holiday or anniversary. He calls her for no reason one day just to tell her he was thinking about her, he sends flowers to her job just because, he buys her a little gift cause it reminds him of her. His woman will talk about that event for MONTHS after the fact. She will keep talking about that ONE time Jo Jo rubbed her feet even after Jo Jo has been late 236 straight times picking her up from work in HER car. Spoil your women men because it will come back tenfold.

ADVICE TO WOMEN

ADVICE TO WOMEN

Ok, advice? Like I’m some expert to be giving anyone advice on anything? I’m not. However, it’s my two cents worth and at the least you’ll get a good laugh out of this “advice”.

1.) Throw the scale away!! Scales are evil and should be banished from bathrooms. All scales make you do women is feel bad about yourselves and waste money on fad diets that don’t work. Matter of fact, has anyone seen that movie Office Space with Jennifer Aniston? It’s an old movie but a classic. You remember that scene where the people went out to the middle of nowhere and beat the crap out of that computer?? THAT’S what women should be doing with scales. Get a group of your friends, round up all the scales you can find, take them out to the middle of nowhere and take turns puttin’ a beat down on those things. Other then men, those little machines cause you more guilt and insecurity then anything on this planet, yet you keep it in your house! Their evil and secretly laugh at you when you step on them no matter how much you weigh. Doesn’t even matter how much you weigh anywayz, it’s more about how you feel and look in your clothes…well, and out of your clothes. That’s my advice, stop weighing yourselves and throw those damn contraptions away.

2.) Second piece of advice is similar to the first. Please stop looking at magazine ads of D&G, Prada, and Armani. Those women are not real! Anyone, and believe me, anyone can look like that with a team of professional experts having hours to make them look attractive AND a nerd at a super computer and the latest hyper version of Photoshop. It’s make believe! You know most movies are fake and full of special effects so why don’t you believe the same about those women in the pages of Vogue? Believe me, as stupid as men can be we don’t go around feeling bad cause our stomachs are bigger than Brad Pitt’s. It is a conspiracy to make you feel bad and spend hella money on whatever product said bean poles are promoting. Just put the magazines down and read a book. Better yet, start your OWN magazine and force advertisers to put every day average size women in their ads.

3.) This next piece of advice is for all the non-black women out there. Black women already know this and believe me, they ain’t really stressing over it. If you are truly concerned about the size of your ass… I mean if it causes you stress so much that you are always trying to hide how big your butt is…Date a black man. I swear, you will come to APPRECIATE it. Black men Luuuuuuuuuuv da booty. They will make you see it’s a blessing to have some junk in the trunk. It’s a gift from God bestowed on those he deems worthy!! I’m not saying marry a black man, or even have a black boyfriend. Just date him, that’s all. Promise that you will change your way of thinking. Side note, Latinos are a more than able substitute if no black men are available.

4.) Ok, the first few pieces of advice were trivial. Now we are going to get to the nitty gritty! This next one women, I really don’t understand why you do it, and it needs to stop like yesterday. Do NOT fake orgasms. Women who fake orgasms need to be given a citation and a warning the first time you do it and suspend your sex license if you do it again. It’s wrong on so many levels. If you fake it, then that means he is doing it wrong and you are making that fool think he’s doing it right so he’s not going to change! If you really want to set a man straight, if he’s not doing it right and you are bored…then look bored! Start yawning and looking at your nails and start humming old Tina Turner hits, it may take him awhile, but eventually he’ll catch on that something is wrong. Be nice about it and tell him he’s not getting it quite right and hopefully he’s willing to learn. It’s one thing if you go to a person’s house and their 90 year old great-grandmother cooks a meal that is disgusting. In that instance, you fake it. When your child brings home a painting and says it’s a drawing of the family but looks like 4 abdominal snowmen in various stages of an epileptic fit, THEN you fake it. You don’t fake it when it comes to sex! Maybe that’s why so many of you are walking around so unhappy and stressed! Just be honest women. You will force men to improve…well or at least try to improve.

5.) Ok, I know women have heard this a million times, but somewhere along the line it’s not sinking in to your memory banks cause you are making the same mistakes over and over again. Let me think of a way to say this so you understand clearly…..You can’t change him. Hold on, maybe that wasn’t clear enough..YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM. One more time JUST in case for the less bright out there, YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIS ASS SO STOP TRYING. It doesn’t matter how much you are willing to do for him, it doesn’t matter how great you two are together and it definitely doesn’t matter how much you love him. You cannot change a man. If he’s a player and is always out with a lot of other women, you are not going to be able to make him be with you only. If he’s an asshole and refuses to communicate with you, sorry, but you aren’t going to be able to get him to be more open. Wait, ok. Maybe I’m being harsh. You want to know how you can change a man? I’m lying! There is no way cause you can’t change him! Now, I haven’t said a man CAN’T change. There is a difference. I’m just saying YOU can’t change him. If you hear about a man you dated in the past who was a cheater settles down and is a great family man, it wasn’t his wife that changed him. He changed himself. When a man decides to do things differently, he will do them. Until then you are just spinning your wheels in place ladies. He’s not going to change for you..EVER. Life is too short, let him go and find a man who has figured things out and is the man you feel you deserve.

6.) Believe in your intuition cause more than likely you are right. Not too many times have I ever heard a woman say she had NO idea her man was cheating. Women know 92.6751% of the time when your man is cheating. It’s a feeling you have in the pit of your stomach but you suppress it cause you don’t WANT it to be true. Since the dawn of mammals women had to gather food, make a home and care for the children. God gave you that ability to sense danger to get a jump on getting to safety. That ability is still in you. Stop denying the force! If you meet him and you get a feeling he is crazy??? Run!! More than likely that negro is crazy and that’s an early warning system you are feeling. Heed those feelings women! But the trick these days is to make sure it’s your gut and not your insecurities you are following…

7.) Right, so your man is always dropping hints that he wants to have a 3-some. Worse yet, he’s downright nagging you about it at every turn. You want to get him off your back? Here is the advice for you. Tell him, SURE, of course we can have that 3-some you’ve always wanted. Tell him you will even do all the work of finding the second female for this said 3-some. Even go so far as to set a date and put it in red permanent marker on a calendar. Oh, no. I’m not crazy. There is method to my madness. Just keep reading. Now, after your husband or boyfriend stops doing cartwheels around the house and doing the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the back yard…take his hands, look him deep in his eyes and say, there is just one small little condition you have before your 3-some takes place. That condition??? He has to allow you to have YOUR 3-some first. Oh yes, quid pro quo baby. Tell that MF that in your 3-some, he has to do EVERYTHING to the other man that he wants you to do with the other woman. Cause when a man wants a 3-some, it always involves bi sex. Always, always, always. It’s just what I..eer, I mean men like. Now, your man will most likely get upset, protest and generally throw a hissy fit. Don’t say ANYTHING. Just get your lil MP3 player or any device that records his voice. All the reasons he will give for why you two DON’T need to have a male 3-some…just play those back when you say then you don’t need a female 3-some. Matter of fact, you can use this for anal sex also. If’ he’s pestering you to try it, tell him, ‘Yes baby, we are going to try it for you!” Then get out the strap-on and anal lube and tell him to bend over cause he’s first. Now, if you use this tactic and your man does the “Imma have a 3-some dance” in the front lawn again or bends over and applies the anal lube himself…then you’re on your own! As I said at the beginning, I’m no expert and I have no way of knowing if your husband is a freak!

8.) This last piece of advice I almost didn’t add. I truly had to think long and hard about including this information. It’s a little raw and I may offend some people, however, I know men will be thanking me for saying it later and it will so save some women a bit of shame later on. And don’t worry ladies! I’m going to get on the men later on as well so I’m not just picking on you. Ok..whew..Here we go. My advice ladies is, don’t ever, ever, EVER, EVER brag about your oral skillz if you have never done it to completion. I promise you, bet you bottom dollar that your man isn’t talking about how good you give head if you don’t do it to completion. It sounds so wrong, but I have heard too many female friends bragging about skillz they don’t have. I know cause their boyfriends are talking about them behind their back and prayin they learn how to do it properly. Again, I apologize for the X-rated content of this piece of advice but it had to be said! It’s ok for women to talk about how bad and clueless men are in bed and it’s not ok for men to do the same? I think NOT! All I’m saying is, you don’t have any ex-boyfriends talking about your oral skillz if you never made them…well, you know. Just a fact of life. Oh, one last caveman-ish, Neanderthal thing to say… Women, men have created a Hall of Fame with bronzed busts of you in a secret location for those of you who swallow. Oooh I know it’s gross, but you women are a special breed and we worship you!! Enough said on that.

OBSERVATIONS OF ITALY

These observations are not of Italy as an entire country, but just the places I saw while employed for a company while Teaching English. The first place was a small village called Colli del Tronto which is close to Pescara if you want to look at a map of Italy. The second place I was located was Cagliari, Sardinia. So these are observations of these particular places, maybe they apply to all Italians, but I hate to make generalizations.

 

1.) Italian women are gorgeous! I am sorry ladies, but it is the first thing you notice when you step off the plane. I don’t mean pretty, I don’t mean lovely, but strikingly beautiful. So many women have model looks...They have these striking features which really draw your attention. To me however, their looks made me more so want to look and admire rather have an urge to see them naked. I know, I know it sounds like something a Neanderthal would say, but it was the truth. The women are beautiful, but having that sort of sex appeal that makes me say, “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!” They didn’t have it in my opinion... And I think I know why.

 

1a.) Second observation of Italian women is they have no ass! I mean, none, non-existent, no where to be found, someone crept up and just chopped their ass off, no ass. It was so disappointing!  In Sardinia, which is closer to North Africa, I thought it had to be different since the reason why Southern Italians are darker is the mix of African blood in their lineage...Well it was only slightly better. Seems the only part of the genes they got were the darker skin and the propensity to never be on time. I have been in some pretty white countries in my life...New Zealand, England and Latvia to name a few, in those countries I saw more ass than I did in Italy. What is that about!? If you were going to name a country in Europe where you would think the women would have nice asses, I am sure Italy would be in the top 3..top 5 at the LEAST. It was almost like it was bred out of them, some sort of genetic experiment gone awry. How else could people with African lineage, yes a while ago but still, have just no ass as an entire race of people?? One of the saddest realizations in my travels to date...Italian women on average don’t have nice asses.

 

2.) Will someone PLEASE tell Italians that there is such a thing as skin cancer Oh my lord do these people tan! I mean they do that old skool tanning where they rub butter on their skins and stay out in the sun for hours upon hours. Alright, I’m black so I don’t tan, maybe it isn’t butter they rub on themselves, but since it seemed like they were cooking themselves to death, butter is what I am going to say. Seriously though, even people in their 70's were in bikinis and Speedo laying out like their skin didn’t look like a leather wallet. Yes Italians have olive skin, but I saw people damn near my completion and you could tell it was from tanning and not from being born with dark skin. If Italy had the same hole in the ozone has New Zealand and Australia, half the population of Italy would have skin cancer I swear. I bet you if I had thrown on a blonde wig and walked around the beach, people would have come up to me telling me Italian that my tan was lovely. I would have just fit in. I don’t know what medical info they get, but it can not be the same as the rest of the world. Every where is taking steps to prevent skin cancer, and Italians are just baking themselves in the sun like they are Superman and it has no effect on them.

 

3.) Ok, after having been in Italy now, having lived in Central America, Spain and France and visited Portugal...Italian is the sexiest language out there. Everything about it is just sensual, the cadence of their speech, how they roll their r’s, the inflection on the words....I HATE how Spaniards say my name. My name is only one syllable, but the way Spaniards say it they make it sound like a cough, or a dog bark. They say it so it sounds like it’s 2 letters long and make the r and the l sound like one letter. I hate telling people my name in Spain because of how ugly they make Carl sound. It’s not a sexy name anyway then to destroy it like that? Hurt’s a man’s pride! But in Italy!?! Oh man, they say my name like it’s 17 letters long and it’s a wave coming in at high tide. Caarrrrrrrrrrrrrl. They roll the r sooo long and really softly. I was teaching young kids in Italy, usually teaching kids in foreign countries  you get tired of them always saying your name wrong. In Italy I would pretend not to hear them so they would just keep on saying my name over and over. Who in the hell ever put Castellano (Spanish in Spain) with Italian? They need to be shot! In Spain, they have a lisp. They literally speak with a lisp, the entire country, it’s part of the accent. So the Cs and Zs make the TH sound. So, someone says to you in Castellano, Hola, mi nombre es Gonzalo y soy de Zaragoza. (Hello, my name is Gonzalo and I am from Zaragoza) Zaragoza is a fairly large city north of Madrid. Anywho, it would sound like this...Hola, mi nombre es Gonthalo y soy de Tharagotha. Throw in that they make the J sound like they are clearing their throat and it’s not a turn on to me...How can you compare that to Italian! You don’t need to understand a word they are saying, the rhythm of the sound just gets to you. No wonder Italian men get so much play! Tourists go to Italy and Italian men are telling them, “Yes, I am 34 and I still live with my mother. I am in a band..but for money I deliver pizzas. I think a woman should be in the home cooking all the time...” But he says it in Italian and women throw their panties at him! I’m learning Italian dammit!

 

4.) As beautiful as Italian is...why does no one in Italy speak any other language?? Everyone always talks about Americans and how monolingual country. Ha! Italy is by far the worst. It is a lovely language, don’t get me wrong, but where else do they speak Italian?? You speak French you can go to France of course, but also to Belgium, Switzerland, West Africa, Haiti and a few other countries where French is the official language. You speak Spanish and you have almost an entire continent of Spanish speakers. But Italian? Only in Italy folks. And Italians are quick to go to other countries boy to live! Ever been to NYC? Did you know Argentina has a very large Italian population?? Australia the same..So you would think that the people still in Italy would kinda learn some other languages. Doesn’t have to be just English, but something different. Outside of the airports you are pretty much on your own with your Italian phrase book I’ll tell you that.

 

5.) The food. I know, I know, I know I was in Italy, but I still did not expect them to eat so much pasta! They eat pasta like Latin Americans eat beans and rice..All the damn time! For lunch, pasta. For dinner, pasta. Pasta, pasta, pasta. Oh it was good. No doubt about that Italians know their pasta, but EVERYDAY twice a day for all your life? Good lord man there can’t be that many ways to fix pasta can there?? I am going to say no cause the teachers were served certain types of pasta more than once while there. Yes, I have read the research that says olive oil is great for your health. I think, that the study wasn’t translated properly into Italian and they think it said, if you replace your blood with olive oil you will live longer. Lord almighty do they drown EVERYTHING in olive oil! I am not exaggerating either. If they brought you a salad, or a plate of vegetables, they were just doing the backstroke in olive oil. I am lactose intolerant, well, we can add drown in olive oil intolerant to that list of intolerants. Oh man my stomach was hurt up eating all that soaked food. Olive oil is an oil, i.e. lubricant...and that’s all I am going to say on that subject. Ok, you say Italy and you think of wine, pasta and pizza. To be honest, Italian pizza isn’t all that great. It’s rather boring. They just have normal pizzas, like mushrooms, or tomatoes, or ham...I never saw a place advertising apricot chicken pizza. Yuuuuuumm!! Or, BBQ pizza, or Hawaiian lovers pizza. Really surprising..But one thing they did have that the world needs to know about is GELATO. Gelato is Italian ice cream. I’m sure many of you have had gelato, I myself have had gelato numerous times, but until you have had gelato in Italy you are not living! The stuff is amazing! I am lactose intolerant and was having the stuff twice a day. They have these huge mounds of it in the shops that look like works of art. You almost feel guilty having the people dig into the mounds to give you a scoop, or two.....ok three. So sue me! I was in Italy for Pete’s sake! The flavors they had...No preservatives or fake stuff people...If it was strawberry, it had REAL strawberries. If it was fruit of the forest, there was real fruit from the forest! Eating that stuff was like, it was like, it was like making love to an old lover that you haven’t seen in a long time, but who still remembered all the spots to hit to make your eyes roll back in your head. Yes, it was THAT good.

 

6.) Italians without a doubt the nicest people I have met in Europe. I was in a small village on the mainland, but I was in the capital in Sardinia. People would drop by where we were staying and bring wine and ice cream randomly. They would take us out to dinner, take us to festivals and pay for everything! It was great! Walking around in Sardinia, I went into this store, and the guy working there in 10 minutes gave me his number, told me about the café his girlfriend worked at, told me her name so I could get the hookup when I got there AND showed me where he lived if I ever needed anything. Being from the states I was wary, if some guy working in a store did all of that for me in St. Petersburg..I’m thinking he and his girlfriend are swingers and they want me to join in. American men don’t go around giving other men their numbers and telling them where their girlfriends work. Just not done. My flight to Sardinia from Italy left super early in the morning. The village was pretty far away from the airport, I had to take a train to the city where the flight was from. Someone from the village, woke up at 4:30am to take me to catch a train to catch my flight. The guy wasn’t even associated with the program! He just volunteered. Man Italians are nice. In saying that, what in the hell is wrong with Italians in New York and Boston!? Why are they so racist when Italians treated me like a long lost son! Will someone tell them that Italians, especially southern Italians are super nice and treat people of color just as well as they treat everyone else.

 

OBSERVATIONS ON KIDS

First things first, I don’t have any children of my own. I have one adorable niece who I don’t get to see nearly enough and that’s pretty much it. Why am I qualified to write these observations? Because for the past 12 years I’ve worked at residential summer camps and/or taught English to children. I think that gives me a world of experience and information to tell you about these little rug rats! Also, parents, hear me out. Let’s take a normal week for you if you have kids.. You wake up early, get the kids ready then take them to school where they proceed to spend the next 7 hours with someone else. When you get back home, they are doing homework, going to some type of practice for something and then it’s bedtime. For 5 days during the week a stranger has more interaction with your kids then you do .On the weekend, your kids are playing PS2, going to athletic games and spending the night over at friends. Throw in the parents that send their kids to residential summer camps where a stranger is responsible for your child 24/7 sometimes up to 8 weeks and you can see how some parents don’t really spend that much time with their kids. Well I’m that stranger and this is what I have observed about your kids.

 

1.)    How is it, that we think small kids are so fragile and we are always worried about their safety? The toughest people I have ever been around are not Rugby players, it’s not American football players or security guards at night clubs. The toughest people I have seen are 4 year olds. Oh, it’s the truth. I have seen a kid run full steam into a wall, bounce off, hit his head on the ground, so a double impact, get up, look around, saw there wasn’t an adult to get sympathy from then keep on going. They put their bodies through things that aren’t normal! Forget the mafia, you don’t like someone, round up like 4 or 5 six year olds from your neighborhood, tell them you will buy them all an ice cream cone (A positive, lil kids come cheap) and tell them to “Get him/her”. That’s all you have to say, “Get him/her.” They’ll take care of the rest. They will chase that poor person down like a pack of Hyenas after a wounded Zebra. They don’t get tired!! I’m vindictive. Yeah that’s right, I admit it. Worked at a summer camp and someone messed around stole one of my favorite shirts out of the laundry room. THEN the dumbass had the nerve to wear my shirt around the camp!! I played it cool….Rounded up some little campers and said “GET HIM!” Got his ass they did. They just kept chasing him! This guy was an All-American Cross Country runner from Oregon. He put distance between himself and them, but they never stopped coming. He would stop to eat lunch…they wouldn’t. He would stop to use the toilet…they WOULDN’T! They chased his ass the entire summer. He kept on making the mistake thinking that he would stop and confront them..They whooped his ass! He tried to fight them off, but their indestructible! Maybe it’s all the flexibility they have or something. I almost felt bad for the man.

 

2.)    That leads me into my second observation…Humans are animals. Why would I say that? Cause look at kids. People always talk about how innocent kids are, how sweet and pure they are and that they have to be taught hate and to be racists. Maybe…but kids have NO sympathy. NONE! When they caught said person from the first observation they showed no mercy on his ass. They were grabbin’ testicals, bitin’ Achilles heels, throwin’ rocks, they didn’t care. I remember once way back in the day playin around with my lil brother. We were playin Cops and Robbers. I pretended my brother shot me and I had died. Ok, I don’t know what Police detective shows he had been watchin, but in the ones I remember seeing, they don’t kick the bad guy in the nuts when he’s already dead! I asked him why, he said, cause I was dead. Cause I was dead??? Explain that please someone. Dead means leave them alone to me, but to a kid it means kick him in the nuts? Then again, maybe that’s a good way to tell if the person is fakin or not. Do not play dead around little kids. I repeat, DO NOT PLAY DEAD AROUND LITTLE KIDS! I’ve had Tonka Trucks shoved up my nostrils, one kid tried to see how far down he could pull my lip…One real cute little girl opened up my eye and spit in it! Lil Heffa! Think about it, they tell you to play dead around Bears for Pete’s sake! Bears are wild animals that respect the dead, little kids don’t! You better off locking yourself in a closet and waiting it out until their nap time to escape.

 

3.)    Has anyone ever tried feeding vegetables to a 3 year old? They act like you are trying to feed them shit on a stick. HOWEVER, take your child to the park, and on his own, if he finds shit on a stick, more than likely he will put it in his mouth. THAT one I don’t get about kids. They will put God knows what in their mouths but won’t eat proper food at the dinner table. I’ve seen kids put in their mouths, a live moth, a pen used to move around a dead bird, fingers after scratching the crack of their ass, boogers, someone else’s boogers, glue, scotch tape off the back of a picture hanging up for 3 years, water from the toilet, etc, etc. You get my point. They say Crocodiles have the worst non-venomous bite because of how dirty their mouths are Hhhmm…..I wonder where lil kids rank on that list. Yet, when was the last time any of you kissed a crocodile in the mouth compared to a lil kid?

 

4.)    There are very few things left in this world that are impossible. Man has gone to the moon, we have cured a host of diseases, travel faster than the speed of sound and the list goes on and on. The one thing that in my opinion is impossible, I mean IMPOSSIBLE is keeping kids clean. I mean don’t even try it’s so impossible. Seems like I always get stuck with the kids on art day. And of course art day always includes paint on my watch. I know it’s a conspiracy! Bunch of white men standing around thinking of ways to get back at black men for datin’ their women!!! “Now what can we do to get back at those damn negros???”  “I know!! Give him about ten 7 yr olds and bottles of paint to paint pictures and tell him he can’t let them make a mess!” “Oh that’s just Evil Vern…But I like it!” I have covered a classroom in huge sheets of paper thinking WHEN, not if, but WHEN paint was spilled it would get on the paper and not the walls, desks, etc. Nope, didn’t help a bit. I don’t know how it happened but paint ended up everywhere. Parents know this also. How many times have you gotten your kid ready to go somewhere nice, sat them in front of the TV so you could change, come back and your child hasn’t moved but is dirty? Children have an intimate relationship with dirt. It’s like a virus and a host; one needs the other to survive. I just haven’t figured out yet if the kids or the dirt are the virus. You know what? Forget prison. Seriously, just forget all about that money we are wasting on prisons. Start a program where a prisoner is responsible for about ten 5 yr olds, put them in a perfectly white room with bottles of paint. Tell the prisoners if he can have them finish an art project and the room is clean after an hour, he can go free, an exercise in futility. It would never happen, but you’d make the prisoners go mad trying not to let it happen. More effective than solitary confinement I promise you that.

 

5.)    Most companies have to test their products under the most extreme conditions to have an idea of its durability and service life. The Army sends equipment to the desert or the Artic circle, bed companies have huge rollers that press their mattresses for days and days on end; you get the idea. Forget all of that. I’m not impressed in the least. You want to test something, go into any classroom in the world, put it in the middle of the room then just close the door. I figure about an hour will be long enough. Yes, that’s it, an hour. One kid, on their own, is a destructive force equal to a Tropical Storm. A CLASSROOM full of kids??? Oh please, it better be the best manufactured item on the planet. Children can figure out new never before conceived ways to destroy, hide and fuck things up. That report you’ve been working on for a week to present the next morning? I bet you in 5 minutes on your computer your son or daughter can hide it so well that if you run a search on it, your search engine will come back, Shrug it’s shoulders and say, “Beats me, I can’t find that Muthafugga.” Or they will change the font to ancient Sand script so no one alive can translate the document. I remember once, my dad bought this synthesizer. It was one of the more upscale ones cause it had like 100 different type sounds it could reproduce, from instruments to nature sounds it had it all. Up comes my little brother..oh yes, the same little brother and he starts playing on it. Do you know in about 11 minutes he had the thing speaking in tongues? I hid in the closet for almost a hour thinking the Exorcist was in the house. I’m just sweatin in a small cramped space about to die from a heat stroke cause outside I hear, “We goin’ eat yo aaaaaaaaaaaass!! Eat, eat, eat yo aaaaaaaaaaaaaass.” He had reprogrammed the damn thing to make mimic demonic voices. I passed out from the heat in the closet. You know who found me? My little brother, saw me laying there so he thought I was dead…..Yep, lil bastard kicked me in the nuts! Give it to kids if you want to find the threshold of a products durability. In addition, to find out what things can be done with it you didn’t even consider. VCR’s?? They are pretty much obsolete now, but did you know that they are also good for putting peanut butter & jelly sandwiches while you go outside to play? MP3 players make great battleships in the bathtub and a computer mouse makes the best sling shot type weapons.

 

 

6.)    This next observation is more so on the PARENTS of children as apposed to the children themselves. Now, I am at that age where a lot of my friends are starting to settle down and have kids. I’m starting to see this next observation up close and personal. Not all parents suffer from this, but most of you do and someone needs to set you straight! If as a parent, you are not cute, athletic or in general don’t have any talent….chances are your kids are going to be ugly, clumsy and boring just like you are. I’m sorry, I’m just going on facts. It’s called genetics and it’s a MF, but we all have to live with them. Whitney Houston is a crackhead, we all know this, but it doesn’t change the fact that she is a very good singer. You know what? So is her mother. Her mother is a very popular Gospel singer; hence the genes being passed down that Whitney can blow. Michael Jordan? His father was an above average athlete so you see the genetics coming into play once again. Reality check people! If you were the last picked for all the kickball games when you were growing up…chances are it’s not because your kid isn’t liked, it’s because he plays like he’s retarded…JUST LIKE YOU DID. Your daughter didn’t make it past the auditions for Kids American Idol? Record yourself singing and if glasses crack and dogs join in?? It’s your fault! You gave her those singing genes. Your kid is trying to beat up his own reflection on the mirror. I seriously doubt he will be winning the Nobel Peace Prize for Chemistry. Ok, ok, sometimes you get mutations that can’t be explained. We all know the ugly parents with the cutest kids, or the bookish parents who have kids that are All-Star athletes….In saying that though, did you know that 1 in 5 kids men don’t belong to you?? It’s a proven fact, so remember that when you are questioning where your son gets his mathematical prowess from when you flunked remedial math..TWICE!. I think that’s why designer babies are taking off now. People are trying to play God cause deep down they know they are fucked up in some way and are afraid to pass on that deficiency to their offspring. They want to end that gene for eyes too close together with them.

 

7.)    My last observation of kids and anyone who has them, or worked with them will have to agree. Children will make you more upset than you have ever been in your life…I mean you’ll start to stutter you are so pissed off, see double from all the blood rushing to your head, look through the phone book for an agency to put them up for adoption and want to just get in your car, drive off and never come back! But, if they come up to you and give you one hug, or tell you they love you, or smile at you…You melt and you realize, they aren’t all so bad…Unless you play dead around them!!!